[MercenaryMan]

Hey guys. This is a story about Harry Potter's kids' adventures at Hogwarts. Hope you like it.


Chapter 1: Arrival

Albus stared out the window of the train. It was moving pretty fast, and he figured he would be arriving at Hogwarts in about an hour or so. As it was his first time going to Hogwarts, Albus was extremely nervous. He had never been away from his mother or his father, and he was unsure of what house he would be put into. He was also afraid of his social skills. They had never been very good, and he had always had trouble making friends.

"It'll be fine, little brother." James said from across the carriage. James had always been a good brother, he supported Albus throughout the years, and had comforted him in time of need. "Act like this is another time of going to see uncle Dudley and his annoying little brats." He let out a small chuckle.

"What's it like, James?"
"Huh?" James replied.
"Hogwarts. What's it like?"
"It's an amazing place. There's living portraits, harmless ghosts, moving stairs, and magical ceilings that can make it seem like it's snowing, or raining, or whatever the headmaster wants it to be."
"That's amazing." Albus replied.
"I know."

Albus stared out the window for a little while longer. Then he heard someone knock on the window of their carriage. Standing in the doorway was a small girl, about his age, with long red hair. She had green eyes, and was sporting a green hoodie and jeans. She looks a lot like mum looked like in her First Year, He thought to himself.

"Albus Potter?"
"Yes, that would be me."
"Hi, I'm Rose. Rose Weasley. My mum and dad have told a me a whole lot about your dad. I think what he did was the bravest thing i have ever heard of someone doing. He saved the whole wizarding world."
"Thanks, but he wouldn't have been able to do it without the help of your mum and dad."
"Oh, thank you. Do you mind if i take a seat?
"No, not at all."
"Thanks. So what house do you want to get sorted into?"
"I'm hoping for Gryffindor. If not then Hufflepuff. But I'm afraid i might get sorted into Slytherin."
"Oh, I'm sure you won't. I'm hoping for Gryffindor as well. My mum and dad have told me a lot about the school. Beware of the Forbidden Forest. I've heard there's some pretty nasty creatures in there."
"Like what?"
"I've heard there's Centaurs, and Unicorns as well. I'm sure there's other things in there."

James finally spoke up.
"Bowtruckles, too. And I've heard of a Giant in there named Grawp. But I'm not sure of the truth of that rumor though."

"Oh, that sure is interesting." Rose replied. "Well, I'm going to go put my robes on. I'll see you when we get off."

Rose walked out of the cabin in the train. As she walked off, James spoke. "She seems kind of odd. Oh well."

Over the next twenty minutes, Albus put on his robes, and then bought a drink off the trolley. After those twenty minutes, the train reached Hogwarts. Albus's hands were shaking. He was extremely nervous.
___________________________________________________________________________

Alright guys. Hope you liked it. Sorry it's so rushed, I am really tired. It won't be like that in the next chapters.

[Pixel]

I'm not quite sure, but at the end of the Deathly Hallows, weren't all the kids being brought to the train station together? It was all in the same scene, and I'm quite sure Rose Weasley and Albus Potter would have already met.

[MercenaryMan]

I thought that it said that they had just seen each other... I'm not sure, I haven't read the book in a while.

[Lord Murphy]

It seems pretty good. I am not going to rate it yet, but I will definatly follow it if you update.

[MercenaryMan]

Hey guys. Got bored, so i wrote the second chapter.

Chapter 2: The Sorting Hat

Albus stepped outside of the train. Rose was to his left, and James was standing beside him. The night sky was very dark, darker than usual. Seeing as how there was not a star in the sky for some reason, there obviously was not going to be much light. There were several trees outside of the train, most of which were an off-orange color, which was odd, seeing as how the trees don't change color until late October.

Albus saw six carriages awaiting the children on the train, but before he saw anything, he noticed a large man standing in his, Rose's, and James' way.
"Well I'll be!" the man said. "The sons and daughter o' my great friends Harry, Ron, and Hermione!"

Albus was very quiet. he knew not who this man was, or where he came from.
"Umm... Yes..." Albus said quickly.
"Oh my, I have not properly introduced myself. My name is Rubeus Hagrid, or just Hagrid for short. Yer parents were good friends of mine during their times here at Hogwarts. Perhaps ye should come have tea with me sometime in my hut."
"Okay. Sure." Rose blurted out before Albus or James could say anything.
"Wonderful. Well, just hop on one of the boats, and it'll take you right to the front gate, where one of the professors will escort yeh inside. Have fun, guys."
"We sure will."

Over the next twenty minutes, the boats took the trio to the front gate of Hogwarts. The school was unlike nothing Albus had ever seen. It was huge, with several buildings branching off of the main structure. Waiting at the gate was a tall, slender man with black hair, wearing a plad shirt mixed of orange and purple colors, as well as a tan pair of pants. He had glasses as well.

"Hello, children." The man said. "My name is Falco Ackerley, but you shall call me Professor Ackerley. I will be your Potions teacher this year. If you would so kindly do so, could all First Years form a line behind me? All else should enter the Great Hall, and sit at your respective house tables."

