[Go for Gin]

Originally for SE, now converted to IF! Also, much editing done!

Prologue

Andy looked down at the ice cream on the ground, then to the empty cone in his hand, then back to the ice cream.

"Motherf*cker!" He yelled. "Motherf*cker!"

His phone rang, and he answered.

"Motherf*cker! Oh, uh, I mean 'hello'."

"'T's Josh," came the voice on the other end. "Arthryn's got another assignment for us."

"F*ck yeah!" Andy yelled. "Maybe this time I'll get f*cking promoted to a f*cking mod!"

"Yeah, doubtful," Josh said. "It's just routine. It's not like James is back or anything."

"Still, I needed some f*cking action."

"Yep. Meet up at Administration."

"Who else is on the force this time?" Andy asked. He felt pretty proud of himself for saying a whole sentence without swearing.

"Let's see...we've got Spinner and Soggy on with us today."

Andy grinned evilly, then realized that Josh couldn't see him grinning evilly. "I'm grinning evilly," he told Josh. "Anyway, good team. This is gonna be one f*cking hell of a ride."

This post has been edited by Go for Gin: 13 February 2010 - 02:02 AM

[PandaSlayer]

This story seems quite good. Why did Andy tell Josh he was grinning evilly?

[Go for Gin]

Why, because Josh couldn't see Andy grinning evilly over the phone.

I'll update in a day or two with the first chapter.

[Hoof Hearted]

Weeeee!

You have tourette syndrome, Andy.

[Go for Gin]

Weeeee!

You have tourette syndrome, Andy.

Shh! You're ruining the twist!


Anyway, I think I'll update this. I probably won't get far since I'm doing this at school, though.


Chapter 1: 1337 h4x0r

Andy strode into the Administration forum, his long black trenchcoat flowing behind him. Josh, Spinner, and Soggy were in their trenchcoats too.

"Let's f*cking do this!" Andy said, slipping on his shades and grabbing a pistol, which he cocked in a needlessly dramatic fassion.

"Heh heh...the author said 'cocked,'" Josh said. Everyone there smacked him.

Arthryn entered, looking them all over. "Well, IFssassins, we've got another mission for you today. There's a new member called 1337 h4x0r, and he's completely spamming the Book 4 theories forum.

"Isn't that forum already pretty much pure spam?" Soggy asked.

"Yes, which shows you just how bad he is. We need you to go down there and take him out."

"F*ck yeah!" Andy yelled.

The four entered a Pelican, which took them to the forum. They parachuted out, which Andy described as "f*cking great," and landed in a thread about how Galbatorix was Eragon's brother, cousin, and uncle at the same time.

"Good God!" Spinner gasped as he looked around. "It's like someone dropped a bomb full of highly processed meat!"






This is where I leave for my next class. Rest of the update comes later.

This post has been edited by DwarvesRule: 24 March 2009 - 10:48 PM

[PandaSlayer]

The four entered a Pelican, which took them to the forum. They parachuted out, which Andy described as "f*cking great," and landed in a thread about how Galbatorix was Eragon's brother, cousin, and uncle at the same time.

That bit was f*cking awesome. I lol'ed at that part.

[Darth Futuza]

Why does Andy like to F*cking be so F*cking F*ck?

[Burgoo King]

Well this is indeed, aweswome.

I can has moar?

[Go for Gin]

Warning: The following post contains language that, while edited, is still extremely graphic. If you are easily offended, you may not want to read it. But if you like to laugh, and you won't be offended by a myriad of asterisks, be my guest.


The four of them glanced around, surveying the damage. Threads everywhere had been derailed, changed into different topics completely, or simply spammed beyond recognition. Mods and Admins alike worked on closing topics as quickly as they could, but they couldn't move fast enough. Ristalle lay on the ground, moaning in pain after being injured by a textual explosion.

"We've got ourselves a tough one," Soggy muttered grimly.

"Yeah, well, the harder they fall," Spinner said, shouldering his shotgun. "Come on, let's go find this guy."

They crouched down by Ristalle as he was being given medical assistance. "We want to find the guy who did this to you," Spinner said. "Where did he go?"

Ristalle stared dimly. "Greeny will hatch for Saphira," he whispered before the life left his eyes.

"The f*cker's already taken out a mod," Andy muttered. "He has to be stopped."

Josh spotted the thread first, though it wasn't hard--the entire thing was in flames. They ran for the thread, hoping to catch him quickly, though it was hard to run with the guns. "Us and our big metal p*nises," Josh muttered. "They'll be the death of us yet--though hopefully, we'll be able to kill a few people with them before that."

They found 1337 h4x0r quickly--he had the last seventeen posts in the thead, all of them consisting of either one word or statements that questioned Galbatorix's sexuality, and fired upon sight. They all missed, however--the spam was making them all nauseous.

Fortunately for their sanity, he fled the subforum, heading up towards administration to report them for flaming, Andy swearing at him all the way. They were losing him, but Soggy slowed him with a bullet to the heel. After a chase scene that was unexciting, simply because it consisted of "they ran from thread to thread," h4x0r collapsed right outside the Announcements forum.

As he lay on the ground panting, Andy walked up to him, gun loaded and ready to fire.

"d00d," h4x0r said, "y u sucha h8r? i wan 2 hav funn, n u no mod."

