[baneofdurza]

PROLOUGE
TELEPORT TO LITTLE HENGLETON
FASTER SHRUIKIN FASTER YOU STUPID F***ING DRAGON Galbatorix screamed mentally as he flew over the haderac desert Galbatorix was speeding towards a portal he created on the otherside of the desert
I WOULD BE FASTER IF I WERE FREE FROM YOU YOU B*STARD muttered Shruikin in the small hidden section of his brain
"DEYJA" cried Galbatorix as he saw an elf running toward the varden camp
I HATE TO ADMIT IT SHRUIKIN BUT I STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST THOSE TERRORISTS THE VARDEN AND SHURTUGAL ABR ZAR'ROC HAS NOT RETURNED FROM GILIAD WITH THE FIFTY ELDUNARYA I GAVE HIM BUT I SUPPOSE I CAN KILL HIM WHEN HE GETS TO URU'BAEN IF HE HAS JOINED THE VARDEN
In the hidden section of his mind Shruikin had pure relief at the idea of the blue rider beheading the traitor on his back. And i will help them somehow but i am still a name and eldunari slave
In the distance there was a black sphere of light that gave one a feeling of absoloute dread only three days ago had Galbatorix discovered the spell to transport one to another world and he was going to gain followers by force speed was of the essance because if Shruikin missed the speed by a micromillimeter per hour they would be thrown of course

As they entered the portal Galbatorix cried with glee and he saw a few scenes of this world he saw a man pointing a stick and muttering a two words to kill a man the he headed upstairs in what Galbatorix saw as the strangest house ever then he aimed a wand at a woman and kill a woman with a green flash then aim the wand at a baby and while this was happening Galbatorix was formulating this mans true name and he came up one word in the ancient language it ment pure evil this mans true name was VOLDERMORT

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUN DUN DUN DUN
the nickname he fasioned himself (Lord Voldermort) happened to be his true name

This post has been edited by baneofdurza: 30 January 2010 - 03:11 AM

[Starfire 818]

PROLOUGE
TELEPORT TO LITTLE HENGLETON
"Faster, Shruikin, faster you stupid F***ING dragon," Galbatorix screamed mentally as he flew over the haderac desert.
He was speeding towards a portal he created on the otherside of the desert.

[i]I would be faster if I were free from you, you B*STARD, muttered Shruikin in the small hidden section of his brain.

"Deyja" cried Galbatorix as he saw an elf running toward the varden camp.
I hate to admit it, Shruikan, but I stand no chance against those terrorists and the Varden. Shur'tugal abr Zar'roc has not returned to Gilead with the fifty Eldunarya I gave him, but I suppose I can kill him when he gets back to Urur'baen if he has joined the Varden.

In the hidden section of his mind Shruikin had pure relief at the idea of the blue rider beheading the traitor on his back. And i will help them somehow but i am still a name and eldunari slave, Shruikan thought privately.

In the distance, there was a black sphere of light that gave one a feeling of absoloute dread. Only three days ago, had Galbatorix discovered the spell to transport one to another world and he was going to gain followers by force speed. It was of the essance because if Shruikin missed the speed by a micromillimeter per hour they would be thrown off course.

As they entered the portal, Galbatorix cried with glee and he saw a few scenes of this world. He saw a man pointing a stick and muttering a two words to kill a man the he headed upstairs in what Galbatorix saw as the strangest house ever. Then he aimed a wand at a woman and killed the woman with a green flash. Then he aimed the wand at a baby. While this was happening, Galbatorix was formulating this man's true name and he came up one word in the ancient language it ment pure evil. This mans true name was VOLDERMORT.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUN DUN DUN DUN
the nickname he fasioned himself (Lord Voldermort) happened to be his true name

Here's my critique, think of it what you will:
1) Use puntuation.
2) Don't use all caps, we have exclamation points to show emotion for a reason.
3) Describe more of the process if what Shrukian had to do else they would be off course.
4) Use more emotions when Shruikan is thinking in the back of his mind.
5) Make it longer.

The plot of the story seems rather interesting. I can't tell with simply the prolouge, but this oculd turn to be something interesting. Keep writing, don't let my critique discourage you!
Starfire

[baneofdurza]

PROLOUGE
TELEPORT TO LITTLE HENGLETON
"Faster, Shruikin, faster you stupid F***ING dragon," Galbatorix screamed mentally as he flew over the haderac desert.
He was speeding towards a portal he created on the otherside of the desert.

