[Bagenbaggage]

Life of a comatose man.

I once knew a man who escaped in a dream,
Moved only by anger and hate it did seem,
He ruled the land with a crown on his head,
Not knowing his body was slowly turning dead,
It was the drugs he did take,
So his body wouldn't wake,
Because his life seemed so cruel.

It was a cool autumn night,
When he found he lost all his fight,
On life he gave up,
Thinking he never got enough,
And to those dreams he did take,
The hope that he would never wake,
And in life he did quit,
To wait for the drugs to hit,
So that he could dream away.

I once knew a guy who thought he owned the sky,
But in death it did seem that he could always dream,
And his soul did they take for the dream to make,
A new one, so he could be happy,
Forever and a day his body would waste away,
But his mind intact could not take his body back,
So he sat as it did seem in his world of broken dreams,
Waiting for the day to come.

Before his fall he dreamed of a girl,
But she broke his heart and left his soul to unfurl,
And in this he'd reminise,
Wishing for one last kiss,
Upon his lips but it'd never come.

So forever and a day his body would waste away,
But his mind intact could not take his body back,
So he sat as it did seem in his world of broken dreams,
Waiting for the day to come,
But they'd never come,
So don't let yourself think that dreams will take away,
All the pain you feel on every single day,
Because regret is all you'll feel,
In your world that isn't real,
And pray that you won't end up like me.

This post has been edited by ShurtugalJohn: 05 May 2009 - 07:35 AM

[gabriella]

AWSOME that was supperrr good, i loved it : )
cant wait to see more : )

[Da' Tara]

To be honest, this poem confuses me. Im trying to figure out your story, but not getting it at all. Remember that your poem should try to paint a picture, what I am seeing at the moment is a man, who obviously committed suicide..apparently over a dream? Was he a king in this dream, or a king in real life...was he in a coma? So was it all fake? That girl he fell in love who broke his heart, was she a dream too?

This has so much potential. However, I'm not sure if I like your break in rhyme very well. You start out with end rhymes and then switch over to internal rhyme, and then back.

I'll give it a 3 out of 5...but if you work on it a little longer, it could be a pretty good poem.

(Sorry if it seems too harsh)

[Bagenbaggage]

Not harsh at all I wrote it randomly on here off the top of my head, I do not expect a five by anyone's standards.

I wrote this a while back in a note book and found it figured i'd post it.

Untitled (He who wears the brain)

It is these descriptionary verses,
That cause the demise and curses,
These people convincing me i'm worthless,
When most of the time i'm just nervous,
This mess Wayne has left has poisoned the masses,
It is obvious when you live where a waitress wants to be a Hollywood actress,
This society is tragic,
Many people left here with their morals on the matress,
Drugs making you spastic.

Death versus mortal,
Hate versus moral,
Have you taken a look at the world this sh*t is horrible,
God sleeping in the sky,
All the while thousands die,
And somewhere in the distance I hear an angel cry.

Death has no exclusion,
Immortalities an illusion,
Hell even the concept of immortality is an allusion,
It's a shocking conclusion,
That even your movies are a copy,
And so is your coffee,
80% of Arabica is going to the Japanesse,
And everything else good is also going over seas,
You don't think we're in trouble don't start,
You're all laughing despite what happened in Elkheart,
And with all the trouble you can just hark,
Looking to the past,
In the mean while you got creditors on your *ss,
Can't think of anything so you end up selling grass,
And praying on the weak,
Pretending you are meek,
In the mean time you keep raping sheep,
The corruptions deep,
Left like tea to steep,
Stock brokers looking over the edge before they leap,
You ask why I can't sleep?
Heavy is the head that wears the crown,
Or maybe just the brain.

It is a weird poem, I wrote it during class one day. The whole thing is off and don't fit with each other but eh, hope you liked it.

This post has been edited by ShurtugalJohn: 26 May 2009 - 03:03 AM

[potter573]

Sometimes it seems like rapping. Otherwise it nice with a different point of view of this life on Earth and what is happening around here. But still it could have been better.

[Bagenbaggage]

Poem for A

Why is it that I stay,
Why is it that I pray,
Why do I give you everything,
But you can't give me the time of day,
It's as if you look for something,
And it is not me to my dismay,
It's as if I always do that wrong thing,
When I say I think of you in every way,
But this love doesn't bring,
What it use to in any way,
So i'm just going to sing,
And hope for your love to stay.


I am Jay Gatsby,
I fall in love with undeserving women daily,
Tragic as that might be,
One might actually love me back maybe,
So maybe I ain't crazy,
But it seems they always want Patrick Swayze,
And not this nerd who is crazy,
Is that woman are concieted or just lazy?
I know my features are a bit hazy,
Like a murky morning ocean,
If I could only make a potion,
That would make you share my affection,
But instead I get no detection of feelings back,
It's like heartbrake is some sort of natural knack,
This love I harber,
Might just be like,
But I keep it all to you from day to night.

I know it is weird once again just writing these off the top of my head. But feed back is always accepted .

This post has been edited by ShurtugalJohn: 27 May 2009 - 07:47 AM

[Bagenbaggage]

If these walls could talk.

Five minutes to midnight,
Staring at my cigarette,
Breathing in as if it is my final breath,
I've had so many words flung at me,
But I never fired back,
Looking down at the sidewalk looking at a crack,
I wonder what i've done,
And the cards I was dealt,
Reminiscing about all the emotions i've felt,
And as the neon lights shine,
My mind goes astray,
Wondering if I could stand this one more day,
Upon this Earth so tortured,
All these people hated,
Wondering if I should numb the pain by getting faded,
I walk back to the house,
Starring at the sky,
Wondering if years ago I should have let you die,
Now in the dark of our house,
All of you are asleep safe and sound,
And I begin to wonder what it would be like if you weren't around,
Now if these walls could talk,
They'd have a story to tell,
About the yelling and the screaming and you causing hell,
If these walls could talk,
They'd tell you a lot,
About the curses and the blood and the times we fought,
They'd tell you about a lot,
And show you the indentation,
From the time I hit your head there before we went on vacation,
And it makes me sad now,
Knowing that you are really dieing,
It makes me regret and feel like crying,

Because to be honest i'd take the hell,
I'd do anything just to wish you well,
I want you to be better at all cost,
I want you to know you haven't lost,
And thinking about it i'll never have another,
Because I love you and you're my only brother

[Bagenbaggage]

Hopelessness

The rain in the sky sets the mood for this space,
Maybe not the space but more the expression on your face,
The kind of look that says you've been put in your place,
I keep telling you this isn't some kind of self esteem race,
Which I happen to be losing.

The spots from where you once stood still shine on my wall,
And you could hear the plucking of my heartstrings from when you did fall,
Sometimes they ask me if I miss I reply not at all,
But in truth sometimes I look at it and call,
Because I am in agony.

The picture you painted was a beautiful depiction of where my love had gone,
And if you were alive today i'd tell you on that day you didn't have it wrong,
But also in a way i'd hesitate my heartstrings plucking that same song,
Then when we'd sit and hear at the meadow when the days got long,
That spot is still on my wall.

The self revelation i've been going through have made me look back,
At all the losers and the drug attics my attitude did attract,
Maybe it was my brain or heart or a soul I did lack,
Or maybe the hollow space in you left in Iraq,
While my heart was here bleeding.

Point is i've made more than my fair share of a mistake,
And it was my ideals and dreams I did misplace,
Now I sit and i'm left to reflect at that dead empty space,
In this house that we lived in by the lake,
While my heartstrings pluck.

This post has been edited by ShurtugalJohn: 30 September 2009 - 04:37 AM