[Behave Yourself]

My poetry is bad, and I work on it... Casually. I don't take it incredibly seriously - it is both an expression of boredom and my random teenage angst. "OMG RANDOM THING END OF THE WORLD NUUUUU" may express my poetry half the time.

My first expression of teenage angst shall now be posted!

The Mirror

Did you know it's possible to die,
When you live life on the fly,
And in the midst of all perfection,

You could just see the recollection,
And when your wings fall off and you fall down,
Causing shattered screams and dreams,

Do you blame the glass or you,
Your reflection in the mirror,
A shimmer in a thing of life,

Never seeming to cause strife,
And falling through, Falling down,
So nobody could see you drown?

James

This post has been edited by LyriantheFirst: 16 November 2009 - 09:21 PM

[potter573]

What does it mean?

Did you know it's possible to die,
When you live life on the fly,
And in the midst of all perfection,

You could just see the recollection, (shouldn't this be with the last line of first stanza?)
And when your wings fall off and you fall down,
Causing shattered screams and dreams,

Do you blame the glass or you,
Your reflection in the mirror,
A shimmer in a thing of life,(this doesn't make any sense to me and really it doesn't add up)

Never seeming to cause strife,
And falling through, Falling down,
So nobody could see you drown?

[Katya]

Typical cliche "teen struggling with life balance and failure" kind of poem. However, you pull off a decent rhyme.

To the person above, POETRY DOES NOT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE. PLEASE DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER tell someone that their poetry doesn't make sense to you, because it is advice that is not really needed. If the poem makes sense to the one who has written it, that is what matters. Poetry is to be left to the interpreter, so FIND a way to make it make sense to you!

James, if you want to really wow us with your poetry, please post the Bobby poem ASAP. ;]

[Behave Yourself]

Well, it was written under a pretense that didn't turn out to be true. But, I shall post Bobby and Flight here, as both are about Jake.

Bobby


You think all that you see is true,
The trusted people you thought you knew,
And then you see their real faces,

Old impressions melting before your eyes,
As you realize that they were secretly spies,
Just as you find out about all of their lies,

They find yet another disguise,
Hidden in every little guise,
A kernal of truth in their demise,

But still this truth lies unconfirmed,
The truth still unlearned,
Will we ever know the truth for sure,

Or will it stay there evermore,
In the shadows waiting for,
The people they deceived before?

--

Flight

He hurt us and we got screwed,
Like a permanent tattoo,
In our minds it's nothing new,
We're just used to getting laid,
Having our lives unmade,
By the liars, cheaters three,
Harassing us like they have the right,
Paying no attention to our plight.

He took us down, we will come up,
He tried to keep us on the ground,
But all we did was fly higher,
We are the fliers, the dreamers two,
He never wants to change, to make change,
But we can turn the world around,
When we fly high we teach the others,
To fly like us and reach the sky,
The pouring rain and the blessed sighs,
Looking down on the world as it looks up at us,

We will teach them all to fly,
Higher than the sky,
They are the power, they are the sight,
They are the teachers who will escape their plights,
All they have to do is fly,
Higher, higher, in the sky!

We can turn the world around,
He can't stop us, no one can,
Corruption, Lies, Greed and Anger,
Nothing will bring us down,

For we are the fliers,
Wings raised high,
Flying higher in the sky,
We try to be good and pure and right,
To show others the sweet delight,
Of flight, our feathers aiming true,
You teach us and we'll teach you,
We can turn the world around,

They can run and they can hide,
The higher we go the more we see,
They can't run from catastrophe,
They can't run from the light of the world,
From the fliers in the sky,
We are the ones they cannot deny,

We are the fliers in the sky,
Teaching people pure and true,
The good things inside me and you,
It comes along and others see,
The good inside eachother too,
We fly higher and higher together,
Nothing can stop us,
Until we all touch the sky

Together.

James

[Behave Yourself]

Untitled
The lightbulb exists,
But electricity doesn’t.
A single lightbulb has the power to light up the sky,
A spark of electricity can illuminate the world.