[i]I would be faster if I were free from you, you B*STARD, muttered Shruikin in the small hidden section of his brain.

"Deyja" cried Galbatorix as he saw an elf running toward the varden camp.
I hate to admit it, Shruikan, but I stand no chance against those terrorists and the Varden. Shur'tugal abr Zar'roc has not returned to Gilead with the fifty Eldunarya I gave him, but I suppose I can kill him when he gets back to Urur'baen if he has joined the Varden.

In the hidden section of his mind Shruikin had pure relief at the idea of the blue rider beheading the traitor on his back. And i will help them somehow but i am still a name and eldunari slave, Shruikan thought privately.

In the distance, there was a black sphere of light that gave one a feeling of absoloute dread. Only three days ago, had Galbatorix discovered the spell to transport one to another world and he was going to gain followers by force speed. It was of the essance because if Shruikin missed the speed by a micromillimeter per hour they would be thrown off course.

As they entered the portal, Galbatorix cried with glee and he saw a few scenes of this world. He saw a man pointing a stick and muttering a two words to kill a man the he headed upstairs in what Galbatorix saw as the strangest house ever. Then he aimed a wand at a woman and killed the woman with a green flash. Then he aimed the wand at a baby. While this was happening, Galbatorix was formulating this man's true name and he came up one word in the ancient language it ment pure evil. This mans true name was VOLDERMORT.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUN DUN DUN DUN
the nickname he fasioned himself (Lord Voldermort) happened to be his true name

Here's my critique, think of it what you will:
1) Use puntuation.
2) Don't use all caps, we have exclamation points to show emotion for a reason.
3) Describe more of the process if what Shrukian had to do else they would be off course.
4) Use more emotions when Shruikan is thinking in the back of his mind.
5) Make it longer.

The plot of the story seems rather interesting. I can't tell with simply the prolouge, but this oculd turn to be something interesting. Keep writing, don't let my critique discourage you!
Starfire

thanks for the quick reply i'll update tommorow and then daily after that (Sydney time)

[baneofdurza]

Chapter 1
The lightning struck tower (From HBP)
(Harry Potter POV)


Harry apperated away from the cave and into the village of hogesmede with his eyes on the castle what he saw filled him with dread.
Above Hogwarts was the Dark Mark Voldermort and his Death Eaters calling card Dumbledore was only starting to regain his energy from drinking the enchanted potion.
"Sir are you o.k. to use a broom" he asked
"I think so Harry" replied Dumbledore staring at the Dark Mark
Suddenly there was a racket behind them and Madem Rosmerta stumbled out of the three broomsticks "Dumbledore? Harry?"
"Madem Rosmerta do you have any brooms in the three broom sticks" (excuse the pun)

"Yes, I'll just go get them, accio."

There came a wizzing sound and two brooms came wizzing out the door Harry and Dumbledore sped towards the castle dissarming the spells around it as they went by the time they got two the wall there was a hole in the enchantments just big enough for them to fit through.
They made it to the battlements and landed in the astronomy tower and Dumbledore collapsed

"Harry put your clock on go get Severus don't talk to anyone on the way there"
Harry was about to argue due to his distrust of Snape but went any way when suddenly
"EXPELLIARMIS"
Harry froze up and realized that Dumbledore had non-verbally frozen him while someone had disarmed him
"Ah Mr Malfoy how are you this fine night?" said Dumbledore
"who else is here?" asked Draco Malfoy
"oh no-one just up here to see who died"
"no-one yet but that Dark Mark up there will be for your death"
suddenly there was a racket ehind them and several Death Eaters came running up the stairs including Bellatrix, Fenrir, Yaxley, Alecto and Amycus
"Do it, Do the deed" Bellatrix whispered
"He doesn't have the stomach, Let me do it in my own way" whispered Fenrir
"No it must be him, do it Draco"
"QUIET" said a voice
Severus Snape walke up the stairs and next to Draco
"Severus please" pleaded Dumbledore
"AVADA KEDAVERA" saidsnape pointing his wand at dumbledore who was blasted over the battlements and was no more
"Come, It's over" and the Death Eaters left the tower with Harry chasing them when they reached the grounds Harry yelled "SNAPE, HE TRUSTED YOU YOU TRAITOR HE TRUSTED YOU AND YOU KILLED HIM SECTUMSEMPERA"
"NO, YOU DARE TO USE MY OWN SPELLS AGAINST ME YES I AM THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE"
The Death Eaters then walked out of the grounds and just beyond Hogwarts' boundries dissaperated.

