[darkone22]

Of Hopes And Dreams

Chapter 1: Winds of Fate ( I plan on fixing this along with some other chapters)

Chapter2: Scars

Chapter 3:Loss

Chapter 4: Swords and Tears

Chapter 5: Pain of the Brave

Chapter 6: Good Old Magic

Chapter 7: Coughs and Cobble Stones

Please note this Fan-fic will not have the ending you think it will, being a prequel and all. This story will not lead into Eragon but rather a different future that could have happened.
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Im aware that there are many mistakes. This is my second try at writting.
Comments Welcome thanks.
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Chapter one : Winds of fate

A warm sea breeze swept through Kuasta, filling the evening with a sweet seaweed aroma.

A young boy stood alone along the rocky sea shore, fiddling with his paints and parchment. He had been waiting over a week to capture this moment. It had been storming the last few days, making it impossible to witness this perfect display of nature’s beauty.

The glowing sun was setting, and the sky was a brilliant display of hot pinks, yellows and reds.

The boy took a step back, as to admire the sight for a while, and then walked slowly over to a crudely built table. He had made this table just for this painting. The table was made of a light colored wood, which he had found along the beach, and it was being supported by a large stone boulder.

On the table top were a few treasures he had found along the beach. They ranged from decretive seashells, to the rusty chain mail of a deceased soldier, long dead and forgotten. Above all else, he cherished the rusty old mail.

At times he put it on, as to get away from his troubles, pretending to be one of the legendary dragon riders of Alagaesia, cutting down his imaginary foes with his mighty sword. He imagined himself saving his love from an evil magician, and then flying off into the sunset with his dragon and his love, into the beyond.

Just as Brom wet his brush he remembered why he was there. Remembering he threw down his brush. Today was different he thought. He didn’t have time to fantasize or paint. He had to warn the town of the Urgal camp he had discovered earlier that day.

Urgals where foul treacherous animals with long rounded horns who enjoyed violence and the taste of flesh or so he was taught by his parents. He must warn them for from what he saw at their camp they were preparing for battle. His first attempt to warn them failed. Brom Thought back to earlier today.

_________________________--------flash back--------_______________________________
It was the same as any other day he and his sister were going to the shore early to watch the sunrise. It was sort of a superstation in his family. How did the saying go again oh yeah he thought I remember.

Those who miss the early suns light
Shall be cursed throughout the night

Brom was told this and many other superstations ever since he was a child. His sister was still learning much of them. Brom was given the task to make sure Rachel learned every last one so that she may grow up to be an intelligent woman or by Kuastas standards.

Rachel skipped happily while Brom trudged slowly behind her rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“You wake earlier than the elves “he mumbled. She stopped and waited for her sleepy brother. When he finally caught up she punched him playfully on the shoulder.

“That’s cause I am an elf silly” she said.

“O really. What did you do to your ears than” He teased. She opened her mouth but closed it unsure how to answer. Before she could think of a response they reached the forest in front of the shore. He paused something was different about the forest. As they entered he noticed a tree that had been punctured by four arrows. He looked at the bottom of the tree and found a black piece of silk. That’s strange he thought It almost looks Elvin. Before he could examine the silk more closely he felt a tug at his tunic.

“Race you to the sea Brom” she challenged

“Your on” he said, relieved. He didn’t feel safe after he found those arrows. They where much longer than the human ones he had seen.

“Ready set, don’t fall behind” she said

“What” he said surprised but she was already several feet in front of him.

“He wait up…..oh ow shi!” He tripped on a root from a nearby pine and fell into a sharp rosebush. His face imprinted itself on the dead leaves below. He opened his eyes and felt his blood trickle down his face. He took a deep breath swallowed the pain and stood up. He yelped and pulled a thorn from his eyelid. He brushed the leaves and dirt off his tunic and reorientated himself.

