[MooMoose]

This is the story of Harry Potter's daughter, Lily. Please tell me what you think.

A Day In The Life of Lily Potter
Chapter One

The year was 2006. The Headmaster was Hermione Granger. Three years have past since we last saw the Potters.

So this is Hogwarts . . .

"Hurry up, Lily!" Lily Potter turned and saw her brothers, James, thirteen, and Albus, twelve, grasping at her suitcase. "Pull your own weight around here, Lily," Albus said. Together, they shoved it her suitcase into her lap.

Lily Potter was sitting inside the Hogwarts Express, too taken in by its beauty to get out. Her owl nibbled at her hair, startling her into reality. "Owtch, Owlean! What was that for?" Then she saw that the rest of the kids were already halfway across the lake. And the train was moving.

"Wait!" she called. Her skinny arms tugged at the blue-and-pink suitcase. "Wait up!" Passing through all those lonely halls, she thought she'd never get out.

She pulled at a door. It wouldn't budge. She tried some spells. Nothing worked.

Danggit, she thought helplessly, looking around her her at the walls and windows. If there was one thing having George Weasley as an uncle was good for, it was to always be prepared. [indent]

[indent] But she wasn't prepared.

"Oh please, oh please! Oh, please, oh please!" The train really was moving now. Moving away from Hogwarts.

"Oh yeah," she cried triumphantly, opening the door. "Oh no." She covered her eyes. The ground was moving, a green-and-brown blur. Eyes still closed, she jumped.

She hit the ground. It was hard. "Hello, Lily? Wake up."

Lily saw a blur of colours, but, upon blinking a few times, managed to see a hat, a robe and a face. Wait! She knew that voice! "Prof . . . Professor Longbottom?"

"Lily, there's something wrong with your eyes. We have to get you to the hospital."

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 01 June 2008 - 06:40 PM

[Iced Tea with Lemon]

Nice! I want more!

[Iced Tea with Lemon]

Good!

[Iced Tea with Lemon]

Good. More. Soon. Please.

[MooMoose]

Soon enough?

Talking To Bats?
Chapter Three

"Hello," squeeked a shrill voice in Lilly's ear.

"Who be you?

"Someone."

"So I gathered. Drop the mystique and tell me who you are."

"The Bat Queen."

"Gimme a break."

"It's true."

Lily rolled out of bed. "What a bad dream. And what a cheesy name! I mean, 'Bat Quee'--"

"Hey!"

Lily screamed, waking everyone in her dorm up. Rose Weasley ran up to her and asked if she was allright. Korilee Gosypre stared at her mutinously. And LenoraArgetistali Smith slept on, saying things in her sleep, while Mallie O'Mackintosh read her book, glasses propped up on her thin nose.
Rose felt her hand. "Are you all right? Lil, what happened?" she asked in that older-sisterly way she often did when speaking to Lily.

"Nothing -- Must have heard a House Elf."

"You woke us up for that? For a House Elf?" Korilee gasped.

"Excuse me, but don't talk a bout House Elves like they're some kind of crap you picked up on your shoe!" Rose had certainly inherited something from her mother.

"Rose, come here." Lily grabbed her arm. Leading her into the Common Room, she said, "I had a dream."

Rose helped guide her to a chair. "And?" She leaned in closer.

"What if there's a way to cure my bli--"

"Lily, don't kid yourself. I love you like a sister. That's why I don't want you getting emotionally hurt by all this."

Lily closed her eyes. She knew her cousin meant well, but she was wrong.

And frankly, she wished they'd stop treating her as an invalid.

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 08 April 2008 - 08:36 AM

[Iced Tea with Lemon]

Ooh! I have a character... only perhaps Lenny snores, but I don't... I talk in my sleep instead.
You are my new best friend! If all the other authors here updated as quickly, I'd be in heaven! Bow down to MooMoose!

[MooMoose]

uh . . . Thanks?
And I am wrong because I think boys are cute?
*Growls because growling is fun.*

Malfoy
Chapter Four

Derik Malfoy was standing under the shade of the Whomping Willow, which, unfortunately, was so old that nowadays it only made feeble attempts at whomping. " Of course I fought him off, Delila," he said, yawning. Delila was his younger sister. She always wanted to know what was going on in Derik's life.

"And anyway, De, shouldn't you be cheerleading for Slytherin team?" Another great change in the nineteen years since Draco had been in school, was that now, if you were under fifth year, you could be a cheerleader. Boys thought very lowly of this change, partly because they hated cheerleaders, and partly becasue they wanted some of the action.

"Not until Monday, stupid. Then I start my first practi . . . " But the rest of this was lost to Derik, who had just seen a girl talking animatedly with her -- It could be her sister, she look so like her. But something was different about her.

"Shut up," he said to Delila, then ran all the way to the lake, where they were sitting. He caught part of their conversation.

" . . . I know, but if you do see the mermaids, tell me what they look like!" This was the one with strawberry-blonde hair. Derik studied her. Her eyes were hazy, with a far-away look. And she had a scar running from her nose to eyebrow.

