[Thunder Gulch]

Chapter 1: Inner conflicts

'I will let nothing happen to you, son'

Eragon woke in the middle of the night, suddenly alarmed by the content of his waking dream. It was the day after the battle of fenister, and he realised that it was not through his eyes that he had witnessed this.

Only months ago he had first learnt magic, yet did not have the energy to sustain even the tiniest of spells. But that was back then, after he had woken up 2 days after his discovery of magic. He had seen brom, the maddest he has ever seen. Back then when he had thought that he was being scolded at because of his foolishness and recklessness. Yet he knew that brom cared for him and he has thought of him as a father. Then he had learn the truth about his heritage from his late masters Oromis and Gleadr that brom was his father
And now he knew that brom was mad at him, because it was his way of telling him to be careful and that he loved him and could not let him die, because of his job as a protector and a parent that he would be able to save his only son, Eragon.

Saphira being awake the whole time, could not let him wonder about his past, for the fear of him destroying his future.

‘little one, what’s wrong’ asked Saphira.
‘Nothing’ – lied Eragon for the fear of her finding out on what he was thinking about.

Yet, he was able himself to stop his emotions seeping across their link. Her emotions cleared his mind and falling back to sleep, to the sound of her soft humming in his mind, but not before letting one tear fall down his face.

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Unknown to him, a dozen yards away, Ayra was quietly crying between the choice of confessing to Eragon or her duty to her people.

Eragon, the only person that she had allowed to get that close to her, the person that had freed her from the clutches of the shade- Durza, the person that she had travelled with to the city of Ellsmera, the person she had travelled to the width of Alagesia to find, for the fear that he may hurt or even death, the person she Loved.......

that was my first time doing anything like that so tell me and comment ( i know its short)

This post has been edited by Orik Thunderfists: 01 August 2009 - 05:08 AM

[VampireGiRL]

interesting but small...

[The Shadeslayers]

Orik

You had trouble getting your story up before? I remember seeing many closed topics of yours under the same title of your fan fiction.

On Topic:

Great Story albeit you will need to bulk up your chapters. Your story itself is very good and has alot of potential if you are able to further and expand it. I like how you had Arya's PoV in there too but you slightly made her OOC. She would not be crying although you gave a good depth to why she was crying; Her loving Eragon.

Improvement?
As with everyone starting their fanfiction you can only get better from experience. Try and include more description to suit your emotions so that the story does not become flat.

Example: "Arya walked to Eragon and kissed him" - Very Basic although easy to read.

"Tearing herself from her thoughts of Eragon, the Rider she loved, Arya scanned the crowd for him and Saphira. She spotted him easily with his majestic sapphire sword at his waist. Taking a breath to settle herself and to strengthen her resolve, Arya made her way up to the Rider.

As she drew closer, his eyes turned around to face her. His eyes caught her almost immediatly and Arya found herself lost within their soft chocolate coloured depths. His face seemed to light up on seeing her and Arya felt a surge of satisfaction from within herself that she could provoke such a reaction from Eragon.

Raising his fingers to his lips, Eragon began to recite the elven greetings but was halted by Arya's hand gently taking hold of his and lowering it.

"What is it Ar-" began Eragon before being stopped by the impact of Arya's lips upon his own. After a moment he responded and deepened their kiss with all his passion. The two stood locked together for over a minute before their need for air stopped them and they broke apart.

"I love you Eragon" said Arya, smiling happily.

Yeah...Kinda went overbaord there but its just an example.

TS

[Thunder Gulch]

i'm sorry but like i said i was already logged on and my sister just screwed every thing up

[Thunder Gulch]

i'm sorry but like i said i was already logged on and my sister just screwed every thing up

and most of my closed topics have already been discussed so thats why they get closed

[hrothgarknurlan]

You have an interesting start, Orik TF, although I will need to see more before I can comment more helpfully.

But, most importantly, as TS said, it is sparse and needs more description and detail. Also, there are spelling and grammar concerns you should pay attention too, such as capitalizing, "Brom."

[Thunder Gulch]

Chapter 2 Emotions

The next day Eragon woke up from a long and sleepless night and his thoughts returned to his dream. Still deep in his thoughts he did not notice Saphira trying to greet him, he suddenly he heard a low but loud roar from her. He finally said ‘good morning’ to her, but instead she just flew off, blocking her thoughts from him leaving him sad and a little annoyed.