A crowd of people,
Standing here.
Broken hearts,
And empty lives,

Staring up at the holes in the sky,
Filling them with lightbulbs high,
Without a spark,
Without a spark,

A single spark,
To light up their lives,
The people staring at the sky,

“There will be a spark,
The sky will light,
The world will see,”

People chant and the crowd sings,
None of them believing a thing,
But they have to try,

They have to try,
They have to sing,
They have to pretend,
This is the real thing,

They cling to hope,
They cling to hope,
Fading memories of light,
Filling in the current holes,

The broken souls,
And empty lives,
Staring at the sky tonight,

Until the spark takes flight,
Until the spark takes flight.

[HJP]

Hmm. I like them all, honestly. I noticed that you used slightly different styles, posing questions, repitition, a little imagery, and symbolism. I have a hard time critiquing poetry because it's really got no rules. But I bet if you tried writing it about other things, different topics besides people, you could gain some more perspective and techniques.

This post has been edited by HJP: 19 October 2009 - 04:05 PM

[Behave Yourself]

[Most] of my poetry is written about what I am feeling at the given time of writing it. Kind of. Actually, it just kinds of ends up being interpreted that way by me. The thing is about poetry - about all art, really - is that it doesn't matter how I interpret my own poetry, except to me. The thing that matters is how whoever reads it interprets it. Hence why I'm not going "This poem is about _____." Because it's only about _____ to me, and it doesn't necessarily have to be that way for anyone else. That kind of went on a weird rant that had nothing to do with your post, but oh well. XD.

Singin' in the Dark
The things people can't change,
The things we all must fear,
Make me want to scream,
“Let me out of here!”

I can't leave,
I can't scream,
I can't do anything but sing,
“Let me out of here!”

Artificial, is all we are,
Driving down the road in our cars,
Staring through the windows,
Staring at the road,
“Where are we on our path?
How far ahead is the car ahead?”

Am I a cure to this artificial life,
Or am I part of the disease?
Standing here in the dark,
Under the roadway singin',
“Let me out of here!”

You're behind and he's ahead,
Starin' through the car window,
And I'm below the road, unmoving,
Singin' in the dark.

Nothing else compares.
Breakups, cheating, lies and all,
At least you have a real life,
Moving on the road.

And I'm standing here,
Singin' in the dark,
No breakups, cheating, or lies at all,
Because I'm artificial life.
“Let me out of here!”

If we stood there side-by-side,
I would want to run and hide,
There would be me,
And there would be you.

My pale skin next to your bright bronze,
Lighting up the dark,
You're hurt and lost,
But you see the light,

And you're moving towards the end of the road,
The end of the road,

And I'm standing here,
Singin' in the dark,
Singin' in the dark,
“Let me out of here!”

James

[Behave Yourself]

Fire
Is this all we can see?
The fire in our eyes tonight?
Wishing we could just take flight?
Can we escape the burning?
Can we escape the night?

The sirens and the demons,
Almost in our sight,
The fire burning bright tonight?

The buildings falling down around,
Crashing to the ground,
We can't even run,
Bound by the fires,
Bound by the burns.

The buildings dust,
The people too,
Am I dust?
Just like you?

We are bound by burning flame,
Wishing this was just a game,
Trying to run and trying to fight,
Without water to kill the night.

The world burning all around,
Innocent victims to be found,
Bodies destroyed,
Sleeping sound,
With the fire all around.

Have you thought of screaming loud,
Warning others of the danger,
The fire, burning bright?

To open your throat,
To welcome the fire,
To deny your heart's desire?

While the fire,
Burns so bright,
Through our cities,
In the night?

James

This post has been edited by LyriantheFirst: 25 October 2009 - 02:27 PM

[Behave Yourself]

A Fictional Love
Step away from the king,
Step away from the free,
Step away from the people,
Step away from me.

You don't need the people,
You don't need the king,
You don't need this catastrophe.

I'm next to you,
We're holding hands,
Friends together,
Will this last forever?

As "I love you" purses my lips,
Our final and our last kiss,
It happens suddenly, it ends fast,
It is our first, it is our last,
Apocalypse makes it end fast,

The world crashing,
People dying,
Lips locked together,
Nobody lying,
And all we can do is sit and pray,
That we will live another day,

"I love you."

Oh hellz yea, cliche poetry.

