[seprateraera]

Blodhbun
Chapter One



Eragon sat in a meditative trance on a glade which dropped off in a cliff. Eragon’s majestic partner in life, Saphira lay with her tail curled around him. Though both of them were soaked in rain, they would not abandon meditating, for Eragon was trying to glue the last dregs of his heart together. His father figure and mentors where now dead, slain above Gil’ead by the traitor Murtagh .
Eragon knew almost every detail about their master’s death for Gleadr; ancient, wise Gleadr Gave Eragon his Eldunari Before they left the seclusion of Du Weldenvarden to fight with the Elves. He knew that the evil king Galbatorix had possessed Murtagh and Thorn, His dragon that had its growth accelerated with dark magic. Murtagh was a name slave, Galbatorix had his true name.

“These thoughts are getting me nowhere!” Exclaimed Eragon, his brows shaping a very prominent V on his forehead..

“Little one, let us retire for the day, this is getting worse.

He sighed, “Yes Saphira ,I believe you’re right.”

“Humph ,What else is new”, Said Saphira in her usual witty voice. Eragon managed a slight smile before it slipped off his face. Inadvertently his mind slipped to Arya. Arya, confusing Arya, whom Eragon loved, But she had said that it couldn’t ever be in the language of no lies. Saphira finally intervened in Eragon’s brooding by sending him happy memories. He sighed in obvious relief as he thought of lighter things.

Saphira snorted, “Eragon, someone is in your tent but I don’t recognize them.”

Eragon laughed in exhilaration as he drew Brisngr and a man wearing a mask stepped out of his tent. The man shielded his mind in the strongest mental armor he’d ever seen and drew his sword so fast Eragon almost missed it.

“D@mn!”
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Sorry its going so slow but It’ll speed up in the next 2-3 chapters

Chapter two
The Masked man Gave a vertical slash which Eragon had trouble parrying the strong blow. Eragon then had an inkling of what he was facing. They exchanged a flurry of heavy blows, all of them aimed at a vital area. Whoever gave him the strength wasn’t of the Empire, they needed him and Saphira for mother of the dragon race. This was a lone actor.
Eragon did a clockwise leg sweep that the man jumped …and Brisingr went from his right hand to his left. Eragon was now under the man so he thrust up through the man’s heart. As the man fell his hood fell off and there lay none other than…Fadawar of the tribes people. As Eragon slid his sword out of Fadawar’s stomach, Nasauda and Arya arrived with a contingent of Nighthawks Approached at great speed. Nasuada, the leader of the Varden was dark-skinned beauty among humans, but Eragon had only eyes for the elf. She of the raven black hair and emerald eyes. Her eyes were slanted and her ears pointed. She gave him a blank stare at the moment, instead of that uncertain smile he adored. He could already smell crushed pine needles.

“What happened here,” commanded Nasauda.

“This man was in my tent, he disabled my wards and he carries an emblem shaped to look like a dragon that was given to me” ,Exclaimed Eragon, “And he killed an elf. There’s no energy in the gems of my equipment and they were full.”

“Eragon, I want to see you in my tent immediately!” exclaimed Nasuada. “this man was the chieftain of the desert tribes. They will not take this well. Besides, I have a mission for you.

“Aye Lady Nasuada, I need to change out of these wet clothes.”

She simply nodded and left. Eragon entered his tent and changed clothes quickly. He sat on his bed and tried to organize his thoughts. It had rained since the attack on Fienster the day before; a constant dreary drizzle that wouldn’t go away. For Eragon it helped him think and go through his feelings. He felt grief for his masters, hate for Galbatorix, and pity for Murtagh, confusion over Arya, and he also felt responsible for Fadawar’s death welling up inside of him.

“There is little I understand about the people around me but you, Saphira.

“That is how it is meant to be, Little One. If we understood the ones around us, then we would know there true names, and you know what that did to the dragons. If we understood the ones around us, then we would be powerful, but would people trust us? Nay, this is how it is meant to be.” Eragon sighed in relief and left for Nasuada’s tent.