[Starfire 818]

I've never read Harry Potter, so that was kind of confusing to me. Never the less, here is the critique:

Harry apperated away from the cave and into the village of Hogesmede with his eyes on the castle what he saw filled him with dread. Above Hogwarts was the Dark Mark Voldermort and his Death Eaters calling card Dumbledore was only starting to regain his energy from drinking the enchanted potion.

"Sir are you o.k. to use a broom," he asked.

"I think so Harry," replied Dumbledore staring at the Dark Mark. Suddenly, there was a racket behind them and Madem Rosmerta stumbled out of the three broomsticks "Dumbledore? Harry?"

"Madem Rosmerta, do you have any brooms in the three broom sticks" (excuse the pun)

"Yes, I'll just go get them, accio."

There came a wizzing sound and two brooms came wizzing out the door Harry and Dumbledore sped towards the castle dissarming the spells around it as they went by the time they got two the wall there was a hole in the enchantments just big enough for them to fit through.They made it to the battlements and landed in the astronomy tower and Dumbledore collapsed.

"Harry put your clock on go get Severus don't talk to anyone on the way there."

Harry was about to argue due to his distrust of Snape but went any way when suddenly, "EXPELLIARMIS."

Harry froze up and realized that Dumbledore had non-verbally frozen him while someone had disarmed him

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy. How are you this fine night?" said Dumbledore
"Who else is here?" asked Draco Malfoy.

"Oh, no-one just up here to see who died."
"No-one yet, but that Dark Mark up there will be for your death."

Suddenly there was a racket behind them and several Death Eaters came running up the stairs including Bellatrix, Fenrir, Yaxley, Alecto and Amycus.

"Do it, Do the deed," Bellatrix whispered.

"He doesn't have the stomach, Let me do it in my own way." whispered Fenrir.

"No it must be him, do it Draco."

"QUIET," said a voice.

Severus Snape walked up the stairs and next to Draco.
"Severus, please," pleaded Dumbledore.

"AVADA KEDAVERA," said Snape pointing his wand at Dumbledore who was blasted over the battlements and was no more.

"Come, It's over." The Death Eaters left the tower with Harry chasing them. When they reached the grounds, Harry yelled, "SNAPE, HE TRUSTED YOU, YOU TRAITOR! HE TRUSTED YOU AND YOU KILLED HIM SECTUMSEMPERA!"

"NO, YOU DARE TO USE MY OWN SPELLS AGAINST ME? YES, I AM THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE." The Death Eaters then walked out of the grounds and just beyond Hogwarts' boundries dissaperated.

*********
I fixed the errors, so just copy that into your edited post. The main grammar things I noticed were these:
1) Run-on sentences.
2)Organization. Don't start a paragraph every sentence.
3)Commas between dialoge and what comes after.

You don't seem to have trouble with spelling and capitolazation [sp], but you should probably use the enter sentences with caps. It makes your story seem child-ish. If you would like, I could be your editor. I wouldn't do anything really to the writing, but I could fix the grammar for you.

You need to add more emotion to the part where Dumbledore dies. As I said, I don't read Harry Potter, but I know enough to know that Harry would be incredibly sad and mad with Dumbledore's death.

Side note: You are going to show how these story intersect, right?

Keep going, the plot is definetely original!
Starfire

[Pink Star]

'I've never read Harry Potter"

I think that goes against the English language. Those words form a sentence that is grammatically incorrect.

I think that maybe you need to read Harry Potter.

Just a thought.

@ this story...I suggest not writing this story. Harry Potter and Eragon are just too...different. Eragon will scoff at the 'wands' and the amount of power they accord to the owners. Harry will be amazed at Eragon's ability to construct spells and also use magic without a wand. While Eragon deals with power, Harry Potter deals with skill. Eragon needs more power to defeat Galbatorix, and Harry needs more skill in the wand to defeat Voldemort. They don't mix.

Also, you're a bad writer.

My case is closed.

[baneofdurza]

'I've never read Harry Potter"

I think that goes against the English language. Those words form a sentence that is grammatically incorrect.

I think that maybe you need to read Harry Potter.

Just a thought.

@ this story...I suggest not writing this story. Harry Potter and Eragon are just too...different. Eragon will scoff at the 'wands' and the amount of power they accord to the owners. Harry will be amazed at Eragon's ability to construct spells and also use magic without a wand. While Eragon deals with power, Harry Potter deals with skill. Eragon needs more power to defeat Galbatorix, and Harry needs more skill in the wand to defeat Voldemort. They don't mix.