He turned and found himself face to face with a dark hooded figure with dark maroon eyes glistening like blood. His hands were pale as if there wasn’t any pigment in his hands, but yet his hair was a brilliant crimson red reflecting the bright sunlight through the trees. He looked down at Brom and smirked.

“Looking for your sister are we. Hmmm little Brom would be in quite a lot of trouble if he were to lose her” the man said.

The hairs on the back of Broms neck stood up. There was something wrong with this man. Brom’s first thought was run but his eyes made him freeze. It seemed as if they were glazed with hatred.

“Who are...?” Brom started. The man cut him off.

“I believe your sister went that way” He gestured. Brom turned to see where he had pointed.
He returned to looking at the man. He was confused, was this man a friend or foe he thought. The man broke the silence.

“I will be seeing you around Brom” the man said smiling and evaporated into black smoke.

Brom still felt shaken as he walked in the direction the man had pointed out. He had never seen magic and didn’t care to see it again if it was like that. I wasn’t scared the man’s skin or even his hair Brom thought, it was just his eyes.
They looked evil. If looks could kill Brom imagined he would already be in the void. As he walked he notice shards of arrows similar to the one he found earlier. Am I insane. I need to get out out of here and find Rachel.

Brom quickened his pace for the next few minutes until he found himself on a cliff overlooking an Urgal settlement. No that’s impossible the riders killed them off and sent what was left of them to the north he thought. Then why are they here so near to my village? His thoughts flashed back to the crimson haired man, was this his doing he thought.

Before he could answer himself he heard a voice grumble to the left,”Kerik is always putting us on patrol duty. One of these days I’m gonna break his skull.” Said the smaller of the two Urgals.

The Urgals were walking up the side of the cliff heading right towards Brom. Thinking quickly Brom dove behind the closest tree. His tunic brushed against the trunk covering it in mud. Well it could be worse he muttered at least this tree doesn’t have thorns.

The Urgals where now standing three feet away were Brom was not even 30 seconds ago.

“Well when were done Durza will free our brothers in the north” exclaimed the taller of the two. “But for now were stuck on guard duty.” he grumbled.

After, what seemed hours the Urgals scaled back down the cliff complaining about their patrol duty. Brom waited a couple more seconds before exiting his hiding place. He didn’t know where to start. Should I warn the village or find Rachel he thought. He deiced quickly. I must warn the town Rachel is old enough to find her way home by herself.

The town is more important no matter how much I love her. He turned around and sprinted all the way back to Kuasta. He was not interrupted this time.

He ran into town not bothering to greet his friend Luke or even the town blacksmith Renald. He was not even twenty feet away from his house when he heard a voice he knew too well.

“Brom you get in this house NOW!”Screamed his mom. He was used to his mother being angry. She always seemed to yell at Brom for her problems. For once Brom listened to her and was rewarded by a hard tug on the ear.

“Oww err let go” whinnied Brom as he was dragged by his ear into the living room by his angry mother.

“I will deal with you later” she whispered to Brom.

His father was in the room selling one of his farths to a hooded man and Rachel was sitting on a chair in the Kitchen humming to herself. Brom let out a sigh of relief when he saw Rachel in the kitchen. Thank the gods she’s ok he thought.

“Ahh my wife Nelda she is always yelling at my poor son” Brom heard his father Holocomb mutter to his client under his breath. Brom had to smile Holocomb always stood up for him.


“Where were we, o yes so you’ll be buying the elvish fairth for…?”

“700 Holocomb” the man said taking his hood off and releasing long flowing crimson hair. He turned and stared at Brom with his blood colored eyes and smiled. It was the man he had met in the woods. Brom eyed the silver dagger on the mantle over the fire place. I might need that he thought.

“Do you want anything to drink” Holocomb offered the man. The man returned looking at Brom's father.

“Yes a cup of salt water mead if you have it thanks” he said politely.

“Coming right up” Holocomb said. When Holocomb left the room Brom looked over at the man just long enough to catch him mouth two words, you’re dead.

