[Eragons fricai]

I know it is not a good story but I am just a beginner. Please give your comments and point out my mistakes. After reading this post, tell me should I continue writing or not.




Ch 1


The sun emitted a bright light on the sandy ground, casting pale shadows on the surface. Eragon roamed the battlefield searching for wounded soldiers. Saphira stomped beside him, her large sapphire eyes fixed on him all the time. Eragon thought of the events of the previous day. He saw Glaedr descending hurriedly, hoping that Oromis would survive until he reached Islanzadi or the healers. He saw Oromis pass into void. He viewed Glaedr mourning for his partner of life who was murdered by Murtagh and his hatchling dragon. "Eragon, do not think about our grievous losses. It will only make matters worse". Saphira said in her deep echoing voice. "Okay". Eragon responded. Both of them lapsed into an uneasy silence as they thought about Oromis and Glaedr. Eragon reached for Glaedr's Eldunari to assure himself that it was safe. He took it out and stared at it for a long time. After a while, he replaced it in his inner pocket.

"Will you please lend me some of your energy?" Eragon asked her wearily as they approached a Varden warrior, who was on the verge of death.
"It is all right, you can take some of mine" She replied. Eragon knelt beside the injured soldier and placed his gedwey ignasia upon the dirty wound.
With all the strength he could muster, from himself and Saphira, he focused on the healing word from the ancient language. "Waise heill" The skin sealed itself immediately, only a scar left of the wound. However, the pain did not cease so Eragon performed a complex spell, draining all his strength and some of Saphira's. The pain subsided as he completed the spell.

"Thank you, Shadeslayer. I am in your debt" The warrior said and bowed before him."
"It was my duty" Eragon replied, feeling modest. He plodded on toward the next soldier with Saphira at his side.
"You shall rest, Eragon. You have spent many laborious hours, curing these two-legged humans." Saphira suggested
"Yeah I agree with you. I would dearly love to have some rest but I cannot. These people are at my mercy. If-"
"Go and rest, little one." Saphira interfered, expressing disapproval.
"Okay, I am leaving. What will you do?" He inquired.
"I am going to have a nourishing meal for the first time since we left Ellesmera" Saphira replied, already unfolding her wings.
"Goodbye, Saphira"
"Goodbye, little one" She crouched and suddenly flung herself into the sky, fast as a bullet. Her scales shimmered in the bright, afternoon sunlight. He watched the blue, dragon with a mixture of awe and amazement as she ascended into the sky and disappeared behind the light, blue clouds that blanketed the sky.

He turned around, thinking about his dragon. He was utterly startled to see Arya, standing in front of him. She honored him by beginning the elvish greetings. He responded feeling embarrassed.
"Nasuada sent me to escort you to her meeting place." Arya began the conversation.
"Do you have any idea about her intention?" He inquired as they headed toward the house where Nasuada had decided to live while they were in Feinster.
"She did not tell me but I think that she wants you to go somewhere" Arya replied. "You look tired," She added upon seeing the state of his exhaustion.
"I have been working the whole morning, healing the Vardens," He admitted. There was a long silence as both of them were engrossed in their own thoughts.

They wove their way between narrow streets and alleys to a huge building with two minarets towering above it. It resembled an ancient cathedral, which Eragon had seen in an elvish scroll. The scarlet tiles were crumbling. A small, single-storey house stood besides the building. Its outer wall was being painted red by two hefty laborers. The nighthawks stood on the threshold of the house. Two of them barred their way as they neared the entrance.
"I, Eragon Shadeslayer, seek an audience with the Lady." Eragon said loudly.
"I, Arya, will accompany Eragon during this audience" Arya followed.
"Let the Shadeslayers enter." Nasuada ordered from the house


As the two nighthawks got out of the way, Eragon entered the house with Arya at his side. The entrance hall was vast and beautiful. To their left, pictures of the former rulers of Feinster hung on the wall. To their right was a curtain, adorned by an image of a sword and a shield. Beneath them, was a carpet made by a thick material. There were two doors to the right and three to the left. The roof was thatched and it seemed that it had been build before the fall of the Riders.

