[Kari]

Yo guys. Me and my friends recently formed a band, and I'm working on several songs for us, along with random bits of poetry I've written over the past year ot so. I'd love CnC if you could.

This is a song inspired by a stalker-type friend of mine. I wrote the second version after I thought I'd lost the first. XD

V1

Your Comfort Blanket


Out of the blue, you declare your love
I don’t know you, just a passing name
And even though I don’t feel the same
I say yes, ‘cause I don’t wanna hurt you
But in the end, we’ll both get hurt.

You took it too far, too serious.
I never wanted you, and deep inside I always knew,
that when I tell the truth, it’ll just hurt you more
But, coward as I am, I never told you,
So in the end you never let go

I don’t love you, I don’t need you
Why can’t you just see?
Leave me alone, stop forcing me
into being just what you need,
a comfort blanket

So in the end, when I finally snapped
You took it as well as could be expected
Promised to play the game by my rules,
Saying you were just another fool
But how to keep it up?

How many times did I pay for my sin?
Letting you make me suffer so
You’re pulling me below
And not letting go
I’ve crossed my limits, my limits

I don’t love you, I don’t need you
Why can’t you just see?
Leave me alone, stop pressuring me
into something only you want
Into loving you

You offered me nothing, just friendly fun
And in return, I give all I have,
Comforting you and holding your hand
I’ve turned myself into,
Your comfort blanket

I force myself to push you away,
Obsessed as you are with loving me
You're driving me crazy so I distance myself
Before the wounds you’ve left
Get any deeper

I don’t love you, I don’t need you
Please just let me go
Stay away from me, or else you’ll pay
In more than subtle tears
Just lemme alone

This is where we say goodbye
I hope you meet another
Someone who cares and loves you as well
Someone to comfort you,
Not a placebo like me

I don’t love you, I don’t need you
Why can’t you just see?
Leave me alone, stop pressuring me
Let me slide away and fade
Into the future

I won’t be your comfort blanket….
Anymore

V2 - This one is still a little rough.

Your Comfort Blanket

Out of the blue, you declare your love
I don’t know you, just a passing name
And even though I don’t feel the same, I say yes cause I don’t wanna hurt you

I look in a mirror and see a fool,
My tears fall into an endless pool
As I’m pretending, trapped, in a counterfeit relationship.

You’re nothing more to me than a friend
So please, please, just let this end
I’m hurting inside, hurting us both, but still, you won’t let me go!

I don’t love you! I don’t need you!
Why can’t you just see?
Stay away from me or else you’ll pay,
in more than subtle tears

All you do now, is injure us more
And in return, I give all I have,
Comforting you and holding your hand
I’ve turned myself into
Your comfort blanket

I will myself to cast you away
Incessantly obsessed with loving me
You pushed me away, I distance myself
Before the wounds you’ve left
Get any deeper

I don’t love you! I don’t need you!
Why can’t you just see?
Lemme alone, stop pressuring me,
into something only you want

This is where we go our own ways
I won’t give into my weakness!
Go away and be done with you,
Farewell, so long, goodbye.

I don’t love you, I don’t need you
Please just let me go!
Leave me alone, stop pressuring me
Let me slide away and fade
Into the future

I won’t be your comfort blanket….
Anymore

Anyone?

This post has been edited by Kari&Gatomon: 01 August 2009 - 02:32 PM

[witch168]

The first one is better. The emotion is definitely there, and I can totally relate.
Um, stanza 2 line 2...knew what? Please specify in another line or something. It kinda left me hanging.
The chourus "into something only you want" sounds a little twisted over. Can you change the wording into something like...
"Leave me alone, stop forcing me
to become your comfort blanket"
Good name, by the way.
This stanza:

I will myself to cast you away
Incessantly obsessed with loving me
You pushed me away, I distance myself
Before the wounds you’ve left
Get any deeper

--was kinda confusing. The last two lines are great, but the fist three are just...confusing. Can you change the word 'will'?

Um, that's all I can do in 3 minutes, but good work!

[Kari]

I kind of wrote this one an emotion splurge. XD I'll see what I can do. I prefer the first one as well.

Let me try and explain the parts you found confusing before changing them..

