[Hoof Hearted]

Yes, I'm writing a new one. Mainly because I have some clever ideas for this thing, but was a lazy scum bag. Anyway, this is a redo with many differences and... well, you'll see.

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Log One: Imaginations from the Other Side

"In my dreams, I'm piloting the War Crime. It's like any other day. The handful of people who make up my crew are running about their business. I'm ignoring messages from command. And there aren't any pirates blowing up my s***. Then, as we circle around the moon of Jurano, I see horrible, horrible things. Things that I've only seen in other dreams..."

"And what are they, Captain?"

"Puppies... on tricycles."

The therapist paused for a second. "Get out of my office. Now."

"But, Doctor Charles!"

"Look, just leave. I'm not prepared to deal with this s***."

Captain Spinner of the United Inheritance Fleet snarled at the doctor who had been a baker the day before. Resisting the urge to punch him in the face, he sprung up from the lounge chair, threw the remains of his drink into a potted plant, and excited the room.

LATER...

As Captain Spinner boarded the War Crime, he sighed. His nightmares were sure to return again, and he wasn't prepared to deal with the stress of seeing puppies on tricycles again. He would scream as he dreamt this, and his crew would make fun of him the day after. Not even the cold, metal interior of his ship could cheer him up. He quickly made his way to his quarters where, he proceeded to press a small black button which turned the captain's log on.

"Captains log, date... well, I don't know. All I know is that Doctor Charles couldn't help me. Or he didn't want to. or he wasn't even a doctor. I'm just... so scared. These puppies have me terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. Are they a premenstrual? Wait, wrong word. A... a, premission... a percussion... GAH! A vision. Yeah. Anyway, I--"

Before Captain Spinner could finish his entry, a voice interupted him. "Captain Spinner, this is Spo--erm, I mean, this is Vincent. We found them."

"The puppies?"

There was no response. It was at this point that captain Spinner realized his intercom thingy was actually just a one way talky thingy, and Vincent couldn't hear him. After screaming in rage, he quickly rushed through the barely decorated halls of his spaceship up to the cockpit. "You found the puppies, Vincy?"

Vincent paused. "No, no puppies. We found the pirates."

Spinner was silent for a moment. "Oh. Forget I said anything about puppies."

"The Nameless Drifter is hailing us, sir. They wish to open up a visual screen."

Spinner nodded. Vincent pressed a button. A cat that was onboard coughed up a hairball. An LCD screen (whatever LCD means) turned on, revealing an alien who was green, had small, leathery wings, and a mass of tentacles around his mouth.

"UGH!" Spinner and Vincent shouted, recoiling. "Man, every time I see you, Saint, I die a little inside!" Vincent shouted.

The alien's red eyes glared at Vincent, then moved to Spinner. "Ben, you should have known better than to follow me here. Need I remind you that my ship has an INSANITY BEAM?"

"Need I remind you that my ship has a... wait, my ship doesn't actually have any weapons."

There was a great silence in which many things happened in other places throughout the galaxy, including, but not limited to, the death of Paris Hilton's final clone, the solving of the Middle East crisis, and the Simpsons being canceled after nearly two and a half centuries.

"Your ship is called The War Crime, and you have no weapons?" Saint Rising asked.

"I thought it was rather clever, you know. Isn't it sort of a crime to not have weapons during war? Anyway, that isn't the point. I came to get revenge, Josh!"

"Without any weapons." the green monstrosity said.

"You know, I probably should have thought this out better."

Josh shook his head. "I'll let you leave this time, but do not return, or I'll set my insanity beam to the "extra random" setting. BE GONE."

The LCD closed. "Man, that guy is ugly." Ben remarked. He smiled at Vincent, and Vincent just kind of... sat there. Before the pilot could say anything, Ben continued "Alright, let's get out of here. In fact, let's go to a primitive planet that lacks anything sentient so that we can really freak out some animals. It would be great."

And with that, the sexually attractive officer of the UIF left the cockpit. Vincent sighed, and set up some coordinates to travel to a primitive planet.

