[Cielina]

I don't really write poetry regularly, but I'm creating this thread to post any poems I do write. This is a poem I wrote a couple of weeks back:


All babies have blue eyes

All babies have blue eyes.
She was told,
By voices spluttering in nicotine-stained old
Huddled round the mass of linen
Checklist in tow.

Ice blue boxes ticked
Like blue buttons sewn, threads loose
Spiralling downwards
Round in raggedy,
Jaggedy,
Lopsided ellipses;
Swiftly spun on the sparkling floor,
As stuffed limbs twirl
Haphazardly,
Elasticated to dilapidated
Sockets, on a whim,
They spin,
Out through the windows,
Into the sun.
As remaining tatters sink beneath the ice.

All babies have blue eyes.
All babies have blue skin.
She was told,
And cold, solid marble walls
Devoid of the melted snow, glistening
In mama's eye.


Some of the imagery in this was inspired by Pink Floyd's 'The Thin Ice' (The Wall). Similar (not identical ) imagery - newborn babies and ice skating - but different interpretation. The irony is, I was listening to the second half of that album whilst writing the first draft ('Waiting for the Worms'...which isn't really as innocent XD), and not really even thinking about the similarities between the song.

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Go ahead and critique it if you please. I don't profess to be particularly amazing (just bored).

This post has been edited by Cielina: 25 October 2009 - 04:33 PM

[holyknight]

Babies with blue eyes and blue skin!? That's a little new. lol.

Anyway, I loved it and I'd love to see more of your poems.

[PhoenixStarr]

It's not bad. I have to see more before I address critique on your style though...

[Cielina]

Oh, with the first poem, the baby's skin is blue because is died of hypothermia. Sorry, I thought that was obvious - I need to work on being subtle but still clear at the same time.

Anyway, here's another poem I wrote randomly.

Her Shipwreck

Gritted grains between toes
Aching of memories
Soft sand, warm and fresh
Under broad sunsets their magic is spun
In and out,
As water’s lips lilt along the cliff edge

Song, shrill, breaks through the sides,
As fog binds her eyes,
Shells cracking into shatters
And shards, twist into ankles,
In and out,
She sinks beneath the seas of never-neverland.

Submerged her feet twirl,
Dance under liquid honey, smooth, sweet
Roses, swaying, in bloom,
And scattered suns glimmer,
In and out;
In eternal summers’ gloom.

This post has been edited by Cielina: 14 June 2009 - 02:48 PM

[Blazing Elf]

Not to bad but then again this is my first time doing this.

[Cielina]

Wow, hasn't it been a while. The poem above wasn't supposed to mean anything in particular by the way, it was more of me messing around with rhythm. I got bored again so wrote a poem ^_^.

Feet

Crumpled in twos
Holey trainer shoes
Trudge through slime, the city slurry.
They crawl and slither
Their bunions wither
Along the chipped polyester floor.

Did we think to edge
Through the privet hedge?
Those barbed gates of thorns,
Sly smiles and crisp lawns
And open the new French windows?

Did we think to shatter
With a sledgehammer?
Those “angst-ridden” dreams,
Of “imperfection” and “non-prom queens”
And swathes of plastic?

Bare feet, dirty, frightfully unclean
Burst through frigid reality,
Whilst we slurp our anaesthetic machine,
Trample our heavenly delusions.

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The last line doesn't fit any particular rhyme scheme deliberately. I hope it doesn't sound too angsty, and I suck at showing anger without being angsty. Make what you want of it. I was tempted to call it Suburbia, because that overtook it a little.

This post has been edited by Cielina: 25 October 2009 - 04:39 PM

[potter573]

You do have quality. The last two had a good bit of poetic expression. Your rhyme seems effortless.

And it doesn't seem too 'angsty' at all.

A bit of advice : words such as 'trainer shoes' give the impression that you are not serious. IMO

[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

Didn't understand the first one, 'Feet' was nice, although the starting put me off a bit.
But 'Her Shipwreck' was awesomel! Really liked that one, the descriptions are beautiful

And you must be good if it's really as effortless as you make it seem!

This post has been edited by SnapeandMurtagh ROCK: 29 October 2009 - 03:31 AM