[Hold Your Peace]

This is going to be a fanfic about greek myths and gods, or more directly a fanfic about a book series I just read, called The Olympians. You will be utterly confused about my story unless you read the little explantion below.



The story happens in the Twenty first century, exept the Greek Gods exist. So do all the monsters from the myths. The palace of the Gods A.k.a Mount Olympus is in Manhattan, Empire state building 600 hundreth floor. Some of the main Gods are Zeus King of gods and Lord of sky and lightning. Poisedien God of the sea and water. Hades god of the underworld. Athena god of wisdom and battle. Ares god of war. And a few others who you willl get to know about later. Now when a God has a child with a mortal, a demi god is created Half god half human often known as a Half Blood. Demigods attract the attention of Monsters like a magnet and would be constanstly attacked if not for a place called Camp Half Blood. Camp is like a safe zone but enough of this Im going to start the story, if your not even that into Greek Myths (Im not that into them actualy myself) at least give my proulouge a shot.





Proulouge




"Where is he?" said Hades the anger in his voice directed at the writhing man in chains. "I dont know." moaned the man misreably, he managed to raise his blood stained face an inch or to to gaze at the God who sat upon his tall throne fused of human bones before collapsing and burying his face in the polished bronze floor wich seemed to boil in the reflected torchlight.



The fearfull wretch whimpered at the Lord of the Dead. He was not the sort of type you would want angry, he was ten feet tall and dressed in black silk robes and a braided crown of gold. His deathly pale skin was sheet white and his hair shoulderlength and jet black. The God of the Underworld radiated with a dark auro of power. He lounged on his skeletal throne looking lithe, gracefull and dangerous.


The man on the floor lifted his head again to gaze at his master, "Please, Lord I will do better next, I will find your son."


A cruel smile played upon the lips of Hades although his eyes remained intensley dangerous. "Very well I give you a choice, say the word and I will accept you into my services once more, otherwise your life will cease."


The icily spoken words seemed to linger in the air. The man leaped at the chance for life and started to say he wanted to serve but found he couldn't open his mouth. Then the reliazation dawned upon him Hades had taken his mouth. And the God was enjoying the savory moment, he spoke in a bored tone.

"No, very well then you had your chance to speak up." The man started to shake his head hurridly and made gestures with his hands. A heavy sigh escaped Hades, he waved his hand and allowed a freezing cold numbness to wash over his victim, it stopped him from thrashing around. He then snapped his fingers and a pair of skeletal warriors dressed in greek battle armour dragged him out of the home of Hades. His screams echoed around the palace, lingering unnaturaly long in the Throne room. Some of the Guards flinched at the sounds. But Hades leaned back in his throne and closed his eyes, the screams of agony were like music to his ears.


------------------------------


I hope you guys enjoyed that, I want comments and construtive crit, if you think this story is crap please point out to me what you dont like so I can try to fix my mistakes.

This post has been edited by Thorn Pwns: 23 June 2009 - 04:41 PM

[Kari]

Drat, and I was thinking about Greek myths myself. XD If you need any help in future about our mythology, feel free to ask. I remember parts.

The story seems good! Interesting start. Not how I ever imagined Hades, but still. You have a few typos you should fix, but other than that, good job!

Probably one of the best things you did was add the Author's Note. That way other people who're not up-to-date with mythology can actually understand more.

This post has been edited by Kari&Gatomon: 23 June 2009 - 05:39 PM

[Hold Your Peace]

Drat, and I was thinking about Greek myths myself. XD If you need any help in future about our mythology, feel free to ask. I remember parts.

The story seems good! Interesting start. Not how I ever imagined Hades, but still. You have a few typos you should fix, but other than that, good job!

Thanks Id love some help if I would need it, Not yet though maybe later on like you said. Im glad you like the story, Ill try to update soon although I may be not constantly updating cause I now have two fanfics

[ThornPython4]

I like it! Please continue! I really enjoy how much detail you put into the writing. amazing.

[Hold Your Peace]

Chapter 1 * A second Failure *



"Iris accept my offering." said Hades his bony hand throwing a chunk of gold into a swirl of dust. The gold dissaperead and instead an image of a boy came into view . The boys name was Ilidian and he was currently sprinting across a beach, it was night and the stars created a memerzing reflection on the smooth ocean.


Hades kept on watching the image intenly, soon a bearlike creature obscured the image that hung in mid air, it shambled across the pure white sand in pursuit of the boy. The boy had black hair, trimmed short his pale face was even paler then ususal and his black eyes were clouded with fear.


