[StarSapphireWolf]

I would love some critque but not to harsh, this is my first fan-fiction!

~ You're Fellow Writer, StarSapphireWolf  eepplz.png (6.09K)
Number of downloads: 0

Shur'tugal un Skulblaka

Chapter 1: Meeting, Pg. 1
Chapter 2: Nightmares and Nasuada's Invitation, Pg. 4
Chapter 3: Women Talking, Pg. 6
Chapter 4: Murtagh's and Thorn's Arrival, Pg. 8
Chapter 5: Another Faliure, Pg. 10
Chapter 6: Eragon..., Pg. 12
Chapter 7: A Desperate Attempt For the Cure!, Pg. 12
Chapter 8: Find and Fight, Pg. 12
Chapter 9: Dragon Magic!,, Pg. 12
Chapter 10: Trapped in the Darkness..., Pg. 15
Chapter 11: Awakened Rider, Pg. 16
Chapter 12: A Frightening Tale, Pg. 20
[Chapter 13: A Cousin Returned!, Pg. 21
Chapter 14: Islanzadi's Request, Pg. 23
Chapter 15: Flight to Gil'ead And a Dissapointed Spy, Pg. 24
Chapter 16: Elven Camp, Pg. 27
Chapter 17: Two Problems One Mission, Pg. 34
Chapter 18: Art, Pg. 36
Chapter 19: Do Not Fail Me!, Pg. 37
Chapter 20: Camp Fire And Plans, Pg. 39
Chapter 21: Skulblakas Zar'roc, Pg. 42
Chapter 22: Domia Abr Wydra And Three Activities! (Part 1), Pg. 48

Chapter 1: Meeting

Eragon sat on a hill, Saphira asleep beside, meditating. But the thoughts of his masters' death, and body death always came back to him.

I'm alone now... who will teach me more of my training? Why do all people who get close to me die? Am I a curse set upon this world...? For all those who protect me and get close to me suffer for it. Eragon thought sadly, blaming himself for all the deaths that had happen to his family. Then his thoughts set on Roran Will he die too? If he does I might go mad for hes the only one of my family left that shares my blood...Murtagh doesn't count. When Eragon said Murtagh pity, and anger boiled up inside him. Saphira must have noticed for she woke up and lifted her head, yawning, and pushed all his previous thoughts away from his mind.

Little One don't let these thoughts linger in you're mind, you should not ponder them so much fate shall decide itself. Saphira's voiced soothed Eragon as it always had and her wisdom had beaten all those that lived on Alagaësia, to his knowing.

You're right Saphira, but why are all my family, and father figures dying before me, I feel like I'm cursed Saphira. What if you were hurt!? What of Roran, Katrina, even Arya were hurt because of me!? Eragon said letting all the greif, anguish, anger, and blame fall on his shoulders.

Saphira didn't respond but sped up into the sky and dived down to her Rider grabing him with her ivory claws, Eragon! You are not a curse, how could you think that way? Don't blame yourself for all their deaths Little One, they died like they wanted to and believing there would be a new Alagaësia once that dark tyrant who calls himself a king is dead by you're flaming claw, Brisingr! She roared in Eragon's mind, emphasizing her point.

Eragon didn't answer her just watched as the forest below them passed by, letting Saphira's words sink into him. May I get into the sadle Saphira? He asked getting uncomfortable being clutched in her paw.

Saphira gave a dragon-like smile, knowing that she had won like many times before Of course Little One she said her voice soft and caring, all the love she had for Eragon pouring into him.

Eragon smiled back and Saphira let go of him, letting him drop through the sky. But Eragon was not worried for he knew she would catch him. when Saphira was satisfied with his falling length she dove after him and let him crash into the saddle on his back, You could of gotten ready rather then falling there back first, she teased him while laughing. Eragon righted himelf and strapped into the saddle, at that time someone touched his mind gently, it was Arya, he let her in and asked What is it, Arya?

Eragon, Nasuada wishes an audience with you about the attack on Belatona.