Brom without thinking reached over to the mantle and grabbed the silver dagger and dove at the demon. The man didn’t even try to defend himself. He just stood there smiling. Brom’s dagger connected with, air.

How in the world he thought. He pulled back the dagger behind in a second attempt, but before he could follow through his father walked in holding a tray with drinks on it. When he saw Brom he dropped the tray. Glass shattered everywhere.

“What in the Gods name are you doing Brom” yelled his father. Brom had never heard his father this angry before.

“Your son is crazy.” The man said with artificial fear.
“I’m terribly sorry Durza.” Holocomb apologized. Brom knew that name. It was the man the Urgals in the woods where speaking of.

“Father has evil” Brom whimpered.

“Silence Brom, get out. You’ve disgraced me take your paints and paint a picture better than this fairth or you won’t be living here anymore. And you better hope it sells boy.” He father said sternly.

Brom tried to reason with him but his father just pointed to the door. Brom grabbed his paints and ran out the door dagger still in hand tears streming down his face. I guess I will paint the sun set he thought, I finally can he thought. He went to the beach to paint even if his heart wasn’t in it. He was very worried about his town. He reached the beach feeling a little better at the sight of the sun set.

____________________---------End Flashback------------------___________________________

I must warn them. He left his paints on the table and his eyes caught the old mail. I might need that he said picking it up. He put it on over his tunic and tightened the straps. He felt calmer with the mail on somehow. He drew the dagger and headed towards home. He was only going to make one stop. The forest was deathly quiet even with Brom trampling over all the sticks and dead leaves. He finally reached the cliff and looked down fearing what he would see. He looked down confirming his fear. The Urgal's village was completely abandoned. There wasn’t any trace that there had ever been inhabitants of the small wooden shanties. He didn’t need to ponder where they went he knew. He sprinted home he would stop Durza at all costs.

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Brom reached the end of the forest and was blinded by light. When he opened his eyes a horrific sight lay before him. The town he had grown up in, the town he loved was aflame. The inferno was so great that the smoke blacked out the moon. I’ve never seen so much fire he thought. Anger and adrenalin coursed through Brom's veins as he ran through the town.

The town was in chaos. Bodies of the villagers lay in piles on the streets. Urgals chased survivors around with axes hoping for some bloodshed. One Urgal snarled and charged Brom. Instinct took over. Brom side stepped the brute and stabbed him in the back. The Urgal fell with a loud thud onto the brick road.

Brom continued his lungs were on fire from all the smoke. He reached the house which to his relief was not a flame. He kicked in the door. Durza stood before him holding a red sword to Rachel’s neck.

“Hello Brom we’ve been waiting for you” he said. He waved his hand and two Urgals entered to room holding his parents.

“What do you want” Brom said.

“Nothing you can provide. The riders should be here soon and by then you will be dead” he mused.

“I’m sorry son you where right about Durza. No matter what happens we love you” Holocomb said. His mom nodded in agreement.

“Ha love what a pointless emotion. It’s the temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose.” Durza said.

“You’re wrong” Nelda said. Durza turned to her and cracked his neck. He let go of Rachel. He walked over and leaned over her shoulder and whispered in her ear

“O and whys that Nelda”

“Because love is the reason people like you never survive” she said.

“I am very much alive unlike you too” His hands glowed white and inhuman scream piecereced the night. Durza's palms dimmed to reveal two white skeletons lying in shambles on the ground. He smiled at his handiwork.

“You’re a monster” Brom said. He pulled the Dagger out of his tunic and charged Durza. Durza wasn’t expecting Brom to move that quick and was cut across the face. All that did was enrage Durza. He grabbed Brom by the neck and stabbed him in his shoulder.

Rachel let out a scream of terror as her brother dropped to the floor. Durza knelt down at Brom’s side.

