[Never Ending Darknes]

Here is something I wrote for continuing after Breaking Dawn



1. The News
My wild hair whipped around my face while I ran. The ground, which I rarely felt, had patches of snow and was very soggy.Ahead of me, Edward ran with Renesmee on his back. Her tealing bell laughter was sounding more adult everyday. It was merely six months ago that I was nearly ripped apart my her while I was giving birth to my half vampire half human baby. Renesmee could now pass as a small six year old or large five year old. Her face had some childish roundness to it, but her body was slim and long.
About a month had passed since the terrifying visit from the royal coven, the Volturri. Renesmme often had nightmares from those weeks. Edward abruptly stopped, and I passed them up. I turned around quickly and ran back to them.
Renesmee was wearing a thin spring jacket and wwas grinning widely. She found it funny that I was often lost in my thoughts and passed them up in hunting trips. Edward sat her down on the ground and she ran to me. She placed her small, hot hand on my cheek.
I saw the trees whirling by and then the trees were at a standstill. A half of a second passed and then I was flying by, a blank look in my eyes. Another half second passed and I was back in front of her. The vision abruptly stopped. When I looked at her again she was grinning even wider. She started giggling and then questioned, " Are you ready to hunt? I'm really thirsty." "Yes, let's hunt. Are you ready, love?" Edward answered. I bobbed my head jerkily. I had forgotten, once again, about my thirst. Now that he mentioned it, my throat felt like there was a white hot branding iron in it.
We started smelling the air around us. Edward smelled a large heard of mule deer to the Northwest. We tracked them, and Renesmee easily caught a large yearling. Edward and I were almost dying of thirst(so to speak) and easily drained two large bucks and a few doe each. I tried to be more neat with my kills, but still ended up being covered in mud and blood from head to toe. Edward, skin sparkling gloriously in the bright sunlight, didn't get one drop of blood on his clothing or face. Edward went for another kill, this time an overweight doe. I watched with amazement as he leaped pounced like a cat. I wondered when I would be able to hunt with such grace and beauty.
Renesmee drained the fawn slowly and when she was finished, she came skipping back to me. Her face was smeared with blood and her hair had a mixture of twigs, leaves, and blood nestled in it. I couldn't help thinking how bad she needed a bath. But then again, I wondered how I looked to her. As if she read my mind, Renesmee placed her hand on my cheek and showed me how I looked throught her eyes. I was worse off then I though. I frowned at myself and she laughed her sweet laugh. Edward was back at that instant and as he took in our looks he grinned the crooked smile that I love.
"Are my girls ready to go home and clean up, or should we go find the rest of the herd?" Edward asked already knowing Renesmee's answer.
"I think I'm good for a while. Oh, do you know when there will be some meat eaters around? I'm really getting tired of herbivores." I asked trying to be whiney.
"Soon enough, love. Be patient. The grizzlies will be coming out of hibernation any time now. Emmet's favorite time of the year." Edward answered happily.
I smiled, happy about the first part. I was a little worried about the grizzlies, and I must have shown it on my face because Edward was suddenly laughing loudly, shaking the trees around us. I loved his booming laugh, and I knew I would be able to hear everyday for the rest of my life, or well my existence. He was mine, and he was mine forever. I liked that idea.
Edward had Renesmee on his back when suddenly he said "I don't know, why don't you ask her."She motioned me over to her and then stood on her tiptoesto whisper in my ear, "Mommy, can I ride on your back?" I was surprised by her request. She preferred riding with her father because he could run faster than me. I nodded slowly, still in shock, and she climbed on my bawrapped her thin arms around my neck and she placed her small, warm, little head on my shoulder.
Edward and I ran home side by side, hands intertwined. His skin was silky smooth and warm, a nice change from the way it used to feel as I recalled from my blurry human memories.When we reached the big house, I automatically went to the large bathroom. When Renesmee and I reached the bathroom I sat her down to go into the large closet in Alice's room to find some clothes for me and my little girl. Alice had stubbornly given us a large dresser for times like this.
I grabbed a pink t-shirt and sweats for Renesmee and a silk sundress for me. When I returned to the bathroom, Renesmee was already in the bathtub washing her hair. Rosalie was spoiling her by buying shampoo from France that had to cost at least $200 dollars a 16 ounce bottle. I had to admit, it worked wonders. Renesmee used this everyday and her always smelled like lilacs and lavender and was very easy to manage.
I read a magazine while she bathed herself.She enjoyed the warm water and stayed in for almost two hours. While she was getting dressed Carlisle and Esme returned from hunting. They had been gone for almost two weeks now and Renesmee was really starting to miss her grandparents.
When we got down the stairs Renesmme ran right to Esme. Renesmee quickly placed her hand on her grandmother's cheek. When she took it off Esme asked sounding pleased, "Did you have fun honey?" Renesmee bobbed her head quickly and started smiling a dazzling smile that strecthed across her whole face.
Just then Alice gasped and curled her fingers over the edge of the counter top in the kitchen. Jasper rushed to her side and questioned in routine ,"What do you see?"
"Zafrina is coming. Along with with Senna and Kachiri. They want to see Renesmee," Alice answered with a far away look in her eyes. Then her fingers became uncurled and she smiled. She looked very happy and excited.
"Zafrina? Is that the jungle lady that showed me pretty pictures with her mind?" Renesmee questioned excitedly. I was glad she didn't forget the woman who had been a witness for us to prove the Volturri wrong about Renesmee.
Edward answered with a smile on his face, " Yes, that is Zafrina. She wants to see you again. I think our visit was over due."