I'll be there when I get back to camp. Eragon said in a bored tone.

Eragon I know you think this is nothing of importance, but it is still for the Varden as well... Arya said with her impassive cold voice. Eragon didn't answer her, but was lost in his own thoughts of what she had said and how he could remove the cold, emotionless, shell.

Arya retreated from his mind as the minutes grew longer and he didn't answer. Eragon snapped back to reality when Saphira did a corkscrew. Eragon whooped but thier fun was not to last when they started to land at a clearing where Nasuada had set for Saphira as her landing spot. Saphira touched the ground with a loud 'Thud' from her massive sapphire bulk, Good god Saphira lay off the dear. Eragon teased his partner-of-his-heart-and-mind, he unstrapped the saddle and came in contact with the grass covered ground, but he didn't notice Saphira getting ready to pounce on him from behind.

Saphira swung her tail from side to side, like a cat stalking its next prey. She jumped on pinned Eragon to the ground, when she had jumped he turned around and they were face to face. Saphira snorted and smoke came out of her snout, Now what did you tell me about dear... she huffed.

You know you can only pin me to the ground cause you're bigger then me. Eragon laughed, but he apoligized to Saphira, I'm sorry that I teased you about you're size and weight partner-of-my-heart-and-mind.

Saphira lifted her paw from him and unfurled her wings, I'll race you to Nasuada's pavilion and if you win I'll except you're apoligy! she got on her haunches and Eragon protested.

But nothing can out run or fly, a dragon unless its a dragon itself! How are you going to except my apoligy if you win?

We'll see about that... Saphira hefted herself into the sky, her scales glittering when the sun's rays hit them, no one could match her buety, she was Queen of the Sky.

Ergaon grinned. Cheater he grumbled and he heard Saphira's laugh like stones grinding against eachother. Eragon raced off into the Vardens camp and neared the tents of the villagers in Carvahall. He weaved through all the tents that were of a simple brown color, he almost crashed into Roran if he he didn't step aside.

"Hey, watch it Eragon! What are you doing anyway!?"

"I'm racing Saphira to Nasuada's tent!" Eragon called over his shoulder, Roran's booming laughter echoed across the tents and Roran ran after him. Eragon didn't know why Roran was coming with but he still wanted Saphira to except his apoligy so he increased his pace, as now he was a blur to only the eyes of an elf. Eragon soon spotted Nasuada's red pavilion, he skidded to a halt infront of the Nighthawks and panted, leaning over and putting his hands on his knees. Eragon straightened himself and said "Eragon Shadeslayer, summoned by Nasuada." his voice hid all emotion as well as his face, he had practice since the Agaetí Blodhren, for elves commonly used it. The urgal Nighthawk stuck his head inside to tell Nasuada.

"Let him in!" shouted a voice inside the pavilion as Eragon recognized as Nausauda.

Eragon walked inside as a Nighthawk stepped aside to let him pass. "Good Eragon, you're here." He heard Nasuada say as the tent flap closed. Nasuada was looking at a map on a table, with the Council of Elders, some other nobles he didn't know, Lady Lorona, and Arya, his heart skipped at beat when he saw Arya, his gaze lingered on her, no one noticed cause when Eragon looked at her a Nighthawk popped his head inside and said "Roran Stronghammer is here Lady Nightstalker."

"Let him in!" Nasuada said again but he attention was mainly on the map in front of her.

Eragon finally noticed the sapphire head of Saphira, who was looking intently at him. Eragon opened his mind to her.

You lose Little One

I know, but do you except my apoligy? Eragon asked as he sat in the chair next to Arya, Saphira was behind them.

Didn't I say we'll see about that. Saphira started laughing witch got everbodys attention, some looked at her like she was going to eat them. Silly humans Saphira thought and laughed harder.

Eragon started to laugh as well, mainly cause of Saphira's amusement by her emotions from there connections. A mind brushed against Eragon as he reconized as Arya, he let her in and got a mental shout,

Eragon, what do you think you're doing!

