[Chris99]

(Set in May 2022, 15 years -and a month- after the end of Breaking Dawn)

Chapter 1: Peace of mind – part 1

As I was lying flat on my back in the familiar meadow, I absently watched the atypically bright afternoon sky, noting the shapes of the relatively few clouds, deep in thought.

Every time I wanted to ponder something or simply relax, I would resort to this place.

I didn't at all mind that I needed to come all the way from Denali, nor that I had to face the elements of nature, namely the chilling wind and torrential rains, the latter of which occurred in almost half of my visits here – after all, Alaska was colder. I might not have the tolerance that the other members of my family had to cold, but I could ignore the stabs of pain and the numbing sensation it brought without worrying about getting ill, since my organism -regardless of my ability to resist Forks's extreme weather conditions- was several orders of magnitude more durable and powerful than a normal human's, as was my immune system.

After all, I wasn't a normal human. Heck, not even a human; not entirely, I thought, which swiftly returned me to my previous thoughts. It's about time I stopped thinking about the weather, of all things, too, my more cynical self added internally as I shifted the subject of my thoughts.

Shortly after I went back to brooding over my half-breed status, another thing came to my mind: the dreaded reason why I sometimes felt like I was mentally challenged when with my vampire family.

It was not intelligence, no, since I was without a doubt smarter than the majority of vampires (and pretty much any human); memory was the mental skill which I was lacking in, compared to them. This didn't go to say that if faced with a challenge such as that of a college, I would return with anything short of flawless marks after each and every term. But I would need considerably more effort to achieve that than even the newest and least knowledgeable vampire of my family, which would be my – which would be Bella.

Well, at least I have superhuman abilities, and even two supernatural abilities which, to the best of my knowledge, are a unique combination...

With that, I jumped up without the slightest aid from my hands -only using my abdominal muscles- and landed flawlessly on my feet, aiming to quickly snap out of my gloomy mood and get away from these annoying thoughts. A couple of birds stationed on a tree at the edge of the meadow, a few yards away from me, were startled by my motion and quickly flapped away, sending a mild burning sensation down my throat as I breathed in.

Their blood might not smell quite as well as humans' does, but it is not in the slightest bit repulsive. To me, that is.

I closed my eyes then and started listening for the sounds of the wildlife around me.

My senses were yet another thing that set me apart; another thing that gave me an advantage in comparison to humans, but made me feel inferior in my exchanges with vampires and werewolves. Nearly every shout that had ever echoed through the Cullen mansion here or Tanya's manor in Denali had been purely for my sake, since everyone else could easily hear anything but the faintest of whispers if they were inside or near the building. Similarly, if the birds I had just seen were just a little bit further away, the flapping would not have been enough for me to smell them.

But I didn't really mind; there was a fair number of vampires out there, but how many creatures like me? Not to mention the fact that I had a hope to get rid of most of these disadvantages.

Finally succeeding in expelling my demons, I checked carefully if there were any humans in the area, then broke into a light jog approximately equal to a horse's galloping in speed, heading north. I would visit Charlie and Sue and... Billy another time.

Not much more than a mile into the forest, Leah and Embry were stationed among the trees in their wolf form, watching over me. The reason they kept their distance was because I had insisted for them to do so several times in the past; now they knew what to do, so I didn't need to instruct them any longer.

I preferred going alone, but the pack considered it their duty to "keep an eye on you", as they put it.

They could not understand why I traveled such a long distance on foot, nor could Edward, who kept on insisting that I take one of his cars every time I set out on such a trip, but this did make it easier for them to tag along.

Silently, they followed a few feet behind me, positioned on either of my sides. I needed all of my willpower to keep from wrinkling my nose as the wet-dog smell registered with my nostrils.

...All thoughts muffled by the pure exhilaration of running, I kept on going without slowing, without paying any heed to the fatigue steadily building up in my body.

