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Posted 04 November 2008 - 03:02 PM
Prologue
In the darkest hours of the night, a great shadow fell across the main floor of the Shurtugal Valley Nuclear Power plant that not even the brightest glows of the vats of nuclear goo could compete with. Behind it shone a light that without its obstruction would blind all who gazed upon it. Even the bearded Invision—the local hobo with more variants of radiation-induced cancer than there are pages in Brisingr—was thankful for its presence.
Yet no matter how his compound, bugged-out eyes gazed upon it, he could not for the life of him discern what it was.
That was, of course, until he realized his eyes had actually transcended dimensional planes and was looking into the asshole of Zeus as he and Hephestus had hot kinky butt-sex in a forge of flame and lightning (regardless of the fact they are actually father and son) and the light he was seeing was actually his brain cells dying from the mental strain of actually seeing the inside of a God’s rectum. Invision readjusted his vision.
It appeared to be a giant, triple grande extra-hot, extra-whip egg nog latte sitting precariously on a cat walk railing.
Such a wondrous beverage, a holiday drink of the infamous Starbucks Coffee company and thus known by the drink mark “EL” to the enslaved baristas who make it, belonged to Bucket, who had a habit of requesting the late shift at Shurtugal Valley. With neither wife nor children, girlfriend nor mother, he spent most of his time in the secluded shadows of the catwalk with a porn magazine, sipping expensive Starbucks drinks collected from his weekend job at a strip club where he was known as Semen Bringer.
Invision, however, knew this well. He had harbored a secret crush on Bucket since he had grown a seventh penis after a chance encounter with a plutonium rod in his abdominal rectal interface—which had nothing what so ever to do with Bucket and merely severed as a romantic fantasy. Oh, how he wished they could defile one another with plutonium rods all day and sip lattes!
It was then that Invision hatched a plan—partially aided by his eyes once again shifting planes to exist inside Bucket’s pants where he discovered a certain elephant-like proportion—and decided he would steal Bucket’s heart away, and better, the latte and porn magazine.
Cackling evilly to himself, Invision clambered up onto the cat walk behind Bucket, who appeared to be checking out a massive center-fold of a man named Mike McCauley posing with a blue dragon wrapped about his center portion. Nervously, Invision stated his cause.
“Bucket! For years I have wanted to say this to you, and I am sorry for not saying it sooner! I love you!”
Of course, when one has so many radioactive cancers that one sporadically finds oneself in the rectum of ancient Gods, the sound that came out of Invision’s mouth sounded more like a seal being anally violated by a blue whale at twice the speed of sound.
Terrified, Bucket screamed, kicking the latte off the cat-walk and throwing the porno magazine after it.
The effect was instantaneous. A roar sounded in the deep—a roar more terrifying than Balrog or Lethrblaka. And before either could reconcile, a giant freaking EGG NOG LATTE VAGINA MONSTER WITH TENTACLES ™ blasted out of the pit of nuclear goo and stole them both in its tentacles.
“What the hell did you do?” yelled Invision, whose voice bore a tone more steely than Arnold Schwartzenegger being 69’d by a steam engine.
“What the hell did you do? I was just reading!” screamed Bucket. (Note: the fact that Bucket was able to understand him was actually a plot hole. Whenever a character in Sexpresso encounters a plothole, he loses a body part. In this instance, Bucket probably lost a finger, or maybe his penis, but he was under such strain from the adrenaline he probably didn't notice).
Then, realizing both could understand each other, they embraced, but not before a roar and a strange, Xbox style character-set floated in front of them, oddly like a HUD from a video game.
“Prepare for insertion,” it said.
“What the f—“ they cried, but not before the tentacles found their mark, thus deciding their fate.
Once the vile tentacle-rape was through and the bodies of the victims cast aside, the EGG NOG LATTE VAGINA MONSTER WITH TENTACLES ™ blasted through the ceiling. It then climbed to the highest point on the power plant and roared angrily into the night. Then, realizing its thirst was not yet quenched, decided to go on a quest…
… For sexpresso…
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