[ShadowFire44]

Hey! I am ShadowFire44 and this is my atempt a book 4. So sit back, read, and enjoy!

Chapter 1: Morning, Mourning, and Planning

Eragon sat down on his cot and just wanted to forget all of the events that happened over the last few hours. However he could not, and he knew he would never. Saphira sat next to him, and the sapphire blade Brisingr was within easy reach.
Little one, I know you are sorrowful, but so am I. We must concentrate on the task at hand, at Belatona, and not grieve too much. Oromis would not have wanted it.

I know, but we are now alone.

You know we are not.

Yes, but how can we change that we are the only rider and dragon that are free? Only Galbatorix and Murtagh are the last riders other then us, and we only have a weak chance of defeating them.
She nodded and released a puff of smoke from her nostrils. For several moments neither of them spoke while Blődhgarm and the other elves guarded them from the outside of their tent.
They heard a rustle of cloth and metal behind them and they turned to find Arya, Nasuada, Angela, and a few other officials. A pair of dwarves carried a big and seemingly heavy package. Eragon rose, but Nasuada waved him back down.
Soon Eragon and Saphira were engaged in a tactical discussion of what they could do to win Belatona. Angela proposed using poison and other vile methods, but the idea was soon abandoned. Nobody could come up with a real method of taking the city other than taking it with force. However the talk soon ended as a young messenger walked in and addressed Nasuada.

"My lady, we have received a report from some of our scouts. They say that the city of Belatona will be willing to surrender to us if we can beat their champion."

Nasuada smiled. "Excellent. When we defeat their champion we can further advance into the Empire and save many lives."

"Yes, but what if it is Murtagh and Thorn? Galbatorix would have made them strong enough to defeat us and besides, it can’t be a normal soldier. Galbatorix would not have allowed it." Eragon hoped it would not be so, but if it was, he would try his best to defeat them.

Nasuada frowned. "I know, but we must try. We cannot allow them..."

Eragon interrupted by saying "Nasuada, may I speak with you alone please?"

She waved the officials out but Angela and Arya stayed. "Nasuada, I have a plan. There is a way to have Murtagh and Thorn join our side. We could change their names in the Ancient Language and have them..."

Nasuada sighed and put her hands on her head. "Magic...Eragon, just do what you need to do. I will provide you with everything you require. Arya, what do you think?"

She rested her green eyes on Eragon. "I cannot decide. I would rather them killed, but they could do more for us alive."

Nasuada breathed a sigh of relief. "Very well. It is decided." She got up and left with the others. The dwarves left the package on the ground.

Saphira, what should I do?

Don't ask me, Eragon. I would rather tear him to shreds, but you wouldn’t.

For the first time Eragon tried reaching out at Glaedr.

Master, what should I do?

You must make this decision on your on Eragon. I would not trust him, but this is up to you to decide.

But...

Glaedr fell silent and refused to speak anymore.

Eragon sighed and tried to think of a plan to separate Galbatorix from his Eldunari, but he couldn't.

So that is it. What do you think?

This post has been edited by ShadowFire44: 19 October 2009 - 07:52 PM

[holyknight]

OMG!!!

I'm acually hooked to it right now.

This is a very good start and I didn't spot any mistakes because I was totally into it.

Keep going, this is amazing.

[ShadowFire44]

OMG!!!

I'm acually hooked to it right now.

This is a very good start and I didn't spot any mistakes because I was totally into it.

Keep going, this is amazing.

I did make some mistakes that were caused my the copying but I fixed them before you read the story.

Don't worry, I am not stopping until the story is over!

This post has been edited by ShadowFire44: 07 July 2009 - 03:28 PM

[Feladrin]

Ok lets see, it's a good start, and the idea with the champion is brilliant! Note that those guys from Belatona said ''defeat'' not ''kill'', so I don't know why everyone is making such a big fuss about it.
I don't think they can change their names, maybe help, but I don't see how, unless they sneak together out of that place and go into the wilderness to devise a plan, but I don't think that Murtagh will want this. I think it's Thorn's turn to act and do something useful and intelligent. And it also seems that everyone is pretty much neutral or against Murtagh when it comes to this, so Eragon's decision will be the most important. I hope he won't mess up.

The first chapter was good, though it was a bit short. How many words did it have? I think 1000-1200 may be enough.
Also, you can add a little more emotions and descriptions to your story, but other than that it was good.