Its Saphira, shes laughing so hard cause of everybodys' reaction! Eragon shouted back but not harshly, but pain came to his leg when he felt some one kick him. Eragon stopped laughing and gritted his teeth, he glanced at Arya seeing her try to hide a smile. Eragon nodded his thanks but looked back at Saphira, Eragon tried to cut the connection as best as he could, so her amusement didn't effect him, Saphira stopped laughing when she relized what she had done. Eragon let her back in his mind and felt her embarrassment.

Sorry. She snorted.

I'll only except you're apology if you except mine. Eragon said as he turned away from his partner.

Alright, I except you're apology... now do you except mine?

Saphira I can never stay mad at you, aye I except. Eragon heard Saphira grunt then he payed attention to Nasuada as she looked at Eragon with a raised eyebrow. Eragon waved his hands saying they didn't need to talk about it. Nasuada nodded and began talking.

"Belatona is gaurded by stone walls, I thought if Eragon and Saphira can destroy the archer outposts and then help bring down the gate, we can enter and head are way down to the keep, but there may be some magicians with Belatona that Galbatorix had sent to destroy the Varden and capture Eragon and Saphira, but Murtagh could be there as well, waiting for a perfect time to attack when Eragon and Spahira are weakened..." Nasuada went on about her plan to attack Belatona. Eragon sensed another presence in his mind, besides Saphira, that had confusion coming from it. Eragon thought it didn't even know it was in his mind. Eragon tapped at the mind just to see who it was. It opened up and let him in freely but Eragon just said.

What are you doing in the corners of my mind Arya?

I'm not in-! Arya started to say but relized that she was and retreated in her own mind away from Eragon's. Eragon glanced at Arya and thought he saw the tips of her ears red, but before he could look again, Arya's raven hair covered them. He pondered at it until Nasuada tunred to him and asked "Eragon, what do you think of sending a group to Belatona to attack and then if anything amiss happens or we've waited to long that we send another group to accompany them?" Eragon thought for a moment then asked Saphira.

What do you think?

Even thought I would love to stretch my wings in a battle, I agree.

"I agree with sending one group to Belatona then sending a second afterwards." Eragon said to Nasuada, after nodding to Saphira. Nasuada stood up and called "You are all dismissed!" And turned heading to her private courters that were connected to the council area. Eragon saw Saphira yawn, she had fell asleep during the meeting but Eragon had woken her up by asking her Nasuada's question, she retreated her head out of the pavilion her scales reflecting off of the light made beautiful reflection's on the tent walls. Eragon was the last to exit but collided with some one who was going back in to enter. "Sorry" Eragon said hurriedly rubbing his head from thier contact, he looked to see who it was, to his surprise it was Arya.

"No I'm the one whos sorry Eragon. Now I have to speak to Nasuada about something." Arya nodded to Nasuada's private area. Eragon stepped aside and let her in as he continued on his way to his tent.

When Eragon arrived he could see Saphira curled up next to his tent sleeping, whenever she breathed out of her nose a foot long of fire came out and charred the grass leaving smoke to rise from it. Eragon greeted his gaurds that surrounded his tent and stepped inside. It was simple a table, two chairs, his packs that kept Glaedr's Eldurnari, the Domia Abr Wydra, and his armor. There was also a place for his clothes in a wooden cabinet, and three fairths that Eragon had turned invisible for he didn't want anyone to see them but him.

The first was of Saphira, she was flying with the horizon behind her, and her scales shining, nothing could match her beauty.

The second was of Oromis and Glaedr, his masters, they were with each other, Glaedr standing proud by the cliff that was by the hut, with the moon behind them as with the mountains Eragon had seen when he was being taught his lessons, Oromis was looking up at the moon with Naegling, which shimmered in the moonlight, Glaedr scales were bathed in the bright whiteness form the moon up above in the star covered sky as was Oromis's silver hiar, Oromis was wearing golden tunic that match Glaedr's golden scales on his massive bulk, and brown leggings.

