[Prudery]

Hey, I'm Erona, and this is sort of a random poetry thing I'm doing. Without further ado...


(No title.)

Deep in the night, a dark dark night.

A man calls my name.

He screams it over the roaring of the ocean,

the deep deep ocean.

The passion in it is overwhelming, like a tempest mixed with the calm.

I know why he calls.

I know why he needs me.

My heart longs to follow, if not for the chains that weigh my ankles and wrists.

The tower is high, it touches the stars.

The bright bright stars.

I fear he won't make it to the top.

The dragon that guards me is shrieking now.

He sees my prince coming.

What will happen?

Gods help my prince come to me!

I hear the dragon swoop down toward my prince,

My handsome prince.

He screams of my love to the dragon

The horrible dragon

And looses a bolt into the night.

All is silent.

I fear for my prince

My darling prince.

I must know what has happened.

I lean over the window, searching for what I hoped not to find

I look only to meet the eyes of my prince

My wonderful prince

He rushes in and sweeps me off my feet

Holding me close

Oh so close.

My prince carries me out

Into the air

the cool light air.

We ride away.

Past the sea,

Past the forest,

Past all that we have ever feared,

To where we were meant to be.


Tell me what you think.

[argetebrithil]

Well...it's pretty thoughtful, must've taken you some time. I think it's good but I got a random question if you don't mind; what happens when prince charming meets the dragon ?

[Prudery]

That was what the bolt was for, killing the dragon.

I'm glad you liked it. ^_^

[argetebrithil]

Oh ok, some arrow bolt he killed the dragon with, I guess I over-looked that.

[lightening_rider1]

ii Really Really Liked that, especially how you used repitition. My favourite part was definitely the beginning as it is to me the strongest part of the poem.
Hopefully we shall be seeing more of you soon.

[Prudery]

Wow, I'm glad you guys liked it so much! I will write more soon, I promise.

[Prudery]

Here's another one, hope you all like it.


The wall.



Each part of this wall, is a part of my life.

The red bricks, the blue, the green, the black,

All of it, is a part of me.

Never have I seen such a thing of beauty and terror.

My life has not been easy,

but it has not been hard.

The black bricks of pain mix with the white ones,

creating the most amazing blend of joy and pain.

I do not resent the black or the red,

for they are what balance life.

I run my hands over each one individually,

remembering each event.

And I stop at the end where more bricks are being added,

and I wait for more to come.

[Prudery]

If any of you have noticed, I've started a sort of theme here.



The shackles cut into my wrist

The cold floor bites.

I hear them shrieking

I hear them coming

I know what is to come is inevitable.

They chose me because I'm the one with the blood.

The blood of a gifted one.

I see what people want

I see what they feel.

I don't really want to

But I can.

I can't control it.

They want me dead

They want me gone.

They fear me

When I don't wish them harm.

I was hidden away

Tucked in a corner where n one noticed me.

But they saw

And they took me.

That is why I'm here

That is why I'm doomed to die.

I guess it's a good thing.

No one will fear me anymore.

They open the door

They take me away.

And everything goes black.

There is more to this If you like it, I'll continue.

[gabriella]

cute happy little story youve got there
1. Veryyyyy Gooood im proud of you its good....
2. try to get more "flow" into it....but i love the return to describing your prince, it shows the passion and it does give the freeverse a certain flow to it
3. to help yourself improve, try writing sonnets to help you with patterns and structure of poems, and then freeverse will have more flow to it.....

over all it was very good cant wait to see some new ones

(ps. that was a critic for the first) ill write more on the other two later...im a bit tight schedualed at the moment

This post has been edited by gabriella: 17 May 2009 - 12:46 PM

[Prudery]

Thank you so much! I don't often write poetry, so I'm a little rough.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it!

[gabriella]

No problem my dear :) ...i'm sure with practice and help you could be a great poet! :)

Ok so heres my opinion on number two....
Alright so first of all I can understand what your trying to illusion with the metaphor of the brick wall...
Its a great idea! Just try to build it a bit more(ha like your brick wall :P) Try to get more, once again, flow, into it....also try not to be so straight forward with your metaphor, a poem is supposed to be a puzzle to figure out....so dont make it easy for your reader to get...

Its like:

My life is really crappy,
Ive been hurt so much,
Why can't i be happy?
My heart by you was crushed.


to make a metaphor with it,

My stone of love so deeply sought,
What times, have caused my stone such cringe,
For tears, my smiles cannot be brought,
My stone, my hopes, old, weary as an old door hinge....

(lol its bad only because i wrote that in 2 seconds)
But do you understand ? :)
Do you see the difference, how sure one is rhyming and has all the characteristics of a poem, but its the emotion and flow of it that has to make the reader think....

I'm only investing my time telling you this because i=I can see your potential!! :)
Keep writing!!! It was good!

[Prudery]

Wow, okay, I'll try that! Thank you so much for the help. I'm currently writing the second part to the last one, but it's not going well. So the advice you've given me will help a lot!

Thanks again, I reaaaaaallllly appreciate it.

[gabriella]

Wow, okay, I'll try that! Thank you so much for the help. I'm currently writing the second part to the last one, but it's not going well. So the advice you've given me will help a lot!

Thanks again, I reaaaaaallllly appreciate it.

, Im oobers glad to help If you have any questions ever, don't forget to ask me, im always willing to help
Don't give up on your second part your writing...try not to stress about it, relax and let the words come !
I'm glad to helpp!

Can't wait to see that second part!!

[Prudery]

XD I'm working on it. I'm currently writing five different things at once.

Until it's done, here's something short I randomly thought of.

A flower
Stares up at me
Most would think to pick it for their lover
Or they might adorn their home
But a flower is only truly beautiful
In its own home.

[Pompoon]

They're all very good. I especially like the third one, it really stand out. Impressive.