[Dempton]

This is my first fanfic so please be gentle when commenting.Also don't hesitate to tell me where I need improvement.

Disclaimer:Most characters belong to CP and his wonderful series the Inheritance Cycle.Also some of the ideas in the story may resemble those in a few other fanfics,notably Breoal of JS and DS of Evarya. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 1

When Uru'baen came into sight,the storm of emotions which Murtagh had laid to rest the previous night again awoke.He nervously clenched and unclenched his hands a few times,not sure how he would be received back at the city.He was angry and regretful at the same time.Regretful b/c he had killed the gold dragon and his Rider,and angry b/c it had not been him that swung the sword,but had been forced to by the dark king that he hated.

As,he steeled himself for the torture ahead,he admired the way Thorn's scales reflected the light,dazzling him with the beauty it created.Thorn spoke "What is it little one?I sense great discomfort in you.",his conciousness ancient and wise in his mind,yet comforting.

"It's just the fact we now have further proof that we are nothing but tools in Galbatorix's hands.I didn't want to kill the Rider over Gil'ead yet Galbatorix forced me to swing my blade.And I hate that.

Thorn replied "But aren't you glad that instead of us it was them that died?Would you rather we had died,b/c they were also trying to kill us.

Of course I'm glad that we survived.What bothers me is that the Rider was defenceless.Yes I'm angry at that Rider as well.He could have done so much for us.He could have helped us change our true names so we are no longer beholden to Galbatorix. But I keep on feeling regret for being the tool of his demise."Murtagh said,putting as much anger against Galbatorix into his voice,which was already dripping with venom.

Thorn replied "Little one you are not evil.It was not you who swung the sword was it?Both of us felt Galbatorix control our actions so how can you blame yourself for their deaths?

"What bothers me is that I was the tool.You are right that it was not my mind which commanded my arm to swing the sword,yet the arm was mine." Murtagh insisted.

Thorn said "You are so stubborn aren't you?Lets talk of other matters.How far are you in changing your true name?

Murtagh said "I've been reading Galbatorix's notes on changing them.He has a surprising large amount of notes on the subject for one who enslaves with them and would rather avoid taking chances.It says you have to change such a fundamental part of your personality that it affects your personality.My true name is Shurtugal abr Sundavar b/c I am regretful about what I've done so I can't just change a small portion of my personality such as I suddenly decide I don't like aerial dives.No I'll have to let go of my regret whether I am happy or not so I am no longer Shurtugal abr Sundavar but something like maybe Shurtugal abr Ilian or Shurtugal abr Zar'roc.And it'll have to be heartfelt not that I pretend I'm happy or miserable.No it must be genuine.It's quite complicated so it may take a while.

"It is rather confusing." Thorn said "Lets remove such dark thoughts from our minds and lets have some fun.I haven't had any since the night we left for Gil'ead.

"Thorn are you sure you're up to it?You just lost two-thirds of your tail.Hopefully he'll be able to regrow it."

"I'm sure.Now tighten your saddle straps around you".With that said Thorn tucked in his wings and dived,and performed a few more aerobatics.Both of them loved this feeling,being weightless and having the air whip past them.Murtagh's long brown hair blew past his handsome face.

"Lets go now.Don't try the riskier aerobatics until you get your tail back.You'll hurt yourself.The king will be waiting.Thanks for all you did Thorn.It helped."Murtagh let his gratitude flow across their bond and detected happiness flowing from Thorn.

With that said,they continued flying towards the dark city,steeling themselves for the torture each was about to endure.

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I know this one probably isn't very good but I was testing out my skills.Critique anyway.This is just a filler type chapter also experimental(I wanted to see how well I describe emotions and stuff.)

This post has been edited by Dempton: 26 October 2009 - 09:43 AM

[nagra]

This is a good start, but you should try and make your chapters longer. YOu should also try and describe the surroundings.

Also, this isn't really my area of correction so I can't tell you how to do it, but people are going ot tell you there's something wrong with your dialogue.

Your description is great, because I am actually able to understand how Murtagh is feeling.
Your story is also original! Props to you : )

One question: Is this story from Murtagh's POV or is it a mixed one with a dominant character?


Good luck with the rest of your story!

This post has been edited by nagra: 27 August 2009 - 01:12 PM

[golden glaedr]

This is an interesting story. I agree with nagra, you should make your chapters longer, but not too long and good description.

