[NiduenDrottning]

Inspired by the Twilight books and Twilight fanfiction, I decided to write my own Twilight fanfic. I drifted far from my original idea, and the characters and setting are completely different now. I am only posting to improve my writing, so I would really appreciate if you could give me advice and point out whatever bothered you or anything you liked.
So here it is...
Since this is a Twilight fan fiction story in a way, some of the ideas belong to Stephenie Meyer.



---------------Nature Calls--------------

"Put me down, you psychotic, sadistic vampire!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, smashing my fists into his back despite the pain I felt. I grew numb to the pain pretty soon, but it was upsetting to known that my furious punches wouldn't leave even the faintest trace of a bruise on his pale, rock-hard body. "No. Now stop screaming and thrashing! And while you're at it, stop tickling me. It's getting hard to focus," he answered in an amused tone, turning his head back to look at me as he continued running. His view was blocked my backside, and he chuckled softly. His laughter grew louder once I started thrashing and shouting, "Stop staring at my ass!" I muttered a stream of quick and low curses at him, throwing in "let me go," "put me down," and "deranged vampire" between the rounds of profanities once in a while.
I knew nothing would stop him at this point, but I twisted my leg into a position which was immensely uncomfortable but from which I could hopefully get a chance of kicking him in the crotch. If he had any idea of what I was planning, he didn't react as far as I could tell. I took a deep breath- quite an accomplishment considering how he carried me; my lower abdomen and hips rested on his left shoulder while my feet dangled in front of him and my head hung only a few inches from his own muscled derriere, making it harder for me to concentrate. Summoning all my courage, I swung my foot back and then in the direction I aimed for. I expected him to stop me on time, but I was still disappointed and infuriated when his cold hand clutched my bare ankle tightly.
I shivered at the cold touch and blushed when his hand started slowly creeping up my leg. His hand lingered on my upper thigh and caressed it, causing me to stop breathing and moving all together. My heartbeat sped up, and he chuckled darkly
The next thing I knew, I stood straight on the ground, staring into his amused face. His lips were pressed into a tight line, and he twitched as he suppressed laughter. "You're an awful lot of trouble for a human girl, Anabella," he whispered into my ear, his cold arm wrapped tightly around my waist and my body suddenly against his. " I-I.. James, I..." I whispered back, embarrassed by how close we were and what I needed to say to him. He leaned back and looked at my face, his fine, dark eyebrows raised quizzically. I couldn't look away from his face- his gold eyes and the dark brown, nearly black hair that created a shocking contrast with his unusually pale skin. I couldn't look away, but I had to if I was going to say what I needed to say. I couldn't believe that I was about to expose myself to him like this, but I couldn't keep it in any longer.He grinned, exposing his startlingly white teeth, and I was almost certain that after I said what was about to burst out of me at any moment, I would not be able to look at his face ever again. He would probably never look at me ever again either...
I wasn't aware of how much time I was taking until I felt his lips at my throat again."Yes, Arabella," he whispered softly into my ear. Ok, I thought, I'm just going to say it. I can't take it anymore. I have to say it.
"James," I blurted out in a shaky voice when I finally gathered my courage. My body had become so hot from the embarrassment, I was sure I was running a temperature at which any human would be long dead."James... I- I really.. I really have to... Well... James," I stammered again, blinking away the sweat in my eyes, "DAMMIT! NATURE CALLS!"

This post has been edited by NiduenDrottning: 31 December 2008 - 08:12 PM

[whereisbook4]

That is bloody awesome! Nice job. I really like the fact that you have it written from Alice's human perspective. The fact that she knew james just makes it so much sweeter. Hang on. I just reread it. WHEN is this taking place?

This post has been edited by whereisbook4: 27 December 2008 - 07:43 PM

[NiduenDrottning]

That is bloody awesome! Nice job. I really like the fact that you have it written from Alice's human perspective. The fact that she knew james just makes it so much sweeter.

Whoops... I guess using his name wasn't too good of an idea Sorry about that.
But they are different characters..
Yeah.. it's taking place in a different place with different characters at approximately the same time.. I might run into a Twilight character... But I hope you still like it despite the fact that it's not the actual Twilight vampires...

This post has been edited by NiduenDrottning: 27 December 2008 - 07:44 PM

[whereisbook4]

Ahh. Thanks for the explanation.

[China Oolong]

I laughed so damn hard at the last bit.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be funny, but I'm tired...

[whereisbook4]

Considering that she was bent out of shape about it, then yes, I belive that it is supposed to be funny.

[NiduenDrottning]

Yeah I hoped it would have that effect. I thought it was funny at first, but the more I went over it, the more I lost confidence.. Glad you still liked it.

[China Oolong]

Soooo.....

I know this is really nasty of me, but when can we expect an update?

....>.>

[NiduenDrottning]

Nah, it's not nasty.
I'm writing the next part right now because I don't have anything better to do... So, today definitely. The characters get introduced in the next one, and it will probably be a let down if you expect the update to be nasty Meh...

[China Oolong]

The next thing I knew, I stood straight on the ground, staring into his amused face. His lips were pressed into a tight line, and he twitched as he suppressed laughter. “You’re an awful lot of trouble for a human girl, Anabella,” he whispered into my ear, his cold arm wrapped tightly around my waist and my body suddenly against his. “ I-I.. James, I...” I whispered back, embarrassed by how close we were and what I needed to say to him.

One thing. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but I think it would look better like this:

The next thing I knew, I stood straight on the ground, staring into his amused face. His lips were pressed into a tight line, and he twitched as he suppressed laughter. “You’re an awful lot of trouble for a human girl, Anabella,” he whispered into my ear, his cold arm wrapped tightly around my waist and my body suddenly against his.
“I-I.. James, I...” I whispered back, embarrassed by how close we were and what I needed to say to him.