This post has been edited by Chris99: 13 June 2009 - 01:54 PM

[J The Great]

Hmmm I think Rensmee would be able to hear everything in the Cullen mansion as Bella could hear to the highway which is a good mile or two down the lane and I would put midway between h and v at well past the river that B and E jumped over in breaking dawn which is through a wall and a couple good football fields away. memory okay crystal clear v and rough h well that wold definitely be enough to get a at least 3.9 in college with minimal evert as vampires can think about many different topics at once so she would not get distracted she would think about both the work and what ever else also she can wright a paragraph in 10 sec flat which I could do if I had inhuman speed if you do not think that she could think up the paragraph in 10 sec also her memory its self would probably be near photographic if not photographic.


Just a few issues i had on stats but good writing.Need a larger sample to judge the story though.

This post has been edited by J The Great: 13 June 2009 - 02:44 PM

[Chris99]

Who said this is Renesmee?

The character has some difficulty memorizing things. Not as much as us humans, but nothing like vampires nonetheless. Though if he/she manages to memorize something, he/she will be able to recall it within split seconds, and write entire pages in seconds.

BTW, I want you (the readers) to utterly bash any flaws you find; slaughter my story.
IF may not have the C-level system anymore, but by all means, act as if the level were something like... C-500 or something (yes, I am aware that 6 was the limit, but you get what I mean).

Of course, I need constructive critisism. Example: "You have your character give us too much information on his/her abilities in just one chapter, it seems quite unrealistic" or "You use the word 'thought(s)' too much", or at least "in this quote and that quote, you've made a/some grammatical/typographic/spelling/consistency/whatever mistake(s)".
(Thanks for reading my chapter and pointing out a supposed consistency fault J The Great, but you were quick to jump to conclusions. )



...Another thing. Does anyone know how the muscles of the back are called? (Belly muscles: abdominals, back muscles...?)

Edit: Here's the chapter 1 in full.

This post has been edited by Chris99: 14 June 2009 - 08:21 AM

[Chris99]

Chapter 1: Peace of mind

As I was lying flat on my back in the familiar meadow, I absently watched the atypically bright afternoon sky, noting the shapes of the relatively few clouds, deep in thought.

Every time I wanted to ponder something or simply relax, I would resort to this place.

I didn’t at all mind that I needed to come all the way from Denali, nor that I had to face the elements of nature, namely the chilling wind and torrential rains, the latter of which occurred in almost half of my visits here – after all, Alaska was colder. I might not have the tolerance that the other members of my family had to cold, but I could ignore the stabs of pain and the numbing sensation it brought without worrying about getting ill, since my organism -regardless of my ability to resist Forks’s extreme weather conditions- was several orders of magnitude more durable and powerful than a normal human’s, as was my immune system.

After all, I wasn’t a normal human. Heck, not even a human; not entirely, I thought, which swiftly returned me to my previous thoughts. It’s about time I stopped thinking about the weather, of all things, too, my more cynical self added internally as I shifted the subject of my thoughts.

Shortly after I went back to brooding over my half-breed status, another thing came to my mind: the dreaded reason why I sometimes felt like I was mentally challenged when with my vampire family.

It was not intelligence, no, since I was without a doubt smarter than the majority of vampires (and pretty much any human); memory was the mental skill which I was lacking in, compared to them. This didn’t go to say that if faced with a challenge such as that of a college, I would return with anything short of flawless marks after each and every term. But I would need considerably more effort to achieve that than even the newest and least knowledgeable vampire of my family, which would be my – which would be Bella.

Well, at least I have superhuman abilities, and even two supernatural abilities which, to the best of my knowledge, are a unique combination...

With that, I jumped up without the slightest aid from my hands -only using my abdominal muscles- and landed flawlessly on my feet, aiming to quickly snap out of my gloomy mood and get away from these annoying thoughts. A couple of birds stationed on a tree at the edge of the meadow, a few yards away from me, were startled by my motion and quickly flapped away, sending a mild burning sensation down my throat as I breathed in.

Their blood might not smell quite as well as humans’ does, but it is not in the slightest bit repulsive. To me, that is.

