[evarya]

First poem..Please no laughing.

Heart of Cold


Heart of Cold
The Heart that would shatter,
From any cruel scold.
With a beat of ever hold.

Heart of Cold
Once a hue of gold,
Now forever gone,
Replaced by a black blue cold.

Heart of Cold
Longs for the warmth of another,
But finds only despair,
In the quest for it's other.

Heart of Cold
Ever still,
Until its other comes and takes hold,
Bringing a loving warmth,
To my heart of cold.


Well what ya think ?

This post has been edited by evarya: 22 July 2009 - 02:15 PM

[potter573]

Heart of Cold
The Heart that would shatter,
Why not try " That heart would shatter" ?
From any cruel scold.
With a beat of ever hold.
I don't get what you mean here.

Heart of Cold
Once a hue of gold,
Forever gone,
In my opinion you should use "Now forever gone"
Replaced by a black blue cold.

Heart of Cold
Longs for the warmth of another,
But finds only despair,
In the quest for it's other.
This doesn't clearly tell what you are trying to say, though I do get it.

Heart of Cold
Ever still,
Until its other comes and takes hold,
Bringing a loving warmth,
To my heart of cold.

The poem is generally alright though you did use the word "cold many times. Also you didn't go with a rhyming pattern in your stanzas. But rhyming patterns do not matter much ( this is my opinion). I have seen poets write nice poems without sticking to any pattern at all.

And I'm not laughing.

[Morvich]

I like it. The repetition of "Heart of Cold" threw me off a little, but sometimes that's what someone is going for - to repeat the message.

Hope to see more works of yours. =]

[EragonwithArya]

Wow.You are a very good poet!
My favorite part was the last part,and especially the line "bringing loving warmth"
It reminded me of something I am writing in my current poem.
But...wow.This is amazing!
Can't wait till the next poem,and awesome.

Adios compadre,as I will be gone today and this weekend.

[evarya]

Heart of Cold
The Heart that would shatter,
Why not try " That heart would shatter" ?
From any cruel scold.
With a beat of ever hold.
I don't get what you mean here.

Heart of Cold
Once a hue of gold,
Forever gone,
In my opinion you should use "Now forever gone"
Replaced by a black blue cold.

Heart of Cold
Longs for the warmth of another,
But finds only despair,
In the quest for it's other.
This doesn't clearly tell what you are trying to say, though I do get it.

Heart of Cold
Ever still,
Until its other comes and takes hold,
Bringing a loving warmth,
To my heart of cold.

The poem is generally alright though you did use the word "cold many times. Also you didn't go with a rhyming pattern in your stanzas. But rhyming patterns do not matter much ( this is my opinion). I have seen poets write nice poems without sticking to any pattern at all.

And I'm not laughing.

Thanks Potter ...You said you didn't under stand the last line in the first stanza.. it means, it has no beat..A ever still heart beat...I wll put now in the second line of the second stanza, you are right it does sound better...Though, no offence, I think I am going to keep the first line of the first stanza as is.


Morzan202@ thanks ... Yeah, I was thinking of taking out the Heart of Cold in every stanza...Not sure just yet though.

EwitA..Thank you

This post has been edited by evarya: 22 July 2009 - 02:13 PM

[potter573]

Though, no offence, I think I am going to keep the first line of the first stanza as is.

No offense taken. After all it's your poem and you get to decide what to keep intact and what to change.