“You’re capable of rage, I’ll remember that” He said. Durza stood up grabbed Rachel and evaporated into smoke along with Rachel and his Urgals.

Brom lay there slowly dying. He could barely see from losing too much blood. His vision faltered and he knew no more.
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Im having trouble making the sentances flow.

This post has been edited by darkone22: 24 November 2009 - 11:34 PM

[Day Star]

This story is actually quite good, despite a rather numerous amounts of spelling errors and some incorrect grammar. I enjoyed your portrayal of Brom. Were you trying to make him appear almost lost in the clouds? One thing, when a person says something, use a comma. Example: "Hey Brom! It is cold today," he said. Anyways, great job, keep writing, I'll certainly keep reading.

[Viva America]

You weren't supposed to exactly copy as I said you could have done it... but meh.

[witch168]

Yay! Deaths later in the chapter!!! Brom's sister right? Maybe Brom kills the urgal? Hmm, not likely, and you probably should stop the flashback right there, because it leaves too much of a gap in time. It's best to keep the flashback going until Brom reaches that beach.
To tell the truth, I really don't see how the beach scene and the flashback connect, especially if there are deaths. But I don't know everything yet, so whatever.

The boy took a step back, as ifto admire the sight for a while. Then he walked over slowly to a crudely built table.

-Remembering, he threw down his brush.

Instead of that three line verse for the superstition, how about:
Face the rising sun and pray
and keep yourselves safe today

or a two line verse like that.

[darkone22]

If anybody is reading this i need an opinion should I have a Morazan POV or another brom POV chapter

This post has been edited by darkone22: 08 August 2009 - 01:48 PM

[Day Star]

I've never seen a Morzan PoV before, so that might be cool, but in a way you don't want to get distracted from the original story... Meh, I'm all for a Morzan PoV.

[Day Star]

Good chapter! There are a couple of mistakes, especially where commas are concerned. In the beginning, I was quite confused; I actually thought that Brom had taken the name Morzan, although it did become clearer as the chapter went on.I would reword it, so it was clear Morzan had the dream. Besides that, great chapter!

[darkone22]

I fixed it

[darkone22]

Chapter 2: Scars



Morzan sat up in bed, knife drawn, teeth bared. It was already morning he had another one of his strange dreams. They have to be real they seemed to life like he thought still breathing heavily. Brom Morzan thought who was that child? Durza would never concern himself with such mortals let alone a mortal like this Brom. It doesn’t matter his corpse is laying in a pool of blood so he couldn’t have been much to Durza.

Morzan set his knife down on his bedside table and stood up. He yawned stretching his arms to the ceiling. This inn had to be the dingiest in Teirm but it was all he could afford. His life was never the same after Durza had murdered his parents on their way to Teirm. It must be a hobby of Durza’s he thought. Me now this boy Brom, he shuddered at the memory of his parent’s death along with Brom’s.

____________________------Flashback----------__________________________

Morzan stood sword in hand examining the destruction Durza had caused. His parent’s horses lay in a crumpled pile of hoofs and legs. He heard a cruel laugh behind him.

“Hello Morzan.” Durza said.
Morzan turned sword swinging. Durza raised his sword and easily blocked the blow. Durza lazily flicked his wrist and Morzan’s sword flew from his hands into the grass. Durza slashed his chest causing him to stumble and fall to all fours

“A little fight in you boy. I like that” he said licking his lips.

“I’m no boy. I’m a man my father told me so” Morzan said proudly standing back up.

“Oh did he now.” Durza teased. “Well if you’re a man you won’t be needing them.” he said gesturing at Morzan’s unconscious parents.

Durza opened his hand and they began to glow white. Morzan stood there horrified. The magic was slowly peeling the flesh off their skins. Durza's palms dimmed to reveal two white skeletons lying in the middle of the road. Morzan was shocked.

“I’d love to stay and play, but unfortunately I have some other people to attend to.”Durza said and evaporated into black smoke. Morzan sunk to his knees defeated and began to cry.