James

[Behave Yourself]

This poem is kind of old - from June - hence the large lack of flow. Well. More than my current ones, anyway (more lack of it).

Dreamers
"Gone now,
The dreamers lost,
Those who strived for peace and hope,
Are now the ones who nobody sees,

Given up, in the shadows,
Wishing someone like them would come,
To show them peace and love anon,

Shadows, shadows, shadows three,
How the dreamers speak to thee,
Stuck there until they see the light,

Waiting to be rescued from the dark,
All they see is muffled light,
They think it darkness, think it night,

Wishing they could see the light,
"Save us."

James

[Behave Yourself]

Here is a song I wrote. It's the first song I've ever written, so it isn't good. At all. XD.

Escape
Drink, drink, drink away,
Forget the day you had today,
Reality holds too much sway,
Imagination needs to stay,

Let it stay!
God forgive us!
Let us see!
God hold us!
Let us breathe!
God save us!

We need to run away today,
To a place far away,
Memories all but forgotten,
Nothing in our future rotten,
Trapped in the future and not the past,
Just to make sure our lives last!

We're five people on a train,
Speeding toward utopia,

It's all in vain,
We're all to blame,
It's all in vain,
We're all to blame,
It's all in vein,
And we're all to blame!

Minds rotten,
Our lives forgotten,
The world passing by,
We stare out the window,
Asking why,

We're the anti-life today,
Making sure we all forget,
Making sure we can't remember,
What have we done,
What have we done?

Unstable is unafflicted,
By the tortures in our minds,
Instilled by gray,
These are our lives.

A mother is staring out the window,
Drunk as BLARGH, she's her own foe,
If she could be anywhere but here,
Anywhere but here,
Where escape is utopia.

Next to her,
In the seat,
Thinking about past defeats,
A murderer looks in the train,
The broken people sitting around,
Destroyed lives and vacant seats,
Fill the train with lost defeats.

We're screaming to God,
To let us out,
To rush through the windows,
To cut through our veins,
To let the utopia shine,
Through our futile pains!

And last we have the beggar,
He's sitting next to me,
Staring at the ceiling,
Staring at the floor,
Wishing for more,
Just wishing for more,

Trapped on a train in utopia,
Their empty minds,
Their empty lives,
Stare back through empty windows,
Trapped inside,
Just trapped inside.

The train crashes!
The crying sounds!
The people dying!
They know they will die!
And it's all their fault!

YOU TOOK THE TRAIN TO UTOPIA TO ESCAPE YOUR EMPTY LIFE,
AND YOU EXPECTED TO FIND GOOD,
WHEN ALL YOU FOUND WAS STRIFE?
YOUR INSOLENCE AND DESPERATION,
YOU CAUSED IT ALL THROUGH SELFISH DAMNATION,
AND YOU EXPECTED TO BE SEEN,
BUT YOU DENIED WHAT YOU BELIEVED,
AND SO YOU DIED A PAINFUL DEATH,
TRAPPED IN YOUR EMPTY LIFE

YOU LEAD A LIFE OF VANITY,
DON'T COMPLAIN NOW,
YOUR FUTILITY KEPT THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND,

YOU SHOULDN'T RUN,
YOU SHOULDN'T HIDE,
THERE IS NOW ESCAPE FROM DESTINY,
NO ESCAPE FROM MEMORY.

James

[Behave Yourself]

Here's some rather badly-done, emo poetry of mine written at three in the morning.

Fame
They scream your name,
They worship your fame,
They don't want the person,
They want your soul!

You sing to the crowd,
And they don't care,
They need your soul,
They suck your blood,
Vampires staring back,

Your lover does nothing,
"Keep singing!" He says,
"Give your soul for these people!"

Surrounded by these vampires,
They want to suck your blood,
They flood the aisles wherever you go,
Papparazi, stalking your every move,
And you cannot stop it!

SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE MUSIC,
THEY SCREAM YOUR NAME,
THEY WANT YOUR BLOOD,
THEY WANT YOUR LIFE,

"GIVE US YOUR SOUL!"
THEY SCREAM IN VAIN,
THEY SCREAM AT YOU,
LIKE IT'S JUST A GAME!

