[Hazuki3]

Ch. 1

The Begining of the End

Eragon

It was the second day since the capture of Fienstar. Eragon was outside Nasuada's tent getting ready for the upcoming war meeting she summoned him to. It was five minutes later that she called him in. To Nasuada's right was Jormundarr and Arya and to her left was Angela the herbalist. Nasuada told Eragon to take a seat. He took a seat and Nasuada began speaking " Eragon Islanzadi told me that you should be there for the burrial of Oromis and Glaedr. What do you think about it?"

Eragon sat there thinking about it when he got an idea. Saphira do you think we should go to Oromis' and Glaedr's Burrial?

I don't know little one this is your decision no one can make it for you.

Alright, Saphira, it's just, I want to go but what if the Varden need us. What if Thorn and Murtagh come out and attack while we are gone. They could kill over half the Varden and mortally wound a lot of them. What if we take that chance and come back and find most of them dead. That is a chance we can't take.

Alright Eragon that is a tough choice but I think you should hurry up and choose so they stop staring at you. She told him while letting loose a jet of saphire fire.

Okay Saphira.

So he looked at them and said "I shall stay here and protect the Varden while we proceed to Belatona."

Eragon felt someone trying to enter his mind and threw up his defensive barrier's. He noticed it was Arya and let her in. "Yes Arya? What do you want?"

"Are you serious about not going to the funeral?"

"Aye, I am."

"Good because that leaves us the chance to go on a mission for Nasuada she planned that this will go this way and knew that if it did we would have the time for this."

"And this is?" Eragon asked.

"You and me going on a solo attack taking Belatona. That way we won't lose men to war."

"But how? You and me cannot overpower the entire city on our own!?"

"Ahh but we can. We have Saphira set Belatona ablaze and the we go in there capture the leader and Destroy it and we won." She explained.

"Alright we can try but i don't think it will be that simple, what if Murtagh and Thorn are there lying in wait for us?

"Then let them you can beat them I know you can."

"It's not like you to be overconfident." Eragon thought with a smirk.

"I am not being overconfident." She told him. "Just sure."

"Alright, alright." Eragon said soothingly.

He then saw her struggle to get her emotionless mask back on. She couldn't so she asked Nasuada if she could be excused and ran out.

"Alright so this meeting is over." Nasuada said, then ran out following Arya.

So with that Eragon stood up and left.
------------------

Arya

Why did I yell like that, she thought. I've not had an outburst like that since i had gotten banished by my mother. She thought back to the mixed feelings that she had shoved to a corner of her mind and sealed of even to herself. In it was the feeling's she had for Eragon. She had hidden them away to not be thought about till the war was over, but she couldn't help but think about them. Then she saw Nasuada coming, the only person she had shared her feeling's with.

"Arya? Are you all right?" Nasuada asked.

"No I am not. I should not have outbursted like that. That was very impolite of me please forgive me." She said.

"Ahh Arya it's about Eragon again isn't it? And tell the truth." She added

"Aye it is about him I cannot help my feelings. I cannot go on the mission with him for fear of distracting him from the war. And now after what had happened at the Agaeti Blodhren, I fear he does not like me anymore than a friend." She told her.

Nasuada looked like she was about to say something when she was cutoff. "Arya you must be as blind as a bat if you think he doesn't like you more than a friend. He just had hidden his love better than you." Said Angela as she came out from nowhere. Arya turned around confused and saw her.

"Why does he hide his emotions though?" asked Nasuada.

"I made him swear to stop pursuing me lest we could not be friends anymore. This was before I knew I loved him." Arya replied.

She then heard a a loud roar and screams of scared people, and looked up and saw Thorn and Murtagh coming towards the Varden incampment in Feinstar. They all raced back to the Varden incampment to see Eragon and Saphira taking flight with Blodhgarm and the elves in tight pursuit.

Arya raced after them.
--------------------------

So how was the real chappy. CC [constructive criticism] needed.

This post has been edited by Hazuki3: 27 January 2010 - 10:38 AM

[Brisingr Shade]

Uh...this isn't the right section. It should probably be moved to the writer's section.

And it was kind of a short chapter, but pretty nice.

[fire ice]

hey, there. The mods are going to kick your butt.
This isn't in the right section.

[Vincent]

Moved to Inheritance Fanfiction.

[Hazuki3]

Oops my bad how do I move it to Fanfiction section? im new

[Brisingr IV]

Vincent moved it for you. One of the powers of an almighty Mods.