Her friend spotted Derik. Leaning in, she whispered, "I don't see mermaids. But someone else is looking at you, and I'll tell you what he looks like."

Immediately, the girl with the scar hopped up and looked wildly around. "Who?" Her eyes swept past Derik without even seeing him.

"That Malfoy boy."

Without further ado, Derik ran away.


"Hey! You, Scar!" Lily whirled around, seething . . . And ran smack-dab into Professor Lovegood.

"Lily, sit down please." Luna Lovegood, never one to call students by their last names, guided Lily to a seat.

"Who said it?" Lily asked Rose out of the corner of her mouth.

"Jacobson." Rose laughed. "I think he likes you."

"Shut up. I'll never like anyone who calls me Scar. Like I want to be 'That Blind Freak Who Has a Scar'!"

"Malfoy's looking at you."

"Oh please." Lily scooted farther away from Rose on the bench. "LenoraArgetIstalri, may I sit with you?"

* * *
Guess what? Derik Malfoy fancies Lily! xD

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 21 March 2008 - 09:40 AM

[MooMoose]

No One's Posting!

The Bat Queen Returns . . . ?
Chapter Five
"What if I told you that I could give you back your eyesight -- And with it, your freedom."

"I have freedom," Lily replied. She stared around her. She was in a dungeon. It was dark and cold. There were bats everywhere. And in front of her --

"You need that Weasley girl to walk with you. You run into your teachers if she doesn't." Lily was reminded of the many times, upon walking into class, running into teachers or fellow students. "And Albus helps feed you -- "

"Does not!"

"Anyway, you need your sight, and I need my . . . Oh, it doesn't matter what I need. I will tell you later." Her eyes were dark caverns . . . Full of rage, of sorrow, of death.

"What's the catch?" Lily knew this was a dream, or a vision, becasue in it she could see again. She drank in all the sights, even in such a cheerless place as this.

"There is no catch . . . Well, yes, there is. You need to go on a quest for me." She had black-and-red hair that fell to her shoulders.

"I'm eleven."

"Don't you want your sight back?" Her smile was crooked and cruel.

"Yes, but -- "

"All settled, then." With hands as white as snow, she reached into the back pocket of her tight leather pants and pulled out a card.

North Cave, 12th Coffin Street
Black Deathe - Bat Queen
Phone Number: 1-217-666-5982
Have A Nice day!
. . .
And all of the sudden, Lily saw blurs of colour. Upon feeling the softness beneath her, she kne she was in bed. But she couldn't sleep.

She had just seen a real Vampire.
. . .
"Plllleeeeaaaassseeee tell me you'll come with me?" Lily pleaded with Rose.

"On some bogus adventure?"

"I like that word -- Bogus. When you use it, it makes me feel like maybe I'm not the only dork out here."

"Hahaha funny. No, I'm not going."

They were by the Lake, their favorite hangout spot. "Fine." Lily's hazel eyes swept over the Lake, though all she saw was a bunch of blue, as she paused, letting Rose think she'd won. "Then I'll go with Jocobson."

"What!?" Rose cried. "Are you serious?"

"Go with me. Here, I'll show you Black Deathe is real! We'll call her!"

"O.K.," Rose said, nodding. "Here, use my iPod."

"You're not allowed -- " Lily started.

"Muggle items?" Lily nodded. "Whatever." She started dialling as Lily said,

"It's 1-217-666-5982."
. . .
Black Deathe heard her cell phone ring. With claw like hands, she reached into her handbag, pushing away stuff like Sunblock and such until she reached her Razr. "Hello, this is Dark Queen Of Terror speaking . . . Uh huh? . . . No, I understand . . . So you do want to go on the Quest? Yes! . . . Oh. Well, here, how 'bout I pick you up and take you to Mama Mia's, where we can talk it over? Allright. . . . Bye."

"Now, I'll need my Sunblock, my Froot Loop-covered Straws so I can suck some blood while I'm at it, and possibly some sunglasses . . ."

Why isn't anyone posting?

Oh no! Arget must hate me!

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 22 March 2008 - 12:33 PM

[Iced Tea with Lemon]

I don't hate you! I just didn't see that you had updated! It's great, only that electronic items don't work at Hoggy's

[MooMoose]

Hm . . . She found a way to use sun-batteries or whatever -- You know, the sun warms it, and you harness that, so you can only use it at daytime, but it's still better tahn nothing?

^ The result of spending way too much time at Uncle George Weasley's house. ^.^

(And your signature -- Whats Arthryn right about?)

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 22 March 2008 - 12:16 PM

[Iced Tea with Lemon]

I didn't write that... Arthryn did...

[brisingr shurtugal]

Interesting!

You might want to add some description. Currently, you don't have much. It will interest the reader more.

Also, you should try to make it clearer what's going on, especially in the first part of Chapter Four. It's hard to tell who's saying what, who everybody is that you're referring to, what's happening to who. That sort of stuff. Try to drop hints for the reader as to where they are, what they're doing. Also, in the third chapter, we need some more information about the characters. Who are LenoraArgetistali Smith and Korilee Gospyre? And remind us who Rose Weasley is. We don't know if they're classmates, older students, teachers, or what.