In front of them sat Nasuada on a wooden chair, her almond-shaped eyes fixed upon them. In front of her was a round table upon which laid a beautiful necklace. There were several chairs around the table.
"Come on, sit down" Nasuada said, beckoning towards a chair.
"Thank you." Eragon said and collapsed on a chair. Arya sat down beside him.
"Our spies have seen Murtagh and Thorn who were flying towards the Beor Mountains. So, I want you to-"
"What do you want me to do?" Eragon said irritably.
"I want you to pursue them because I think they might be heading towards the dwarf army that Orik has sent for our help." Nasuada said calmly.
"When will I leave on this excursion?" Eragon asked sarcastically.
"Today" She became more tranquil.
"You can send anybody else who will follow them while I figure out where Galbatorix has kept the Eldunari," He suggested.
"Eragon, you don't understand. This is urgent"
"Okay" he said, resigning.
"Arya, I don't have any command on you but I insist that you shall go with him because he gets into trouble whenever he is alone. His safety must be our first priority"
"Okay, I will go but first, I want to talk with my mother." Arya replied and strolled out of the house.
"Eragon, go and get ready. You shall leave before evening"
Eragon nodded and walked out of the house. His hair fluttered as the wind approached rapidly from the west. He hurried back to his tent and started to pack his belongings, thinking about the journey ahead.


Please give your views about my story and give me some tips to improve my writing style.

This post has been edited by Eragons fricai: 31 October 2009 - 10:18 AM

[Lady Goldylocks]

Hi, you need to c-level your story. Please read the writers' hangout rules before posting here!

[jky1995]

A pretty decent start. I noticed a few grammatical mistakes eg, you forgot to use the quotation marks in some places. I like it.

[Murtaghs enemy]

Good start ,when will you update the next chapter?

[Fusaichi Pegasus]

Good start! I have to say that I like it. C1 is a bit low. Just keep an eye on grammar and everyone will be happy. I make the same mistakes myself!

[Eragons fricai]

Well, it's not a very good chapter but it's my best. Please point out my grammatical mistakes so I can amend them.





Ch 2






Eragon sat on the uneven ground, engaged in his own thoughts. Arya sat in front of him, clad in her usual clothing. Despite the cold, chilly wind, she did no wear any thing over her usual dress. Between them was a blazing fire which burned their faces. Their faces glowed in the dark surroundings.

They were camped west to Cithri, a city in northern Surda. A small stream flowed from their left towards the sea. The deafening noise of the gurgling water thrummed in their ears. Around them, the land was bare, devoid of shrubs and bushes. The night was late and the morning star, Aiedail, beamed on their faces. Dawn was approaching rapidly.

For a whole day they had traveled continuously, without a break. They had halted here so that Saphira can have some respite after a whole day's flying. Immediately after they had landed, she had gone off to fill her voluminous belly and still hadn't returned. Their mental link had ceased because she had gone far away as there wasn't any creature around for over four miles. Eragon grew tenser as he waited for her.
I should immerse myself into something so I can stop worrying about her. Eragon thought.
"What is it that worries you, Eragon?" Arya asked
"Saphira" He said shortly.
There was a long silence before Eragon said" Will you spar with me? I haven't fought with an elf for a long time"
"Yeah, I would like to test your abilities." She said and stood up, unsheathing her sword. The sword glimmered brightly in the firelight.

Eragon, also, drew his sword, in a regal manner. He blocked the edge of his blade as she blocked hers. He gazed at Arya's emerald eyes, trying to predict her first attack. She stared back. Both of them stood still for almost a minute. Suddenly, Arya sprang towards him, fast as lightening. She attacked from above. Eragon quickly deflected her blow and swung his sword towards her left. She parried his blow with utmost ease. They danced like this for ten minutes, every time blocking the other's attack. Eragon tried his best to break her defenses but failed She blocked his vain attempts with a flick of her sword.

Eragon steadily grew tired as the fight proceeded. His limbs shook from exhaustion but he didn't give up. He knew that she, too, was fatigued and his victory was near. He aimed towards her right but quickly changed the direction from right to left. She tried to stop his blow but she was too late. The blade had already reached her right hand. Eragon slowed his blow as she didn't want to hurt her badly. Despite his attempt, the blade struck her arm ferociously. Blood streamed down her arm to the plain ground. She dropped her sword and held her arm tightly. She grimaced with pain as the blood stained her hand.

Eragon leapt towards her, sheathing his sword. He placed his shining palm upon her wound and reached for magic. As he penetrated the barrier that surrounded the magic, he uttered a long healing spell. The skin sealed itself as Eragon finished the spell. He slowly backed away, looking into her eyes. She stooped and picked up her sword.
"Well, I have to admit that you are more proficient than me in sword fighting." She commented.
"Thank you!" he replied and sat down wearily.