I closed my eyes then and started listening for the sounds of the wildlife around me.

My senses were yet another thing that set me apart; another thing that gave me an advantage in comparison to humans, but made me feel inferior in my exchanges with vampires and werewolves. Nearly every shout that had ever echoed through the Cullen mansion here or Tanya’s manor in Denali had been purely for my sake, since everyone else could easily hear anything but the faintest of whispers if they were inside or near the building. Similarly, if the birds I had just seen were just a little bit further away, the flapping would not have been enough for me to smell them.

But I didn’t really mind; there was a fair number of vampires out there, but how many creatures like me? Not to mention the fact that I had a hope to get rid of most of these disadvantages.

Finally succeeding in expelling my demons, I checked carefully if there were any humans in the area, then broke into a light jog approximately equal to a horse’s galloping in speed, heading north. I would visit Charlie and Sue and... Billy another time.

Not much more than a mile into the forest, Leah and Embry were stationed among the trees in their wolf form, watching over me. The reason they kept their distance was because I had insisted for them to do so several times in the past; now they knew what to do, so I didn't have to instruct them any longer.

I preferred going alone, but the pack considered it their duty to “keep an eye on you”, as they put it.

Silently, they followed a few feet behind me, positioned on either of my sides. I needed all of my willpower to keep from wrinkling my nose as the wet-dog smell registered with my nostrils.

They could not understand why I traveled such a long distance on foot, nor could Edward, who kept on insisting that I take one of his cars every time I set out on such a trip, but this did make it easier for them to tag along.

...All thoughts muffled by the pure exhilaration of running, I kept on going without slowing, without paying any heed to the fatigue steadily building up in my body.

– – – – –

Embry and myself were seated by a table at a cozy cafė, in a Canadian town whose name I did not care to memorize.

He didn’t seem at all affected by the hours of running, and I envied him for that. On the other hand, I was sweaty all over my body and had had to wipe my forehead several times. I was also quite thirsty, despite the blood I had leached off the animal I had eaten raw not much more than an hour before. Fortunately, a cold coffee was enough to quench my thirst.

At the moment, Embry was distracted, staring at a fairly good-looking waitress. She noticed that swiftly, although he didn’t know that.

Nice, I think that the handsome guy is looking at me, she thought, a picture of Embry in her head. But I won’t be able to talk to him in private here, in front of his kid brother. Maybe I should just give him my number. So, I have to find a way to do so in secret. Hmmmm...

I tuned her out then, got up, stretched on my toes to put my hand on Embry’s shoulder and spoke, without moving my lips, in a whisper that no mortal would be able to hear, even in the current two-foot distance between my mouth and Embry’s ear: “I think that the waitress wants to tell you something; lucky you”. Then I added, loud enough for even her to hear, “I need to go to the toilet. I think it’ll take me very long, can you wait?” and tried to suppress a smirk.

Without waiting for a response but almost being able to see Embry’s cheeks turn darker, I made my way for the men’s restroom, trying to maintain a normal pace.

– – – – –

“Well, how’d it go? Did you get that girl’s number?”, I asked Embry as we were running alongside Leah, both of them in their wolf forms. Of course, I already knew the answer to my question, but the look in his animalistic face as soon as I brought up this particular topic was priceless, not to mention the fact that a rare expression of merriment showed up in Leah’s face.

After some ribbing from both Leah and myself, hers in the form of exchanged thoughts and mine spoken out loud, we all fell silent, each absorbed in their own thoughts; even me, since I could block the others out easily, so I thanked my luck that despite the much smaller range my mind-reading ability had compared to Edward’s, I could control it far better, and almost completely eliminate it at will. Of course, that didn’t mean that I wanted anyone within a mile’s radius from me when meditating.

We kept going for a few more hours, our speed constrained by my fatigue, but we didn’t make any other stops, save for when we found a brook of water and stopped to sate our thirst, allowing me to catch my breath.

