[Krimzon]

Well as you will likely be able to tell, I am no writer but hey I figure I have nothing to l
lose but my dignity for trying XD. I apologize in advance if I sub-consciously steal from any other fanfics or get things wrong about the book since I cannot find my Eragon and Eldest novels. Well pressing on.




Chapter 1 - Alone

Alone.


The feeling struck him like a bucket of icy water. He was alone none other could oppose Galbatorix. He alone could kill the dark king and he alone must face him. The feeling struck again and Eragon was plunged into the painful memory of the death of Oromis. His teacher, his mentor, gone. Past into the void where none may reach. He was truly alone. Eragon wallowed in his sadness laying upon his cot. The tent walls seemed to converge upon him suffocating him.

He felt Saphira stir.

Little one, you should be resting. She paused delving into his thoughts You are never alone Eragon. You have me and we shall face Galbatorix together. Oromis would not have wanted us to stray from our goal. We must honor him by completing it.

I know Saphira, but I cannot help but think that we have no hope. Galbatorix has powers that we could only dream of. I don't think I can do this. We are not ready. We must be stronger.

We will get stronger. Think a year ago we could not have beaten Murtagh, Thorn and his entrusted Eldunari. A simple farmboy could not have killed a Shade. You are strong Eragon... We are strong, and growing stronger as time passes. When we reach the king you shall stab Brisingr through his heart and we will be able to continue our lives in peace.

Eragon shifted upon his cot, he wanted to run away, to live in hiding, to be alone out of the king's grasp. He wished him and Saphira could disappear leave their responsibilities behind. He pushed aside the thoughts. He knew his duty to the Varden, to the elves and to all of Alageasia

Thank you Saphira. I must try to rest.

We are one Eragon. I shall have you and you shall have me, from the day I hatched until the day we die.

I love you Saphira

And I you little one.

Eragon faded into his waking dreams, attempting to rest before the world came crashing upon his shoulders once again

*************************************************************************

Eragon was upon Saphira's back racing towards his farm-home in Carvahall. Smoke was rising from where Eragon knew his house should be. As they moved closer he beheld the scene. The home was flattened and burnt. He cried in anguish he knew Garrow was within. He leaped off Saphira and sprinted towards the wreckage.

He tore threw the shattered pieces of his home trying to find his uncle. He ripped aside a board, a foot. He tore away additional pieces of charred wood, splintering and burning his hands. He beheld his uncle, crushed and burned.

*************************************************************************

Eragon awoke again with a start. His fury against the Raz'ac and Galbatorix brought to the surface. Those monsters are long dead. I must remain focused at the task at hand

He glanced around his simple tent, aside from his cot, he had a chair and a scrying mirror. The rays of the new dawn were visible through the fabric. Eragon sighed. He knew what was to come and the fatigue from his battle with Varaug still pressed upon him. He knew he must leave his tent, but he let himself lay in bed and soak up the warmth of the light, atleast for a few moments longer. He probed with his mind and found Saphira awake.
Are you ready to face the politics of the Varden once again He asked her.

No, but we must.

Eragon twisted his body and set his feet on the floor. He attempted to stand and cringed in pain. His over worked muscles sore from the battle, he attempted once more. This time he managed to stand successfully. He donned one of his nicer tunics, checked the mirror to assure he was presentable, pulled aside the flap to his tent and entered back into the real world.




_________________________________________________________________________


Please comments, critques, praise (Yeah right) whatever feedback you can give.

If it is so horrendous you think I should not continue please tell me. I do not wish to embarrass myself further

This post has been edited by Krimzon: 22 January 2010 - 11:32 PM

[soldierofwill]

A fairly good start. Nice emotion to begin, but not enough description. Describe Eragon's tent more. What was in it(a table some drawers, etc. etc.) That's about it.
Looking forward to see more.
your new reader soldierofwill. Bye

[StarSapphireWolf]

I thought it was pretty good for a start, and like SoW said above, great emotion need some description. Hoping you can continue

~ You're Reader, Star

[Krimzon]

Alright I will do my best to improve in the chapters to come. I am thinking of starting chapter 2 but I am not sure If I will until I get some more comments.