Eragon! Eragon's attention was engrossed by the mental shout. He stood up and gazed at the sky. Upon the horizon flew Saphira, her wings throbbing quickly.
Murderers! Traitors!
What is it, Saphira? He asked
Empire's army! They are heading towards Cithri
"We have to leave now. The soldiers are coming" Eragon told Arya as she looked at him
"Okay" she said and quenched the fire.
Both of them packed their belongings speedily and waited for Saphira to approach. After a while she reached their camp and descended to the ground. Eragon quickly packed their possessions on her saddlebag and knelt on the ground. He summoned the water from the ground to the surface and held it there. ."Draumr kopa" he uttered. The water went pitch black. After a while, blurry images started to emerge on the surface.

Eragon saw Nasuada sitting on a tall chair, clutching a bottle of beer. She wore a scarlet dress which billowed around her as she stood up and adjusted the mirror from which they were seeing her.
"What is it that you want this late at night? She asked irritably.
"My Lady, I just wanted to inform you that the king's forces are marching towards Cithri" He replied.
"I already know." She retorted. "Where are you?" She added.
"We are camped west to Cithri and are just leaving the place. Saphira saw the soldiers and informed us about them. I thought it would be better to communicate with you. Do you want me to join the fight or not?"
"Eragon, I have already given you a mission. Your job is to complete it and not interfere with my own matters."
"Who-"
"Eragon, be quick. The warriors are getting near." Arya interfered.
"Okay, I am done" he said and removed the spell.
He stood up and clambered upon Saphira's saddle. He held out his hand to Arya as she tried to mount Saphira. When both of them were ready, Saphira opened her wings and ascended into the sky. Eragon shivered as the cold wind touched his face. He surveyed the ground for any group of warrior who might be wandering about. Seeing none, he shifted his gaze to Saphira's neck. Suddenly, a flash of crimson light illuminated the sky. He felt a sharp pain on his back as something hit him from behind. He spun around and was surprised to see his half brother on his dragon hatchling
"Murtagh!" he exclaimed



Liked the story or not? Please share your views with me.

This post has been edited by Eragons fricai: 01 January 2009 - 09:54 AM

[Fusaichi Pegasus]

Nice twist in the tail ending. But why is Eragon so grumpy with Nasuada?
Despite me not understanding that, I like it. This merits a C-2 at least, if not a C-3. I can't wait to read more!

[Eragons fricai]

Nice twist in the tail ending. But why is Eragon so grumpy with Nasuada?
Despite me not understanding that, I like it. This merits a C-2 at least, if not a C-3. I can't wait to read more!

Eragon is a bit grumpy with Nasuada because she forced him to go on this journey even though it was against his will. Also, he was tired from his previous, long journey (From Ellesmera to Feinster) yet she ordered him to leave.

This post has been edited by Eragons fricai: 01 January 2009 - 11:25 PM

[Jared6727]

i like it its good hopefully another update tonight.

[the-sage]

You need to give more credit to yourself....it seems quite good and well planned out.

[Eragons fricai]

Here is the first part of chapter 3. Hope you enjoy it. Please point out my mistakes.








Ch 3 (Part 1)



Murtagh was robed in a scarlet dress upon which he wore an emerald cloak. There was a long scar on his face which reached from his eyes to his neck. It was possibly a remnant of his duel at Gil'ead with Oromis and Glaedr. His previously grown beard and mustache was shaved. His pitch-black hair was neatly trimmed which gave him a mesmerizing look. The unsheathed sword in his hand gleamed like a shining star. He looked proudly at his red dragon whose scale shimmered in the surrounding starlight.
"So, we meet again, brother" He said.
Don't heed him, Eragon. Saphira said.
Saphira, you should land quickly. We need to get Arya off you
Okay, I am landing. She said and quickly descended towards the ground. Thorn followed them but was not quick enough. When they were near the land, Arya let herself fall to the ground. Saphira whirled around and winged towards the other dragon.

Eragon opened his mind to merge his and Arya's consciousness. He was lost in the melody of her consciousness as it flowed through his. Suddenly, there was collision as Saphira hit Thorn with tremendous force. The noise of the impact was such that Eragon was thrown back on his saddle. Eragon drew out his sword and cried out" Brisingr." The sword burst into blue flames. Eragon lifted Brisingr and slashed it at Thorn's tail. The skin burst open and released a stream of blood. Suddenly, Eragon felt a consciousness, trying to enter his mind. Eragon quickly barred his mind from everyone except Arya and Saphira. He tried with all his might but Murtagh was much more powerful albeit they were three.

