[Tatoranaki Writer]

A story I wrote at a site quite a while ago... (not this site)
I came up with stuff as much as I could, as this was a serial I was attempting to update frequently.
I am looking for opinions (pros/cons), critique, opinions (constructive), anything. Thanks.


Raanu looked over the ruins of the Arena Magna. Gone, all gone. Why had the Skrall attacked, what was the purpose? The question wasn't even worth asking, the answer was obvious. But still... it was a thought that never went away, a persistant nagging. At least his people were safe, some good news, something to grasp onto. He looked away from the ruins, it was about time to get back. Back to where he belonged, back to his people. A low rumbling sound caught his attention as he was about to turn away. More Skrall? He took a step back as the sand before him parted, giving way to a large claw. Soon another claw emerged, then finally, a head. Tarduk.

This post has been edited by Tatoranaki Writer: 03 July 2009 - 09:21 PM

[Hold Your Peace]

Well first of all I dont know anything about Bionicle, however your writing was okay, just I cant judge that much on one paragraph you have to lengthen your chapters.


Thorn Pwns

[Tatoranaki Writer]

Alright, I'll combine some entries. Thanks for the feedback. Also, this isn't one of my major projects, so not as much time was spent on it.

"What are you doing here?" Raanu asked, slightly taken aback.
"Shouldn't you be with Gresh and the others?"

Tarduk shook the sand off his armor, sand pouring out.
“Ah, that’s better.”
He paid no notice to Raanu, and instead looked, searching the ground frantically.
“Where is it?!”
Raanu sighed. “Where’s what?”
Tarduk started to dig around the area he had emerged from.
“The artifact,” he said quickly. “It took me three grueling HOURS to find it.”
Just then, Raanu say a glint of light reflecting off a small piece of metal. It had a tan, goldish tint, and seemed to be part of something much larger. He bent down and pulled it out of the sand. A helmet? He wondered.
Two piercing blue eyes stared back at him, bringing the object sudden life-like qualities.
Startled, Raanu dropped it.
There’s no reason to be afraid. A voice echoed through his head, calm, soothing. “I am called Mata-Nui, and I seek help.”
Tarduk looked over at Raanu who seemed to be in a trance. “Something wrong,” he asked quizzically.
“No,” replied Raanu. “Something is finally right.”

[Tatoranaki Writer]

For this I combined three entries of my story.

"Mata-Nui..." Raanu said, struggling to find the words. "Has agreed to help us."
Tarduk tapped Raanu's helmet with his right claw. "Either that's hollow, or the desert is starting to get to you, my friend."
"No," Raanu said. "I'm perfectly fine. This is Mata-Nui." He reached down for the mask... to find it suddenly gone.
Tarduk chuckled quietly, "Alright, alright, I get what's going on. This is just some kind of wierd plan to get me to head back to the others. I'm going, ok? Just... stop freaking me out."
Tarduk began to trudge off into the distance, when a loud grinding sound came within earshot. He froze in midstep and looked over the desert. Far off, black spots could be seen, hundreds, with one green and black dot in the lead. The Skrall had returned.

Mata-Nui appeared in front of Raanu. No longer a mask, but a full-fledged being. Clad in sparkling gold armor, and armed with twin-blades and a thornax launcher, he seemed to be a truly malevolent force, unlike any Glatorian. His gaze was to the Skrall. His brilliant blue eyes focused on the hordes before them, scanning them, analyzing them. Were they going to fight?

Mata-Nui's voice sounded again in Raanu's mind.
The Skrall have not come to fight. They are running. Retreating.
From what? What could frighten an entire horde of Skrall? Raanu asked, agitated.
They’re unlike anything you've ever seen. Something far more powerful that we dare not encounter at this moment and time.
Who are they? What about the villages?
That is where we are going.
Mata-Nui un-expectantly cut his contact with Raanu, and walked off. Raanu shook his head and ran after him, with Tarduk close behind.
"So, where are we going?" Tarduk asked.
Mata-Nui and Raanu remained silent.
"Best day of my life," muttered Tarduk sarcastically.