[Landen]

This is my first fanfiction and I am not very good at dialogue. plz tell me what needs changed and be brutally honest if need be too.




Description: Lenden has lived alone since an attack 10 years ago on Dras-leona killed her parents. Now, after a night stealing, someone has followed her home. note: the varden won the fight and galby is dead



Lendon made a left turn as she hurried to her home in the cellar of an abandoned building in Dras-Leona. She had learned to steal gold in order to get food and she was a notorious thief throughout the city. As soon as she reached her home, Lendon fell onto a mattress and slept.
*****

Lendon knew she wasn't alone the moment she woke. She scrambled up and looked at a man sitting on her chair. Or was he a man? He had pointed ears like the elves that she somtimes saw in the citadel of Dras-Leona. The stranger held up a gold necklace she had stolen the night before. " Why do you steal?" he asked her. Lendon said nothing, but tried to run. Instantly, an invisible force stopped her legs and pinned her arms to her side. "I will release you once you answer my questions," the stranger said as he walked around her to look her in the eyes. "Why do you steal?" he asked again. "Where is your family?" Lendon tried to move but was still trapped "My family was killed during the attack made by the Varden on this city ten years ago. I have had to fight and steal to survive." The stranger's face was hard to read. Finally: "My name is Jarsha, and I am a Dragon Rider. My dragon is Eridor. I won't force you, but please come with me." The invisible force dissolved as Jarsha walked away.

[Pixel]

Next time please make sure to look to make sure you put your topic in the right place, this goes in Inheritance Fan Fiction.

Good luck with the story!

[soldierofwill]

I liked the beginning but it was a little confusing at first. So the Varden won and Galby is dead, right? I see you also made Jarsha a new rider. The emotions and descriptions lacked allot. Although you did add a little bit around some parts. But I saw no mistakes but I don't have that good of an eye for that.
Overall great job. Have fun with it, don't rush it, and again have a great time.
Your interested reader soldierofwill, bye

[Pixel]

I've noticed people always comment about lacking emotions. One doesn't have to stuff emotional lines into every paragraph. Especially since the first paragraph was an action scene; you can't slow it down by mentioning how a character is feeling at the moment.

Sometimes the events themselves speak many more emotions than emotional descriptions.

[darkone22]

Great start Landen. I suggest making longer chapters.