Chapter Two
The Visit

Almost a week passed until the Amazon Coven reached Forks. When they reached the house, Zafrina hugged everyone and told them how nice it was to see us again. She saved Renesmee for last. Zafrina lifted up Renesmee to her sholders when she hugged her. Renesmee was smiling amazingly beautiful smile. She put her warm hand on Zafrina's brown cheek. Zafrina suddenly had a far away look in her eyes. Almost five minutes passed before she Renesmee pulled her hand away. Zafrina smiled a wide smile that lit up her whole face.
"So you missed me little one? I missed you, too," Zafrina announced with her smile getting bigger every second. I couldn't help smiling at the scene. I would never have guessed that the most uncivilized vampire I knew would be so happy with this little reunion. Senna and Kachiri stood close benind Zafrina with watchful eyes. I was still surprised at how uncivilized this coven is. Zafrina gently put Renesmee back on the floor and turned to me.
"Her growing has slowed quite a bit. I'm happy to see that. So, where is the werwolf?" she asked with pure curiosity in her voice. I was once again surprised. She remembered Jacob? Surprising. Very surprising.
"Um, right now he is in a meeting with the other pack. Jacob will be back very soon," I answered, trying to keep the surprise out my voice.
"Jacob will be back soon?" Renesmee questioned with joy obviously in her voice. Amazingly her smile got even wider. I would have it was impossible.
" Yes, the smelly dog will be back. How wonderful," Rosalie said under her breath with more than just a hint of dislike in it. They still had not gotten over their differences.
I walked to Edward's side and took his hand in mine. Zafrina was now sitting on the floor next Renesmee. I guessed that Zafrina was showing her vision of a far away land. Renesmee was thrilled that the jungle lady was here, so I had to be. Usually when she was happy so was I. Emmet came barging in the door at that second. He shook his hair out and droplets of water flung out in evey direction. I got hit in the face by a few. I tried to not show any emotion on my face, but Emmet must have seen something. His booming laughter filled the house in a second. I tried to compose my face but he just started laughing even louder. Zafrina looked frightened by his extremely loud laughter.
Senna and Kachiri were already in a low crouch, about to spring. Emmet saw the frightened vampires and stopped laughing abruptly. Slowly Zafrina pushed herself off the ground and turned around to face the rest of her coven. She must have shown them a relaxing picture because the other vampires soon came out of their crouch with a distant look on their face.
I grabbed Renesmee up hurriedly. Her beautiful smile was now replaced by an adorable pout. She looked she was getting ready to cry. In one swift movement her hand was on my cheek. I was watching Zafrina's vision. The Amazon jungle was around me. I could large plants in bright colors. Monkeys, birds, butterflies, and other animals surrounded me. The relaxing sounds of the forest calmed me down greatly and I suddenly felt very relaxed. Then the large living room came back into focus.
Emmet was in front of Zafrina apologizing for his obnoxiousness. She nodded her head and accepted his apology with a look of irritation on her face. I tried to stifle back laughter but I was not succesful. I started laughing quietly first, and gradually got louder. Everybody in room turned to stare at me. Renesmee started laughing along with me. Then eventually everyone joined in. Then I heard a thudding heartbeat in the forest. Renesmee must have heard it to because she jumped out of my arms and ran to the door. She turned the handle and Jacob was right there, a huge grin on his face. He picked Renesmee up and hugged her with his grin getting wider and wider until it covered his faceMy nose wrinkled as I took in his scent. He definitely smeeled worse when he was wet. I did not understand how Renesmee could stand to be in his arms all day long. Zafrina watched with a small smile touching the edge of her lips. The rest of her coven watched with an unintentionally disgusted look on their face. I cloudn't help gigling at that. Edward turned to me with a questioning look on his face. I just shook my head.