The dark ocean, that was currently sparkling with starlight suddenly went from being still and calm to violent and stormy. The water then blasted forth and washed the monster away, allowing the boy to run for saftey, the image ended.


"What!" yelled Hades, his pitiless voice ringing througout his vast realm of despair and darkness. His dark eyes rippled and changed into two hollow eyesockets filled with purple flames. The God of the underworld struck down one of his minions in anger.


Blast my brother, blast Posidieon. He would of never of helped a son of mine. He would of only helped a son of his...so unless...


His train of thoughts were broken by a trio of vicous growl and barks. The guardian of his hall had been awakend, the threeheaded dog Ceberus was annoucing a visitor. The silver handle of his doors turned and suddenly the black gate of hades was flung open. In flew a man with golden armour that brightned the dark and damp room, wearring a pair of winged boots. The eyes of the newcomer glinted with a strange malice.


It was of course Hermes, god of thieves and travelers, private messengar of the gods. His entrance puzzled Hades, it had been thousands of years since the God brought tidings to the Lord of the Dead.



"Nephew," Hades called from his throne. "What brings you here."


Hermes answered respectfully "Uncle, I come with a stack of messages from your son."

"My son, my son just arrived at camp half blood." said Hades bitterly.

"Your son Ilidian as been in camp half blood for eight years, the son of Posideion just arrived, your son has been pleading for someone to claim him as there own I recomend you do." with that Hermes fluttered out of the room.

*******************



In Camp Halfblood eleven cabins for campers were clustered in a U shape. Each cabin had a certain God or mascot. For instance cabin six was the cabin of Athena and only daughters and sons of Athena were allowed to stay in there. For some people, who didn't know wich god was there father or mother cabin eleven came in handy. The cabin of Hermes or number eleven, housed the "Undetermined campers" aswell as the relitaves of Hermes. No cabin belonged to Hades, thus only eleven of them stood.


Ilidian had been an Undetermined camper for the eight years of his stay, eight years of training with swords and bows. Swarming up climbing walls that poured down molten lava, eight years of learning ancient greek wich he now spoke fluently and eight years of making friends and foes alike.


Now as he sat at Hermes table in the camp dining area, he cut off a juicy piece of steak and approached the roaring fire in the center of the outdoors eating place. The dancing orange flames gave off a warm glow and just as Ilidian thought the fire was going to lick his skin he tossed the steak into its depths. To the Gods, please father reveal thyself. this had been his prayer every time he ate, but no answer had ever came, crushing his hopes over and over again.


Now however, as soon as Ilidian had thought the words the ground shook. The loudness of the dining area, froze everybody was staring at Ilidian who was now finaly being claimed. The ground shook again, then to the left a new cabin rose out of the ground. It was built soley from human bones, and stood tall and menacing with a statue made of black marble perched on its roof, a statue of Hades. Then the fire changed colour, it turned black. Smoke drifted from the now dark fire and made a symbol over Ilidians head, the smoke turned into a skull. Forks and knives clattered as people dropped them in amazment. They had just reliazed who Ilidains parent was, they know stared at him diffrently, not with love, kindness and respect but with fear.



Ilidians world seemed to crash just then, he had known since the ground first trembled, his father was not Hermes, Ares, Posidieon or Zeus. His father was the Lord of the Dead and the ruler of the underworld, his father...was Hades.

This post has been edited by Thorn Pwns: 24 June 2009 - 12:22 PM

[golden glaedr]

I like this story,and I also read the series too. Very much better than any story I can come up with. Will there be more new children from the different gods?

[Hold Your Peace]

Thanks, im very glad you liked it

There will most likley be more children from diffrent gods but as the story has still just started, it may not be soon.



Thorn Pwns

[Hold Your Peace]

Chapter 2



Ilidian almost gagged when he stepped into his new cabin. Despite being very grand, it stank of death and decay. The ceiling was high in the air, and the floor was of marble. A old fireplace in the corner of the cabin lit up the interiour of the room that looked as if it had been built with a pile of human bones and some glue.


The torturing reality of his fathers idenity was killing Ilidian. He had been at camp the longest and was more experienced then any of the campers, always had they looked up to him like a big brother and a friend but now...Every time he tried greeting someone they would scutter away pretending not to have heard him. The younger kids even screamed and sprinted in the opposite direction of him whenever he came close. Now as Ilidian lay down on his straw mattres he sincerly wished that he could of stayed in the cabin of Hermes instead of being claimed by Hades, or at least have a talk with his father...