Anyway, this is an interesting story, and I like it.

Gloden glaedr

[Burrosis]

First off I want to tell you to not shorten words. i.e. b/c Write out because. Not to bad for your first try. You do want more description and a little refining on your dialogue. There were a few forgotten commas and some grammar issues but nothing to serious.

You went in a different direction than most with your FanFic. I'll give you props for that.

Keep writing and improving.

[soldierofwill]

Hi ya! Good to see a new fan-fic. Nice emotion and description, it was well written. Although one thing:

"Murtagh's long brown hair blew past his handsome face."

Someone likes Murtagh .
Like Burrosis said: Don't shorten words because you think it's faster or whatever goes through your mind when you write. Another thing, put a space after your periods. It is just proper grammar. Sorry for being the one to point out your mistakes.
All in all it was good. Hope to see more.
Your new reader soldierofwill. Bye

[Dempton]

Thanks you guys!Getting used to writing longer chapters will probably take me some time,b/c at school the longest essay I ever wrote was around 500 words.Thank you everyone for your posts it raised my morale a bit.What POV do you want in the next chapter?Do you want another Murtagh POV or would you rather I go back to Eragon and co.?

[StarSapphireWolf]

Thanks you guys!Getting used to writing longer chapters will probably take me some time,b/c at school the longest essay I ever wrote was around 500 words.Thank you everyone for your posts it raised my morale a bit.What POV do you want in the next chapter?Do you want another Murtagh POV or would you rather I go back to Eragon and co.?

Thats ok take you're time with long chapters! And I would say do a POV of Eragon, Arya, or Saphira, one of the three.

~ You're Interested Reader, Star

[Dempton]

I'm going to wait till eight p.m Pakistan time.After that,the desire of the majority will be accomadated and I'll start typing chapter 2 in that POV.Probably it will be either Arya or Eragon POV.


Edit:Update will be up in half an hour to an hour

This post has been edited by Dempton: 28 August 2009 - 09:41 AM

[Dempton]

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CHAPTER 2:


A lonely figure stood on a cliff overlooking the sea near Feinster. It was Arya. The green eyed elf had been here ever since last night when seeking to evade the stench of death that pervaded every breath of air near Feinster and in the Varden's camp. She closed her eyes and thought back to the events that had occured two days ago. It had been two days since the Varden had taken Feinster, two days since she had slain Varaug with Eragon's assistance and had earned the title Shadeslayer, and finally, two days since one of her last reminders of Faolin, Oromis and Glaedr,had been slain over Gil'ead by the slaves Thorn and Murtagh. It all sounded so surreal, yet was real.

Her thoughts wandered back to Eragon. Eragon. the person who had rescued her from Gil'ead, the person who had raced against time itself to save her life, winning by a few hours, the person who had slain Durza and thus saved the dwarves, the person who she had been forced to reject in Ellesmera, the person who had saved her from death in Feinster twice, the person who was Alagaesia's final and greatest hope for freedom, and,the only person she had truly opened up to except for two others, Faolin and .....him(not a reference to Eragon). She wished he would come back soon, for she was missing him with all her heart. Despite the common perception that he was just a fine weapon against Galbatorix, she was one of the only people to have seen the other side of Eragon: kind, compassionate, friendly and yet firm and with an iron determination and will at the same time.

"Why did I fall into his arms two days ago?" she wondered. "Have I really become so comfortable around him that I ignored reason and flung myself into his arms? That I felt that he would protect me from all harm?T hat I was loath to leave his warm arms? Do I really feel something more for him than a friend?

Her mind cried:"No! He is nothing more than a friend. I can't distract him he's too important a weapon against Galbatorix. Faolin was my mate!

Her heart replied: "He is not a weapon! He is also a living, breathing person! Do not lie to yourself Arya you do feel something more than friendship for him. You are just too confused about your feelings to know that. And it isn't bad! Even Eragon needs friends besides Saphira to stand by him in times of difficulty. You are the one who can support him through his task.