The First Years formed a line behind Professor Ackerley, and all the other students entered the large wooden doors of the school.

"Okay, so this is how it's going to work." Professor Ackerley said. "When we enter the school, we will enter through a set of large wooden doors into the Great Hall. Then, you will sit at a table set up specifically for First years. The Headmistress will say a few words, and then you will be called up in random order, to be sorted into your respective houses. Got it?"

All the First Year students nodded their heads accordingly.

"Okay, let's go then!" he yelled.

All the students walked in a single-file line behind the professor. After about three minutes or so, they arrived at the great big doors leading into the Great Hall. "Alohomora" Professor Ackerley whispered under his breath. Albus heard three big locks click, and the doors swung open, revealing the Great Hall. Sitting at the front of the room was a table fit for just forty. In front of that was a chair with a black, tattered wizarding cap in it. Albus and Rose followed the Professor, and they sat down at the table.

An older woman stood up out of her seat.

"Unfortunately, the Headmistress has been hung up at the Ministry, and i will be taking over her duties as headmistress for now. My name is Professor McGonagall. I teach Transfiguration. I used to be the Headmistress, until i retired."

Over the next half hour, Professor McGonagall recited a large speech explaining the rules and details about the school. It was an extremely boring speech, but necessary nonetheless.

"...And without further adieu, let us sort the First Years. First up is Henry Slughorn."

Up stood a small, fragile child. He had blond hair, but it was not very visible in the light. He sat down in the chair, and Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head. The hat immediately screamed "HUFFLEPUFF!" as loud as ever, and Henry flew right off the chair. He stood up, brushed himself off, and then walked over the Hufflepuff table.

The Hufflepuff table roared in applause, while all the others clapped quietly. Over the next twenty minutes, five other people were called. Two were sorted into Gryffindor, two into Slytherin, and one more into Hufflepuff. Interestingly, no one had been called into Ravenclaw yet. Then, the moment he and Rose had been waiting for: Professor McGonagall called Rose's name.

Rose walked up to the chair, and Professor McGonagall placed the hat atop her head.

"Hmm... this is a tough one." the hat said. "Very smart. Just like your mother. Possibility for great things. I'm debating between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. Which would you like, little girl?

Albus realized that Rose was unsure what to say. then he heard her speak in a very soft voice.

"We-well, my mum was in Gryffindor. I've heard great things about it. But I have also heard great things about Ravenclaw, so whichever you choose i will be happy with."
"So be it. Ravenclaw!" the Hat shouted.

Rose stood up and walked towards the Ravenclaw table. She took a seat at the end of the table.
Then, Professor McGonagall stood up. "Next up is Albus Potter." she said. Albus stood up out of his seat, shaking, and he sat down in the chair.

"Nervous, i see, Potter?" the hat said. "No matter. Most are nervous when coming up here. You have a lot of courage. Also destined for great things, just like your cousin, who i just sorted into Ravenclaw. You've got quite a mind on you. Just like your father, as well as your mother. they were both wonderful magicians while they were here. You're tougher than your cousin to sort. You're destined for great things academically, Potter, and although i hate to break tradition of families sticking together, I'm going to have to sort you into Ravenclaw."

Professor McGonagall lifted the hat off of Albus, and although disappointed, he was happy to be in the same house as his cousin Rose. Albus walked over to the Ravenclaw table, and sat down next to Rose.

This post has been edited by MercenaryMan: 02 June 2009 - 02:08 PM

[Roarscream]

Well-done, pretty straight forward

Your prose is good, but nothing seems to stick out to me. You've definately got the basics down but you could make it more interesting by making more illustrative descriptions. Still, like I said you've got the storyline down and its flowing well, so that's the most important thing.

I also like how you chose to make a few twists such as having them in Ravenclaw instead of Gryffindor, as well as choosing to do a story about Albus and Rose instead of the classic figures. I think it will give you a lot more freedom down the road in writing this.

[Palagrin]

I read the first update, but somehow, the speech doesn't seem to flow that well- it's quite unnatural and stiff.

"Albus Potter?"
"Yes, that would be me."
"Hi, I'm Rose. Rose Weasley. My mum and dad have told a me a whole lot about your dad. I think what he did was the bravest thing i have ever heard of someone doing. He saved the whole wizarding world."
"Thanks, but he wouldn't have been able to do it without the help of your mum and dad."
"Oh, thank you. Do you mind if i take a seat?
"No, not at all."
"Thanks. So what house do you want to get sorted into?"
"I'm hoping for Gryffindor. If not then Hufflepuff. But I'm afraid i might get sorted into Slytherin."
"Oh, I'm sure you won't. I'm hoping for Gryffindor as well. My mum and dad have told me a lot about the school. Beware of the Forbidden Forest. I've heard there's some pretty nasty creatures in there."
"Like what?"
"I've heard there's Centaurs, and Unicorns as well. I'm sure there's other things in there."

This bit in particular.

[MercenaryMan]

I read the first update, but somehow, the speech doesn't seem to flow that well- it's quite unnatural and stiff.