Jacob came in, waved to our guests, and walked over to Edward and I. He was letting his hair grow out and it was almost down to his shoulders. Renesmee had a lock of it in her hand and was twisting it around as she sat atop his broad and muscular shoulders. She looked like she belonged there. The thought made me smile wider and then, even though I would have thought possible, Jacob's grew.
"Hey, are they safe? I can't have anything happen to Renesmee. I know Zafrina, but I have no clue about the other two," he said and his voice dropped down to a whisper. I heard two low snarls and looked over to see Senna and Kachiri with their teeth bared.
"Relax, man. We've got it under control. She may be the love of your life, but she's my niece. I wouldn't let anything happen to her, so keep it cool. Got it?" Emmet answered with a look of playfulness on his voice.
Edward took Renesmee out of Jacob's shoulders and hugged her to his chest. She swiftly jumped, did a three-sixty in mid-air, and landed on Edward's shoulders. She laughed as she jumped and her damp, bronze hair swung aroud in a wide circle. Edward faked a grunt for her amusement and laughed even louder.
Jacob stuck his arms out, and when Edward glared at him, he quickly dropped his arms to his sides and his smile looked less real. More of a grimace, actually. Renesmee noticed, and pounced on to his shoulders, knocking him back a few feet. Zafrina burst out in laughter and Senna and Kachiri started in soon after. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist, kissed my cheek, then pulled my closer.
If my heart were still beating, it would have skipped a beat. I found I was waitting for my cheeks to flush, then remembered that they never would again. To respond to Edward's actions , I put my fingers on his cheek, and turned his head towar mine. As I stood on my tiptoes to reach his lips, he pulled me up to him. I lost all train of thought, where I was, and who was watching until I heard Jacob mumble under his breath,"Get a room." Edward growled and I laughed. Renesmee giggled with amusement at our abrupt stop.
"You better not be like this when you're older. I'll have to lock up in a tower," I said playfully. Edward let his crooked smile grow wider at my remark, and once again pulled me close to him. Zafrina smiled at me with happy look in her eyes. I couldn't help smiling back.
That night after we put Renesmee in her light green and sky blue room Edward wound his arm around my waist once more. By the time we made to our room, we were wrapped around each other in way that would have been very inappropiate in public.

This post has been edited by Never Ending Darknes: 11 February 2009 - 06:53 PM

[Lunatic Monkey]

You stopped? You actually stopped writing!? Oh my god! You stopped right when Jacob comes in. Keep writing or you will be punished. *starts poking*

[potter573]

Keep it going. I want to hear more. Just fix your writing a bit.

[Never Ending Darknes]

I'm trying really hard. But this is my first time writing anything out of school. I just up dated chapter 2. I'm working on chapter 3 now.

[DMan423]

It's very well written, but it seemed to be getting a little jumbled there at the end. Update at your own pace. Don't let the update vultures on here rush you into making your story less than perfect. You're doing very well. Keep it up.