The third was of Arya sitting on a branch in the Menoa Tree, her impassive mask gone, she was smiling and had a happy expression, her raven hair waved behind and her emerald eyes fixed up at the cloudy blue sky. The forest around her a lush green. Eragon looked away from them and layed down on his cot, he took off his tunic and layed down, closing his eyes he entered his waking dreams.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Not much of a good writer, but it'll do! Give me any critque and comment thx you! And the next chapter will be here in... I don't really know yet.

This post has been edited by StarSapphireWolf: 22 December 2009 - 05:10 PM

[ERASTRESHTIN WRTR]

Sorry but it needs some working like, instead of using 'except' for the apology part. Use 'accept'. And for each paragraph do it as if you saw it in a book, I see what you were trying to do and I understand. But also think about it like this, in a book, when the author says that his character is about to go to sleep and does. He usually spaces the paragraph like you did. Which if you tried that type of writing it would confuse readers...

Nice though. But like I said 'needs more work.'
Just in case (I don't know if you do this or not) but look over the writing and find all the errors.


( I in no way meant anything to hurt you, but only to try and give my opinions and my advice. Just so that there are no misunderstandings with H.A.'s)

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  Number of downloads: 16

[StarSapphireWolf]

Sorry but it needs some working like, instead of using 'except' for the apology part. Use 'accept'. And for each paragraph do it as if you saw it in a book, I see what you were trying to do and I understand. But also think about it like this, in a book, when the author says that his character is about to go to sleep and does. He usually spaces the paragraph like you did. Which if you tried that type of writing it would confuse readers...

Nice though. But like I said 'needs more work.'
Just in case (I don't know if you do this or not) but look over the writing and find all the errors.


( I in no way meant anything to hurt you, but only to try and give my opinions and my advice. Just so that there are no misunderstandings with H.A.'s)

Thank you, I'll try that. I know I need some work, I haven't been writing for a long time. I will read it over!

~ SSW

[Hazuki3]

Okay, not to be to critiquee I'm going to only point out spelling mistakes. Very good first Ch. though.

I would love some critque but not to harsh, this is my first fan-fiction!

~ You're Fellow Writer, StarSapphireWolf

Shur'tugal And Skulblaka

Chapter 1: Meeting

Eragon sat on a hill, Saphira by his side, meditating. But the thoughts of his masters', death, and body death always came back to him.

I'm alone now... who will teach me more of my training? Why do all people who get close to me die? Am I a curse set upon this world...? For all those who protect me and get close to me suffer for it. Eragon thought sadly, blaming himself for all the deaths that had happen to his family. Then his thoughts set on Roran Will he die too? If he does I might go mad for hes the only one of my family left that shares my blood...Murtagh doesn't count. When Eragon said Murtagh pity, and anger boiled up inside him. Saphira must have noticed for she woke up and lifted her head, yawning, and pushed all his previous thoughts away from his mind.

Little One don't let these thoughts linger in you're mind, you should not ponder them so much fate shall decide itself. Saphira's voiced soothed Eragon as it always had and her wisdom had beaten all those that lived on Alagaësia, to his knowing.

You're right Saphira, but why are all my family, and father figures, dying before me, I feel like I'm cursed Saphira. What if you were hurt!? What of Roran, Katrina, even Arya were hurt because of me!? Eragon said letting all the greif, anguish, anger, and blame fall on his shoulders.

Saphira didn't respond but sped up into the sky and dived down to her Rider grabing him wiht her ivory claws, Eragon! You are not a curse, how could you think that way? Don't blame yourself for all there deaths Little One, they died like they wanted to and believing there would be a new Alagaësia once that dark tyrant who calls himself a king is dead by you're flaming claw, Brisingr! She roared in Eragon's mind, emphasizing her point.

Eragon didn't answer her just watched as the forest below them past by, letting Saphira's words sink into him. May I get into the saddle Saphira? He asked getting uncomfortable being clutched in her paw.