"Albus Potter?"
"Yes, that would be me."
"Hi, I'm Rose. Rose Weasley. My mum and dad have told a me a whole lot about your dad. I think what he did was the bravest thing i have ever heard of someone doing. He saved the whole wizarding world."
"Thanks, but he wouldn't have been able to do it without the help of your mum and dad."
"Oh, thank you. Do you mind if i take a seat?
"No, not at all."
"Thanks. So what house do you want to get sorted into?"
"I'm hoping for Gryffindor. If not then Hufflepuff. But I'm afraid i might get sorted into Slytherin."
"Oh, I'm sure you won't. I'm hoping for Gryffindor as well. My mum and dad have told me a lot about the school. Beware of the Forbidden Forest. I've heard there's some pretty nasty creatures in there."
"Like what?"
"I've heard there's Centaurs, and Unicorns as well. I'm sure there's other things in there."

This bit in particular.

Yeah, that bit in particular was tough for me. I sat there for about twenty minutes at the least trying to find a way to enter their dialogue, between Albus and Rose, but i couldn't get it right, everything i tried sounded weird. I had a general idea of what i wanted to get to, but i had A TON of trouble getting it to sound right. Eventually i just gave up, but once i get an idea on how to fix it i will. Thanks for the criticism guys, I plan to have the third chapter up by tomorrow at the latest.

[Palagrin]

What about rose chatting to someone before, and albus cuts in and it carries on from there?

[Pixel]

Pretty good chapter! Just a few things.

The night sky was very dark, darker than usual. Seeing as how there was not a star in the sky for some reason, it was obviously going to be dark.

I think you used dark here too many times. Maybe you should reword the last part so it says, "...there obviously wouldn't be much light out." But what about the moon? Was the moon out?

"Well I'll be!" the man said. "The sons and daughter of my great friends Harry, Ron, and Hermione!"

I wish Hagrid's accent came out more obviously in his very first line, and in general in everything he says. Actually, if you check Google, there are a lot of sites that help you with writing his accent. His accent is what everyone will recognize, so I hope it's not left out!

Over the next twenty minutes, the carriage took the trio to the front gate of Hogwarts.

I think first years would be riding those boats to school. Or maybe that's just something the movies did.

Up stood a small, fragile child. He had blond hair, but it was not very visible in the light. He sat down in the chair, and Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head.

Oh! This is a good place to try and write more like J.K. Rowling. Or add some humor or something...I don't know if that's what your aiming for, but either way....You could add something about how he looked so very fragile that the slightest wind would just brush him off the chair. Or you could make it funny by saying that when the hat is put on his head, it immediately yells his house without another thought, and it frightens him so badly that he falls off. Heh, my imagination is sort of working overtime at the moment. I don't mean to change around everything so much.

Anyways, good story! I'm interested in where the real Headmistress is, and what she is like. I hope theres more!

[Palagrin]

I think first years would be riding those boats to school. Or maybe that's just something the movies did.

No, in the books too.

[MercenaryMan]

Pretty good chapter! Just a few things.

The night sky was very dark, darker than usual. Seeing as how there was not a star in the sky for some reason, it was obviously going to be dark.

I think you used dark here too many times. Maybe you should reword the last part so it says, "...there obviously wouldn't be much light out." But what about the moon? Was the moon out?

"Well I'll be!" the man said. "The sons and daughter of my great friends Harry, Ron, and Hermione!"

I wish Hagrid's accent came out more obviously in his very first line, and in general in everything he says. Actually, if you check Google, there are a lot of sites that help you with writing his accent. His accent is what everyone will recognize, so I hope it's not left out!

Over the next twenty minutes, the carriage took the trio to the front gate of Hogwarts.

I think first years would be riding those boats to school. Or maybe that's just something the movies did.

Up stood a small, fragile child. He had blond hair, but it was not very visible in the light. He sat down in the chair, and Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head.

Oh! This is a good place to try and write more like J.K. Rowling. Or add some humor or something...I don't know if that's what your aiming for, but either way....You could add something about how he looked so very fragile that the slightest wind would just brush him off the chair. Or you could make it funny by saying that when the hat is put on his head, it immediately yells his house without another thought, and it frightens him so badly that he falls off. Heh, my imagination is sort of working overtime at the moment. I don't mean to change around everything so much.

Anyways, good story! I'm interested in where the real Headmistress is, and what she is like. I hope theres more!

Thank you for the criticism! I really overlooked some of the things that are inconsistent with the books. I'll have a revision of this chapter as well as a new chapter up tonight, that's a maybe though.

[Hold Your Peace]

Im liking this


I was certain they were all going to end up in Gryffindor, but Ravenclaw it was, nice twist. All the errors have already been pointed out, so I have nothing more to say but keep on going!



Thorn Pwns



p.s. Can you please make a teacher that Albus, Rose and James despise like Harry Ron and Hermonie despised Snape?

[MercenaryMan]

Hey guys. Alright, if i get two more comments from different people, then i will post the new chapter tonight. if not, I will post it tomorrow when i get home.

[Lord Murphy]

Sorry I did not comment. I forgot about this. I thought that the second chapter was very nice. I think a lot of people would want to see what happens in the HP world and you are doing a good story on it. Keep it up.