[Never Ending Darknes]

It wasn't them. I wanted to get a chapter done last night before bed. I guess I was a little tired. But anyway, thank you.

[allera]

I'll critique it when I can, but I just wanted to point out that you need to add a C-level to your story. Read about them here.

[potter573]

Why not put chapters in new posts. That way we can know when you update instead of you telling us.

[Never Ending Darknes]

Ok. Thank you for the advice.

[JadeRiderofTerrador]

W-O-W lol. Loved every word of it. Some of it seemed kind of stiff and jumbled up, but other than that it was good.
Grrrr will I ever get away from Edward saying "love" all the time. That really got on my nerves in BD. Oh well Ill live lol. Hope you can post again soon.

[Creme Fraiche]

Other than a few grammer errors, good job!

[Jennenna101]

Here is something I wrote for continuing after Breaking Dawn



1. The News
My wild hair whipped around my face while I ran. The ground, which I rarely felt, had patches of snow and was very soggy.Ahead of me, Edward ran with Renesmee on his back. Her tealing bell laughter was sounding more adult everyday. It was merely six months ago that I was nearly ripped apart my her while I was giving birth to my half vampire half human baby. Renesmee could now pass as a small six year old or large five year old. Her face had some childish roundness to it, but her body was slim and long.
About a month had passed since the terrifying visit from the royal coven, the Volturri. Renesmme often had nightmares from those weeks. Edward abruptly stopped, and I passed them up. I turned around quickly and ran back to them.
Renesmee was wearing a thin spring jacket and wwas grinning widely. She found it funny that I was often lost in my thoughts and passed them up in hunting trips. Edward sat her down on the ground and she ran to me. She placed her small, hot hand on my cheek.
I saw the trees whirling by and then the trees were at a standstill. A half of a second passed and then I was flying by, a blank look in my eyes. Another half second passed and I was back in front of her. The vision abruptly stopped. When I looked at her again she was grinning even wider. She started giggling and then questioned, " Are you ready to hunt? I'm really thirsty." "Yes, let's hunt. Are you ready, love?" Edward answered. I bobbed my head jerkily. I had forgotten, once again, about my thirst. Now that he mentioned it, my throat felt like there was a white hot branding iron in it.
We started smelling the air around us. Edward smelled a large heard of mule deer to the Northwest. We tracked them, and Renesmee easily caught a large yearling. Edward and I were almost dying of thirst(so to speak) and easily drained two large bucks and a few doe each. I tried to be more neat with my kills, but still ended up being covered in mud and blood from head to toe. Edward, skin sparkling gloriously in the bright sunlight, didn't get one drop of blood on his clothing or face. Edward went for another kill, this time an overweight doe. I watched with amazement as he leaped pounced like a cat. I wondered when I would be able to hunt with such grace and beauty.
Renesmee drained the fawn slowly and when she was finished, she came skipping back to me. Her face was smeared with blood and her hair had a mixture of twigs, leaves, and blood nestled in it. I couldn't help thinking how bad she needed a bath. But then again, I wondered how I looked to her. As if she read my mind, Renesmee placed her hand on my cheek and showed me how I looked throught her eyes. I was worse off then I though. I frowned at myself and she laughed her sweet laugh. Edward was back at that instant and as he took in our looks he grinned the crooked smile that I love.