Also, you're a bad writer.

My case is closed.

i have a wonderful plan involving your death and starfire taking over the world with me as the god and as for me being a bad writer cut me some slack i wrote tese at 11 at night oh and if your reffering to BROMSSON that was my first try at a fan-fiction

[cartman]

Um... WOW...

How is Harry Potter and Eragon going to work? It's fairly good... fix the grammar and mistakes and it will be good.

Also you should do Star Wars/ Eragon.

[baneofdurza]

Im feeling generous so
Chapter 2
ONLY HOPE AND NIGHTMARE
(time lapse Dumbledores funeral and half of summer holidays have happened Galbatorix is currently crashlanded and unconcious in Australia which is important for later (remember Hermionie sends her parents to Australia (DUN DUN DUN DUN)))
The order of the pheonix where gathered around Dumbledores tomb in shock at how he died and who had commited the act. Every one of them had truted Dumbledores judgement to let Snape, a known Death Eater, turn spy on the Death Eaters not one of them ever thought that Snape would betray them and kill off their leader. Dumbledore had formed the Order of the Pheonix to fight against Voldermort and the Death Eaters and attempt to restore order to the wizarding world all while avoiding detection from the Muggles.

"This is in deed a dark time and I doubt Scrimagour will last much longer especially if the Death Eaters have infiltrated the ministry," said Kingsly Shacklebolt in his deep Indian accented voice
"Yes and we must make sure Harry stays safe or all hope is lost," said Lupin with his wand ready incase of attack. Ever since Dumbledore died the enchantments around Hogwarts had crumbled and the task of reseting them was taking an incredibly long time and there were still several flaws.
"None of us are as powerful as Dumbledore was and he couldn't stop Voldermort what makes you think a mere boy of 16 will stand a chance?" growled Mad-Eye "Even I a veteran Auror who sent half his followers to Azkaban would last maybe ten minutes against the Dark Lord."
"Dumbledore must have given Harry certain instructions to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" said Tonks through tears as she cuddled up to her husband Lupin
"Speaking of Harry we should be getting him about now" Said Hagrid who was also in tears
"Yes now before we leave letsgo over the plan again" came Moody's growl

After they had made any last ajustmants they dissaperated from the grounds to the Burrow where they would take a portkey to number four Privit Drive Little Winghing to collect Harry Potter the final hope for the wizarding world.

At the same time the final hope for another world awoke from a nightmare. He saw what looked like twenty dragons hovering over Uru'baen with three riders at the front of the Varden's group and three riders in front of the Empire's group the colours of the dragons where blurred out but he could make out Saphira and himself at the head of the Vardens group and Galbatorix at the head of the Empires group on Galbatorix's right he saw a pale man with scarlet cat like eyes and snake like nostrils who was riding a dragon of an undistinguishable colour. Galbatorix shouted to the Varden group "Surrender and join my perfect plan, join me and my Eldunarya Eaters (Eldunari and Death Eaters combined)and we can create a perfect alagasia and we can conquer your planet as well"

i just had a look at the poll why doesn't anyone like Cho

This post has been edited by baneofdurza: 17 August 2009 - 06:06 AM

[Starfire 818]

Good, less grammar mistakes. Just remember, once you begin a new paragraph, press the enter button twice. Ex:
Instead of: "This is in deed a dark time and I doubt Scrimagour will last much longer especially if the Death Eaters have infiltrated the ministry," said Kingsly Shacklebolt in his deep Indian accented voice.
"Yes and we must make sure Harry stays safe or all hope is lost," said Lupin with his wand ready incase of attack. Ever since Dumbledore died the enchantments around Hogwarts had crumbled and the task of reseting them was taking an incredibly long time and there were still several flaws.

This way: "This is in deed a dark time and I doubt Scrimagour will last much longer especially if the Death Eaters have infiltrated the ministry," said Kingsly Shacklebolt in his deep Indian accented voice

"Yes and we must make sure Harry stays safe or all hope is lost," said Lupin with his wand ready incase of attack. Ever since Dumbledore died the enchantments around Hogwarts had crumbled and the task of reseting them was taking an incredibly long time and there were still several flaws.

This makes it easyier to read. If you need to show a difference between happenings, put astericks *****. You are doing immensly better on grammar. The only major mistake is that you forget commas, and they aren't always a neccesity. If you are able to, type your chapter up on Microsft Word. It has spell check and that will help you with the grammar part.

