[Pompoon]

Dont have a name for this one

the anger
it builds
consuming me
controlling my thoughts
my feelings shaping my actions
as if i were a puppet
my anger the master
dictating me
the dispair
devours my life
destroying any shred
of hope i have left
it all dissapears
and now it is too late
i am nothing
nothing but my
rage
nothing but my
dispair
it has taken me over
and so
i give in to it
i can do
nothing else
there are n
no other options
left to me
no other routes
for me to take
im at my breaking point
now all i need
is a little push
to tip me
over my edge

Remorse

what can i do
what shall i do
with this pain
this rage
should i just
forgive
should i just
forget
can i?
can i forgive and forget?
or rather
do i want to
its easier for now
just to hold on
let it feed
and grow
let the anger
be built up
little by little
until
i, at long last
break loose
i snap
just let it all go
i snap
past the edge
but then
after the moment
such a short moment
i walk through
the aftermath
of the ruins of my rage
and look at
all the aorrow
all the pain and suffering
that i caused
that i brought about
to those that
i care for
for those
i dont even know
they all have one
thing in common
they have been hurt
by me
and now it looks
like all i have left
is remorse
for the pain
for the sorrow
that i have brought
no more rage
a different kind of pain
remorse
regret
i wish i could go back
but i cant
and for some strange reason
that i just cant grasp
those ive hurt
still stand nehind me
supporting me
with whatever happens
supporting me
backing me
with whatever happens next
i can rest assured
that they are here
i am safe

Numb

the anger builds
little by little
it grows
but it seems to me
the same anger
that just keeps growing
gets misplaced
pushed onto those
who did not deserve it
and then that anger
that has been feeding
burns out
gives way
for something
far worse
the dispair
the hoplesness
the depression
i start to feel
all of these
ive gone numb
ive gone cold
inside and out
im weak
to weak to feel
anything at all
no more anger
no more dispair
no more hoplesness
no more depression
im too tired to go on
ive gone numb

That Night

as I lay here
beneath these stars
my thoughts drift
away to my memories
of when I met you
of when I first saw you smile
of when you first laughed at my jokes
of when I gave you that rose
of that one night
of that one place
by the river
when I realized
just how I feel
that I wanted
to make you laugh
to make you feel good
to take away your pain
to hold you when you cry
to protect you
whatever you may face
that night
shines so clear
out of all my memories
I find myself
thinking of that one
more thatn the rest
that one night
I spent with you
that night

I Wish

I'm wishing for so many things
mostly just to be happy with her
I wish to make her smile
I wish to bring her joy
I wish to find love
I wish that I wouldn't hurt so many
and cause countless pains
I wish I could right
all these wrongs I've done
I wish not for material things
but for something more
For now, these wishes
may not come true
but I will try my best
and work my hardest
to make my wishes
come to life

Falling

hes falling now
too hard too fast
all he can say is wow
she will be his last
into the deep
hes falling for her
if she left, he'd weep
the cold would make him shiver
but for now shes here
hes holding onto hope
that she'll always be near
maybe someday they'll elope
maybe someday she'll be his wife
she'll always be in his life
as he lays down to sleep
thoughts begin to creep
I love her, he thinks
only of her, he dreams
but in a wink
he begins to scream
for now, shes gone
whered she go
its been so long
but thats the way the wind blows
so now he must walk
away from his girl
no more do they talk
she changed his world
never will he be the same
no longer will he bear her shame
no longer does he play her game
no more ceaseless pain
he is happy on his own
no longer does he shout
his path has been shown
for now hes falling out

Struggles

the struggles I face
chip away at my soul
can't find my place
sinking into my hole
in the neverending night
my life I look back upon
a series of battles, nothing but fights
it all seems to drag on
I wash away my sorrow
I have no regrets
I look for tomorrow
as I take my bets
on what the future has in store
I may find love, I may find pain
in a boat, I drift from the shore
down this broken road
I'm struggling on
I'll lighten the load
make way for dawn...

The Pain Of Waiting

I look at you
and tell you how I feel
I feel like a fool
as I break the seal
you say you are undecided
I try not to press
your feelings are devided
I feel so blessed
just to stay friends
though I long for more
you say it depends
the pain if you walked out that door
would be so excruciating
but for now your here
much worse than waiting
your always so near
you liked him then
if he had just said when
you say not anymore I don't
stabbed in the back
by my own flesh and blood
my thoughts turn black
hurts flow like a flood
the fury so strong
I tried to cause pain
but in the end only I was to blame
now I feel no more rage
as I try to fix what I've wrought
the beast is back in his cage
realizing what anger brought
now your sitting here
and were talking about us
it just isn't fair
but I will do what I must...