In the second stanza, I knew 'insert third line here' It's a direct continuation.

I might agree with you about the chorus line, there.

To be honest, that last paragraph you mentioned was more like a summary of my efforts. XD I force myself to cast him away, because he's obsessed with loving me, he repelled me, so I distance myself from him, before the wounds he left get any deeper.

That was the basic gist of it. Are these versions better?

You took it too far, too serious.
I never wanted you, and deep inside I always knew
that when I tell the truth, it’ll just hurt you more
But, coward as I am, I never told you,
So in the end you never let go
~
I don’t love you, I don’t need you
Why can’t you just see?
Leave me alone, stop forcing me
into being just what you need,
a comfort blanket
~
I force myself to push you away,
Obsessed as you are with loving me
You're driving me crazy so I distance myself
Before the wounds you’ve left
Get any deeper

And thanks for liking the title. Glad you relate to it. XD

[witch168]

Yay, that's a lot better.
HA! now the chorus sounds a whole lot better and it makes sense.
I wish I could hear the tune, though. This is a song, right?

[Kari]

Yeah. XD When we write the music in full and polay it, I'll put it up on youtube and put a link here. XD

This one is called Nostos )homecoming) and, well, lets say homesickness drove me to write it, almost.

Nostos

School bells chime in the fog-filled morning
Red buses fly in the cold, rainy night
High wooden fences enclosing my past,
which I can visit now only in dreams.

Few can now decipher my lust
My longing to walk down each familiar street
To pass around each corner of memory
To feel, remember, smell and see.

These places I once knew long ago
So long, I can hardly remember
But deep inside, I’ll never forget
The symbols that they resemble.

But once again I return to once-known streets
To gardens, stations and high garden fences
The fresh, cool air shall fan my face,
as it has always done in dreams.

Oh Albion, kingdom of queens!
Kingdom of dreams,
The land of waves and foggy skies,
may you welcome me again.

I'm not entirely sure about the last stanza, as this is somewhere between rough and finished.

This post has been edited by Kari&Gatomon: 01 August 2009 - 02:33 PM

[VampireGiRL]

Yo guys. Me and my friends recently formed a band, and I'm working on several songs for us, along with random bits of poetry I've written over the past year ot so. I'd love CnC if you could.

This is a song inspired by a stalker-type friend of mine. I wrote the second version after I thought I'd lost the first. XD...........................................

I think that you have shown me this song before 1-2 month right?...and if I remember well....I have said that....it's really good!

This post has been edited by VampireGiRL: 10 August 2009 - 08:35 AM

[Kari]

Thanks VG! I wrote this one yesterday and I know you didn't love it, but considering I wrote it in under ten minutes, I love it. Even if I'd written it in less, I still really like it.

I saw my brother in the rear-view mirror and thought the first line and giggled. Then I thought of a short story and finally a poem. When Agatha Cristie's homonymous book (I think) came to mind, it turned to a murder poem.

Considering the way I love blood, I think I managed not to make it gruesome! XD

Mirror Cracked

I saw you in the mirror
as I was polishing the rack
You closed the door behind you
A hand behind your back.

I saw you in the mirror
as I watched as the door closed
You walked across the floorboards,
In my seat, my heartbeat froze.

I saw you in the mirror
as you came towards me
You raised your hand above me
Where only a knife could be.

I saw you in the mirror,
as you readied yourself to strike
The knife fell downwards sharply
And cut away my fright

I saw you in the mirror
as I was falling off my seat
the mirror cracked above me.
as I fell lightly at your feet.

[Blazing Elf]

Wow that poem was very good.

[Hold Your Peace]

You certainly do have a skill for poetry. The last one was very good, I could vizualize it clearly. Your sentence's flow very well and your wording is flawless.

I saw you in the mirror
as I was polishing the rack
You closed the door behind you
A hand behind your back.

That was my favorite verse, the words rolled pleasently off my tounge.

Nice Job!

Thorn Pwns

[Kari]

Thanks guys. You'll be happy to know Mirror Cracked has almost complete music. The voice is done, but we're still adding organs. I think. XD If we finish it, I'll put it up on YouTube and post a link.