"Are my girls ready to go home and clean up, or should we go find the rest of the herd?" Edward asked already knowing Renesmee's answer.
"I think I'm good for a while. Oh, do you know when there will be some meat eaters around? I'm really getting tired of herbivores." I asked trying to be whiney.
"Soon enough, love. Be patient. The grizzlies will be coming out of hibernation any time now. Emmet's favorite time of the year." Edward answered happily.
I smiled, happy about the first part. I was a little worried about the grizzlies, and I must have shown it on my face because Edward was suddenly laughing loudly, shaking the trees around us. I loved his booming laugh, and I knew I would be able to hear everyday for the rest of my life, or well my existence. He was mine, and he was mine forever. I liked that idea.
Edward had Renesmee on his back when suddenly he said "I don't know, why don't you ask her."She motioned me over to her and then stood on her tiptoesto whisper in my ear, "Mommy, can I ride on your back?" I was surprised by her request. She preferred riding with her father because he could run faster than me. I nodded slowly, still in shock, and she climbed on my bawrapped her thin arms around my neck and she placed her small, warm, little head on my shoulder.
Edward and I ran home side by side, hands intertwined. His skin was silky smooth and warm, a nice change from the way it used to feel as I recalled from my blurry human memories.When we reached the big house, I automatically went to the large bathroom. When Renesmee and I reached the bathroom I sat her down to go into the large closet in Alice's room to find some clothes for me and my little girl. Alice had stubbornly given us a large dresser for times like this.
I grabbed a pink t-shirt and sweats for Renesmee and a silk sundress for me. When I returned to the bathroom, Renesmee was already in the bathtub washing her hair. Rosalie was spoiling her by buying shampoo from France that had to cost at least $200 dollars a 16 ounce bottle. I had to admit, it worked wonders. Renesmee used this everyday and her always smelled like lilacs and lavender and was very easy to manage.
I read a magazine while she bathed herself.She enjoyed the warm water and stayed in for almost two hours. While she was getting dressed Carlisle and Esme returned from hunting. They had been gone for almost two weeks now and Renesmee was really starting to miss her grandparents.
When we got down the stairs Renesmme ran right to Esme. Renesmee quickly placed her hand on her grandmother's cheek. When she took it off Esme asked sounding pleased, "Did you have fun honey?" Renesmee bobbed her head quickly and started smiling a dazzling smile that strecthed across her whole face.
Just then Alice gasped and curled her fingers over the edge of the counter top in the kitchen. Jasper rushed to her side and questioned in routine ,"What do you see?"
"Zafrina is coming. Along with with Senna and Kachiri. They want to see Renesmee," Alice answered with a far away look in her eyes. Then her fingers became uncurled and she smiled. She looked very happy and excited.
"Zafrina? Is that the jungle lady that showed me pretty pictures with her mind?" Renesmee questioned excitedly. I was glad she didn't forget the woman who had been a witness for us to prove the Volturri wrong about Renesmee.
Edward answered with a smile on his face, " Yes, that is Zafrina. She wants to see you again. I think our visit was over due."