Her internal battle vanished when she heard a dull, but repetitive "thud" sound. She knew who it was and sure enough a few minutes later, a beautiful sapphire dragon majestically descended from the sky next to her, a saddle on her back and on it was the very person about whom an internal battle was raging inside her, Eragon. He was sound asleep and was in a sorry state. His fine blue tunic which had looked so well on him in Ellesmera, was bedraggled, his normally neat brown hair was unkempt. A wispy beard had appeared after two days of neglecting shaving. Saphira looked little better. Her scales which normally dazzled people had lost their luster, and she seemed exhausted.

"Greetings, Emerald Eyes." a wise and comforting presence filled her mind.

"Greetings, Saphira." Arya replied.She hesitated for a moment and then asked "How is he now?", her voice filled with concern, much to her surprise, instead of her normal monotone.

Saphira wearily answered "Little one has not been well. He spoke little while we flew and fell asleep on the way back. He keeps on thinking that anyone who gets close to him gets hurt and that somehow, he is responsible for the deaths of his uncle, his father Brom, and Oromis.

Arya protested "But that's preposterous. It's Galbatorix and his minions who are responsible not him. He couldn't have saved his uncle without giving you up, which he would never have done, he could not have saved Brom because the knife was directed towards him and Brom jumped in front of him, and he could not have saved Oromis as he was hundreds of miles distant from us."

Saphira said "I know Emerald Eyes, maybe you could talk some sense into him when he wakes. Now could you please remove Eragon and the saddle from me? I wish to rest."

"Of course." Arya got up, gently removed the young Rider from the saddle, laid him on the ground, and removed the saddle.

"The two of you should rest, Nasuada called a council in the morning so we should be fresh for it." However Saphira snorted "I am not exhausted Arya, only my wings need a little rest". She unfolded one massive wing enveloping her Rider to keep him warm. She nuzzled him gently and lovingly with her snout, and soon a smile unfolded on Eragon's troubled face.It seemed that his waking dreams were now peaceful.

"Come, Emerald Eyes, shelter under my wing as well. It'll be warm and I sense you are getting cold.

"Thank you Saphira, I accept your kind offer." Arya walked over to Saphira and lied down,while a massive wing enveloped her as well.After the cold sea wind, the warmth was welcome.

"Think nothing of it. I know how much you mean to Eragon, and it was least I could do. Now sleep, you have a council meeting in a few hours for which you must be fresh. I shall ward off intruders."

Arya took one last glance at Saphira's wing and slipped off into her waking dreams.

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Whew!Here's the promised chapter.Critique PLEASE.

This post has been edited by Dempton: 28 August 2009 - 11:10 AM

[Dempton]

No-one’s commented so here’s the next chapter. Critique for both in your posts.





CHAPTER 3:



The sun was shining brightly when Eragon woke. He struggled to remember the events of the past few days. Then it came to him. He had returned to the Varden and helped take Feinster, then he and Arya had fought and killed a Shade in the city’s keep, and then had come the dreadful news of Oromis’s and Glaedr’s deaths. He and Saphira had been flying for most of the past few days. And while they were nearing Feinster on the return journey, he had fallen asleep.



Saphira woke and said “Morning Little one. How are you feeling now?”



He replied “ I’m better, but I still can’t keep my mind from dwelling on memories of Master Oromis.” “Be strong Little one.We must be, if not for any one person, then for the good of Alagaesia.For if we grieve, we surrender to the dark egg-breaker.”



“I...I don’t want to fight anymore Saphira. It seems everyone I get close to is maimed or worse. Garrow, Brom, Oromis, the villagers in Carvahall, among a few. All I have left is you, Arya, Roran, and Katrina. It’s only a matter of time before he takes all of you as well.



Saphira snarled “The oath-breaker will never take me from you. He shall have to kill me first.” Saphira softly licked his face and nuzzled him lovingly.



Eragon looked over at his majestic sapphire dragon and smiled for the first time in days. “Thank you Saphira for hatching for me. But you’ve never told me one thing. Why did you hatch for me? What did you see in me that you never saw in the children among the elves and the Varden?



“The reasons are simple. You and your family are born leaders. But in you I detected an iron will and determination, and also you were caring and kind. In short, I saw all the qualities in you that a Rider should have. That is why I hatched for you and rejected the rest.” Saphira replied. She then showered all her love and affection for her Rider through their mental bond.



He smiled, got up and hugged her and sensed Saphira’s contentment as she hummed an unfamiliar melody. Then she said “Come Little one, Nasuada has ordered a council meeting and you need to bathe and shave.” “How do you know? We’ve been away for two days.” Eragon said, surprised.