____________________-----end Flashback----_________________

He turned and faced the cracked mirror. The large red gash along his chest had started to fester and was itchy. If I don’t find a decent healer it won’t matter that escaped Durza with my life. He heard a knock at the door.

“Go away I’m in no mood to talk” he growled. Morzan was clearly a cold hearted teenager.

“But sir” Felix the bellhop pleaded. “The Riders have come with Eggs looking for new recruits”

He stopped, power, the thought interested him. I would like that very much, and if I get strong enough revenge too. Durza will finally pay for his crimes against my family.

“Sir are you listening, hello sir?” he interrupted.

“I will be out in a moment” he snapped.

“Um ok right there in the town somewhere.” Felix stuttered.

“Felix open the door.” Morzan ordered. Felix opened the door slowly. He was clearly very afraid of Morzan.

“Here” Morzan said reaching onto his dresser. Felix flinched.

“Calm down you coward. Here I don’t forget favors” he said tossing 3 coppers to Felix. Felix couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Thank you” he said he scrambled out of the room.

Spineless, but never the less useful he thought. Now id better make myself presentable for the dragon riders he thought reaching into his bag. I guess I’ll have to wear my best tunic for these corrupt fools. He pulled out a scarlet tunic embroidered with a white design of a scorpion on the upper right chest. It belonged to his father. He flung it over his head the soft cloth tinkling his calloused skin. After so many years this tunic is still as soft as the day fathers gave it to me he thought.

He rubbed the wrinkles out of heirloom and strolled over to his bed side. He picked up his knife. This thing saved my butt more than once he reflected chuckling to himself. Well best be off he thought dropping the knife in his bag.

As he left his room something caught his eye. A small gold key lay at his boots. Leaning over Morzan picked it up. Hmmm must be Felix’s he considered. Well whose ever it was its mine now he stated throwing it into his bag. Morzan continued down the dimly lit hallway keeping his head down.
This inn was named thief’s hideaway and rightfully so. The place was the refuge of all the scum and villainy in Teirm. As Morzan entered the bar below the inn he noticed several patrons passed out on the counter drool dripping out of there opened mouths. Morzan approached the bartender.
"How can I help you boy," the bartender offered sweeping the patrons off the counter. They hit the ground with a dull thud.

"Yes, I’m looking for the riders where are they," he questioned stepping over one of the patron's body.

The patron he stepped over groaned “Water.”
Morzan responded by a swift kick in the face.

"Shut up drunkard." He spat. “We are having a conversation.”

"Now was that necessary" the bartender said, but he didn’t seem to mind.

"Yes it was, now the riders." Morzan said impatiently.

"Persistent boy aren't you. Last I heard they were holding the eggs at the citadel." he said.

"Thanks," Morzan said turning towards the door.

"Hey hold up boy. I wouldn’t try to steal an egg if I were you. Them riders have ways of catching thief’s." he warned.

"I will if I must," Morzan said under his breath stepping out into the streets of Teirm. The city street was bare with no sign of life. Hmmm must be at the citadel he thought and trotted off.

______________________________________________________________________________

Morzan pushed his way through the crowd of noisy people gathered around a wooden platform in the center of the citadel. Over the heads of the crowd he could just make out a tall man around six foot holding two eggs. Morzan squinted, the eggs in the man’s right hand was a brilliant gold were as the egg in his left was bloody red.

“Silence” The man shouted over the crowd. The talking died down immediately.
“Thank you. Now you the people of Teirm have gathered today to participate in a most scared ceremony. This ceremony has been held by the dragon riders of Alagaesia since the fabled dragon wars ended and Eragon became the father of our order. Today we invite you to stand before these eggs and see if you are worthy to join our order” he uttered.

Morzan smiled this man liked to be dramatic he thought. I wonder if he ever thought about a career in acting.