This is a delightful.. thing.. I write about a year ago. I still don't feel deserving of writing philosophy. XD

RiverSong

Human emotion is like a river,
Ever-changing and unceasing.
Wherever the speed picks up and there are rapids,
Our river’s rapids are our stormy moments,
Those of anger and deepest sorrow,
And our stretches of calm waters
Are our moments of peace and tranquility,
That are distributed at random throughout the flow.

During the day, the sunlight glittering on our surface,
Is like our feeling of contentment and optimism,
That uplift the spirit and give the river joyous life,
While the foam that sprays our faces and dances merrily in the light,
Is our happiness and love for others,
Standing out for all to see against the clear waters of the river.
The clear waters, through which one can see the riverbed,
Crystal clear and cool,
Are like our moments of bravery and honesty,
That anyone can see through to our soul.

But when night comes,
And the moon shines its silvery light on the surface of the river,
Our emotions are bathed in a different light,
Twisted and alien to the day’s golden glow.
The moonlight that twinkles seductively on the calm surfaces,
Inviting us to bathe in its dark waters,
Is like human passion and lust, that mar even the purest of hearts.
As in the dark depths of the river, icy water swirls in freezing spirals,
Chilling and affecting every heart that they touch, until it is as dark as they,
So does despair and fear eat away at the human soul,
Chilling even the most benevolent of hearts,
Until only terror remains, and uncertainty, that rule the mind.

As sharp as the contrast is between the sunlit surface of the river in the glorious sun,
And the inky bed of the river, in the dead of the night,
So does love and happiness battle with hate and evil intent,
That always threaten to invade our daily purposes and thoughts,
To turn good actions into evil, love to hate,
And poison the very center of our being.
For, as difficult as it is to save an armor-clad man from the center of the rapids,
So it is hard to remove hatred and evil from a soul they have possessed.

But, as a river must run its course in both day and night,
Under both moon and sun,
So also does our soul experience both love and hate,
Both good and evil, both fear and bravery.
For neither can exist without the contrast the other side provides.

We must embrace both sun and moon,
For as our river runs, we shall experience both at different times.
But as our river runs, and we choose to live the day fully and with passion,
So too our nights will be light,
And the darkness not as heavy, not as absolute.
But if we thrive in the twilight, and take pleasure in the semi-light of the moon,
So then our days will be dimmed and the sun cold on our surface,
Unable to cast its light to the very depths of our bed,
And our waters will be cloudy and opaque.

And as between day and night, there is dusk and dawn,
We, too, shall live greatly in both,
For at those times, neither day, nor night holds (hold?) the upper hand.
So, we too shall pass from one to the other perpetually,
Until our river reaches the Sea.

[Kari]

Call me a patriot, go ahead. >.>


A futile battle
is supressing a greekling,
for he shall strike back.

A pointless struggle,
is imposing your despot,
for he shall be thrown.

A hopeless peril
is invading my country,
for she shall prevail.

[Morvich]

Kari, (I don't care if your name isn't Kari anymore, that's how I know you ^^) I love these! Would you be able to send any of your complete (Or rough) music my way? I'd love to hear them. =]

Keep writing!

[Artrain]

Very good poems Kari. I'll speak about the first one, the Comfort Blanket
I liked the second version better. There is no doubt that the first is well presented, but I think the second has more feel to it. With a little polishing it would shine very brightly. There's also the third line of the seventh stanza,

Lemme alone, stop pressuring me,

For me the word 'Lemme' stuck out. Anything softer will do very nicely.
P.S.- These were just my opinions. If you really felt what you wrote, nothing can be better...

[Kari]

Kari, (I don't care if your name isn't Kari anymore, that's how I know you ^^) I love these! Would you be able to send any of your complete (Or rough) music my way? I'd love to hear them. =]

Keep writing!

Sure. XD And keep calling me kari- I'd not reply much otherwise. XD My name surprises even me. XD

Well, the whole song is meant to be powerful, so maybe I'll not change that. It depends on the music I'll add.

And you really prefer the second one? it was created because I'd lost the first one. XD Most prefer the first.

Thanks, guys! I've got another one ready, but I have to give it to the one deserving it before I post it here.

[thesadisticdragon]

......WOW...I...I never new such poetic talent ...Im not worthy of the title poet compared to you...good work!