He had barley had the thought when a swirling black portal sprang into exitance in the center of his room, Ilidian rose slowly from his blankets and walked hesitantly towards the portal, his barefeet were chilled, a freezing coldness was washing over the cabin, and it seemed to be coming from the portal. Taking a deep breath Ilidian plunged inside.





Ilidian found himself infront of a handsome looking gate. Yet blocking the entry was a gigantic three headed dog, and Ilidian knew instantly that he was in the underworld, for the dog Ceberus always guarded the hall of Hades, his father. Ilidian hoped that Ceberus would not notice him, eying wearily the razor sharp fangs that came out of each mouth. However at the sight of him Ceberus merley trotted to the side.

Relived but apprenshive Ilidian banged on the gate with the large, gold knocker. "Come in." came a cold voice that could only be his fathers.


The gate swung open by itself and Ilidian went inside, his eyes lingering on the throne his father sat on wich was made of identical material as his cabin, human bones.


"Father." said Ilidian and knelt revrently before the Lord of the Dead. Even though Hades did not smile, he never did his fierce eyes softened a little, only a little.

"The reason I have summoned you here," he called from his throne, "Is too bestow upon you two magic iteams, like is only right a father should do."

"Thank you." said Ilidian humbly, keeping himself from retoring that he could keep his damned stuff for all he cared.

"This cloak, will allow you to walk through walls and solid iteams when worn." said Hades drawing a black cloak of similar material as his own robes out of nowhere.

"And this sword, whos name is blizzard will hopefully serve thy well." This time Hades handed Ilidian a sword that was cold to the touch.

As soon as Ilidian however took the sword, he heard his fathers voice whispering in his head.

Use your new prowess and magic iteams to destroy camp half blood. And Ilidian found himself unable to disobey the voice, he had to do everything that it said, and on top of the list was burning down what had been his home for the past eight years.


*********************************

[Kari]

Alright, this is gonna be fun.

The waters mentioned above wouldn't be an 'ocean', it would be a 'sea'. Greece isn't bordered by any oceans. Unless of course the boy isn't in Greece, which turns out to be logical in the end.

The loudness of the dining area, froze everybody was staring at Ilidian who was now finaly being claimed.

First of all, that sentence makes no sence at first. And furthermore, are we guessing he's being claimed, or is this how all half-gods are claimed? Info please.

Smoke drifted from the now dark fire and made a symbol over Ilidians head, the smoke turned into a skull.

The smoke turned into skulls? God that's creepy. And also slightly illogical. Or did you mean the mark on his forehead was a skull?

Also, small note: in English, the God of the Seas is called Poseidon.

Moving on to the second chapter.

The ceiling was high in the air, and the floor was of marble. A old fireplace in the corner of the cabin lit up the interiour of the room that looked as if it had been built with a pile of human bones and some glue.

There was a high ceiling, is the correct expression.

Since the cabin's made out of bones, his mattress is straw.. the flow's sort of weird here. I like the description of how everyone's attitudes change, though. Very real.

Taking a deep breath Ilidian plunged inside.

He plunged into the portal, as in, dived? Unless the portal was on the floor, that wouldn't have worked all too well. And plunging in something of which you have no knowledge, ESPECIALLY in a world ruled by gods is never smart.

Ilidian hoped that Ceberus would not notice him, eying wearily the razor sharp fangs that came out of each mouth.

Dogs are pretty perceptive with their heightened sences. And this guy has three heads. And is a Godlike dog. Praying he wouldn't be noticed is very stupid here. Cerberus is there for a reason: to stop people coming OUT of the Underworld. He would have to be extra protective, so not being noticed is impossible, by logic.

Relived but apprenshive Ilidian banged on the gate with the large, gold knocker. "Come in." came a cold voice that could only be his fathers.

I'm supposing he guessed it could only be his father's, as Hades has no servants and such that would take the liberty of coming in. Also, the Underworld's kinda large, not just the one room. The way leading down to is is a large staircase, if memory serves well (and it might not, mind you) and leads into a cavern. Mainly though, Ilidian has never heard his father speak, so he couldn't recognize the voice. A reason would be better, as in:

Ilidian knew that that voice could only belong to the God of the Underworld, his father. The mere sound of it sent chills rushing down his spine, chilling his heart as the fist of death does to one ready to be claimed by his black wings.

Or something.

"Father." said Ilidian and knelt revrently before the Lord of the Dead. Even though Hades did not smile, he never did his fierce eyes softened a little, only a little.

