[Bagenbaggage]

First let me give you the best of the old:

SPOILER ALERT: Spoilers to 7th Harry Potter

PS. For those of you who can't read the spoiler alert you probably can't read the following episode.

P.S.S: There is a Liberachi Museum in Las Vegas?

Voldemort's Secret Hideout:

"Ha, ha you lose again!" Voldemort laughed spitting out chunks of frittos and pointing at a Death Easter later called Wimpy. "Ha, five of a kind Aces totally beats four of a kind kings!" the Death Eaters looked at each other afriad to say something. A fat death eater walks in by the name of Dennis.

"Dude their is totally no five of a kind in poker" he says walking in and taking a seat at the poker table.

"Dennis shut up they don't know that"

"Dude they totally do"

Voldemort points his wand at wimpy "Avada Kedarva!", Wimpy falls dead to the ground. "See what you did now you made that happen". Before Dennis can speak the phone rings "Voldemort ruler of all evil" their is a pause as someone speaks. "Oh hey Lucious, hey guys it's just Lucious" there is more talking from the other end. "What?! How did they escape--- a Dolby, they got saved by a TV?---- Well what the hell was he doing there?---- She lost her wand? Do you realize I haven't even pay that off yet. Well it's alright we still have Olivander---- What!---- Oh, oh just buy another one? Wow, like I wouldn't have though of that. Where do you think this money is coming from? How much do you think I get paid for being the Dark Lord, I mean Dennis works part time at a damn Arby's to pay off the hideouts electric bills.------ Oh god don't cry, don't cry everything will be okay, alright? Papa Volde has got it all okay. ---- um love you too, bye."

Everyone is quiet, "um so ya" voldemort says. "Well I got to go, see you around, hey Dennis could I borrow your Subbaru Imprezza"

"Sure just bring it back by five cause I've got to go to work. Plus can't you like fly?"

"Uh yeah I can it's just that my back is killing me"

"Well alright just have it back by five, cause it's wensday too"

"Ah right, comicbook day, well take it sleazy"

"Bye" Voldemort leaves out the door, everyone laughs.



Lord Voldemort and the Tale of Mad-eye Moody:

"Muhahahaha I have nearly killed Mad-eye" Voldemort says to Dennis standing in the backyard of the Dursley's. Mad-eye is laying down in front of him, Voldemort reaches down and pulls out Mad-eye's eye (that is mad?). Mad-eye suddenly wakes up.

"What the hell!" he screams.

"Holy crap! He's alive!" Voldemort says.

"Of course i'm alive give me back my eye!"

"No, you're like almost dead"

"No i'm not I feel fine"

"Well I wounded you"

"No actually I feel good, I think i'll go for a walk"

"Don't be ridiculous I hit you with a killing curse"

"Well I feel fine"

"Well your probably are in so much pain you don't feel it"

"No I mean i'm fine"

"No you aren't, silence!"

"No give me back my eye"

"Shut up you!"

"No not till you give me back my eye!"

"Shut up i'm keeping it!"

"What the hell would you do with a magical eye? Nail it to a Friggen door?"

"Maybe!"

"I dare you too!"

"Oh yeah well fine"

"Fine, i'm just going to get my flask and go. When should I come by to see if you did it"

"Uh Dennis is wensday good?"

"No you have a bunch of appointments, unless you want to move Rescue Me back"

"No, no I need to watch it."

"Well you no we could just tivo it, we have it on season pass anyway"

"Eh it's just that I like to watch it live"

"Well yeah but Friday morning is clear."

"Oh no I got palaties on Friday mornings" Mad-eye says.

"Oh my god you take palaties, I mean don't you have a bad leg" Voldemort says.

"Well yeah that is the whole point"

"So um how about sunday morning it's not like i go to church"

"Eh me either, so i'll see you then"

"Sure"

"Alright bye" Mad-eye says getting up and walking off down the street.

"Wait one second" Voldemort says. "Wasn't I supposed to kill him?"

"Uh yeah" Dennis says.

"Ah crap"

"Well we can just kill him on Sunday"

"No, no it's to late. Plus i'm going to Germany right after, I don't have time for the whole big battle"

"Ah to bad"

"Yeah I know, lets go get potter"

"We don't know which one he is"

"He is with Hagrid stupid, they are like best freinds plus Potter got too fat to ride a broom"

"Alright well lets go" they both head off.


Lord Voldemort and the Creative Planning Department.

"So guys I need ideas on how to kill potter, any suggestions" Voldemort says dawnig his egyptian cotton pajamas. "Wendy give me somethin' good"

"Well we could sick a troll on him" A red haired lady says banging her pencil gently on the desk.

"I like it" Wendy smiles. "To bad we did it and it failed miserably, Dennis my man give me something good."

"Well we could steal Ginny, she is Harry's girl freind"

"Ginny? You mean that red-haired evil ginger kids sister?"

"Uh, yeah"

"Dude he is like two years older then her, that would be disgusting if they were going out. I mean do you ever see them having kids one day. And while your at it why don't you just say they'll name it after snape here! hahaha!" Snape gives a little scoff. "Wormtail, hey wait aren't you supposed to be dead?" Wormtail scurries into a hole in the wall that is three feet big. "Um okay, Josh"

"We could always use the super wand."

"Yeah.. But that means i'd have to steal it from that old guys grave"

"So."

"It's all icky and stuff"

"So"

"So why don't you do it?"

