[Katya]

I have an opinion and I stand beside it,
Despite all the logic that may interfere,
My personal whims know no boundaries,
My life is dependent on how I appear.

I'm Bobby, a victim of life,
I've lived through many years of strife,
My mother died and I have cried through the nights,
Hoping that one day I'd do something right.

I'm twenty two and live with my dad,
I graduated CC,
I thought on Face book it'd look bad,
So I changed it to Ivy.

I'm Bobby, a victim of life,
I've lived through many years of strife,
My mother died and I have cried through the nights,
Hoping that one day I'd do something right.

[scream solo]
EVERYONE SAYS I'M A LIAR AND THEY'RE WROOOOOONG,
EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS SOOOOOONG,
AND SEE THAT I WAS RIGHT..
I WAS RIGHT, wench, ALL ALOOOONG.

I'm Bobby, a victim of life,
I've lived through many years of strife,
My mother died and I have cried through the nights,
Hoping that one day I'd do something right.

I found myself a naive girl,
To string along and use,
I found myself a guy named James,
To verbally abuse.

[scream solo]
BUT ALL I ASK IS FOR ANOTHER CHANCE,
I NEVER MEANT TO FAIL AT THIS ROMANCE,
THIS IS A NEW PAGE FOR ME,
AND I AM MEANT TO BE,
THE GUY YOU'LL WANT TO TAKE A SECOND GLANCE....
AT.

I'm Bobby, a victim of life,
I've lived through many years of strife,
My mother died and I have cried through the nights,
Hoping that one day I'd do something right.

This post has been edited by Katya: 24 August 2009 - 03:54 AM

[ryker]

I'm Bobby, a victim of life,
I've lived through many years of strife,
My mother died and I have cried through the nights,
Hoping that one day I'd do something right.


Now this is good, but with recent knowledge from my creative writing class I think I can make this slightly better using what my teacher calls "line integrity". That is to take parts of your poem and try and always end on the most impacting word or idea to give the reader a better feeling of what your trying to communicate. Now I may not know "EXACTLY" what it is your trying to say but I think I know, I just say this because I'm obviously not the one who wrote this so it might not work. here it is

I'm Bobby, a victim
of life,
I've lived through many years of strife,
My mother died
and I have cried through the nights,
Hoping that one day
I'd do something right.

Now day is not exactly a dark or meaningful word, but if you stop there it gives the reader more time to think and make a better interpretation of the poem/song. Nice writing and keep going at it ill check if you have anything else, and ill try and make a response to them.

This post has been edited by ryker: 24 August 2009 - 08:53 PM

[Katya]

Wow, that is definitely a new, interesting perspective on poetry. I think I should like to try it sometime, perhaps with a poem that isn't lyrics. Thanks for the new knowledge, and great idea! =)