[fluteboy432]

Okay, here's my first poem. Crit is appreciated.

My Life

My life was a happy one,
A field of fragrant flowers,
Hidden in a valley
of peace.

But then a fire swept across the field,
Destroying all in its path,
And the flowers were lost in a fury of
ruthless flames.

That was until a storm strolled
Into the burning field,
And water fought a great fight with
the persevering flames.

But then the storm seized its onslaught,
And the fire was burned out,
And my life was a field of fragrant flowers
again

Okay, so what do you think?

This post has been edited by fluteboy432: 12 December 2008 - 05:31 PM

[Oromis287]

Good, but there are a few things that I would change. First, the lines "Hidden in a valley / of peace" is somewhat bulky. I would reduce "valley of peace" to "peaceful valley," it just flows better, although it could change the meaning depending on your interpretation of the phrase. Also, I feel the same with "And the flowers were lost..." There I would use "And the flowers, lost...," it sounds o bit more poetic. Last I think that it should end with "once again" as opposed to "again." In my opinion, this flows much better and has a more pleasing sound.

[fluteboy432]

Good, but there are a few things that I would change. First, the lines "Hidden in a valley / of peace" is somewhat bulky. I would reduce "valley of peace" to "peaceful valley," it just flows better, although it could change the meaning depending on your interpretation of the phrase. Also, I feel the same with "And the flowers were lost..." There I would use "And the flowers, lost...," it sounds o bit more poetic. Last I think that it should end with "once again" as opposed to "again." In my opinion, this flows much better and has a more pleasing sound.

I don't know about changing the last line to 2 words; in my opinion it makes the poem more powerful if just one word ties it all up...

[DragonSkyGlyder]

I liked it! The metaphors were good and I especially liked the happy ending ^^