Chapter Two
The Visit

Almost a week passed until the Amazon Coven reached Forks. When they reached the house, Zafrina hugged everyone and told them how nice it was to see us again. She saved Renesmee for last. Zafrina lifted up Renesmee to her sholders when she hugged her. Renesmee was smiling amazingly beautiful smile. She put her warm hand on Zafrina's brown cheek. Zafrina suddenly had a far away look in her eyes. Almost five minutes passed before she Renesmee pulled her hand away. Zafrina smiled a wide smile that lit up her whole face.
"So you missed me little one? I missed you, too," Zafrina announced with her smile getting bigger every second. I couldn't help smiling at the scene. I would never have guessed that the most uncivilized vampire I knew would be so happy with this little reunion. Senna and Kachiri stood close benind Zafrina with watchful eyes. I was still surprised at how uncivilized this coven is. Zafrina gently put Renesmee back on the floor and turned to me.
"Her growing has slowed quite a bit. I'm happy to see that. So, where is the werwolf?" she asked with pure curiosity in her voice. I was once again surprised. She remembered Jacob? Surprising. Very surprising.
"Um, right now he is in a meeting with the other pack. Jacob will be back very soon," I answered, trying to keep the surprise out my voice.
"Jacob will be back soon?" Renesmee questioned with joy obviously in her voice. Amazingly her smile got even wider. I would have it was impossible.
" Yes, the smelly dog will be back. How wonderful," Rosalie said under her breath with more than just a hint of dislike in it. They still had not gotten over their differences.
I walked to Edward's side and took his hand in mine. Zafrina was now sitting on the floor next Renesmee. I guessed that Zafrina was showing her vision of a far away land. Renesmee was thrilled that the jungle lady was here, so I had to be. Usually when she was happy so was I.
Emmet came barging in the door at that second. He shook his hair out and droplets of water flung out in evey direction. I got hit in the face by a few. I tried to not show any emotion on my face, but Emmet must have seen something. His booming laughter filled the house in a second. I tried to compose my face but he just started laughing even louder. Zafrina looked frightened by his extremely loud laughter.
Senna and Kachiri were already in a low crouch, about to spring. Emmet saw the frightened vampires and stopped laughing abruptly. Slowly Zafrina pushed herself off the ground and turned around to face the rest of her coven. She must have shown them a relaxing picture because the other vampires soon came out of their crouch with a distant look on their face.
I grabbed Renesmee up hurriedly. Her beautiful smile was now replaced by an adorable pout. She looked she was getting ready to cry. In one swift movement her hand was on my cheek. I was watching Zafrina's vision. The Amazon jungle was around me. I could large plants in bright colors. Monkeys, birds, butterflies, and other animals surrounded me. The relaxing sounds of the forest calmed me down greatly and I suddenly felt very relaxed. Then the large living room came back into focus.
Emmet was in front of Zafrina apologizing for his obnoxiousness. She nodded her head and accepted his apology with a look of irritation on her face. I tried to stifle back laughter but I was not succesful. I started laughing quietly first, and gradually got louder. Everybody in room turned to stare at me. Renesmee started laughing along with me. Then eventually everyone joined in. Then I heard a thudding heartbeat in the forest. Renesmee must have heard it to because she jumped out of my arms and ran to the door. She turned the handle and Jacob was right there, a huge grin on his face. He picked Renesmee up and hugged her with his grin getting wider and wider until it covered his faceMy nose wrinkled as I took in his scent. He definitely smeeled worse when he was wet. I did not understand how Renesmee could stand to be in his arms all day long. Zafrina watched with a small smile touching the edge of her lips. The rest of her coven watched with an unintentionally disgusted look on their face. I cloudn't help gigling at that. Edward turned to me with a questioning look on his face. I just shook my head.
Jacob came in, waved to our guests, and walked over to Edward and I. He was letting his hair grow out and it was almost down to his shoulders. Renesmee had a lock of it in her hand and was twisting it around as she sat atop his broad and muscular shoulders. She looked like she belonged there. The thought made me smile wider and then, even though I would have thought possible, Jacob's grew.
"Hey, are they safe? I can't have anything happen to Renesmee. I know Zafrina, but I have no clue about the other two," he said and his voice dropped down to a whisper. I heard two low snarls and looked over to see Senna and Kachiri with their teeth bared.
"Relax, man. We've got it under control. She may be the love of your life, but she's my niece. I wouldn't let anything happen to her, so keep it cool. Got it?" Emmet answered with a look of playfulness on his voice.
Edward took Renesmee out of Jacob's shoulders and hugged her to his chest. She swiftly jumped, did a three-sixty in mid-air, and landed on Edward's shoulders. She laughed as she jumped and her damp, bronze hair swung aroud in a wide circle. Edward faked a grunt for her amusement and laughed even louder.
Jacob stuck his arms out, and when Edward glared at him, he quickly dropped his arms to his sides and his smile looked less real. More of a grimace, actually. Renesmee noticed, and pounced on to his shoulders, knocking him back a few feet. Zafrina burst out in laughter and Senna and Kachiri started in soon after. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist, kissed my cheek, then pulled my closer.
If my heart were still beating, it would have skipped a beat. I found I was waitting for my cheeks to flush, then remembered that they never would again. To respond to Edward's actions , I put my fingers on his cheek, and turned his head towar mine. As I stood on my tiptoes to reach his lips, he pulled me up to him. I lost all train of thought, where I was, and who was watching until I heard Jacob mumble under his breath,"Get a room." Edward growled and I laughed. Renesmee giggled with amusement at our abrupt stop.
"You better not be like this when you're older. I'll have to lock up in a tower," I said playfully. Edward let his crooked smile grow wider at my remark, and once again pulled me close to him. Zafrina smiled at me with happy look in her eyes. I couldn't help smiling back.
That night after we put Renesmee in her light green and sky blue room Edward wound his arm around my waist once more. By the time we made to our room, we were wrapped around each other in way that would have been very inappropiate in public.

