[potter573]

Below is a poem I wrote casually. I think I am crap but here goes.




I lay in my bed thinking of you
There was nothing I had but memories of you

They filled my mind refusing to let go
I was startled but had to cope with it so

I begged them to let me free
Because it was hard to think of you

They refused to let me fall asleep
Because I had been unfaithful to you

Visions they brought to me from days long past
When you and I were not worlds apart

But those days are now things of the past
For I was not sincere and let everything fall apart

This post has been edited by potter573: 22 December 2009 - 03:46 PM

[Africander]

It's actually pretty good, although it does break from the rhyme sometimes, if you patch those places up and give it a title then it would be better

[Sammy Chipmunk]

Your's is better than my crappy poetry. Well, I've been told my poetry is awesome, but I still think it's horrible. Anyway, if you're trying to rhyme, try a different schematic. 4-verse phrases, maybe, with every second line rhyming, and when 2 lines in a row rhyme, make them a seperate verse. That's just a suggestion, though. Also, don't end 2 lines with the same word unless it becomes a pattern. Definately keep writing.

[jack4prez69]

were you trying to do rhyme or not?
it didnt seem like it to me
heres one of mine



The black abyss

swirling

around me.

My darkest fears

loom closer.

The reaper swings

his mighty scythe.

I run.

Run away

from emotions.

Escape.

Escape the loathing.

The devils breath

trailing

down my neck.

It’s black.

All

Black.

There is no

light.

There is no

happiness.

I hear screams

of victims

and the corresponding

laugh of murderers.

I have no hope.

Love.

False highs

Only

dark empty lows




Where did the world go?

Where did the sun go? I lay down on the cold

Hard

ground

It is bald ground.

The vegetation too

has vanished.

What kind

of hellish

place

is this?

Perhaps

that is exactly

what it is.

Then

voices begin whispering.

It is inaudible

but

in the surreal silence

it beats against my eardrums

with the force

of El Toro.

I begin to wish

they would come

out.

I want to face

them.

Just let

them

destroy

me.

Nothing

is worth it.

They draw closer.







An evil light

finally

sheds vision

upon the landscape.

It is barren

a wasteland.

Rolling hills

of jagged rocks

root themselves

to the landscape.

Parasites

to the eerie beauty.

I could see for miles.

If not for them.

Then.

The whispering

begins

again.

And this time

it makes sense.

The end is near our little one

do not be afraid.

Come closer

we shall grant you

what you wish.

Do not be afraid.

Suddenly

I do not want death.

Two dark forms

appear

on the horizon.

no.

I stand up

and run.

Run to live.

To experience

life’s sensations

another day.

They walk at a

steady

pace.

Yet

they are

gaining

ground

quickly.




Do not be afraid.

They draw flashes of metal

from the depths

of their dark

billowy

garb.

No.

I trip and fall.

I scratch my right hand

when I break the fall.




The blood

from the cut

gleams

with a morbid glee.

It knows.

I look up

The figures are over me.

I look past them

at the sky

,scorched

and scarlet,

for the first time.

It is a dead

gray

on the horizon.

Do not be afraid

they cackle.

As I am lifted back

To what I believe

Is reality

They lift

the luminescent shards.

Plunge.

NO.

























I wake up.

I am sweating.

I look to my right.

My hand.
















Is bleeding.

[Africander]

There is rhyming here, although not consistent. By the way jack4prez, if you want to post poetry I recommend you make a topic of your own with your poems in it.

[Galbatorixs Nemesis]

hey, you're good potter573.......i like it ...you should write more often....do check out my poems too
i hope you'll like them!

[potter573]

Here are two verses of a poem I didn't finish but here goes. Thanks for the comments. And I will surely chheck out your poems Gallbatorix Nemesis but in a day or two. I haven't got time now.


The glowing summer sun rises
On the rivers blue and forests green
In the meadows the cows now graze
The horses neigh and the lions roar

Two armies march on the plain
Swords held high bows in hand
A volley of arrows cuts of the light
Men fall down;blood rains

[potter573]

No comments. Well I will post a full poem now so please do critique and comment.