At some point, I was finally able to make out Denali’s houses from a distance. By that time, we had assumed a pace slightly lower than that of an average professional endurance racer, so we wouldn’t rouse any suspicions; not that the wolves could do much better than this as humans, though. Leah had picked up some clothes she had left in a forest nearby, and then joined me and Embry, who had phased and put on his shorts much earlier.

I notified the others; they couldn't see anything, since I had much keener eyesight than them when in their human form – the one sense I wasn't lacking in.

At last, home, was my reaction when I saw Denali, while the others entertained similar thoughts when I told them, an edge and something about "bloodsuckers" in Leah’s as always.

This post has been edited by Chris99: 14 June 2009 - 06:43 PM

[J The Great]

It is Rensmee and Jacobs kid?

This post has been edited by J The Great: 17 June 2009 - 02:53 PM

[Chris99]

It is Rensmee and Jacobs kid?

That is correct.

Why hasn't anyone else commented? It makes me wonder whether I should give you the second chapter (which I have planned out on paper already, but have yet to utilize Word).
I want to know people's thoughts on this. Do you think I've given the information about the character's attributes in an unrealistic way? Have you found any mistakes (note that English isn't my first language)?

[MOSES]

I really like your style of writing and how you capture a brooding halflin' but I think the time elapsed is a little off. Renesmee would have hit full maturity around 2014~2015. Then do you really think a spaz like Bella or Edward would give Renesmee and Jacob the blessing to have a child? And even if they had the blessing would Jacob really want to have sex with a girl that's 7 years old but looks 15 or what ever. But even if they did have it right at her 7th or 8th birthday that would make Ephraim only just hiting full maturity and no parent in their right mind would let their child run from Alaska to Washington alone (I don't know if you had the wolves with him from the beginning of the trip) especially if he's only 1/4th vampire.
So I'd say change the dates a little bit, remember they're all immortal time doesn't matter.

This post has been edited by MOSES: 25 June 2009 - 11:20 AM

[DMan423]

Well, according to the other half breed, Nahuel or something like that, he reached full maturity at 7 years old. Full maturity meaning adulthood, not looking like a 15 year old. And you never know what Edward and Bella would approve of. Reneesmee was always very mature, even from a young age. She probably reached adulthood mentally much earlier than physically. Also, we have no idea how the offspring of a shape-shifter and a vampire would age and mature. My point is, your timeline is fine if you think it is, just be sure to explain it later.

Having said all that, I really like your story so far. I think that the story itself is very original and well written. Your writing style also is very good. I like your pacing and character development, and the way you deviate from Meyer's writing style. The spelling and grammatical errors are minimal, and that fact is very impressive considering that English is not your first language.

Having read this first chapter, I'm interested to see where this story will head, and what the main conflict will be. Judging by the way the books ended (Happily Ever after), the conflict will most likely have something to do with the Volturri, or some internal dilemma within the family. I'm just speculating, of course.

Finally, I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but this line jumped out at me, "Not to mention the fact that I had a hope to get rid of most of these disadvantages." Does this mean that he's planning to have someone turn him into a full vampire? That would be interesting.

[J The Great]

I just was thinking wich most people that know me would be thinking oh no.If the guy is a quarter vampire and also inherits all the pluses of being a werewolf because you only nedd one werewolf parent to be a werewolf wouldn't he be like a werewolf on steroids.

[Chris99]

But even if they did have it right at her 7th or 8th birthday that would make Ephraim only just hiting full maturity and no parent in their right mind would let their child run from Alaska to Washington alone (I don't know if you had the wolves with him from the beginning of the trip)

Yes, at least 2 members of the pack go with him for the whole duration of each such journey.
Ephraim actually is barely in his puberty, he grows slower than Nessie and she was long past her full maturity when she had him.

BTW, before you can ask: yes, Edward didn't mind lending him a car, even his prized Vanquish, even when he was physically like an 8-year-old. Ephraim could drive excellently earlier than that, of course.