Black Deathe heard her cell phone ring. With claw like hands, she reached into her handbag, pushing away stuff like Sunblock and such until she reached her Razr. "Hello, this is Dark Queen Of Terror speaking . . . Uh huh? . . . No, I understand . . . So you do want to go on the Quest? Yes! . . . Oh. Well, here, how 'bout I pick you up and take you to Mama Mia's, where we can talk it over? Allright. . . . Bye."

"Now, I'll need my Sunblock, my Froot Loop-covered Straws so I can suck some blood while I'm at it, and possibly some sunglasses . . ."

Right here, you're giving a rather un-creepy impression of Black Deathe. If that's how you want it, then great. If you do want a creepy impression of her, then you might want to edit this section a bit.

And why does she have a scar? This seems a bit too...Harry Potter-ish. Even for a fanfiction.

Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty good story. Just try to add some more detail in general.

[MooMoose]

Interesting!

You might want to add some description. Currently, you don't have much. It will interest the reader more.

Also, you should try to make it clearer what's going on, especially in the first part of Chapter Four. It's hard to tell who's saying what, who everybody is that you're referring to, what's happening to who. That sort of stuff. Try to drop hints for the reader as to where they are, what they're doing. Also, in the third chapter, we need some more information about the characters. Who are LenoraArgetistali Smith and Korilee Gospyre? And remind us who Rose Weasley is. We don't know if they're classmates, older students, teachers, or what.

Black Deathe heard her cell phone ring. With claw like hands, she reached into her handbag, pushing away stuff like Sunblock and such until she reached her Razr. "Hello, this is Dark Queen Of Terror speaking . . . Uh huh? . . . No, I understand . . . So you do want to go on the Quest? Yes! . . . Oh. Well, here, how 'bout I pick you up and take you to Mama Mia's, where we can talk it over? Allright. . . . Bye."

"Now, I'll need my Sunblock, my Froot Loop-covered Straws so I can suck some blood while I'm at it, and possibly some sunglasses . . ."

Right here, you're giving a rather un-creepy impression of Black Deathe. If that's how you want it, then great. If you do want a creepy impression of her, then you might want to edit this section a bit.

And why does she have a scar? This seems a bit too...Harry Potter-ish. Even for a fanfiction.

Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty good story. Just try to add some more detail in general.

The scar isn't anything special -- It's not like Harry's. It's just a discription of her. It makes her, well -- As you can see in someone's case *CaughDerikcaugh* it makes her special. In others, such as Jacobs's, it makes her a freak. It's all around perfect for the person writing it.

And no, Queen Blacky isn't the creepy person. In fact, when I made her, she was purely an idea to make fun of Vampires. She's like an evil wannabe.

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 24 March 2008 - 04:29 PM

[Eragon191434]

You should continue writing, it is a interesting story.

[MooMoose]

Where Am I Going With This?
Chapter Six

"Whoa, so this is Mama Mia's."

"Yea."

"Whoa."

"You already said that."

"Whoa."

"Ever heard of annoying, Rosie?"

"Okay, okay!"

Lily and Rosie were sitting in the back of Mama Mia's, Vampire Restraunt Galore. On the whole, it was okay, aside from the fact that it was ovverrun by cockroaches and there was a blood-fountain in the back.

"Hello, girls." It was her highness, Blacky herself. She had purple highlights in her hair today, and she was wearing pink-and-black miniskirt with a black tanktop. She also was wearing what I like to call "Britney Spears sunglasses". The effect, when paired together with the fact that Lily could only see blurs, was quite dizzying.

"Oh . . . Hi, Black," Lily called.

"Shhhhhh!" said the queen when she got near enough. "Do you think I want to get overrun by paperazzi?"

"Um . . . " Lily looked taken aback. "No? But I didn't know you had paparazzi."

"Of course we do, dear." Black slipped into the seat next to Rosie's, her thin body contrasting with Rose's slightly chunkier one. "Now, down to business," Blacky said, putting her cellphone on Vibrate.

"Business?" Rosie asked.

"Yes, business, it's when you -- " Black started, looking annoyed.

"I know what it is."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"Erm . . ."

" 'Erm', isn't an answer. Anyway, I need you to get something for me." Black scooted closer, her black lips twisting into a cruel smile.

"What?"

"The only thing there is to summon the True King of Bats."

"And that is?" Lily asked, taking over.

"The Rod of Love."

"Why is everything so cliche in this book? I mean, 'Bat Queen', 'Rod of Love'--"

"You'e ruining my Dark moment!"

"Oh. Sorry." Lily shrank back into her seat. "How do we get it, anyway?"

"You'll see," Black said in a singsong voice, getting up.

"Actually, no I won't see anythi -- "

"Stoppit!" And she dissapeared with a cloud of smoke.

This post has been edited by MooMoose: 26 March 2008 - 12:42 PM