“Understand that if an egg hatches for you, you must become a rider and fulfill your duty, helping the people of Alagaesia.” He said reluctantly looking down at the platform. He shook his head and returned his gaze to the crowd.

“Now if you’ll form a line” He yawned.

The crowd was instantly in chaos. Every last person was pushing and shoving trying to get a chance to touch one of the eggs. Morzan was pushed kicked punched, and trampled on. After a few minutes the crowd died down and a neat line had been formed. Morzan was laying face down on the cobblestone blood dripping from his lip. They better hope that egg doesn’t hatch for me cause if it does I’m gonna bash some of these people’s heads he mused to himself. He stood up shaking the dirt off his tunic. Now I wait he thought.

“Hey kid wake up. Hello kid you ok” The man said shaking Morzan.

“Huh waa...” Morzan said sleepily rubbing the sleep out of his eye. He looked around it was dark out except for the torches illuminating the citadel. The man who had woke him had a tired look about himself as if he hadn’t slept in years. It’s the rider he thought.

“You fell asleep in line” The rider informed him. He helped Morzan to his feet.

“The eggs are they still here. Please I must touch one” Morzan said worried that he missed his chance.

“Calm down boy. The gold egg is still in my possession.” He said pulling the egg out of his cloak. The flames danced on the yellow shell making it look more and more like gold. Morzan grabbed the egg greed in his eyes. As soon as he touched the egg a presence assaulted his mind. The pain was unbearable. He dropped the egg and fell to the ground screaming clutching his head. A familiar voice entered his mind.

“Found an egg did we.” Durza snickered. “I think I’ll be taking that.”

“No you won’t be Durza.” Said another presence.

“Vetren!?” Durza said. For the first time Morzan heard fear in Durza’s voice.

“Still trying to get an egg I see” Vetren said.

“I will you’ll see” Durza said fading from Morzan’s mind. The pain ceased.

“So you met Durza” Vetren said.

“Yeah, he killed my parents.” Morzan spitefuly.

“As he did mine” Vetren said sadly. This man is in his sixties he thought. How could Durza have killed his parents when Durza only seemed to be in his twenties?

“Morzan Durza is a shade.” Vetren said seriously.

“A what,” Morzan said.

“A shade. A Shade is a type of sorcerer or sorceress who has summoned a spirit or spirits that he or she couldn't control, and consequently became possessed by it or them in both mind and body, either forced or willingly. Shades are always evil, and have superhuman abilities. A Shade can only be killed by being stabbed through the heart. Durza is currently the only shade in Alagaesia but he is more powerful than most riders.” He stated blandly.

“Did he ever cut you with a red blade” he said sounding worried.

“Yes my chest” he said lifting his tunic, the wound had turned black and was festering. Fear shone in Vetren’s face.

“How long have you had that” he said slowly.

“Why” Morzan said nonchalantly.

“Well depending on when Durza cut you. You could have a day to live or a week” he said grabbing his garb. “Come with me” he ordered.

“Where are you taking me” Morzan whinnied, as he was dragged towards the citadel.

“If you want to live Id shut up and follow me” Vetren said releasing Morzan.

“Fine Then” he said rubbing his neck. Morzan stood at the brilliant silver gate of Teirm's inner citadel. The gates are massive he thought. I feel sorry for whoever thinks they can take Teirm.

“Morzan do you want to die” veteran said he was already thought the gate.

“Huh wa- No” he said catching up to Vetren. The silver gate slammed shut behind them. Morzan found himself in a stone corridor. The walls were lined with weapons, all polished and sharp.

“Ah yes the twenty weapons of Teirm” he said as they walked. “They are this city’s most prized possessions. They were crafted by the best human forgers and saw the end of king palancer.” He told Morzan.

He eyed the dagger with greed. Vetren is not looking he thought and reached for the dagger.

“O and I wouldn’t try to steal that” Vetren said without turning around. “If you intend to live I'd hurry up.”