First of all, some of the way you write is, to put it bluntly, vaguely childish. And never, did Bella describe her thirst as a white hot branding iron. Edward did, but Bella always described it as a fire in her throat that flared whenever the topic of thirst was brought up. Also, I don't like the use of 'Blurry' (human memories) It's more prof of vaguely childish writing. Bella describes it more as dim human memories that were harder to concentrate on. Also, You said bella pulled out a silk sundres, in Breaking Dawn, Bella specifically remembers the scent of silks and satins, to avoid them. Also, you make Renesmee speak like a child. At the ending of Breaking Dawn, Renesmee was already speaking with perfect pronounciation and articulation. You just made her sound more immature than necessary.
Also, you're not writing another James Bond movie. Unless you are, refrain from using things like surprising, very surprising. and again, Vampires do not get scared or frightened. I highly doubt that the amazons would have been startled by Emmett's laugh, oh and another thing, Edward doesn't have a booming laugh, he has a soft velvety chuckle, Emmett's the one with a booming laugh. Back to the point, Emmett wouldn't even be apologizing because he never would've frightened the others. And lastly, At this point in time, Jacob doesn't think of Renesmee as the love of his life. Thats just sick and disturbing. Remeber in Breaking Dawn, when when Edward told bella to relax, if he'd been thinking anything like that, he would've already ripped his head off. For now, Jacob and Renesmee only need eachother. Doubtful that Jacob thinks of her like that yet.

So, all this criticism probably has you thinking I hated your story. Actually, I loved it, Except for those few minor details. If you try to avoid these kinds of things in the future, It would make for a more enjoyable read (not that it isn't already)
I applaud you for your spinoff on Breaking Dawn. Please write more soon, it was a good read.

[allera]

Since you gave it a C-2 level, I'll keep it short and sweet.

It's a good start, and an enjoyable read. I'd suggest using a spell checker before posting, however. Either type it up on Microsoft Word and use the spell check there, or use a free online one. I would suggest www.spellcheck.net.

Also, when you're writing a fanfic, try to stick true to the characters in canon, meaning if the characters in the book behave a certain way, keep it like that in your story. You did a decent job with that, but there were a few little characteristics here and there that didn't match.

Keep improving!

[Jennenna101]

Listen to Allera! She puts a nicer spin on my otherwise rude critique. But I don't mean to be rude. Only to show ways you can improve.

[Never Ending Darknes]

Update!

Chapter Three
If it weren't Renesmee's waking yawns, I would have chose to stay in my place forever. Edward's arms were around my torso. My eyes wondered the room for a moment, then his hand was pulling my face back to his. He kissed me once more, then jumped up to the closet. He was gone for a moment, then returned in a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. He threw a deep blue silk blouse at me along with a pair of faded jeans. I slipped into the outfit quickly.
I started to make our bed when I heard Renesmee get up. She used the restroom, got dressed, and started running to the master bedroom. She burst thorugh the door and jumped on Edward's back. He grabbed her arms and pulled her around. She placed a small, dimpled hand on his cheek, although it was unnessecary. He nooded his head, and put her feet on the floor. She walked over to me with such grace, it made me want to cry. Renesmee's movements were very fluid, and she seemed to float acroos the room.
I reached down to pick her up, and she seemed a little annoyed. She put her hand on my cheek and I soon saw the family house. The picture was colored with a yearning. then I saw the faces of her aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I understood immediately. I nodded my head and we took off with out a word.
When we reached the house Zafrina opened the door for us. She held her hand out for Renesmee. Renesmee gladly took Zafrina's hand and they walked toward the living room together. Jacob was in the kitchen, horfing down a cheese omelette. When he saw me, he waved and smiled. Little pieces of eggs feel out of his mouth on to the counter. I shook my head and continued on.
Renesmee had a pencil in her hand and was drawing a protrait of the three Amazonian vampires. It seemed she had quite a bit of artistic skill. In her picture Zafrina's head was the largest and in the middle. Senna's and Kachiri's were a bit smaller and to the left and right of Zafrina's head. Her work was incredible. A true artist, I couldn't help but thinking.
When she was finished, Renesmee jumped up and ran over to her inspiration. Zafrina smile and her face lit up like a Christmas tree.
"It's beautiful, little one. You are a wonderful artist," Zafrina said with a heavy accent. The others nodded along in agreement.
Renesmee smiled and said," Thank you for letting me draw you."
"Anytime little one. I enjoy being your artwork. Anything to make you happy," Zafrina said calmly.