Feeling hungry and angry with himself for letting the past get in between them. Shaving like he always did, magically he put on his clothes and went of his sleeping tent to the mess tent where he could eat as much as he liked, and he had not eating since his masters died one day ago.

Getting neat the tent he heard a lot of what seemed like shouting for he was not sure for he still tried. Getting closer to the noise he realised he was heading in what seems towards Ayra’s tent. 200 metres from the tent he was able to find the noise’s nature, it was the elves that were sent to protect Eragon were sparring. Its seems that all thirteen elves were sparring at the same time against each other. They stopped fighting once they saw Eragon moving towards them through a thick cloud of people watching them.

‘Good morning, shadeslayer’ rang out Blohdgarm whilst twisting his hands over his sternum in a sigh of respect.
‘Good morning’ replied Eragon with a slight smile on his face. Eragon walked over to them and asked them what they were doing once they put they put they weapons away.

The same elf replied ‘Shadeslayer as you are aware, the closer we get to Uru'baen the more chances they will be that someone could hurt so we merely practising our skills with our swords’.

With nothing more to say to them Eragon bid them goodbye and continued walking toward the mess tent. Passing towards the front of ayra’s tent, he saw that she was coming out of tent with a sad look in her eyes; however he saw no indication of her noticing Eragon. Moving towards her he gave her a smile when she finally noticed him.
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Arya couldn’t face him now and did only what first came into her mind, and she ran away from the only man she knew would be able to comfort her. She ran towards the edge of the varden, towards where she knew she would be able to find the elves; taking all of her belongings with her. No longer would she have to sit through endless discussions about topics that had been the same throughout the history of the varden, no longer would she have to carry her burden with her, no longer- Eragon, running through the endless sight of tents, with tears running down from her eyes.

Suddenly someone stepped in her way; angrily she told the black figure to move. Suddenly surrounded by the nighthawks, she realised to whom she was talking to.
A bit surprised to see the leader of varden she slowed downed and stopped in front of Nasuada. She bowed downed and twisting her hands in a sigh of respect.

Ayra said ‘A bit early to be doing official business’ and trying to smile but could only come out as a painful look on her face.

Ayra saw Nasuada wonder at that and finally managed to smile, but only through the help of her memories of Eragon and asked what she was out to do.

Nasuada answered at that by saying ‘I may be the leader of the varden, but i still am human and I was out to enjoy an early morning walk, ‘and may I ask where you are going’ replied Nasuada with a questioning look at Ayra’s bags.

As it came with practise Ayra said with a stone face ‘I’m going to the elves, back to my mother’.
Before any more words could be discussed, she was once more on her way, away from Nasuada and her guards.
But before she could break away from the endless stream of tents, yet another person got in her way. Now fully enraged if she had to continue on her way even if it meant she would have to strike the person down. Arya about to raise her hand and she realised who the person was.

All comments will be welcome no matter how harsh they are

[VampireGiRL]

good job and keep posting...
and when you wrote Ayra
Do you mean Arya??

This post has been edited by VampireGiRL: 05 August 2009 - 04:00 PM

[Burningapollo]

Nice two chapters, but in my opinion, you need to devolop the characters a bit more. But i hope for another Arya PoV in the next chapter

[hackingoutofthetrap]

Good job on the beginning. For me that was the hardest part of writing until I found my niche then updates kept popping out.

Don't give up on it.

Hacking

[Thunder Gulch]

The thing is that I don't know when I will be able to update. Life has been busy for me. With all the end of year exams, have to find a job, studying for my drivers test, and more stuff. I might continue this in November/december.

-OTF

[Lafele29]

Quite good...

yeah it's a ExA!!! but it started a bit rushed with them....

It's Eragon or Roman isn't it?

i think the second on is fine but you need to redo the first.... i'll think about and maybe pm you some ideas if you like?

luva

This post has been edited by Lafele29: 08 November 2009 - 05:14 AM

[Jakob fredericks]

wow nice book so far it is better than mine for sure

[Pixel]

Please pay attention to the last update of the story guys, this one hasn't been updated since August. Try not to bump old things that probably aren't going to be active.

I'm going to close this. If the author wants it open again, just PM a mod to have it reopened.