Gah I'm so bad at this -.-

But you get the picture, right? Like hit the enter before another person talks? Because it looks a bit like a wall of text at the moment and I think that would help to break it up a bit, ...

>.o

[NiduenDrottning]

Thanks for the advice! I'll fix the first chapter when I have time, and I think I got that right in the second chapter. I need some more advice, please. I am very aware of the fact that there I use "I" in every single sentence, but since it's from Anabella's POV, I don't know any other way to write that. Any help on that?

----------------------Chapter 2-------------------

I was surprised when he let me walk away. He handed me my bag, and turned around so his back faced me. I snuck behind a wide tree, and froze. I really did have to go, but there was no way I was going to do that in front of him and his super-sensitive senses. I had embarrassed myself in front of him enough already. A plan popped into my mind, and I was going to have to… do that for it to work out.
I unzipped my pants halfway, and pulled the small water bottle out of my bag. I knelt close to the ground, and as I slowly poured the water onto the lush forest ground, my eyes scanned the ground around me for a branch or something similar. I knew for a fact that my punches and kicks couldn't hurt him at all, but I had yet to find out if I could knock him out with something sturdier. I doubted that it would hurt him seriously, but I hoped that it would knock him out at least for a few minutes- if vampires could be knocked out. A large but flat rectangular rock rested on the roots of the tree next to me. I placed the empty bottle into bottle into my bag, zipped up my pants, and walked towards the spot where James was standing, softly humming a familiar tune. I hid the rock behind my back walking towards him at my usual pace. He still didn't turn around. When I was about a foot away from him, I took a deep breath and swung the rock back, preparing to smash it against his head.
He wouldn't die- that was certain- and he probably wouldn't bruise. I was new to the supernatural world, so I didn't know much yet, but I was supposed to be finding out more about vampires instead of getting kidnapped by James. I hoped my assumptions about him not getting too hurt were right, and I hated having to hurt him in the first place. But I just had to get to Rhys's house, so he could tell me more about James, his family, and the supernatural world. I had to know. James, of course, didn't want me to know any of it, so when he heard that I was going out with Rhys, he deceived me and led me away. And here I was now, all alone with a vampire in the forest, about to assault the vampire from whom I had no chance of escaping if my plan failed.
I swung the rock towards his head with as much force as I had, closing my eyes and sucking in my breath. The explosive sound of the shattering rock reached my ears, and it was followed by another loud bang from below me.

*****

When I opened my eyes, I noticed that James was no longer in front of me; he was lying on the floor, completely motionless and quiet. I forgot all about the running away when the panic reached me. I couldn’t leave him like that; Rhys could wait. What if I had actually hurt him in my reckless, desperate attempt to run away and find out more about him? It took me a while to notice that I had dropped to my knees next to him, and my breathing was rough and uneven.

“James! James, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please wake up,” I whispered at first, my volume getting louder when he didn’t move or react in any other way. “pooop! I’m sorry! Wake up, damn it! James!” I closed my eyes and fell to the ground next to him in the shame and stress my actions had brought on. I didn’t know what to do. I would probably know how to help a human in this situation, but how could I help an unconscious vampire? I couldn’t exactly carry him; he was bigger than me, and I wasn’t even strong enough to pick him up. I would probably get lost in the forest. Actually, without his guiding, I was already lost. Nice.

I froze again when I felt a cold arm wrapping around my waist. Relief flowed through me when he chuckled and whispered in my ear, “I don’t think I have ever heard you swear until today. Why are you so upset?”

The relief was replaced with anger when I realized what he had done. I wriggled out from his hand, and stood up to look down at him, but he was already up as well, grinning and leaning against a tree as if nothing had happened. I was so furious I couldn’t even speak, but I calmed down again when I realized that even though he wasn’t injured, I had still done a horrible thing.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, looking down and away in embarrassment.

“That’s quite alright,” he responded. “However, I should be the one apologizing. I should have moved out of the way instead of throwing you into hysterics like that.” My gaze returned to his face, and he was grinning again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was grinning at his own funeral… Not that he would ever need to have one, it seemed.

“You- you knew?” the anger was returning. What is up with me today? I thought to myself about my extreme mood swings.

He replied in a teasing tone, “Of course I knew. Water? Really? You think I wouldn’t pick up on that scent? I had to let you test out your little theory.”

“Ugh” I groaned in fury and stomped off in the other direction. I paused when I realized again that I had no idea where I was or where anything else was. Damn vampires.

“So where do you intend on keeping me hostage?” I asked and turned around. He was already behind me, carrying my messenger bag.

James snorted in amusement and answered slowly in a dark, frightening voice, “I am taking you to our house, where I will hand-cuff you to my bed and keep you my prisoner until I am bored with you.”

When I swallowed the lump in my throat and made no other response, he laughed and returned to his usual expression. “Kidding, Anabelle. I am taking you to our house though. You seemed so eager to learn about me and my family, so I thought you needed to hear our story from us instead of getting it from a vampire hunter.

This post has been edited by NiduenDrottning: 28 December 2008 - 02:08 PM

[China Oolong]

...Stupid vampires -.- That's not fair.

In case you were wondering, yes, that is always how I react when the vampires get their own way.

...

Great update, by the way. ^_^ I would try to think of something to crit, but I'm so damn dizzy and my head hurts.

[aPrieerox]

I liked the story, But the fact that , the main vampire so far is named james kind of makes me think of the evil james in twilight, although he seems pretty funny.
The story seems pretty good, i'd like to read more

[Creme Fraiche]

I nearly thought that this was James from the actual Twilight book too.
When's the next update?

[Never Ending Darknes]

That was incredible. But I kinda have a thing against the name James now, so he is going to have to waork hard to get my approval. Very good story.