Saphira gave a dragon-like smile, knowing that she had won like many times before Of course Little One she said her voice soft and caring, all the love she had for Eragon pouring into him.

Eragon smiled back and Saphira let go of him, letting him drop through the sky. But Eragon was not worried for he knew she would catch him. when Saphira was satisfied with his falling length she dove after him and let him crash into the saddle on his back, You could of gotten ready rather then falling there back first, she teased him while laughing. Eragon righted himelf and strapped into the saddle, at that time someone touched his mind gently, it was Arya, he let her in and asked What is it, Arya?

Eragon, Nasuada wishes an audience with you about the attack on Belatona.

I'll be there when I get back to camp. Eragon said in a bored tone.

Eragon I know you think this is nothing of importance, but it still for the Varden as well... Arya said with her impassive cold voice. Eragon didn't answer her, but was lost in his own thoughts of what she had said and how he could remove the cold, emotionless, shell.

Arya retreated from his mind as the minutes grew longer and he didn't answer. Eragon snapped back to reality when Saphira did a corkscrew. Eragon whooped but thier fun was not to last when they started to land at a clearing where Nasuada had set for Saphira as her landing spot. Saphira touched the ground with a loud 'Thud' from her massive sapphire bulk, Eesh Saphira lay off the dear. Eragon teased his partner-of-his-heart-and-mind, he unstrapped the saddle and came in contact with the grass covered ground, but he didn't notice Saphira getting ready to pounce on him from behind.

Saphira swung her tail from side to side, like a cat stalking its next prey. She jumped on pinned Eragon to the ground, when she had jumped he turned around and they were face to face. Saphira snorted and smoke came out of her snout, Now what did you tell me about dear... she huffed.

You know you can only pin me to the ground cause you're bigger then me. Eragon laughed, but he apoligized to Saphira, I'm sorry that I teased you about you're size and weight partner-of-my-heart-and-mind.

Saphira lifted her paw from him and unfurled her wings, I'll race you to Nasuada's pavilion and if you win I'll except you're apoligy! she got on her haunches and Eragon protested.

But nothing can out run or fly, a dragon unless its a dragon itself! How are you going to except my apoligy if you win?

We'll see about that... Saphira hefted herself into the sky, her scales glittering when the sun's rays hit them, no one could match her buety, she was Queen of the Sky.

Ergaon grinned. Cheater he grumbled and he heard Saphira's laugh like stones grinding against eachother. Eragon raced off into the Vardens camp and neared the tents of the villagers in Carvahall. He weaved through all the tents that were of a simple brown color, he almost crashed into Roran if he he didn't step aside.

"Hey, watch it Eragon! What are you doing anyway!?"

"I'm racing Saphira to Nasuada's tent!" Eragon called over his shoulder, Roran's booming laughter echoed across the tents and Roran ran after him. Eragon didn't know why Roran was coming with but he still wanted Saphira to except his apoligy so he increased his pace, as now he was a blur to only the eyes of a human. Eragon soon spotted Nasuada's red pavilion, he skidded to a halt infront of the Nighthawks and panted, leaning over and putting his hands on his knees. Eragon straightened himself and said "Eragon Shadeslayer, summoned by Nasuada." his voice hid all emotion as well as his face, he had practice since the Agaetí Blodhren, for elves commonly used it. The urgal Nighthawk stuck his head inside to tell Nasuada.

"Let him in!" shouted a voice inside the pavilion as Eragon recognized as Nausauda.

Eragon walked inside as a Nighthawk stepped aside to let him pass. "Good Eragon, you're here." He heard Nasuada say as the tent flap closed. Nasuada was looking at a map on a table, with the Council of Elders, some other nobles he didn't know, Lady Lorona, and Arya, his heart skipped at beat when he say Arya, his gaze lingered on Arya, no one noticed cause when Eragon looked at Arya a Nighthawk popped his head inside and said "Roran Stronghammer is here Lady Nightstalker."

"Let him in!" Nasuada said again but he atention was mainly on the map infront of her.