Hey i saw a lot of FanFics and decided to try one myself.




To Gil'ead


It had been five days since the capture of Feinstar, and the deaths of their master's Oromis and Glaedr. He remembered how Islanzadi had called for him to come for the burrial of Oromis and Glaedr. (This paragraph wasn't very well written. It would have been better if you had scattered this around th rest of the chapter by giving hints and clues.)



Flashback



"Eragon we want you to come for Oromis and Glaedr's funeral."(Who in the world is talking here? Michael Jackson? Same thing for all the other lines. You can also describe how Islanzadi was speaking to Eragon and where he was. Was he in his tent or near a lake? Was Saphira with him?)

"I know but Nasuada said no because they are afraid that Thorn and Murtagh might attack while I am gone."

"Eragon I shall talk to Nasuada and convince her to let you come. And before you go would you mind Arya coming with you. I want her to be here because Oromis was like a father to her." While Islanzadi said that she started looking like she was worried.

"Aye. She can come with us. Should we tell her or you."

"I shall Eragon."



End of Flashback (Going to Gil ead is a concept used so many times. I, to be honest, am sick of it. But you chose to this and it is your choice but please use you creativity in the coming chapters. Like on the way rather than getting ExA together let that be a gradual process and let something interesting happen. Like they got ambushed in the middle of the night or something.)



"Are you ready to go Arya?"

"Aye. I am Eragon." She said confidently. She had gotten better at flying without throwing up.

"Then hold on." Eragon said with a smirk.

Then Saphira did a barrel roll into a dive. Eragon laughed when Arya started screaming to let her off. Saphira slowed the descent and her and Eragon watched amused as she jumped down and threw up. (Doesn't Saphira talk at all?)

"Why don't we camp here for the night." Eragon said.

"Why?" Arya asked.

"Just because you threw up and now you like if we fly we won't stop in time and i don't feel like getting throwup all over me." Eragon told her.(describe how he felt.)

"Alright then." They then had dinner and went to bed when they heard a strange sound. (Describe the sound. Why did they to bed when they hear it? Needs A LOT of description.)
------------------------------


So how was it. Constructive Criticizm [sp] needed!

I gave you some basics to start off of. Fix them and I can give more. There were also several grammar mistakes but I will not point them out since I am don't have the patience. Description was the main problem though you could use a few more emotions. Good luck with the coming chapters!

This post has been edited by Brisingr IV: 15 June 2009 - 07:50 PM

[BlazingBlade1]

Um.. ok.

I think that everyone has already covered everything, but you need more description.

[Tetrahawk]

Needs much more effort. All the decent writers do at least 2 pages per chapter.

[Hazuki3]

Hey y'all i haven't been on in a while and i just noticed i put up the wrong one... My bad here i'll update the right one later k?
Ok the new 1 is up. please critique. Thanks.

This post has been edited by Hazuki3: 19 June 2009 - 11:19 AM

[The Shadeslayers]

Hi Hazuki3

In comparison to what everyone has said, I actually myself enjoyed readying this. It was good and solid work for a fanfiction on its first page. Youd just need to pick up on description and character emotion but this will come soon with experience.

Don't let the less-than-nice feedback you got get to you, remember, you are new to this and are being compared to writers with experience who are deep into their own fancfictions. Write for yourself and enjoy it; then others will enjoy it too.

TS. your fricai

P.S - Keep writing, this story has alot of potential and so do you

[Hazuki3]

Ok I'm going to try getting in 1 chappy every day but that may not work out so well. but i'll tell you if i can't.peace out

[Brisingr IV]

Alright here is the right one. I put up this stupid one my cuz wrote on accident. They aren't going to Gil'ead.


Ch. 1

Eragon

It was the second day since the capture of Fienstar. Eragon was outside Nasuada's tent getting ready for the upcoming war meeting she summoned him to. It was five minutes later that she called him in. To Nasuada's right was Jormundarr and Arya and to her left was Angela the herbalist. Nasuada told Eragon to take a seat. He took a seat and Nasuada began speaking "Ok. (Not needed.) Eragon, Islanzadi told me that you should be there for the burrial of Oromis and Glaedr. What do you think about it?"

Eragon sat there thinking about it when he got an idea (I think you are neglecting that Sphira is an intelligent creature who should have a voice in the desicion wether Eragon asks her or not.) Saphira do you think we should go to Oromis' and Glaedr's Burrial?

I don't know little one this is your decision no one can make it for you.(Again.)