This post has been edited by Feladrin: 07 July 2009 - 03:43 PM

[ShadowFire44]

Well, people want Eragon's idea because a lot of people want Murtagh and Thorn dead. So they are making a fuss about whether they should kill them IF it is them. Eragon doesn't, Nasuada seemed neutral, but everybody wants them dead right now. And yes, I messed up. It should have been that they help to change their names.

I think the next chapter will be from Murtagh/Thorn Pov

[Rogue Rider]

Well, people want Eragon's idea because a lot of people want Murtagh and Thorn dead. So they are making a fuss about whether they should kill them IF it is them. Eragon doesn't, Nasuada seemed neutral, but everybody wants them dead right now. And yes, I messed up. It should have been that they help to change their names.

I think the next chapter will be from Murtagh/Thorn Pov

My opinion:

MORE, MORE, MORE!
Just like holyknight I'm hooked!

[ShadowFire44]

thanks guys...The next update will be slow in coming, but it should reveal many secrets that we as of now don't know about.

Thank you for all the comments!

[Emeraldscales]

this is good... I'm impressed. You seem to be jumping into things, and, while I love stories like that, when I'm writing I usually do that and end up rushing, so just be careful.

This is great so far, though.

[ShadowFire44]

Yeah, the first few chapters may seem like I am rushing it but don't worry, they will slow down.

[ShadowFire44]

Here is the next chapter! It is longer. (Around 870 words)

Chapter 2: Thorn

…All I am saying is that Galbatorix will not be pleased.

I know Thorn, but what can we tell him?

Murtagh strode into the throne room while Thorn stayed where he was, sadly waiting for Murtagh to return.
He did not return. After a few mutterings in the throne room, sharp pain resonated through Thorn’s mind. He writhed on the ground for a few minutes, then got up and steeled himself. His rider was in danger. He had to save him.
A large black claw stopped him and pulled him back. Shruikan-of-the-black-scales looked at him with those sad eyes he always had.
Don’t. You will only cause yourself more pain.
But…
Don’t resist. We must go and talk.
Yes master. They slowly walked away from the throne room. Soft murmurings and moaning emanated from the chamber. Thorn dragged his reconstructed tail across the ground and his wings drooped low; they almost touched the ground. His claws made small clacking noises as they moved across the dim stone. Ahead of him Shruikan walked the same way.
They were both driven forward by two things: Hope and Revenge. But they knew that it would be difficult and painful to obtain either, much less both.
They soon arrived at a small balcony that had the already dimming sky in view. The orange-eye-in-the-sky was close to the horizon.
Thorn, I want to teach you some flying techniques. These can help you in case…anyway, let us be off!
They practiced some new moves and worked on old ones. Shruikan’s large black wings occasionally blocked out the-eye-in-the-sky, and he, even old, was a very dangerous and ferocious fighter. But the fight was soon over when Shruikan was impressed how fast Thorn learned how he fought.
How do you learn how to counter my moves so quickly?Thorn responded slowly. I fought a dragon just a little bigger then you at Gil’ead.Shruikan cocked his head and released a puff of smoke and flame. Oh? What did he look like?
Gold in color. He lost one of his forelegs. I think his name was…
Shruikan cut in. Glaedr. I remember him, though only a little. And you fought him?
Yes master.
You are too brave. I was like that at your age, and then HE took everything away. My rider, my freedom…The stone at Shruikan’s feet started to flake and crack. Tears sprang to his eyes. Shruikan roared in anger and let loose a jet of black flame. The people of Uru’baen looked in fear. Thorn flinched.
Murtagh walked in on them. A painful expression was on his face, and he had Thorn’s saddle.
Shruikan growled. What do you want, human?
He cleared his throat and said, “Galbatorix wants us to go to Dras-Leona right now.’
Thorn snarled. Right now? It’s almost dark!
“He doesn’t care.”
As Murtagh saddled Thorn, Thorn said, Master, do you still have your Eldunari?
No I do not. It rests in one of Galbatorix’s swords.
Then when I return, I swear I will rescue you!
I hope so, Thorn. I hope soMurtagh climbed onto Thorn, and scratched him by his neck.
Let’s go Thorn.
Alright.Thorn flapped his wings and propelled himself from the balcony. Shruikan watched and did not leave until they were out of sight.
Murtagh sighed. Galbatorix will not want us back if we fail.
Of course he will. We are his only dragon and…
Thorn, what I mean is that if we do he will never forgive us for this failure. He will lose patience with us, and you know what happens when he loses patience.
Thorn turned away, concentrating on a small untouched presence in his saddlebags. It was not the Eldunari, for they were always with Murtagh, but what was it?
Murtagh, what is in our saddlebags?
He stuttered, not knowing what to say. Then he said, Thorn, it is the last dragon egg.
What Galbatorix gave you that egg and he actually trusts you with it? Why would he…
Murtagh sighed. He wants us to go to Dras-Leona for a reason, Thorn. There we will give it to a merchant, who will travel, with protection from the king’s soldiers, to Tierm, where he hopes it will be forgotten forever in an old warehouse.
But why would he…
He did not say, Thorn. I don’t think we should continue this conversation for much longer, in case Galbatorix pries into our minds like the last two times, knowing that there is a small chance that we will come back.
Murtagh, what are you hiding from me? I want to know!
I am not hiding anything from you! Murtagh snapped. I would tell you everything I know! Thorn snorted. Like when you did when you told me that your father is Morzan?
I… Murtagh stopped for a minute. I am sorry Thorn. I just don’t know what is going to happen. If we get captured we might die, and if we come back we still might die.
Thorn nodded. I understand. We very well might die.Murtagh didn’t respond.