Eragon, use Aren. It will give you the strength to resist him. Arya said in his mind
Upon Arya's advice, he took out the ring and started to use energy from it. Murtagh's neck muscles tightened as he borrowed energy from his Eldunari.
Master, will you please lend me some energy? Eragon asked Glaedr. Suddenly, Eragon felt a huge amount of energy flow into him. He used the energy to enter Murtagh's mind and to immobilize him.
"You cannot defeat me, Murtagh" Eragon said arrogantly.
"Oh, yeah, I can" Murtagh replied. Eragon suddenly felt a trickle of blood on his legs and looked down to see a large wound on Saphira's belly. He felt the pain through their mental connection. Suddenly, Thorn kicked Saphira on his belly and fled northwards. Saphira tried to pursue him but she couldn't because of her excruciating pain. She collapsed heavily on the ground and closed her eyes.
I am dying, Eragon
No, you aren't. Don't worry, I'll find a way for you to recover.
Goodbye, little one. She said and closed her eyes. Tears welled in Eragon's eyes as he saw Saphira giving up hope.
"Curse you, Murtagh!" He yelled.



Next part will be Orik POV.

This post has been edited by Eragons fricai: 02 January 2009 - 01:29 AM

[Shurtugal Master]

What you made Saphira die Curssssssse you why the heck would you do a thing like that.

[Murtaghs enemy]

I think I know that Saphira will not die, Eragon or Arya will heal her.

[Eragons fricai]

Here is the second part of chapter 3. Hope you enjoy it.






Ch 3(Part 2)






Orik sat on a small chair in his warm, cozy tent, thinking about Eragon. In front of him was a small stone table upon which laid a beautiful gemstone. Sunlight leaked through the flap of the tent, bathing everything in yellow light. The sun was up and they were getting ready to leave. A beautiful scent filled the air, keeping them fresh in the warm weather. Birds greeted the rising sun by their soft, beautiful voices. Outside, numerous dwarves moved around hurriedly, packing their possessions. The dwarf army was about to move ahead so everyone was getting ready.

They were camped east to the lake Tudosten. The water was tranquil and serene. The dwarves were getting ready to move southwards because they didn't want to lose half of their army in Furnost. So they had decided to follow the lake southwards and cross it in Surda.

Orik was engaged in his own thoughts when a sleek dwarf hurried into his tent. He was covered in a bright, expensive armor from head to toe. The armor's red color indicated that he was one of the spies who had been sent northwards to spy on Furnost.
"My lord, an army approaches from the north" He panted
"Tell everybody to take positions" Orik commanded and shoved the gemstone into a bag.
The dwarf scurried away immediately. Orik stood up and walked to a chest on the other side of the tent. He fumbled with the key in his pocket. After a while, he found it and opened the chest. He took out his armor and his war hammer. He put on his armor and grabbed the hammer. Dressed, he walked out of the tent into the warm atmosphere. Four guards surrounded him as he headed towards the northern side of the camp. When he reached the northern side, he saw that most of the army was already assembled there.

Heading towards them from the north, was a group of fifty or sixty soldiers. Seeing the puny army, Orik laughed aloud.
"This is an army." He said mockingly.
"My lord, I think they are the Varden because they carry their symbol and their dress is of the same color." One of his guards replied.
"Are you sure?" Orik asked.
"Yes, my lord"
"Don't fire!" Orik commanded the archers.
They stood there for over an hour before a messenger of the group approached. He bowed before Orik and said: "My lord, we have captured Furnost and it is under our control. So we want you to proceed that way"
"Why do you want us to go that way?" Orik asked suspiciously
"Because the way will be short and Petrovya has been captured by Galbatorix."
"Ok we are coming" Orik replied.
The messenger curtsied and started to walk away.
"Check his mind to make sure he is not lying." One of Orik's guard suggested.
The messenger whirled around and unsheathed his sword. Before anybody could react, he stabbed the guard, through his heart.

"Treachery” Orik shouted and removed the man's head with his hammer. The man laughed and collapsed.
"Barzul, these are the painless humans which Nasuada told us about. The only way to kill them is to remove their heads."
The soldiers charged on the dwarf army, killing many of them. The dwarves fought back mercilessly. The battle finished after two hours of fierce fighting. All of the soldiers were killed and they had lost the battle. Seventy nine dwarves were slain and twenty were injured. The soldiers' corpses were laid in a pile near the lake to be eaten by birds and animals.
"The old king played a nice trick on us." Orik said to one of his guard as he dropped the hammer wearily in his tent.
"Yeah, he nearly deceived us" The guard replied.
"Tell the cooks to bring me some food. I am really hungry." He ordered.

The guard went out of the tent as Orik collapsed on his chair. He started to ponder what had occurred.
I should contact with Eragon today so he can be informed about the situation. He might give me some advice Orik thought and laid his head on the table. Tired from the battle, he fell asleep.

This post has been edited by Eragons fricai: 03 January 2009 - 01:54 AM

[Murtaghs enemy]

I like your writing style,good update.