Finally, I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but this line jumped out at me, "Not to mention the fact that I had a hope to get rid of most of these disadvantages." Does this mean that he's planning to have someone turn him into a full vampire? That would be interesting.

I knew that someone would jump to this conclusion (as I knew that someone would think he was Renesmee if I only uploaded the first part of chapter 1, both effects were intended ). He means his chance at becoming a wolf shapeshifter, though.

I just was thinking wich most people that know me would be thinking oh no.If the guy is a quarter vampire and also inherits all the pluses of being a werewolf because you only nedd one werewolf parent to be a werewolf wouldn't he be like a werewolf on steroids.

Well, he already gets a large part of the newborn vampire boost (increase in strength due to blood present all over his tissues), he is muscular (though quite short) for his age and is going to get three more boosts because the last wolf ancestor is only one generation behind, is an Alpha wolf and the strongest one in the history of the Quileute (these three things will also enhance his reflexes).

So, I believe it isn't exactly a spoiler if I tell you that I don't intend to make him a wolf for a while - he's quite even-tempered anyway, so it will take a lot of time. My reason of course is that such a transformation would make him far too overpowered.

BTW, do you people think his skin should be vampire-hard and his teeth sharp? Note that when he becomes a wolf, it probably will be so late that it won't matter if these make him more powerful, he is just a quarter-vampire at the moment.

Having said all that, I really like your story so far. I think that the story itself is very original and well written. Your writing style also is very good. I like your pacing and character development, and the way you deviate from Meyer's writing style. The spelling and grammatical errors are minimal, and that fact is very impressive considering that English is not your first language.

Thanks for the compliments, and be sure to point out any mistakes you notice.

I'm trying to make him much more intellectual than Bella, since I thought that his high I.Q. and growing up in a house full of super-old (compared to humans) vampires would affect him significantly. Another reason is, of course, that I wanted to write radically different than Meyer, at least in some aspects.

That's why I'm worried about mistakes, since I pushed my knowledge of English to its limits.

This post has been edited by Chris99: 26 June 2009 - 08:33 AM

[DMan423]

Wow. So you're going to make him into a wolf. That was a huge spoiler. As for his physical features, I would think that since both Reneesme and Jacob have sharp teeth, Ephriam would too. As for the skin, Reneesme's is strong, but Jacob's wasn't much tougher than human was it? So I would say make it mid-way between human and vampire. Not weak enough to get hurt by something like a thorn bush or papercuts, but not too strong for a scalpel or sharp sword/ knife.

[Chris99]

Wow. So you're going to make him into a wolf. That was a huge spoiler.

Nope. He's around vampires every day, so there isn't much of a probability for him not to. The spoiler was that it will take a long time.

As for his physical features, I would think that since both Reneesme and Jacob have sharp teeth, Ephriam would too.

As a human, Jacob has normal human teeth (maybe more durable, but I don't think they were sharp). I was referring to how Ephraim is now/in his human form, not as a wolf.

As for the skin, Reneesme's is strong, but Jacob's wasn't much tougher than human was it? So I would say make it mid-way between human and vampire. Not weak enough to get hurt by something like a thorn bush or papercuts, but not too strong for a scalpel or sharp sword/ knife.

I'll think of it.

This post has been edited by Chris99: 26 June 2009 - 08:41 AM

[J The Great]

Question of the day is when he goes wolfy the in his human form will get taller bigger and his muscles will be stronger so even in human form he might be a match for a vampire

[Chris99]

Question of the day is when he goes wolfy the in his human form will get taller bigger and his muscles will be stronger so even in human form he might be a match for a vampire

I've already said too much, you'll have to wait (and yes, I've decided on his abilities).

Edit: sorry about the update taking so long, but I had gotten lazy. I started typing today and am 2 pages into it (in comparison, the whole first chapter was 3 pages in Word, so the second will probably be longer).

This post has been edited by Chris99: 29 June 2009 - 07:37 AM

[J The Great]

Umm is this story still alive?