All that there was in the sky was the Dragon and Rider, the moon, and the stars. All that could be heard was the methodic flapping of Thorn’s wings and his breathing.


Sorry that my chapters are short, but I can't always think of stuff. The chapter might look weird, because my word procceser hates me right now.

[dragon_god]

So far, so good. The only thing that really bugged me wasn't the chapter itself but the layout. It was very difficult to tell when a new chapter was beginning and one ended. With that problem comes the conflict of trying to really figure out who's speaking and when they are. Like you said, your word processor is kinda being difficult but maybe if you just add an extra space between each chapter, it'll make everything a lot easier on everyone. It'll help you too.

And don't worry about coming up with ideas in the span of a few moments. There is no rush at all. Rushing yourself doesn't help you at all in any way. What I find very helpful in my writing, and you may think the same or otherwise, is to have a few chapters written in advance so that you always have something prepared for updates. For example, I just posted chapter 39 but I'm already writing chapter 42. While people are reading posted chapters, spend a few days writing another chapter and when you finish with that, post again. It's a sure fire way to always stay busy and keep the chapters coming in steadily and readily. But seeing as how I know nothing of what kind of schedule you have, you may not have the time to do that. Either way, I'm sure you'll find a schedule that works best for you. Keep up the good work and I hope that more and exciting chapters come in due time.

[ShadowFire44]

yeah, ok, I understand. I see what you mean and yes, it is really hard to come up with things all the time. But I will try.

[soldierofwill]

WOW! that was a great chapter. I like how you make Shruikan so nice and helpful to Thorn and Murtagh. Your now very interested fan soldierofwill. Bye

[Timbowolf]

A good start. Your format is a little screwy but other than that your writing is good. The champion idea for Belatona is a unique one. You characterized Shruikan nicely and have taken an interesting route with the green egg. You might want to make your chapters a little longer. Question: is chapter 2 taking place immidately after the battle at Gil'ead?

As for coming up with ideas, I can sympathize (honestly, I think any writer can). My advice to you would really be to try and plan out your fanfic as a whole and not on a chapter-to-chapter basis. Think about the main points you want to have happen (Eragon getting together with Arya (or not), what the Rock of Kuthian is, who will die, etc.) and work from there. Think of what will need to happen in the story if you want to put that idea in place. So really, start with your key points and work on the in-between stuff based on what you need, or want, to happen.

So, there's my critique and some advice. Sorry if the advice sounds like a lecture but I wanted to be thorough. Take it or leave it, it's there if you want it.

[hrothgarknurlan]

Timbowolf has basically pit my critique in a nutshell. Your Shruikan and Belatona ideas are interesting, and the story has plenty of potential. That said, there is a lot you could improve:

paragraph spacing is problematic, characterization is minimal, and you haven't really done any emotions. In general, this reads like a plot outline and not a story because you lack description. You need to "flesh out" the story a lot more.

Keep up the good work!