[Emily]

Wow, that wasn't bad at all. That was really funny, actually. I loved the part where you added Paris Hilton and The Simpsons. Very nice.

Vincent and Ben seem to be having fun in the story, if you know what I mean. I don't even know what i mean...

Anyway, this is a nice start. Good job with the first chapter/update/whatever. Sorry if I'm acting wierd. I'm sleepy.

I can't wait for the next chapter/update/whatever.

[Hoof Hearted]

Log Two: Et Tu, Vince? Then fall, Spinner!

The War Crime dropped out of hyperspace next to a planet where life was easily observable even from space. Captain Spinner looked out of the window in his quarters down at the planet where he saw a huge bird fly out of a group of trees. Perfect. He thought. It was here that he would begin his three part plan.

Phase One: Kidnap creature from planet without sentient life
Phase Two: ???
Phase Three: Profit!

With an malicious grin on his face, the very very sexy man pressed a purple button and spoke. "Vincent, warm up the tractor beam." After getting no response, he once more remembered that the intercom system wasn't even an intercom system and only went one way. Furious at himself for not getting a real intercom system before embarking on his evil plan, he stormed down to the cockpit.

"VINCENT." he shouted.

"Yes sir?"

"WE NEED A REAL INTERCOM SYSTEM. ADD IT TO THE LIST."

Vincent nodded, picked up a pen, and wrote INTERCOM SYSTEM on a list of things that Ben had told him the ship needed, which included, but was not limited to, a roller coaster, a small nuclear device, a life size statue of Batman, a strip club, a bar, and more cowbell. "It is on the list, captain."

"Good. Now, on to what else we need to accomplish."

Before Vincent could respond, Antonis the Great walked in. He was a strange looking man. That was because he wasn't actually a man, but a Nebraskisian, from the planet of Nebraskia. He had what we humans would call a farmer's tan, but it wasn't noticable because his skin was leathery anyway. On his head was a helmet, and his hands had six fingers.

"Captian Spinner. I have... news."

"Ah, Antony! How is Octavius?" Spinner asked.

"That play is nearly a millennia old, can we please stop referencing it?" Vincent asked.

The oxygen level in the room dropped because of how much Captain Spinner gasped. "HOW DARE YE?"

Vincent didn't respond.

After the moment it took Ben to realize that he wasn't going to get a response, he turned to Antonis. "Well, what is it, you saucy fellow?"

"The ratings have come in. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the appearance of Steven Tyler, you're rated at a four."

"That was the WORST news I've heard all day. Now get ye gone from my sight!"

Exuent Antony.

"Alright Vincent, we are now going to continue with our plans. Get the tractor beam ready, and enter the planet's atmosphere, we must kidnap a creature and... well, that part of my plan is a series of question marks, but whatever. Let's just kidnap a creature, and then go from there."

"Yes Captain." And thus, The War Crime entered the planet's atmosphere.

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Author's Notes: For anyone who doesn't understand the title of this log, the reason that Spinner seems to be talking in olde english, or why an emperor of Rome was mentioned, don't worry. You'll read the play in high school. <3

[Antonis the Great]

Very nice Josh, that was awesome

[Thebazilly]

Looks like another classic in the making, Josh! =D

[SergantMajorJefforson]

You better keep this up, you prick.

[Hoof Hearted]

Second one tonight. Yeah, I know, it's really soon, but I have so many awesome ideas for this. XD

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Log Three: Just What Was Phase Two, Anyway?

The War Crime flew over trees, and everything seemed peaceful from what Captain Spinner, Vincent, and Antonis the Great could tell.

However, below, all hell was breaking loose.

Under the thick canopy of leaves and branches, every creature and its grandmother was running as fast as they could. From the smallest of vermin to the largest of not-vermin, every single creature was panicing.