Eragon finally noticed the sapphire head of Saphira, who was looking intently at him. Eragon opened his mind to her.

You lose Little One

I know, but do you except my apoligy? Eragon asked as he sat in the vhair next to Arya, Saphira was behind them.

Didn't I say we'll see about that. Saphira started laughing witch got everbodys' attention, some looked at her like she was going to eat them. Silly humans Saphira thought and laughed harder.

Eragon started to laugh as well, mainly cause of Saphira's amusement by her emotions from there connections. A mind brushed against Eragon as he reconized as Arya, he let her in and got a mental shout,

Eragon, what do you think you're doing!

Its Saphira, shes laughing so hard cause of everybodys' reaction! Eragon shouted back but not harshly, but pain came to his leg when he felt some one kick him. Eragon stopped laughing and gritted his teeth, he glanced at Arya seeing her try to hide a smile. Eragon nodded his thanks but looked back at Saphira, Eragon tried to cut the connection as best as he could, so her amusement didn't effect him, Saphira stopped laughing when she relized what she had done. Eragon let her back in his mind and felt her embrassment.

Sorry. She snorted.

I'll only except you're apoligy if you except mine. Eragon said as he turned away from his partner.

Alright, I except you're apoligy... now do you except mine?

Saphira I can never stay mad at you, yes I except. Eragon heard Saphira grunt then he payed attention to Nasuada as she looked at Eragon with a raised eye brow. Eragon waved his hands saying they didn't mean to talk about it. Nasuada nodded and began talking.

"Belatona is gaurded by stone walls, I thought if Eragon and Saphira can destroy the archer out post and them help bring down the gate, we can enter and head are way down to the keep, but there may be some magiacians with Belatona that Galbatorix had sent to destroy the Varden and capture Eragon and Saphira, but Murtagh could be there as well, waiting for a perfect time to attack when Eragon and Spahira are weakened..." Nasuada went on about her plan to attack Belatona. Eragon sensed another presence in his mind, besides Saphira, that had confusion coming from it. Eragon thought it didn't even know it was in his mind. Eragon tapped at the mind just to see who t was. It opened up and let him in freely but Eragon just said.

What are you doing in the corners of my mind Arya?

I'm not in-! Arya started to say but relized that she was and retreated in her own mind away from Eragon's. Eragon glanced at Arya and thought he saw the tips of her ears red, but before he could look again, Arya's raven hair covered them. He pondered at it until Nasuada tunred to him and asked "Eragon, what do you think of sending a group to Belatona to attack and then if anything a miss happens or we've waited to long that we send another group to acompany them?" Eragon thought for a moment then asked Saphira.

What do you think?

Even thought I would love to stretch my wings in a battle, I agree.

"I agree with sending one group to Belatona then sending a second afterwards." Eragon said to Nasuada, after nodding to Spahira. Nasuada stood up and called "You are all dismissed!" And turned heading to her private courters that were connected to the council area. Eragon saw Saphira yawn, she had fell asleep during the meeting but Eragon had woken her up by asking her Nasuada's question, she retreated her head out of the pavilion her scales reflecting off of the light made buetiful reflection's on the tent walls. Eragon was the last to exit but colided with some one who was going back in to enter. "Sorry" Eragon said hurriedly rubbing his head from thier contact, he looked to see who it was, to his surprise it was Arya.

"No I'm the one whos sorry Eragon. Now I have to speak to Nasuada about somthing." Arya nodded to Nasuada's private area. Eragon stepped aside and let her in witch then he continued on his way to his tent.