Alright, Saphira, it's just, I want to go but what if the Varden need us. What if Thorn and Murtagh come out and attack while we are gone. They could kill over half the Varden and mortally wound a lot of them. What if we take that chance and come back and find most of them dead. That is a chance I (we) can't take.

Aye (I don't think Saphira would say aye) Eragon that is a tough choice but I think you should hurry up and choose so they stop staring at you. She told him while letting loose a jet of saphire fire.

Okay, Saphira.

So he looked at them and said "I shall stay here and protect the Varden while we proceed to Belatona."

Eragon felt someone trying to enter his mind and threw up his defensive barrier's. He noticed it was Arya and let her in. "Yes Arya? What do you want?"

"Are you serious about not going to the funeral?"

"Aye, I am."

"Good because that leaves us the chance to go on a mission for Nasuada she planned that this will go this way and knew that if it did we would have the time for this."

"And this is?" Eragon asked.

"You and me going on a solo attack taking Belatona. That way we won't lose men to war."

"But how? You and me cannot overpower the entire city on our own!?"

"Ahh but we can. We have Saphira set Belatona ablaze and the we go in there capture the leader and Destroy it and we won." She explained.

"Alright we can try but i don't think it will be that simple, what if Murtagh and Thorn are there lying in wait for us?

"Then let them you can beat them I know you can."

"It's not like you to be overconfident." Eragon thought with a smirk.

"I'M NOT BEING OVERCONFIDENT!!!" She yelled out loud.

"Alright alright no need to yell." Eragon said soothingly.

He then saw her struggle to get her emotionless mask back on. She couldn't so she asked Nasuada if she could be excused and ran out.

"Alright so this meeting is over." Nasuada said, then ran out following Arya.

So with that Eragon stood up and left.
------------------

Arya (Even though you alerted us of the switch, I don't like the idea of choosing a first. There are plenty of ways you can tell us what Arya is thinking if it is not in 1st person.)

Why did I yell like that, she thought. I've not had an outburst like that since i had gotten banished by my mother. (Whoa! you just changed back to 3rd person!) She thought back to the mixed feelings that she had shoved to a corner of her mind and sealed of even to herself. In it was the feeling's she had for Eragon. She had hidden them away to not be thought about till the war was over, but she couldn't help but think about them. Then she saw Nasuada coming, the only person she had shared her feeling's with.

"Arya? Are you all right?" Nasuada asked.

"No I am not. I should not have outbursted like that. That was very impolite of me please forgive me." She said.

"Ahh Arya it's about Eragon again isn't it? And tell the truth." She added

"Aye it is about him I cannot help my feelings. I cannot go on the mission with him for fear of distracting him from the war. And now after what had happened at the Agaeti Blodhren, I fear he does not like me anymore than a friend." She told her.

Nasuada looked like she was about to say something when she was cutoff. "Arya you must be as blind as a bat if you think he doesn't like you more than a friend. He just had hidden his love better than you." Said Angela as she came out from nowhere. Arya turned around confused and saw her.

"Why does he hide his emotions though?" asked Nasuada.

"I made him swear to stop pursuing me lest we could not be friends anymore. This was before I loved him." Arya replied.

She then looked up (I think you can add a reason as to why she looked up.) and saw Thorn and Murtagh coming towards the Varden incampment in Feinstar. They all raced back to the Varden incampment to see Eragon and Saphira taking flight with Blodhgarm and the elves in tight pursuit.

Arya raced after them.
--------------------------

So how was the real chappy. CC [constructive criticism] needed.

This was better. Everything I mentioned in my 1st post could still use some work but like TS said, it will come with time and experience.

[evarya]

I think this is good for a first chapter..Though it seems like you rushed it a little..But heck everyones first chapter is usually a little rushed..Expecially if its their first fan-fic...Just take a little more time when you write a chapter, do NOT rush it...Put more descripsion and emotion into it and it will be great.

You are doing good so far..And you will only get better with time.

~Ev~

[Hazuki3]

Alright here is the right one. I put up this stupid one my cuz wrote on accident. They aren't going to Gil'ead.


Ch. 1

Eragon

It was the second day since the capture of Fienstar. Eragon was outside Nasuada's tent getting ready for the upcoming war meeting she summoned him to. It was five minutes later that she called him in. To Nasuada's right was Jormundarr and Arya and to her left was Angela the herbalist. Nasuada told Eragon to take a seat. He took a seat and Nasuada began speaking "Ok. (Not needed.) Eragon, Islanzadi told me that you should be there for the burrial of Oromis and Glaedr. What do you think about it?"