A week later the Amazonians said their goodbyes and headed back to Brazil. Zafrina was upset to leave so soon, but the others were glad to leave. Renesmee promised to visit them soon, and Zafrina calmly added that we should come see them very soon.
Since it was a Saturday, it was shopping day. Every weekend Esme, Alice, Rosalie, and Renesmee went to Seattle to go shopping. Today they were gone for almost five hours and returned with one hundred bags of clothes. Renesmee was wearing a stylish pair of Baleniciaga sunglasses with small diamonds when she ran in the door carrying a a neon green purse. Alice came next, quickly dropping off several big bags. Alice, Rosalie, and Esme formed a parade carrying the large, colorful bags off in the living room.
"If you guys keep buying all this stuff, you'll be broke by the end of the decade," I said with a frown. I couldn't understand why they buy all these clothes to wear once. It made no sense.
" Don't worry. We have a large sum of money hidden in case that happens. But it won't. Trust me," Alice said with a glorious grin reaching from ear to ear. She looked very angelic.
Her beauty still put me in shock.
Renesmee grabbed the bags with her things and started pulling on my sleeve. When I didn't move, she lunged on to my shoulder and placed her hand on my cheek. I saw her trying clothes on, and walking up and down the small hallway in our cottage. The picture had a sense of yearning to it.
I sighed and looked at Edward. He shrugged and grabbed my hand. He grabbed four bags, I grabbed three, and Renesmee happily picked up two neon colored bags. We said our good nights and ran to the cottage.
Renesmee tried on several outfits, including a black dress with bright orange leggings. Then she put on purple, blue, and white striped leggings on with a white shirt and purple skirt. Edward and I applauded every time she waltzed into the cozy living room. I snapped a few pictures as she posed at the end of her imaginery runway.
After two hours of changing, walking, and posing, she finally went through all of her new clothes. We put them all on hangers and hung them up in the closet in her room. Her wardrobe was quickly growing and she would soon need a larger closet. Hopefully, Alice wouldn't get as carried away with renesmee's as she got with ours.
"Mom, when will we be able to go see the Amazonians?" Renesmee asked curiously as I was getting her pajamas out of her packed closet. I shrugged my shoulders and continued looking.
When I found them, I turned around and answered her question.
"We will go see them when you want. But wait at least a month, okay honey?" I answered will a hopefully happy look on my face. She nodded and went to change. I shook my head and started walking to the living room.
Edward had a fire going and magnificent blue and green flames danced around in our fireplace. I walked over to him and he wrapped his arm around my waist. He bent down to kiss the top of my head, bu I turned to kiss him. We were soon kissing passionately. Renesmme walked in and started laughing. We stopped abruptly when we heard her come in.
Edward ran over to her, put her over his shoulder, and dashed down the hallway. I put my hand on my forehead, and started shking my head again. She always found us at the wrong moment.
After a minute or two, Edward was at my side again. layed his cheek on mine and I flet his cool breath on my neck.
"She wants to say good night," Edward said with a soft chuckle at the end. I nodded and shot down to her room. I opened her door and peeked in. She was laying in her bed watching the door. I walked in and sat down by her arms. She stuck her arms out I and I gave her a hug. She let go and i kissed the top of her head.
"Good night Mom. I'll see you in the morning," She said with a tired look in her eyes. She was always tired after shopping, but also very happy. I couldn't help but smile.
"Good night Renesmee," I said quietly as her eye lids started to droop.

This post has been edited by Never Ending Darknes: 27 January 2009 - 06:02 PM