As he walked through the rain, he came to realize that Saphira was correct. When he arrived at Nasuada’s tent, he felt Arya was there too. He changed his face into a blank mask and entered the tent and, not looking at Arya, bowed to Nasauda.

“My Lady,” said Eragon, “you requested my presence?”

“Yes Eragon, I did. You, Arya and Saphira are to go to Beletona and talk to the latest Lord or Lady, as they are flying a flag of truce.”

“Even on Saphira it is a two day journey without extra weight. I can make it back here in four days if I go alone, three if we fly through the night on the way back. I request to go alone.”

“No Eragon, I prefer that she goes with you.”

“Fine she can come along.” Eragon glanced at Arya with that same blank stare and said, “Pack and meet me at the north gate in an hour.”

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it’s a bit longer this time, but I’m thinking about putting an Arya or Saphira POV in
R&R please.

This post has been edited by seprateraera: 07 August 2009 - 04:12 PM

[soldierofwill]

Good start for your first fan-fic. Although you need more description. For instance You had Eragon sitting on a cliff but then you say he's drenched in rain, the first mental picture is a bit deceiving. Also you moved to fast. One minute he's at the cliff then hes at his tent . You had little to no emotion. I know it is hard at first but you will get better at this pace I know from experience and good criticism. .
Your newly interested reader soldierofwill. Bye

[seprateraera]

Enjoy third Chapter ha I can see your faces at the end





Chapter Three-Indifference

Eragon was leaning against Saphira at the north gate of Fienster, a heavy scowl on his face. The rain was slowing down, but only slightly. Saphira seemed to share his anger , with a hint hunger in her eyes. She was sitting, with a raised wing to shield her rider from the rain. Arya finally appeared looking confused and distracted.

“You’re late, Arya.” he said this tonelessly, as though merely noting something inconsequential. “It seems Orik was right ; the only time elves have is late or even later.” this time however was humor under the statement.

Though she had her emotions showing now that they were alone, she recoiled behind it at is bearing and condescendence. “And I suppose your always on time?”

“I’ve been late twice before; once because of an assination attempt in Farthen Dur, the other because of Murtagh. So no, I haven’t.”

“Are you two ready to go or do you want to keep bickering in the rain?” asked Saphira, interrupting their banter.

“Of course Saphira, I became distracted. It won’t happen again. He said this caringly, with love etched on his face. Arya thought he was back to his normal self, but when he turned back to Arya, he had the blank face back on.

“I hereby give Arya Shadeslayer permission to circumvent my wards temporarily. You can now mount Saphira.” He jumped into the saddle and motioned to Arya to hurry. She took a deep breath and jumped up after him and wrapped her arms around his hard waist. She sighed inwardly to herself as she remembered the mistake she had made.
_____________________Flashback______________________________________________

“Daughter, swear to me you won’t distract him while he is here under Oromis. Swear it or be exiled from the forests!!” Exclaimed Izlanzadi.

Arya, with tears in her eyes whispered, “I swear.”
She had wept on her bed for nights. Then Eragon had made the fairth of her. She had smashed it in the anger of the promise she had made. Then came the Blood-Oath Celebration. She had cried that night, though she was glad she was leaving.
___________________End of Flashback__________________________________________

Thirty minutes into the flight, she reached for Eragon’s mind. To her surprise he slammed up walls as tough of Brightsteel. Instead of opening up again like she thought he would, he said out loud, “What is it ,Arya?” He sounded frustrated and worried.

“I thought you might want a conversation while we fly,” even though she had to shout to be heard her voice still sounded small.

“No Arya.” He sounded kind, but he still withheld the reason to himself. Arya was shocked. No matter how rude she was to him, he had been kind to her always.

“Saphira?”

“Yes?”

“What’s wrong with Eragon? He’s so withdrawn.”