“Oh, I just met a certain someone on the beach while you were asleep and she happened to tell me.” Saphira said slyly. “In fact she’s still here.”



“Where is this person? I don’t see anyone.”



At that precise moment a yawn rippled through the air. To Eragon, it seemed like the birds had started singing one of their most beautiful melodies. Eragon however knew that voice and flushed. Saphira was roaring with laughter inside. “What?” Eragon said. “Oh nothing. It’s just that you should have seen the expression on your face. It was the look of a person who had found complete peace.”



Arya emerged from under Saphira’s right wing and stood up. Eragon said “Atra esterni ono thelduin, Arya Shadeslayer”. Arya groaned and said “Don’t Eragon; friends don’t need to use the traditional greetings.” “Of course, Arya Svitkona.” Eragon joked.



“Neither do we need to use honorifics, fellow Shadeslayer” she retorted. “Point taken” Eragon admitted. There was a moment of silence before Eragon said “What are you doing here Arya?” Arya was still sleepy so she showed him her memories of the past few days, though making sure to keep her thoughts about him hidden. Then she said “How are you feeling right now Eragon? Have you gotten over Oromis’s and Glaedr’s deaths?”



If Eragon had been paying more attention, he would have detected a tiny hint of concern in her voice. He replied “I have come to term with their deaths, but I still blame myself for them.” Arya replied “Saphira told me very much the same. Think logically Eragon, what could you have done to help them, and how did you strike them down? Was it you who wielded Zar’roc? Was it your claw that struck Glaedr? Was it…..”



“You don’t understand Arya.” Eragon almost yelled, his eyes filling with tears. “Galbatorix immobilized them, gave them a chance to join them, and then struck Oromis. Then when Glaedr tried to kill Thorn, he died as well. And the last thought I heard was ‘Alone’. It’s only a matter of time before Galbatorix does the same with either you or Saphira. What if one of us died?”



Before Arya could reply Saphira put forward her snout and started nuzzling Eragon again, and said “Oh Little one, you are so stubborn. As I said before, no-one will ever take me from you. And if the opposite happens….” A tear filled Saphira’s big sapphire eyes. She knew what she would do if Eragon died. Take revenge on his killers, kill the dark-oathbreaker-king and then join the partner-of-her-mind-and-heart Eragon in the void.



Arya gently said “My being friends with you does not put me in danger Eragon. In fact it serves as the opposite. No, it is my position as elven princess and ambassador that puts me in danger. Nothing is going to happen to me because of that.



She embraced him and they remained like that for a while, with Eragon quietly sobbing on her shoulder. To her surprise, she wanted to ensure that he never came to such a condition again.



A few moments later Eragon pried himself out of her arms and said “Eka elrun ono, Arya.” “I had to; it was my duty as a friend.” And inside she was thinking “Why did I do that? Was it just out of concern as a friend or is it something deeper?”



Eragon then said “Let’s go, Nasuada will be waiting and both of us need to get ready.” “I agree lets go.” Arya concurred.



Both of them strapped themselves onto the saddle on top of Saphira and with a flap of her wings, the mighty dragon launched off into the air and headed towards the Varden’s camp.





I know that this isn’t one of my better chapters, but please critique. And post comments, I didn’t get any for the last chapter.

[Flamix]

hey, not bad but now theres gotta be a real cool battle!! Il come over or you come over next week and ill help you out =)

[Dempton]

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CHAPTER 4:

Murtagh was kneeling in front of the king, while the latter sifted through his mind, deliberately causing pain wherever he was displeased. The throne room was enormous, and the walls were adorned with fairths of Riders and dragons being slain.Above each fairth were the heads of both the Rider and the dragon depicted, and below each one, was the slain Rider's sword. The throne itself was made of marble which was painted black, and positioned near the rear of the room, supported by dragon claws. Behind the throne, the wall was devoted to a detailed map of Alagaesia.

The huge midnight dragon Shruikan, lay beside the throne. It was because of Shruikan that Galbatorix had made the room so huge. He wanted to give his most precious servant comfort, which he received. Although Galbatorix was relatively lenient to Shruikan compared to his other servants, Shruikan had never forgiven the dark king for killing his original Rider and kidnapping him. Throughout his hundred years of slavery, he had been struggling against the bonds Galbatorix had bound him with, but to no avail. His black eyes were full of remorse and regret, for he had ended the lives of so many of the dragons depicted in the fairths.