However, Captain Spinner didn't realize this, mostly because Vincent was forcing him to watch reruns of Spongebob Squarepants. "I told you, Vince, I don't find appeal in the hilarious antics of Spongebob and his compatriots. In fact, I find it all a little juvenile," he said as Spongebob explained to Squidward how they would get Robot Krabs to tell them where the real Mr. Krabs was.

Vincent frowned. "Captain, you find humor in the male sex organ. I hardly think you're in any position to tell me what's juvenile or not," he replied.

"Yeah, but at least I don't touch myself to thoughts of Spock."

There was a slight silence in which both people were to weirded out to say anything. The room was filled instead with the sounds of Mr. Krabs claiming to be the real Mr. Krabs, then Spongebob and Squidward smashing random kitchen appliances with a bat.

"You know, I was wrong, this is rather humorous."

"By the way, Captain, the tractor beam is ready."

"Shush, I wanna watch the end."

And they watched the end of the episode which concluded of Spongebob admitting that in the movie, there were no robots after all and it was just their imaginations.

"Alright, now we can go forward with the plan!" Spinner cried, walking over to the control pannel where some shiny lights were flashing. "Alright, phase one, kidnap an animal from the planet." He turned to Vincent and grinned. "Now, logically, we should pick an animal that's small and easy to take care of, right?"

"Yes, but we all know that you're not logical."

"Yes. Logically, I am not logical."

"So therefore you would not follow the logical plan of kidnapping a small animal that's easy to take care of, right?"

"Yes, logically, but the fact that I am not logical in being logical means that I would indeed, not logically but semi-logically follow the logical plan."

There was a silence. Smoke rose from Vincent's brain.

"I mean to say that I'm going to capture a small animal, for the sake of logic."

"Ill-logic."

"Yes." And with that, Spinner proceeded to grab the joystick that controlled the tractor beam. They came upon a clearing, in which various creatures were running through in an attempt to escape from the The War Crime. "Target locked." and with that one line, the tractor beam, which was this really cool greenish colour, spurted out from the ship and sucked up a smallish creature that looked similar to a cow but wasn't really like one at all.

"Alright!" Vincent shouted.

"ANIMAL GOT!" Spinner shouted. Some victory music played in the room.

"Now on to phase two."

"Right!" Spinner looked at his notebook he had with him. "Umm... phase two is a series of three question marks."

"Then let's sleep on it."

"Sounds like a good idea." He pressed the intercom that wasn't really an interom's button. "Antonis, go to the tractor beam bay and make sure our little cow-like thing is locked up safely."

Without waiting to hear a response he never would, Captain Spinner of the UIF turned off the speaker. "So, wanna play Twister?" Vincent asked him.

"Sure!"

And they left-leg, blue'd the night away.

[whereisbook4]

It is rather droll, but Exuent is for multiple people. In Shakespeare, it would appear as

Exit Antonis as opposed to Exuent Antonis, as there is only one of him. Presumably.

[Pasteurized]

Shut up.


I gotta have more cowbell! Awesome, it was very funny.

[Hoof Hearted]

Log Five: Wait wait what, did we just skip a log? What the heck?

Captain Spinner held the phablastaser pistol close to him, breathing heavily. He was not prepared to deal with this. Not after getting no sleep because of the constant nightmares of puppies on tricycles. He coughed up a bit of spit, then removed it from his mouth onto an important looking console.

He looked behind him. He couldn't see the beast. That didn't mean anything, though. For all he knew, it could have been a master of stealth. A half ton, hulking, hooved master of stealth! The worst kind!

In a near panic, Captain Spinner spun out of his hiding spot and ran towards the entrance to the escape pod bay place thing. There was only one left. He had made it just in time.

He walked triumphantly over to it, and leaned against it. "Woo... I tell, you that was close," he said, not hearing the steam that was being released from some valves that were around the perimeter of the escape pod. However, he did notice it when the escape pod left The War Crime and headed out into space. "Oh, you are kidding me."

With a deep breathe, he resisted the urge to scream. Then he turned back to head the way he was...

...and crashed right into the chest of the creature he was trying to escape.