And By the way if I ever do finish doing this... I imagine most of you will be extremely annoyed with some of the plot twists that is all I am going to say for now, but I tell you it will not be something Paolini would write, but 1000x more epic Though the quality it shall be written in will be poor XD

This post has been edited by Krimzon: 26 August 2009 - 11:38 PM

[Burrosis]

Not too bad for a start. Like Soldier said you should put some more details in there. Also you may want to make the chapters a bit longer, but that would come with more description.

You should defiantly continue. I look forward for reading what you try to make different about your FanFic.

[Krimzon]

Yeah I agree my chapters have to be longer. I made that one slightly longer, but I couldn't think of anything else to put in. I seem to be good at summarizing things but not so good at drawing them out.

Working on Chapter 2 it should be up in an hour or two, unless I fall asleep.

[Burrosis]

The best advise that I can give you on trying to draw stuff out of your head is this.

Describe the room or situation exactly how you see it in your head. Don't leave anything out. When you leave stuff out its because you are making assumptions that your readers know what you are talking about.

Best to treat readers as 6 year olds who cannot walk straight. (when writing never to their face ) And no I'm not insulting anyone, but that is as good of a description as I can write.

[StarSapphireWolf]

Yeah I agree my chapters have to be longer. I made that one slightly longer, but I couldn't think of anything else to put in. I seem to be good at summarizing things but not so good at drawing them out.

Working on Chapter 2 it should be up in an hour or two, unless I fall asleep.

I only spotted one mistake in you're edited version:

Are you ready to face the politics of the Varden once again'He is conected too again'

I'm awaiting you're next chapter and I hope you enjoy writing it!

~ You're Reader, Star

[soldierofwill]

The best advice I can give is to pace yourself. Don't rush through a chapter and post it because you want people to read it. All you will get is someone(maybe me.) pointing out every little thing. So pace yourself. That's it. I will stay with your story and help you through. Don't worry
Your reader soldierofwill. Bye

[Krimzon]

Argh I cannot think of a name for this chapter I am very open to suggestions.


Chapter 2 - ...

As Eragon left his tent he felt the warming rays of the sun strike his body. The dawn was crisp and dew still clung within the Varden's camp. He looked to the east and saw the sun rising red, the color of blood. He thought to himself it was only fitting, the sun should reflect the state of the world for it was the world's keeper, that which gives it life. He gazed around the camp thousands of tents housing soldiers and their families. All of who give there lives so that he may strike down Galbatorix. He knew all those soldiers would follow him and Nasauda to the gates of Uru'baen and fight with there dying breath to topple the king from his black throne. Eragon turned once again to behold the most beautiful and majestic thing in Alagaesia. The partner of his heart, Saphira. Her scales sparkled majestically in the dawn light. And he knew, as well as she, that no being could match her beauty.

Good morning, once again Saphira. Shall we go to meet Nasauda? Eragon said within his mind

Aye, get on. I feel like stretching my wings.

Saphira unfurled her mighty wings, and with a great leap ascended into the sky. Though the dawn had just arrived the Varden's camp was already a bustle of activity. Men were practicing with arms and the smiths were reforging weapons lost and broken in the siege. It had been 2 days since the siege of Feinster and the Varden must begin the march for Belatona tomorrow.

I miss them greatly Saphira said Eragon mournfully

As do I little one, we still have Glaedr, though it is not the same.She responded in an equally mournful tone.

We must end this war soon. I do not think I could bear to lose anymore. This is eating away at me Saphira, I can feel myself slipping farther everyday. From every friend we lose, from every soldier we slay. A hole is being created inside me and I cannot seem to fill it.

Be at ease little one. This war shall end, it must.

Saphira touched down outside Nasuada's crimson command tent. He sighed, Out of mourning and into action.

A large, muscled Urgal announced his presence.

"Let him pass" came the voice he knew belonged to Nasuada, from inside the tent.

Eragon entered Nasuada's still barren command tent. Inside as he suspected were, Orrin, Nar Garzhvog, Narheim, and representing the Elves, Arya. As always Eragon's stomach had a dull ache as he beheld the elf. Though he knew, for the good of their friendship, he must suppress it.

"Greetings Eragon" said Nasuada as soon as he had fully entered the tent

"Greetings Nasuada" Eragon responded, nodding appropriately to each of the other race leaders.