I can't sleep


Endeavor do I to sleep
But in the end all I do is weep
In my heart memories I keep
I can't sleep, I can't sleep

Memories of the time when I did sleep
But now I feel like a frightenend sheep
Frightenend of the world and the shadows it keeps
I can't sleep, I can't sleep

Spiders crawl and lizards creep
Feels like I am in a dungeon deep
In me ears every second there's a beep
I can't sleep, I can't sleep

I had little money so
With sincerity I bought for you a present cheap
But furious you were and called me a cheat
I can't sleep, I can't sleep

The day did come when the bond between us did break
I feel so lonely as the days go by on the fastest steed
The steed of time; swift in speed
Even now I can't sleep, I can't sleep

This post has been edited by potter573: 20 April 2009 - 01:09 PM

[potter573]

Wake up


The water in the lake
See how it glistens in the morning sun
As everything around it; the summer sun bakes

The chirping of the birds and their singing
The morning dew on the green grass
There’s silence, though you may hear the sound of the bell ringing

Noon time approaches, yet the people still sleep
Oh! Someone wake them up
For they are in slumber deep

The horses neigh and lion roars
The snake slithers on the forest floor
Silence there is in the streets

Bees buzz along every flower
Is there anything prettier than the sunflower?
Yes; but it still sleeps

Wake up now O people of this land
For it is a beauteous morning; enjoy it
Enjoy it before the end
The end of everything and this land

[Africander]

It's a nice poem, but the style of language changes, the 5 stanza doesn't really fit well. You could try to be consistent with the style and the rhyme, and it would be better.

[potter573]

I will add more verses to this poem if you give me suggestions and constructive criticism.

I walk through the empty streets
Through the darkness of the night
People did tell me I won’t find you here
But move I, hoping to see the light

The howling of the wind
The dreary shadows moonlight casts
Through all this I traverse bound by an oath
An oath that forever lasts

I won’t let you fall to the darkness
For I took an oath unto you
Though I see that I will fail miserably
For I am not capable of fulfilling that oath unto you

But keep hope for there is time still to make amends
There is hope for you and I still
For before all this ends
The darkness shall be swept away, the sun shall rise again

[FriendofElves]

Wow. Very very good! You should keep writing poetry! Your really good. Cant wait for more!

[potter573]

Um Yeah, i did work on my last poem. Tell me what you think.


I walk through the empty streets
Through the darkness of the night
People did tell me I won’t find you here
But I move, hoping to see the light

The howling of the wind
The dreary shadows moonlight casts
Through all this I traverse bound by an oath
An oath that forever will forever last

Once there was happiness in my life
Now there’s only despair
It is littered with strife
Strife against the gloomy darkness

I lost you to the night
To the howling wind
Before this I opened my eyes to the light
Drowning in the dark I am now

If we meet again think better of me
For I am sincere in my intentions
There is so much to think
So many tensions

No matter how bleak the prospect seems
I have plans to make the wrongs right
Keep hope, it will work out in the end
I will find you and show you the light

I won’t let you fall to the darkness
For your love means much
Though I see that I will fail miserably
Because I’m inept, as such

But keep hope for there is time still to make amends
There is hope for you and I still
For before all this ends
The darkness shall be swept away, the sun shall rise again

This post has been edited by potter573: 15 May 2009 - 12:39 PM

[Da' Tara]

You have a really nice start with this poem. I think too some extent, it might be a bit too long. But if one keeps reading it, its not bad at all.

I have some suggestions. The first is try to keep a rhyme pattern, and stick with it. You are doing end rhymes nicely, but you switch from rhyming lines BD to rhyming AC, and then back to BD. Your not limited to one or the other, but just make sure you have some sort of pattern.

Also:

An oath that forever will forever last

This is unnecessary repetitive. Try to see if you can change that around somehow.

Btw, I like some of the repeating lines you have in your other poems! You're not bad at all

[potter573]

I didn't mean to repeat the word forever here in this verse. Thanks for pointing out and giving your encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!