This post has been edited by pityonmurtagh: 14 September 2009 - 02:32 AM

[Arcane]

You write well>> But try making the lines longer, as group two together... The rhyme scheme is off and on... Try picking one of the two style's i.e. write either prose>>no rhyme scheme<< or poems with a rhyme scheme.... Give it a proper heading and post one poem at a time... that way more people will read your poetry>>

This post has been edited by Arcane: 06 June 2009 - 02:56 AM

[Pompoon]

You write well>> But try making the lines longer, as group two together... The rhyme scheme is off and on... Try picking one of the two style's i.e. write either prose>>no rhyme scheme<< or poems with a rhyme scheme.... Give it a proper heading and post one poem at a time... that way more people will read your poetry>>

Thanks. I started off writing rhyming, but as I got into deeper emotional content, freeverse was much more natural for me.

[Lord Raglan]

I liked these, and I think it's pretty cool that your style is basically the same with each one. I thought you described everything about the particular feelings of the poem very well.

[gabriella]

WHEW, alright, try posting one poem at a time to make critc easier, bud . So im going to try my best to help you out here.
And heres how its going to work, I figured each seperation in between those free verses were individual poems, right? So im going to simply name them and then give the positives the negatives and what you can do to improve. And im going to start with two of your poems. Since there are so many. ill be back later about the others.

Ok so poem #1 NoName.

Negatives:

the dispair

You should probably edit your post, and change that quickly, its spelled despair, no biggy small mistake. Emotions are great subjects to poetry and I like reading what ways people see emotions as. Your work is strong and embracing on this, anger, on the turmoil of the subject. It is very well written.

there are n
no other options

< I have a pet peeve of small mistakes that just throw people off your flow when they are reading your poem....this could make the whole poem seem, blah. Trust me its true. That extra n is useless.

my feelingsshaping my actions

< haha, same thing bud, quick fix is all.

Proper grammar is priority in poetry. It takes away from your poem when you dont capitalize your i's...

Positives:
I like the imagery you portraited here with the emotion of anger. Its well explained. Emotions are great poetry subjects, and I think you have a talent with it. It was strong, powerful and it jept my attention to the turmoil of this being...I was waiting for him to snap, you know? It really did keep me reading. Great JoB!



To improve:

You know you can ask anyone who reads my poems, Im anal about flow. Hah, sure that sounds ridiculous when I say it, but its true. I believe that flow is the essence of a well and succeeded poem. Now to help flow there are alot of elements involved. Rhyming, Capitalization, verses, Patterns, Syllable count, and Punctuation of course. Of course your poem does not have all these, its a free verse. To improve this poem though, I believe you should really add some punctuation to help the flow of the poem. Just for an example.

Before......

i am nothing
nothing but my
rage
nothing but my
dispair
it has taken me over
and so
i give in to it
i can do
nothing else

AFTER

I am nothing,
nothing but my
rage,
nothing but my
dispair.
It has taken me over
and so...
I give in to it.
I can do
nothing else...

Do you see how much better it looks...and it sort of adds a kind of extra emotion to it..... Try it out on futur poems!


Remorse!!! (Oulalalala. Anotherr emotion . aha. Imma retard. )

Negatives:

still stand nehind me

< .mhmmm. you know what I think of this. You know what to do

all the aorrow

< mhm.

Once again, the capitals, the punctuation. Were missing out here. The potentiel isnt being fully reached because of this ^^


[quote]backing me[quote] < For some odd reason this line sort of halted my thoughts and images of the poem. And this line seems crooked. Backing me, doesn not sounds grammatically correct, maybe Backing me up?....It needs to be fixed to FLOW better

Other than that, there arent many other negatives(WOOT) in this one.


Positive:

This was a great poem on remorse. Very well written. And I LOVED the part where you kept repeating "I snap" wonderful!!
And once again, your imagery was great. As I was reading, I saw war. I had this whole landscape in my head, and you truly brought me somewhere else. EXCELLENT


To improve :

Well, im stumped, bud. This one seems great, other than adding the punctuation and capitols. GREAT JOB!!! Ill be back for more critic

This post has been edited by gabriella: 25 June 2009 - 01:26 PM