"Because then i would be the master of the wand"

"Yeah... well I could just kill you"

"No way, why don't you get Dennis to do it"

"No way dude"

"That's enough!" Voldemort yells. "You're making Mr. Boots upset" Voldemort says petting a white cat on his laps. "I'm sawee Mr. Boots, did the two idiots upset, you, i'm sawee. Fine i'll go get it."

"Um sir" says the smart guy in the corner. "Don't you think you should be protecting your Horocruxes?"

'How the hell do you know about those!"

"Dude, everyone knows, your snakes crap has been shreiking at us. It's not cool."

"Oh yeah well your not cool. Avada Kedarva!" the smart guy falls to the floor. "So i'll go get it tommorow night, for now it is Dr. Phil time" Voldemort strodes out of the room.

And now for the New!


Lord Voldemort and the cave:


"Seriously what sick b*stard thinks of blood to open a door" Dennis says walking behind Voldemort.

"Obviously me" Voldemort says giving a nervous laugh. They are walking down the pathway by the lake.

"Dude if this is to prove how manly you are because of yesterday I can understan--"

"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH LIKING THE JONAS BROTHERS!"

"Sure there isn't....."

"Well Joe Jonas is hot so forget you" Voldemort says stopping on the path abruptly. He pulls on a chain and a small ship pops out of the water.

"Really?"

"What?"

"You are the Dark Lord and all you can think of is a damn row boat?"

"Well it is a spooky row boat, isn't it?"

"I guess but it is still lame it is like one step below inflatble raft and one step above duck bicycle boat."

"Ya, whatever just get in the damn boat" Voldemort says both of them stepping onto the boat. As it goes slowly across the water Dennis looks down and sees the Inferi.

"Woah was that Stan?"

"Yup, what do you think that Death Eater exclusive picnic was yesterday. They thought they were getting jello when, BLAM BLAM! I made them into green jello myself if you know what i'm saying."

"Dude.... I was on that list" Dennis says. There is an akward silence as the boat slowly comes up on the island.

"Ooookey well here we are" Voldemort says and they step off the boat. They both walk up to the well of potion where the locket lies.

"Oh by the way was there a reason why you turned me into a seventeen year old?"

"Security measure. Now I need you too drink this potion"

"Uh, what is it?"

"It make you live out your worst night ma-- I mean it is thai green drink the one that taste like jolly ranchers that you like.

"Oh swee--- wait a minute what is at the bottom of this well?"

"A locket"

"Is it one of your hororcruxes?"

"WHAT! How do you know about that?"

"Dude everyone knows about those things, and i'm not drinking the damn potion."

"Fine then we can't check if it is a cheap knock off of the hororcrux"

"Who would steal it and put a fake in? That is almost as bizzare as Regulus Black posing a threat"

"Hahaha. Good one Dennis"

"So what other security do you have in here?"

"Well I had a giant clown named Peter, but I forgot clowns like food soooo.."

"Why a clown?"

"Well it fits the whole childhood thing ya know?"

"So what does tha have to do with clowns?"

"Well I was afraid of them"

"HAHAHA You were afraid of clowns?"

"Well.... I kind of still am"

"HAHAHAHA"

"Dude have you seen the movie IT clowns are scary."

"That was a Spider demon, why don't you put a spider."

"Nah forget it, dead people is good enough."

"But aren't they afraid of fire?"

"Yeah so?"

"Did it occur to you that we are on a circular island that can easily have a circle of fire cast around it"

"So.."

"So it is a giant flaw"

"The only person who could do that is like Dumbledore and he wouldn't come in here at all."

"Fine don't trust me lets just get out of here"

"Fine follow me"

And with that they left unknowing of the locket switch.

[Greek Owner]

I liked this , maybe not writings of much depth but I dont think that was the whole point, it was pretty damn funny Lol I loved the part where Voldemort goes SHUT UP! THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH LIKING THE JONAS BROTHERS! hehe



Greek Owner

[Notorious BIG]

God, this was funny, especially the clowns part.

[Bagenbaggage]

Thank you Biggie. Well time for a new chapter, why? Because you f*cking deserve it.


Lord Voldemort and The Scheme Task Force:


Voldemort sat quietly in his chamber, staring at a massive panel comprised of around 14 television screens. Each one is playing either some Harry Potter film or online parody, or one that happens to be playing Zoey101. "That poor kid has never kissed a girl" Voldemort says paying more attention to Zoey101. Then he sighs as the episode ends and shifts back his attention. "Why do I keep failing?"

"Because you're the classic antagonist archetype" Dennis says coming in through the slidding door munching on some weird chocalate popcorn.

"Say wha?"

"Yeah dude, your story is a classic villan, hero scenario. You are all that is evil and Potter is all that is good"

"I don't think i'm that evil"

"Well no but that is how the story goes"

"It doesn't sound very original" Voldy says stroking a imaginary beard.

"It isn't. It is basically Gilgamesh with new twists and original writing"

"Wah?"

"Gilgamesh, old poem found, story that most good evil stories are based on. You are basically like Galobotrix except way better written"

"Uh-huh so how do I stop potter?"

"You don't"

".... That sucks"

"Well I mean you can at least enjoy your life while it is still lasting"

"And do what?"

"Kill some people, rain destruction.."

"Or watch some Travel channel"

"Yeah or that, also don't you want to catch up on True Blood"

"Eh maybe. By the way what the hell are you eating" Voldemort says pointing at Dennis' popcorn.

"Oh Dude, I put like two hersheys bars and a whole stick of butter"

"Why a whole stick"

"Well I was going to use half but fricken Paula Dean got stuck in my head"

"Ah got ya..."

".... so wanna watch Anthony Bourdain?"

"I'm down"