YOUR LIFE IS BARREN,
THE PEOPLE STARING,

"WE WANT MORE!"
"WE WANT MORE!"
"WE WANT MORE!"

They want your life,
They don't want you,
They don't care for the person,
They would kill just to have you.

DO YOU FEEL WANTED NOW?
Their eyes seem to stare!
DO YOU FEEL WANTED NOW?
Their fangs touch your skin!
DO YOU FEEL NEEDED NOW?
They scream your name in vain!
DO YOU FEEL NEEDED NOW?
They will take your life!

James

This post has been edited by LyriantheFirst: 28 November 2009 - 04:39 AM

[Behave Yourself]

Long song is long.

Fame
Twenty million people fill the crowd,
You're standing on a pedestal,
Your is voice so loud,

People hear you the next day,
On the New York Times' Front Page,

The world is watching,
Their opinions sway,
With every single word you say,
When you're on television every day,

You're no talk-show host,
You aren't that kind of guy,
Not the upstart musician,
Or that random famous guy,

You aren't that famed rapper,
Filling the streets,
With awesome beats,

You're the kid at Burger King,
The boy who dreams of being something,
Giving speeches to the crowd,
Your voice echoing across a stage,
And all you're thinking is, "Maybe some day,"

"Would you like to order, Sir?"
This whole moment is a blur,

You aren't a king any more,
Not the world's saviour,
People aren't watching you on T.V.,
Your beats aren't filling up the streets,
You're not giving speeches about your defeats,

Until you start to dream again,
This time you aren't giving a speech,
The world isn't watching as you preach,

You're not accepting the nobel prize,
It's just a woman saying good-bye,
She's in tears over your nobel prize,
Because you didn't care enough to say anything but lies,

She's leaving you there with a golden medal,
Nothing to show for it but your award-winning novel,
And it means nothing, now that she's gone,

Now that you're just standing here as an icon,
Crying in the rain,
And all you can tell,
Is that your life was in vain,

You snap back out,
Your dreaming ends,
And you're not flipping burgers,
You're trying to fit loose ends,
To pay the bills, to pay the rent,
To make it work out in the end,

"Gimme two weeks sir, just two weeks!"
You beg and plead because you're too weak,
You lost your job with an angry streak,
Because you weren't at your peak,

You begin your dream once more,
This time life is just a bore,
You're as famous as before,
Oh, you're somebody, you know that for sure,

Everyone on the planet knows your name,
They don't see that it's your final game,
Your raving fans are screaming so loud,

They can't hear your final shout,
You're stuck screaming just as loud,

They're ignoring you now,
You were an icon screaming loud,
Now you're nothing, and nobody cares,
They're not even staring at your despairs,

You wake up one day, in this dream,
The sky filled with more fire than you've ever seen,
The world is ending, and you were a king,
With nothing to show for it but a medal that gleems,

As the world ends, you snap out of your dream,
You're standing on the street,
More homeless then you seem,
Your dream is dead, but so is your strife,
You have nothing to show in either life.

James

[Future Quest]

I don't really like this one as much as some of your other poems, James. It's pros are out-weighed by it's cons. It would've been an OK song if you had thought more about flow and time signature; this being a song, it is in need of a time signature. I'm guessing that you don't play an instrument or sing... at all. It was like reading mathcore, the music that is totally random and completely, or nearly so, lacks flow and rhythm.

Cons:

• You make the whole thing go on and on and on where you should've made the whole thing much shorter. It wouldn't have bored me so much to read it if it was more compressed.
• Lack of flow. Like I said, it's no fun reading mathcore as verse.
• You need to watch your grammar. You used "then" instead of "than" and I believe a few comma and spelling/capitalization.
• Your lack of correct amounts descript worries me, Woo-Woo. We've talked about this before.
• There was an overall lack of correctly used poetic devices and figures of speech and that makes your poem seem like prose arranged in stanzas with a few rhymes.

Pros:

• Great use of rhyme in most places
• A bit of repetition/alliteration. I really liked that. It might be the only reason I finished the thing.
• There were a few places where I really liked the few figues of speech you used.

I hope this helped a bit James. You really should work on getting your verse up to snuff. Your prose is so much better, though both lack a sound knowledge of how to descibe things aptly and effectively.