You need to fix your punctuation on that, a little.

"The reason I have summoned you here," he called from his throne, "Is too bestow upon you two magic iteams, like is only right a father should do."

"Thank you." said Ilidian humbly, keeping himself from retoring that he could keep his damned stuff for all he cared.

Ooh, resistance. Sweet. XD It seems natural, in a way. Not that it's been supported much, but it sounds reasonable. Also, it should be:

'as is right for a father to do'

And why is this right? A father isn't oblidged to give his son magical weapons, if I remember correctly.

"This cloak, will allow you to walk through walls and solid iteams when worn." said Hades drawing a black cloak of similar material as his own robes out of nowhere.

"And this sword, whos name is blizzard will hopefully serve thy well." This time Hades handed Ilidian a sword that was cold to the touch.

First off, that's way overpowered. And drawing it out of nowhere? Nevermind, we'll suppose Gods can do it.

But swords are made of metal, and are always cold to touch. Especially in a place with no sunlight to warm it. And the prose here soiunds a little fake, as if it's robotic. Especially the 'thy' is out of place. Hades makes no effort to be more even with his son, as the softening of the eyes would imply. It's just 'take the mgic stuff and go'

Use your new prowess and magic iteams to destroy camp half blood. And Ilidian found himself unable to disobey the voice, he had to do everything that it said, and on top of the list was burning down what had been his home for the past eight years.

Ooh, befuddlement. Very fatherly. XD Seems as if he's just going to use his son like a weapon, coldly. So his eyes wouldn't soften at the sight of him, if he's going to force him to do things.


My main critic, however, is that this story is told from Ilidian's POV. We should see more EMOTION from him, he's utterly flat here. At some points, you give a small hint, but never what he's feeling. We never learn how the others' fear makes him feel, or how disappointed he is not to be claimed or what he's thinking. Or how he feels to see his father.

We're just told the events.

now, this is a serious issue with a story. You'll improve gradually at portraying emotions, but you need to make a conscious effort. Your description is good, but emotions and characters are utterly robotic and flat. He did this, then that.

As a whole, the story is interesting and you seem to know what you're doing. XD

Reason for edit: I was later reminded the story takes place in the 21st century. XD


I have a question: Why would they learn Ancient Greek, though it's a lovely language? Speaking it fluently would take... about... 10 years? I've been learning it for the past four years, and my mother tongue is Greek.

Trust me, we just finished the grammar. In four years. He could have a very good level at eight years of systematic and arduous learning, but fluent? I don't think it's entirely likely. Possible, but not very likely. Keep if it you like, but I'm still somewhat apprehensive. Especially since the characters seem to use only English, so why would it be necessary?

Also, aa friend asks why you use swords and bows instead of firearms.

This post has been edited by Kari&Gatomon: 28 June 2009 - 12:29 PM

[Hold Your Peace]

Thanks for all that crit, I hope it helps me improve However my story is happening in the 21st century and not nessicarily in greece. I forgot to write a few words in that sentence that made no sense, and the skull thing came out wrong. It was suppose to mean that the smoke turned into the symbol of a skull, sort of like a small skull shaped smoke thingy, I just couldnt word it right. The portal was on the floor, and he plunged into it, maybe not that smart but who said Ilidian was intelligant? Im also aware that the Underworld is much bigger then that hall but thats just where he apperead. Nice description on that about him knowing about the voice, I was meaning that the voice sounded so cold and evil that it could not belong to anyone else save his father, although I should of added more description to that.



Hades was not obliged to give him magic stuff but it was common for the gods to bestow gifts upon there children, the cloak is a bit overpowered I guess but I mean Ive heard of loads of storys about invisbilty stuff. And also the reason Hades is giving these powerfull things to his son(wich he probaly would of wanted to keep for himself) was because he wanted a servant that was powerfull and under his complete control. And that is the reason for softening his eyes and such, to try to trick Ilidian into taking the sword so he could be controlled by Hades. Also I reliaze the lack of emotion, I wasnt realy pleased with that when I posted.


Well thanks again for the crit, you pointed out a great deal of flaws for me to fix.

Thorn Pwns

[Kari]

I was meaning that the voice sounded so cold and evil that it could not belong to anyone else save his father, although I should of added more description to that.

That would have been fine, but you didn't write it. XD If you had, I'd never have mentioned this. XD

No worries. Criticing writing comes naturally at times.

[golden glaedr]

Good post, can't wait till the next update!

[golden glaedr]

when will you continue to write this story. I think it's really interesting.