"HEY, HOW ARE YA DOIN'?" the thing shouted.

"AAHHHH!!!" Ben screamed.

"AHHH!!!" the beast screamed back.

"AHHHHH!!!!" Ben screamed, even more alerted by the scream in return.

"What?"

"I said, AHHHHH!!!"

"Oh, I thought you said 'Ahhhh!"

"Nono, five h's."

"Oh, right, right!"

"AHHH!!" Ben screamed again.

The thing frowned, its horns glistening for some unexplained reason as they did so. "We don't have time for this. We have to solve a murder!" the thing shouted, pointing to the dead body that was beside them.

Ben straightened up. "You're right, random monstrous cow-bull thing that until two seconds ago I was rushing through the ship in fear of. We have to solve this MURDER! By the way, do you have a name?"

The cow-bull-thing nodded.

There was silence for a moment. "Will you tell me it?"

"Oh, right right. I thought you just wanted to know if I had one. Yes, right. My name is Bartimeaus. And I... am a cow-bull-thing!"

"Well I got that last bit. Anyway, let's solve this murder!"

And so, the great mystery began. The duo started by trying to figure out just who the hell had been murdered. It wasn't Antony, and it wasn't Vincent. It certainly wasn't either of them, because they were both investigating the case. And it wasn't that blatant Cthulhu rip-off thing from chapter one that was a pirate of some sort. Honestly, it would have had tentacles.

"Well, Mr. Cow-Bull-Thing. After an hour of trying to figure out just who this body once was, I have come to the conclusion that he was none other than... Mike."

Bartimeaus gasped. Then paused. Then frowned. "Wait, who's that?"

"Why, the Lord of All Things That Have Nipples, of course."

Therein followed a great silence in which the cure for the common cold was finally released by the American Government who had had it since about 1957. And there was much rejoicing.

"The Lord of All Things That Have Nipples?" Bartimeaus looked down his tunic. "Damn, I have nipples!"

Spinner laughed. "Don't worry about it. It's more of a title than an actual domain, really, as I understand it. It really doesn't mean anything." Ben sighed. "However, the problem is, Mike wasn't even on this ship, so I don't know how his dead body ended up here. We should take this up with Vincent. He's... Spockish. He'll know who's body this REALLY was!"

And so Barty and Spinny walked all the way back to the cockpit, dragging along the dead body behind them. That's right, his name is now Barty. When they finally arrived, Vincent frowned at them. "You two sure took long enough!"

"I'm sorry, but playing 'Reach the escape pod bay before being caught by a giant cow-bull-thing that was once a really small cowish thing but mutated because of a virus that we accidently spilled on him' really takes longer than one would think!" Spinner reported.

"Wow, that was an oddly accurate and condensed summery of how the heck Barty joined our crew!" Antony said as he walked through the 'woosh'ing doors behind him. "And I must say, a fine addition he is!"

"Yes yes," Barty said. "But my awesome transformation that was really a spectacle is not exactly the reason why we returned so late! We found... a dead body!" he shouted, showing the body that looked similar to The Lord of All Things That Have Nipples.

"That's not a dead body, its a sack of potatoes," Vincent said.

Barty and Spinner looked at each other. Then they looked at the body. "Huh," they said at the same time.

And thus did the mystery of who the heck was this body end! THE END!

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Yeah, honestly, that was a manifestation of complete randomness that I really needed to get out of my system before continuing to work on my big project. Expect another update by the end of Friday.

[Go for Gin]

Resisting the urge to punch him in the face, he sprung up from the lounge chair, threw the remains of his drink into a potted plant, and excited the room.

Wow...I thought I was the only one who could excite an entire room.

[Hoof Hearted]

I fear that you, sir, are sadly, sadly mistaken.

[SergantMajorJefforson]

Only Raptor Jesus can excite an entire room by merely his/her presence

[J The Great]

I can get a whole room excited if I spike my hair everyone starts laughing.Note I am badly in need of a haircut

This post has been edited by J The Great: 02 July 2009 - 09:34 AM