Eragon sat there thinking about it when he got an idea (I think you are neglecting that Sphira is an intelligent creature who should have a voice in the desicion wether Eragon asks her or not.) Saphira do you think we should go to Oromis' and Glaedr's Burrial?

I don't know little one this is your decision no one can make it for you.(Again.)

Alright, Saphira, it's just, I want to go but what if the Varden need us. What if Thorn and Murtagh come out and attack while we are gone. They could kill over half the Varden and mortally wound a lot of them. What if we take that chance and come back and find most of them dead. That is a chance I (we) can't take.

Aye (I don't think Saphira would say aye) Eragon that is a tough choice but I think you should hurry up and choose so they stop staring at you. She told him while letting loose a jet of saphire fire.

Okay, Saphira.

So he looked at them and said "I shall stay here and protect the Varden while we proceed to Belatona."

Eragon felt someone trying to enter his mind and threw up his defensive barrier's. He noticed it was Arya and let her in. "Yes Arya? What do you want?"

"Are you serious about not going to the funeral?"

"Aye, I am."

"Good because that leaves us the chance to go on a mission for Nasuada she planned that this will go this way and knew that if it did we would have the time for this."

"And this is?" Eragon asked.

"You and me going on a solo attack taking Belatona. That way we won't lose men to war."

"But how? You and me cannot overpower the entire city on our own!?"

"Ahh but we can. We have Saphira set Belatona ablaze and the we go in there capture the leader and Destroy it and we won." She explained.

"Alright we can try but i don't think it will be that simple, what if Murtagh and Thorn are there lying in wait for us?

"Then let them you can beat them I know you can."

"It's not like you to be overconfident." Eragon thought with a smirk.

"I'M NOT BEING OVERCONFIDENT!!!" She yelled out loud.

"Alright alright no need to yell." Eragon said soothingly.

He then saw her struggle to get her emotionless mask back on. She couldn't so she asked Nasuada if she could be excused and ran out.

"Alright so this meeting is over." Nasuada said, then ran out following Arya.

So with that Eragon stood up and left.
------------------

Arya (Even though you alerted us of the switch, I don't like the idea of choosing a first. There are plenty of ways you can tell us what Arya is thinking if it is not in 1st person.)

Why did I yell like that, she thought. I've not had an outburst like that since i had gotten banished by my mother. (Whoa! you just changed back to 3rd person!) She thought back to the mixed feelings that she had shoved to a corner of her mind and sealed of even to herself. In it was the feeling's she had for Eragon. She had hidden them away to not be thought about till the war was over, but she couldn't help but think about them. Then she saw Nasuada coming, the only person she had shared her feeling's with.

"Arya? Are you all right?" Nasuada asked.

"No I am not. I should not have outbursted like that. That was very impolite of me please forgive me." She said.

"Ahh Arya it's about Eragon again isn't it? And tell the truth." She added

"Aye it is about him I cannot help my feelings. I cannot go on the mission with him for fear of distracting him from the war. And now after what had happened at the Agaeti Blodhren, I fear he does not like me anymore than a friend." She told her.

Nasuada looked like she was about to say something when she was cutoff. "Arya you must be as blind as a bat if you think he doesn't like you more than a friend. He just had hidden his love better than you." Said Angela as she came out from nowhere. Arya turned around confused and saw her.

"Why does he hide his emotions though?" asked Nasuada.

"I made him swear to stop pursuing me lest we could not be friends anymore. This was before I loved him." Arya replied.

She then looked up (I think you can add a reason as to why she looked up.) and saw Thorn and Murtagh coming towards the Varden incampment in Feinstar. They all raced back to the Varden incampment to see Eragon and Saphira taking flight with Blodhgarm and the elves in tight pursuit.

Arya raced after them.
--------------------------

So how was the real chappy. CC [constructive criticism] needed.

This was better. Everything I mentioned in my 1st post could still use some work but like TS said, it will come with time and experience.

Alright fixed most of those things.

[Prudery]

hey, there. The mods are going to kick your butt.
This isn't in the right section.

Dude, chill.

"Alright, alright no need to yell." Eragon said soothingly.

Only mistake I saw.

You're off to a good start, but you need a bit more description as to what the characters are doing when they talk and so forth.

Also, the dialogue sentences could be just a bit longer. I think you're lacking a bit of feeling in their words.

But other than that you're off to a good start. Keep going.