Stupid old bat he thought. That dagger’s getting rusty on that wall I could’ve put in it to good use. After about five minutes they reached a staircase.

“Where are we going” he said frustrated.

“To meet a friend” he said calmly. A friend he thought. At the top of the citadel this man is crazy?
They reached the top before them stood a brilliant silver dragon. Its scales reflected the torch light almost making it look red.

“Meet Eletis” Vetren said proudly. He walked over and patted her snout.

“A-a-a Dragon” He stuttered.

Vetren laughed for the first time. “Yes and a beautiful one at that” he said nuzzling her head. Eletis responded with a low purr. After they finished greeting Eletis turned to Morzan. You coming kid a voice said in his head.
________________________________________________________________________________

Im gonna end it there. Comments please. O and it wont be the last time Morzan finds himself facing those gates. Comments please.

[Aramus Shurtugal]

Hi, just finished reading and you've got a good sstory here. But what happened to Brom? I mean in you Morzan chapter you said that 'He was a corpse in a pool of his own blood'. Anyway you need something I just can't tell what...

[darkone22]

Yeah I know. And Brom was stabbed in the shoulder from Durza.

[Aramus Shurtugal]

I know that he was stabbed in the shoulder by Durza, what I men is this, is he dead or alive. I am eagerly awaiting your next chapter.

[darkone22]

I know its a bit short the second half should be up soon. Please comment. Im not sure how to write a rider and his/her dragon are talking, please help.



Chapter three: Not sure what to mane it yet


Brom awoke in the charred remains of his house. His head lay on a pile of burnt wood. He felt broken in body and soul. My parents are dead he thought, my sister captured by that demon, and I’m burned and slowly bleeding to death feeling his shoulder. He quickly pulled back his hand. It was covered in a mixture of ash and fresh blood. I’m lucky to be alive he thought and ripped off part of his tunic. Brom tied the cloth around his shoulder. It’s not perfect but it will do he thought sitting up. Pain shot through his shoulder. He cringed it feels as if on I’m on fire he thought. Brom took a moment to take his surroundings all in, or what remained of them. The town of Kuasta had been razed to the ground. All that remained was piles of ash and burnt wood. Some of the trees around the town where still burning, and the only sign of life was the forest by the ocean. Brom struggled to his feet. He took a step and fell back down. Ahhh my leg he thought. Brom rolled up his pants and found another wound there was a large black burn on his leg. He winced and stood back up. He took two steps and passed out from the pain.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Durza’s already been here” Delilah said dismounting her dragon into the ashes of kuasta

“No you think,” Rhodri mused. He dismounted also and began searching the town for survivors.
Rhodri always finding humor in everything she thought to herself. He wouldn’t take his own funeral seriously.

“You’re the one who married him” Esterni said entering her riders mind.

“I know but he can be annoying sometimes” Delilah sighed.
Esterni could tell something was troubling her.

“What is it Delilah” Esterni said soothingly.

“Its tha-th-that vision” she said upset.

“Is it...” Esterni said.

“O just let me show you” she was crying now.

A flowing torrent of images splashed into Esterni’s mind. What she saw horrified her. Dorú Araeba was burning she could hear the dying screams of people and dragons alike. Fifteen dragons encircled the reminisce of the riders city like vultures. She could just made out a color of one dragon, saphire blue. The image began to blur and fade until it was gone. Esterni was speechless.

“You see” she said wiping the tears from her eyes. “We are in danger.”

Esterni spoke up. “Don’t worry it was just a dream.”

“We’ve been partners for twenty-one years. I can tell when you don’t mean something.” Delilah said.

“Fine I don’t believe it was a dream nor was it the future. I think it’s a warning” Esterni said tersely.

“I agree” she said sadly “We must get back to work now.” closing off their connection. They went separate ways. Now to find survivors she said extending her conscience. She felt nothing except for insects and small rodents living in the ground below her. Impossible she thought Durza couldn’t have killed them all it’s not his style.