"That's f*cking it," Andy said, leveling the gun. "We have chased you across, like, seven f*cking threads, each with about ten f*cking threads in them that you f*cked up, and a lot f*cking longer than I wanted to. And now, you use that f*cking excuse for f*cking coherence? That's f*cking it, f*cker. You can f*ck with the Theories forum, you can f*ck with the rest of the forum--f*ck, you can even f*ck with the f*cking Mods if you want, and you'll just f*ck me off a bit. But you have pushed the wrong f*cking button, boy. You do not f*ck with the English f*cking language! And you know what I'm gonna f*cking do now, f*cker? First, I'm going to f*cking rip off your f*cking pants, rip off that f*cking little f*cker you've got down there--and I know it's smaller than f*ck, because your f*cking spam was obviously compensation--and f*cking shove it up your f*cking @ss and f*ck you with it. I mean, f*ck, man, you've f*cked this place up so bad. F*ck you, you f*cking f*cker."

He paused for a breath. "And now that I've got that f*cking rant out of the way, I think I'm just gonna let the sensor get the next f*cking one, just for the hil-f*cking-larious reference. IIIIIIIIII'M A-FIIIIIIIIIRIN' MAH LAZAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!" He swore, which was translated into "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The curse was accompanied by a gunshot, and 1337 h4x0r lay on the ground, unable to get up again. Ever. Because he was dead.

Andy tossed a business card onto the lifeless body. "Keep the f*cking change, f*cker."

He reached the others, who were dumbfounded. Andy had never snapped that much before.

Josh was the first to recover. "He didn't stand a f*cking chance!" he said, laughing. The others laughed with him.

Then they all smacked him and headed back to their business.






Hope you enjoyed it. I know it was a while in coming.

[Star Hawk]

Nice, it's been a long time sense I read a story that made me laugh. Keep it going I cant wait for more.

side note: I wouldn't be surprised if I end up in this for my constant butcher of the English language.

[Go for Gin]

Chapter 2: Murtagzluvr

The next day, the team was called together again. Arthryn stood over them menacingly. "Yesterday's display was disgraceful. Horribly, terribly disgraceful. Do you realize what you did? What you promoted to the entire forums?"

The team members all started whistling and pointed to Andy.

"I have f*cking Tourette's," Andy said.

"Yes, well I'm afraid it's cost you," Arthryn said. "I won't ban you (and that's being generous) but I'm afraid I can't have you on the team if you're going to use this language."

"Well that's f*cking fine by me!" Andy shouted, standing up. "You can all go f*ck yourselves, because I'm f*cking out of here if you don't f*cking want me." He hesitated before adding, "f*ck."

Arthryn nodded. "Hand over your badge. Your replacement is Darth Futuza."

"Well," Andy said, "at least you picked a f*cking good replacement." He stormed out, yelling, "but the team is still f*cked without me!"

After Andy left the room, Arthryn brought DF in. "Welcome, Darth Futuza. I assume you'll fit in well."

Futuza nodded, saying nothing.

"Now, there's a mission. No takedown today; just a peacekeeping mission. There's a newbie--she's not a n00b yet--by the name of Murtagzluver who's been spamming. She just needs a little guidance. Go down and scare the crap out of her, then leave her alone. She'll be on watch, but she's not a target yet."

Futuza nodded grimly. "We can handle that."

*

Andy sat on top of the great art gallery in the Creative Arts forum. How could he have been kicked from the team? How? He was one of their best members. And now? Just a common member. He needed the post counts the job brought him. He couldn't help it if he had Tourette's, could he? And could he help it that, on top of that, the swearing was fun?

He looked up grimly in the rain, which had sprung up for the sole purpose of being dramatic. He'd show them. Taking his position and job wouldn't keep him down. He'd destroy them all--all the n00bs of IF. He'd take them down one at a time. He'd show his associates. They'd regret the day they kicked him off the squad. He'd show them who was worthy of the title IFssassin.

He stood up. They had taken his badge and weapons, but he still had his knife. He could start with that and move his way up. He'd go all "Assassins Creed" on them all. And he would get back on top. He knew he could.

He looked out over the threads and saw his old team talking down some girl. At least he had missed a crappy mission. He'd undertake his own. He checked the name listings, finding the person with the dumbest, most 1337-filled name, and tracked them down.

"I'm coming for you, f*ckers," he said as he dropped from the roof. "You can f*cking run, but you can't f*cking hide from me, 'cause I'm the f*cking Juggernaut, f*cker!"

Then he disappeared into the threads, blending into the words, becoming one with the Interwebz, hunting down his first victim.

[Hoof Hearted]

"Could he help that the swearing was fun?"

Best line ever.

[Go for Gin]

Believe it or not, I'm actually planning this story out and am planning on continuing it. Unlike "Quest for the Third Egg," which included a huge gap from "everyone chases after the egg" to "the third rider ends up being Mike, who restores order to the forums" twist that never got past chapter 2 or 3. This one has a bunch of crazy plot twists and was quite possibly conceived on drugs (despite the fact that I've never taken drugs...weird....), and is going to be SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME.

[Ultima Valenhart]

Hahaha, this is incredible. Will look forwards to reading the next bit!

[Go for Gin]

Bad news, guys. After a bit of soul-searching, I found out that writing isn't my calling. I've decided not to write anymore and devote more time to my new joy: cheese-making. So I won't be finishing the story. Sorry.