"I hope you are now fit to continue, I understand it has been extremely hard for you." Said Nasauda with a concern that showed she cared for him not just as a dragon rider but also as a friend.

Eragon glanced at Arya to see her face stony and impassive, but the eyes hidden behind her raven locks showed that she to was feeling the pain of Oromis' death.

"Yes it has been hard, but we must press onwards. The sooner we reach Uru'baen the sooner this will be over" Eragon responded with as much confidence as he could muster.

"From your report and Arya's we know the elves control Ceunon, therefore we have decided to meet the elves at Dras'leona before marching upon Uru'baen. What this means is that Belatona must fall quickly so the elves will not be waiting outside Dras'leona too long, prey to one of Galbatorix's twisted schemes. We must march hard and fast towards Belatona if we hope to be united with our allies the elves promptly." Nasauda finished her report and looked around at the leaders of the other factions of the Varden.

"My lady-"Eragon started

"Yes, I know you wish to go pay a tribute to your masters but we really cannot spare you." Nasauda cut in.

"But my Lady, Thorn was seriously injured, as you know, in his fight with Glaedr, there is no way he will be in condition to attack us." Eragon stated

"You have told me this Eragon, but the risk-"

"Lady Nasuada" Arya interjected "Eragon has the right to pay a tribute to his masters, and I wish to go also, but It will take far too long for me to go on foot. But if Saphira could fly us there we both could be back in a fraction of the time."

"I know this Arya, but we cannot afford to lose our only defense against Murtagh and Thorn. If we were attacked Thorn could burn us to the ground with no resistance." Nasauda stated firmly.

"Lady Nasauda, the injury to Thorn was extremely severe it will take even Galbatorix weeks to repair the damage Glaedr caused." Insisted Eragon. "And we will be back as soon as we can. You have to understand how much they meant to us Nasauada to not pay tribute to them would feel like an insult."

Nasuada sighed, she knew Eragon would not be at peace unless he was allowed to go.
"Fine I will allow this, how long will you be gone?" She queried

"It will take 2 days of travel on either end plus we wish to spend atleast 2 days there. And just incase there is an unforeseeable problem I would give us a week." Said Eragon uplifted with the fact that he was able to pay his respects.

"This may be a costly risk Eragon." Eragon frowned "But a neccasary one. Go pack now and you two may leave when you are ready."

"Thank you, Lady Nasuada" Said Arya

"Yes, thank you." Eragon bowed to Nasuada and the other leaders as he excused himself from the tent to go pack

Are you satisfied Eragon?

Yes, I am Saphira, though I dread the looks of their bodies. I do not know if I could bear seeing them in that state.

I too wish not too see what carnage Murtagh hath wrought, but we must.

I know

Eragon climbed atop Saphira, she jumped into the air and extended her wings and flew him back to his tent to prepare.

_________________________________________________________________________


I am really tired. I felt like putting that out. I didn't read over it well so it is likely riddled with mistakes. Please leave some more feedback. I am not that great at writing dialogue, but I hope it is sufficient. That aside I am going to bed and will edit further in the morning. I edited a bit after I posted. just some small things that I could see.

This post has been edited by Krimzon: 27 August 2009 - 12:58 AM

[darkone22]

Nice start. You had more description than your first chapter. Keep writting I will keep reading.

[soldierofwill]

That was actually pretty good. I notice you keep putting down you own story. Don't do that, especially in your sig. I mean who wants to read something that the writer hates. Other than that you are progressing nicely, even though it is the second chapter . I saw no grammar mistakes.
Keep it up!
your reader soldierofwill. Bye,

[Eragon S Bromsson]

Nice start, but I think you could use a little more description, as the others have put it.
Waiting for the update my friend!

[Burrosis]

I agree with the others... It is an improvement on your first chapter. Towards the end however your tiredness showed as it was a little rushed. Beyond that it was a well written chapter. Although I do urge you to do something unexpected soon, because many of the FanFics have started like this.

This post has been edited by Burrosis: 27 August 2009 - 01:10 AM

[StarSapphireWolf]

I thought that was great chapter now go take a good long rest and we'll all see you tomorrow!

~ You're Reader, Star