Now that you've gotten better over grammar, you need more emotion. Description we can worry about later, but I don't really know what the characters are thinking. As a person who is uninfomred, I need to know how these people would respond. THe only clue I have as of this moment is the way they say things, and that need more to build on. To add emotion, you need to pick a POV. I don't know whose that was at the beginning, though it was obviously Eragon at the end. Let's say you chose Lupin's POV as the POV for this chapter. Tell us what sadness, doom or other feelings he has. I imagine he is tired from trying to erect spells, you might want to add something of that in there.

All in all, you are improving nicely! I hope you're able to further your writing skills!
Starfire

[baneofdurza]

i'm having a great day (my girlfriend and i just went on our first date YEAH)
chapter 3
AUSTRALIA AND BRITAIN
"Oi mate you up yet?" said a strange voice. Galbatorix opened is eyes and saw a picture of a creature that was bouncing on its hind legs and had a samller version of it self in a pouch on its stomach.
"You must have taken quite a fall to create a crater like that mate, where ya from some medieval fair?" said a man in a stange hat and clothes
"Where am I and I am not your mate infact i don't even know you, who are you?"
"Woh you sure got a lot of questions mate you are in Alice Springs, Australia and I am John Granger"
"Well Granger swear loyalty to me in the Ancient Language and then show me where to find this man" He sent a mental image of Voldermort over to him
"The ancient whaa? and how did that image get in my head" said john beffudled
bah he is worthless thought Galbatorix and he pulled out his stolen sword Und'bitr and dicapitated the man
SHRUIKIN WHERE THE F**K ARE YOU called Galbatorix
Above you came a reply
And the roof above Galbatorix caved in crushing a woman who just walked into the room
Galatorix climbed on Shruikin and flew around gleening what ever information possible until he came across a headline in someones mind
BRITISH DARK WIZARD LORD VOLDERMORT RETURNS
He cunjored a map ofthis world and started heading east towards BRITAIN

When he arrived after 3 days of contiuous flying and landed in a cemetary where he gleened from a man named Dolohov's mind when hhe arrived he saw Voldermort and his Death Eaters having a meeting then Volder mort flicked a wand and said two words "Avada Kedavera" there was a flash of green flash of light and a man was on the ground dead

"That is what happens when you hesitate and fail a mission Draco" said Voldermort in his cold, dark voice "Now my Death Eaters we will attempt to kill Harry Potter"
Galbatorix decided this was the best time to act "VOLDERMORT" he cried puting power into his word "I meen you and your Death Eaters no harm"
"and who may you be strange being" replied Voldermort with a definate curiosity in his eye
"My name is Galbatorix King of Alagaesia and ruler of the dragon riders and i have an incredible offer for you return with me to Alagaesia and i will make everyone of you kings and Dragon riders"
"Pray tell what is a dragon rider and what is Alagaesia?"
For the next ten hours he explained his pradicament to Voldermort and the Death Eaters
"We will join you if you get us to Alagaesia for it seems better then what we got going here" said Voldermort eager to get away from the one person who could potentially kill him
"Oh and just to warn you the enimies of the Death Eaters will be given a chance to enter Alagaesia and they will most certainly join the Varden"

And even as this was taking place the menoa tree was contacting Harry and the Order of the Pheonix to get them to come and fight for the varden in Alagaesia. Little did they know that for this swap there would be a major sacrifice

DUN DUN DUN DUN

just to get this clarified spells in the HP world dont wast energy like the ones in the Eragon world

This post has been edited by baneofdurza: 17 August 2009 - 07:53 AM

[Starfire 818]

i'm having a great day (my girlfriend and i just went on our first date YEAH)
chapter 3
AUSTRALIA AND BRITAIN
"Oi! Mate, you up yet?" Said a strange voice. Galbatorix opened his eyes and saw a picture of a creature that was bouncing on its hind legs and had a samller version of itself in a pouch on its stomach.

"You must have taken quite a fall to create a crater like that mate. Where ya from? Some medieval fair?" Said a man in a stange hat and clothes.

"Where am I and I am not your mate! Infact I don't even know you, who are you?"

"Woh you sure got a lot of questions, mate. You are in Alice Springs, Australia and I am John Granger."

"Well, Granger, swear loyalty to me in the Ancient Language and then show me where to find this man." He sent a mental image of Voldermort over to him.