“His thoughts are his own, Arya. Only he can decide when and if you may hear them.” Unlike Eragon, she let Arya in her mind, but Saphira blocked her mind from Eragon’s.

“I’ll Give you a hint, Emerald Eyes. It was a dream he had, except he thinks it is a premonition." She sent her a picture of a meadow with a river she’d never seen before running through the middle of it. In the middle of the river stood a stone platform with a statue of a closed dragon claw protruding from it. A figure approached it, and Arya identified him as Eragon. As he touched the claw it opened to reveal a black stone with white veins. “Not a stone, youngling, an egg,” said Saphira.

This post has been edited by seprateraera: 06 August 2009 - 10:22 PM

[seprateraera]

Chapter Four- Love
Eragon POV
Eragon thought of the dream that has been haunting him for three days. “Where could it be, Saphira?”

“I know not young one, try to ask Gleadr when we stop for camp.

“Then stop and I can ask; I tire of flying with Arya here anyway.”

“You are doing well, Eragon, albeit rude.”

“It makes it easier, Saphira. You know its harder to keep myself in check when I show her who I am. So I keep myself inside.”

“She will confront you later, you know this to be true.”

“I can handle it, though I may end up sleeping under your wing tonight.” He smiled grimly then said “Though I may do it anyway. I miss waking up seeing your wing. Find us a place to sneak off to“. He then realized they were nearing a cliff face in a lone mountain to the west of the Jiet river . As Saphira landed, Eragon jumped off her back with graceful ease and walked to the west. Arya was still sitting in the saddle trying to get out.

Eragon heard Arya call his name and turned with his face a mask to find her still in the saddle, trying to get out. Suddenly he couldn’t help himself; he laughed. He tried to stop and resume his blank face but couldn’t. He remembered trying to dismount after brom made Saphira her saddle, he had fallen off. When his laughter died down to the occasional chuckle, he climbed up Saphira’s side and lifted Arya’s lithe form. He tried to climb down, but his foot slipped on her smooth scales and he landed on his back with Arya straddling him and her face inches from his. He held his breath and waited for her to move but she didn’t. Her sparkling green eyes glinted with an emotion he couldn’t see from this angle, and her sensuous lips smiled as she leaned down to brush her lips against his and whispered “We always end up in awkward positions, don’t we Eragon?

He could hardly breathe but he managed to let out a hoarse “Yes.”

Arya POV
As they landed after a long flight, Arya realized she couldn’t move from the saddle. She called out to Eragon, and his face went blank. Then he laughed uproariously then tried to help her out of the saddle. When he fell and she was straddling him, her instinct took over and she forgot everything; every fiber of her being cried for what she had so rigorously repressed, Eragon. She instantly leaned down and brushed her lips with his.

“We always end up in awkward positions, don’t we Eragon.”

She heard his barely whispered “yes” They then opened minds and then let thoughts speak to each other. As Saphira Curled around them and extended her wing over the couple.
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No they didn’t do anything. Next chapter should be up in 2-12 hours
Note should be is the key statement. Next chapter they get to Belatona and get a surprise

[soldierofwill]

Hmmm... I see you are a very big ExA fan. You already have her kiss him in the fourth chapter. . Again you move very fast. You MUST add more description, you could describe what the two wear. You could describe the surrounding area or how the world passed beneath Saphira with each powerful beat. . All in all I loved it! Your emotions were a bit better at chapter 4. Ok thats it for now.
Your interested reader soldierofwill, bye

[seprateraera]

Hmmm... I see you are a very big ExA fan. You already have her kiss him in the fourth chapter. . Again you move very fast. You MUST add more description, you could describe what the two wear. You could describe the surrounding area or how the world passed beneath Saphira with each powerful beat. . All in all I loved it! Your emotions were a bit better at chapter 4. Ok thats it for now.
Your interested reader soldierofwill, bye

Have another chapter!Chapter Five-Freedom and Dragon Magic

Finally, A Murtagh POV!