The king himself looked majestic. He looked relatively young, with short dark hair, black eyes, and slightly pointed ears, His face was slightly angled like an elf's. Although most people took him to be a mad, demented, ruler, a talented eye-gazer could detect a slight hint of sadness and remorse in him. For time had not healed the void in his heart which had opened when his brown dragon, Jarnunvosk, had fallen to the Urgals in the Spine. He often dreamed of the incident at night, hearing the ragged breaths of his dying comrades, the dying screams of his dragon as the arrow pierced her heart, her last words asking him not to mourn her and remain sane. By his side, in a black sheath, was a longsword of the same colour, with an onyx embedded in it.

"You have been made into the most powerful member of the Wyrdfell, even stronger than your father, yet you are one of the most worthless ones. I would gladly trade a hundred of you and Thorn for getting back your father and his dragon as they were before Du Namar Aurboda." the king said softly, his voice rich and smooth.Yet his tone had a deadly edge to it. "Even with the power of twenty eldunari, you are not able to overcome a crippled Rider and his maimed dragon. Pray tell me, how will you overcome your brother and his dragon and manage to bring them back to Uru'baen?"

"If only you didn't torture us so much for failure, we would be able to. It's the constant fear of your torture that makes us hasty and makes us fail." Murtagh replied, intending to make his captor as angry for possible. He was not disappointed.

"Boy, you are as insolent as you are pitiful and weak!". Suddenly Murtagh felt his mind being invaded and knew it was Galbatorix trying to ravage it. The pain was intense. It felt as if his head was on fire and then getting beaten to a pulp without him dying. Then it stopped.

"Enough, for now. Come with me, and hurry or I'll make you.". The king got up and moved towards the rear of the room, where a small door was concealed. It looked small, but Murtagh knew better. This was where the hoard of eldunari and the green egg were stored, and thus layered with so many wards that the security was only rivalled by the defences of Du Weldenvarden. Only a few select people were allowed in here.

The king walked over to the door, muttered " Eka eddyr Galbatorix Konungr" and the door opened. Murtagh said " Eka eddyr Murtagh Morzansson", and was also allowed entry past the wards. The room was square in shape, with a pedestal holding the green egg in the centre, and sacks full of glowing eldunari in the corners. The king walked over the egg, took it off the pedestal, and handed it to Murtagh. The egg's beauty transfixed him for several seconds. The egg was dark emerald, with white veins criss-crossing it's surface in intricate patterns.

'Pay attention.", the king said. "Now as you know, the Empire is under attack from multiple directions, the Varden and dwarves to the south and the elves to the north. Now I need another Rider so we can hold both fronts. Travel throughout the Empire's cities, and parade the egg past the people there. If no Rider is found, report back to me at once and return. If forced into a confrontation with your brother, escape at all costs. The egg must not fall into the Varden's hands, else it has greater possibility of hatching due to the elven presence. You will leave for Belatona at dawn. Now go and rest."

Murtagh bowed his head "As you wish my lord.", and was about to leave when Galbatorix said " Shurtugal abr Sundavar, you must swear that you will not give this egg willingly to the Varden nor will you disobey my previous commands. Now take thirty eldunari and go."

Murtagh quickly swore the requested oaths in the ancient language and picked up twenty small and ten large eldunari from the pile. Then he left to saddle Thorn for the long journey and curled up besides him. His last concious thoughts before falling asleep were attempts to find loopholes in his oaths, and happiness that he now had means of redeeming himself with the Varden as well as because he had found a loophole.

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Again probably not very good, but it's an important filler chapter for later events.

[Shruikanisbeast]

Amazing fanfic bro, you have a few capitalizing issues but I love your plot. But please indent your paragraphs!!!

[Shruikanisbeast]

Bad news is you need to change your title, Thorn Pwns made "Freedom" back in July but redid it. And also the font change in the middle kinda threw me off.

[soldierofwill]

@ Shruikanisbeast: Ok seriously, it is getting pretty annoying for you to keep complaining over and over again spamming the topic. Please use the PM.

@ Dempton good job so far man. Nice job with emotion and description.
Keep it up!
Your reader soldierofwill. Bye