"The ancient whaa? And how did that image get in my head," said John beffudled.

Bah, he is worthless, thought Galbatorix and he pulled out his stolen sword Und'bitr and dicapitated the man.

SHRUIKIN WHERE THE F**K ARE YOU, called Galbatorix.

Above you, came the reply.

The roof above Galbatorix caved in, crushing a woman who just walked into the room. Galbatorix climbed on Shruikin and flew around gleening what ever information possible until he came across a headline in someones mind:
BRITISH DARK WIZARD LORD VOLDERMORT RETURNS

He cunjored a map of this world and started heading east towards BRITAIN.

********
He arrived after 3 days of contiuous flying and landed in a cemetary that he gleened the location of from a man named Dolohov's mind. When he arrived, he saw Voldermort and his Death Eaters having a meeting. Then Voldermort flicked a wand and said two words, "Avada Kedavera," there was a flash of green light and a man was on the ground dead.

"That is what happens when you hesitate and fail a mission Draco," said Voldermort in his cold, dark voice. "Now, my Death Eaters, we will attempt to kill Harry Potter."

Galbatorix decided this was the best time to act. "VOLDERMORT!" He cried puting power into his word. "I meen you and your Death Eaters no harm."

"And who may you be, strange being" replied Voldermort with a definate curiosity in his eye.

"My name is Galbatorix, King of Alagaesia and ruler of the dragon riders and I have an incredible offer for you. Return with me to Alagaesia and I will make everyone of you kings and Dragon riders."

"Pray tell what is a dragon rider and what is Alagaesia?"

For the next ten hours, he explained his pradicament to Voldermort and the Death Eaters.

"We will join you if you get us to Alagaesia, for it seems better then what we have going here," said Voldermort eager to get away from the one person who could potentially kill him.

"Oh, and just to warn you the enimies of the Death Eaters will be given a chance to enter Alagaesia and they will most certainly join the Varden."

And even as this was taking place, the Menoa tree was contacting Harry and the Order of the Pheonix to get them to come and fight for the Varden in Alagaesia. Little did they know that for this swap, there would be a major sacrifice.

*********
DUN DUN DUN DUN

just to get this clarified spells in the HP world dont wast energy like the ones in the Eragon world

Ok, I don't think Voldermort would be willing to go to Alagaesia on a whim. I don't know his situation, but I would think he'd demand proof.

You did a little better on emotions in this chapter, but tell us how excited Galbatorix felt when Voldermort excepted his offer and the tenseness he probably felt as he was spying. The description could use some work, too. Tell what the surroundings looked like. Right now, all we know is a cemetery.

The grammar wasn't as good in this chapter as the others. I fixed the mistakes for you, so just copy to your post. My offer still stands to be your editor. You can PM me the chapter and I'll fix the grammar for you.

I'm interested to see how the HP magic interacts with the Eragon magic and how everybody is going to react to this. Keep going! [Don't listen to Kylar in this instanse]

Starfire

[baneofdurza]

Ok, I don't think Voldermort would be willing to go to Alagaesia on a whim. I don't know his situation, but I would think he'd demand proof.

You did a little better on emotions in this chapter, but tell us how excited Galbatorix felt when Voldermort excepted his offer and the tenseness he probably felt as he was spying. The description could use some work, too. Tell what the surroundings looked like. Right now, all we know is a cemetery.

The grammar wasn't as good in this chapter as the others. I fixed the mistakes for you, so just copy to your post. My offer still stands to be your editor. You can PM me the chapter and I'll fix the grammar for you.

I'm interested to see how the HP magic interacts with the Eragon magic and how everybody is going to react to this. Keep going! [Don't listen to Kylar in this instanse]

Starfire

Galbatorix used Voldemort TN but made him think it was his own idea to come along as for Galbatorix's excitement well that will come after the "Unimagined sacrifice" cough green egg cough but the power of the death eaters will create MORE EGGS and no-one likes Cho look at the poll

This post has been edited by baneofdurza: 17 August 2009 - 05:21 PM

[cartman]

Great story, I want to see where this goes.

Oh and remember the thing we PMed about? You know the thing about Harry? Have you decided yet (PM me)?

Update soon!!!

[coolguy]

Wohooooooooooo! Man you rock. This is superb. I can't imagine HP and eragon all mixed up.

Oh by the way, the names of Hermione's parents names are Monica & (something i don't remember) Wilkins.

She mentions it part VII.

Once again, YOU ROCK!!!