As Murtagh woke up in his small cramped room, his grief washed over him so hard that he almost passed back out. It hit him like a wall of bricks,, but inwardly something clicked.

“Thorn!” He cried out mentally, instinctually, but he was out hunting. As he realized he was completely alone, he realized Thorn was truly feeling remorse, not a usual emotion for a dragon. Though their connection was tenuous at such a distance, he felt the overpowering emotion. He realized that he was on the way back. Murtagh looked at his surroundings; a cot in the back of the room, a table on the opposite side of the bed with a basin, a sword of red and a bulging bag of what he knew were Eldunari. The walls were of black stone, but the floor, as it was throughout the castle, was gold.
Murtagh felt different since that fateful battle over Gil’ead; he was a changed man, he could feel it. He wondered if he had achieved what he and Thorn had tried to do for months…

“Do you think we could leave Thorn?”

“ He told you not to think about that didn’t he? I’m waiting on you anyway. Lets go!!” said Thorn. Murtagh quickly belted on Zar’roc, splashed his face with water from the basin, and grabbed the bag of Eldunari, and headed to the dungeons.

“Murtagh, I’m up here!”

“I Know that Thorn, I have to get a few things.”

“Alright.”

Murtagh took a left and headed down a set of rarely used steps. He approached a door with a bas-relief of a dragon on it. He muttered a long list of words in the ancient language and the door opened slowly to reveal a great hall with rows of pedestals of stone with Eldunarya on them. However, at the top of a platform stood an intricately carved wooden pedestal. Upon this Stood a large emerald green stone. He quickly grabbed this and the four largest Eldunarya, then went to the back wall.

There on the wall were hundreds of swords in differing sizes, shapes and colors. He took ten swords; three blue ones, a gold one, a white one, three black swords, an orange one, and finally a green one. Murtagh sealed the room back and headed for the nearest window. Thorn was already there, red, majestic, sad-eyed Thorn .However, his eyes were sad no more, now they sparkled with hope. Murtagh hopped on his back as thorn, with speedy, smooth wing beats, headed south.

“To the Varden?” asked Thorn formally.

“To the Varden.” Murtagh confirmed in a sure voice.
SPOILER:Someone of importance dies in the next chapter
If you guess Right I'll tell you where ythe Black egg is

[soldierofwill]

Jeez slow it down . Your on your fifth chapter, ExA are together Murtagh + Thorn are free and you are already killing someone off!? Wow you need to slow down, add filler chapters not just a bunch of action chapters. . Also you have improved in emotions but not in allot in descriptions.
Your interested reader soldierofwill, bye

Edit: Is it Roran? Nasuada? Murtagh? Thorn?
Sorry I'm interested .

This post has been edited by soldierofwill: 07 August 2009 - 09:00 PM

[Eragon S Bromsson]

Yeah, SoW is right. You must slow it down.

And I think you can make the chapters longer. There is hardly much content, and you are getting straight to the point. I liked how you did the ExA but you must add descriptions. You can tell us where Arya's leg was stuck, or the surrounding of the place where they land.

Does Orrin Die? Roran? Horst?

I don't know, it could be anyone...

Your reader

ESB

This post has been edited by Eragon S Bromsson: 28 September 2009 - 11:03 PM

[Total fan of Arya]

I agree with everyone that you definitely need to slow down a little. I don't mind the action, its just that there's hardly anything in between. Still, I love your story.
Does Roran die? Nasuada? Murtagh/Thorn? I'm just making wild guesses here.

[dutch Eragon fan]

Hey when are you updating? I liked the chapters but i agree with everyone: slow done!
Not dat I mind it I really liked it.

When are you updating again?

Keep up the good work

Your new reader DEF


P.s how much chapters dow you gona make?

[giorgia]

Just finished reading it though I can say that it's good so far but yeah a little fast-paced.
Anyway, it seems that it's almost a couple of weeks since your last chapter. I agree with DEF, when will you update?. I think this will be a good book as well.