“You found any one yet” Esterni said reopening the connection

“Hmm No not yet” She extended her conscience farther she brushed across faint sign of life. She entered its mind it was a young boy maybe 13.

“Found one” she said to Esterni. Sending her an image of his location

“Ok I’ll be there in a moment”

The boy was about 50 yards away lying face down in rubble. Delilah walked over to him stepping over wood and half burned bodies. She knelt down and rolled his body over. His hair was brown and messy. His face was cut and burned everywhere. This kids in worse shape than I thought. She unbuttoned his tunic frightened what she might find under it. His chest was burned badly. He had a crude tourniquet wrapped around his left shoulder. She untied it and he hands were greeted with a stream of blood. Eww disgusting immediately removing her hands. Regaining her composure she held her hand over the wound.

“Waise Heill” She said letting the magic flow through her. Her hand glowed indigo. Despite her effort the wound kept on bleeding. She tried once more with the same result and once more. Nothing, this is Durza’s work she thought grimly. I’d better heal his other wounds she said ripping off his tunic. She began healing the major wounds on his body she ignored the small bruises and cuts.

“A-a-are you an an angel” a raspy voice said. The voice tickled her pointed ears.
Delilah looked around confused.

“Down Here” the boy managed to say. She looked down relieved.

“You’re ok” she said joyfully. “And No I’m not an angel.” She laughed. “What is your name?”

“Brom” he wheezed.

“Well Brom your going to be alright, draumr” she said soothingly. Brom’s eyes drifted closed and began to dream. She healed the rest of his wounds and picked him up. He’s lighter than most humans she thought to herself.

"Esterni where are you?" she said. She was greeted by an image of a dead deer, and one word, lunch.

“Now? This boy is barely alive “she said sharply

“So am I. I’m hungry!”

“Fine but hurry he doesn’t have much time” she said throwing him over her shoulder. She headed back towards the center of the town. Burning down a whole town she thought to herself, why? Durza is clever he doesn’t do things without reason. He usually has an intelligent plan she thought remembering his attempt to steal an egg at a ceremony in Belatona. He would have escaped if not for Vetren. She grinned; Vetren was the only person Durza seemed to fear.

“I’m Near” Esterni said. Delilah looked up. She almost dropped Brom. Esterni was fifty feet above them and closing fast. She closed her eyes and braced for impact but it never came. There was a light thud to the left and laughing filled her mind.

“Haha you still fall for that even after so many years” Esterni said amused that she was able to scare an elf.

“Well I recall last year you accidently landed on Rhodri last year on our anniversary” She said.
“What do you mean accidently” Esterni joked. Delilah just rolled her eyes.

“Of course” she said.

“So who’s the scrawny fellow.” Esterni said lowering herself to the ground so Delilah could strap Brom to the saddle.

“His names Brom. He thinks I’m an angel.”

_______________________________________________________

Thanks for reading.

[Day Star]

Not a bad chapter, good length and could catch a reader's interest. It is great you are describing how people say said, such as "said joyfully", or "said tersely", but it would be a good idea to add some other words, like muttered, growled, cursed, etc. Of course, don't go insane with it, but try to find a happy medium between said and all the other words you can use.

Remember, when speaking, use a comma. "I can't do it," she said. It really is very important to have that, because, for me at least, proper punctuation means the difference between me reading a story or not. I know it is irritating to do every time, but try.

I liked the brief dream you described, it was both interesting and intriguing. I'd suggest using it, not having it be just a dream, because that would be a waste of time and effort.

So over all, good job, I think your writing is already improving. I look forward to the next up date.

[darkone22]

Thank you, you don't know how much feedback means to me. I have been trying to right more like you said it has helped a great deal. That whole thing wasn'ta dream he woke up in the riders camp. I will explain later. Once again thank you and i will work on the commas quote.

This post has been edited by darkone22: 01 September 2009 - 06:35 PM