When Eragon arived he could see Saphira curled up next to his tent sleeping, whenever she breathed out of her nose a foot long of fire came out and charred the grass leaving smoke to rise from it. Eragon greeted his gaurds that surrounded his tent and stepped inside. It was simple a table, two chairs, his packs that kept Glaedr's Eldurnari, the Domia Abr Wydra, and his armor. Thier was also a place for his close in a wooden cabnet, and three fairths that Eragon had truned invisible for he didn't want anyone to see them but him. The first was of Saphira, she was flying with the horizon behind her, and her scales shining, nothing could match her bueaty. The seconf was of Oromis and Glaedr, his masters, they were with eachother, Glaedr standing proud by the cliff that was by the hut, with the moon behind them as with the mountains Eragon had seen when he was being taught his lessons, Oromis was looking up at the moon with Naegling, witch shimmered in the moonlight, Glaedr scales were bathed in the bright whitness form the moon up above in the star covered sky as was Oromis's silver hiar, Oromis was wearing golden tunic that match Glaedr's golden scales on his massive bulk, and brown leggings. The third was of Arya sitting on a branch in the Meano Tree, her impassive mask gone, she was smiling and had a happy expression, her raven hair waved behind and her emerald eyes fix up at the cloudy blue sky. The forest around her a lush green. Eragon looked away from them and layed down on his cot, he took off his tunic and layed down, closing his eyes he entered his waking dreams.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Not much of a good writer, but it'll do! Give me any critque and comment thx you! And the next chapter will be here in... I don't really know yet.

Blue=no letter or letters in wrong spot.
Red=wrong spelling
Green=punctuation

Great story I love it. Just don't leave a cliff or Saphira will be

This post has been edited by Hazuki3: 29 August 2009 - 07:40 PM

[Burrosis]

Not too shabby for your first chapter SSW.

I do suggest that you space out and add more description to the three fairths but beyond that it was pretty good.

Also you need a C level, before mods get on you.

This post has been edited by Burrosis: 29 August 2009 - 07:21 PM

[StarSapphireWolf]

Okay, not to be to critiquee I'm going to only point out spelling mistakes. Very good first Ch. though.

I would love some critque but not to harsh, this is my first fan-fiction!

~ You're Fellow Writer, StarSapphireWolf

Shur'tugal And Skulblaka

Chapter 1: Meeting

Eragon sat on a hill, Saphira by his side, meditating. But the thoughts of his masters', death, and body death always came back to him.

I'm alone now... who will teach me more of my training? Why do all people who get close to me die? Am I a curse set upon this world...? For all those who protect me and get close to me suffer for it. Eragon thought sadly, blaming himself for all the deaths that had happen to his family. Then his thoughts set on Roran Will he die too? If he does I might go mad for hes the only one of my family left that shares my blood...Murtagh doesn't count. When Eragon said Murtagh pity, and anger boiled up inside him. Saphira must have noticed for she woke up and lifted her head, yawning, and pushed all his previous thoughts away from his mind.

Little One don't let these thoughts linger in you're mind, you should not ponder them so much fate shall decide itself. Saphira's voiced soothed Eragon as it always had and her wisdom had beaten all those that lived on Alagaësia, to his knowing.

You're right Saphira, but why are all my family, and father figures, dying before me, I feel like I'm cursed Saphira. What if you were hurt!? What of Roran, Katrina, even Arya were hurt because of me!? Eragon said letting all the greif, anguish, anger, and blame fall on his shoulders.

Saphira didn't respond but sped up into the sky and dived down to her Rider grabing him wiht her ivory claws, Eragon! You are not a curse, how could you think that way? Don't blame yourself for all there deaths Little One, they died like they wanted to and believing there would be a new Alagaësia once that dark tyrant who calls himself a king is dead by you're flaming claw, Brisingr! She roared in Eragon's mind, emphasizing her point.

Eragon didn't answer her just watched as the forest below them past by, letting Saphira's words sink into him. May I get into the saddle Saphira? He asked getting uncomfortable being clutched in her paw.

Saphira gave a dragon-like smile, knowing that she had won like many times before Of course Little One she said her voice soft and caring, all the love she had for Eragon pouring into him.

Eragon smiled back and Saphira let go of him, letting him drop through the sky. But Eragon was not worried for he knew she would catch him. when Saphira was satisfied with his falling length she dove after him and let him crash into the saddle on his back, You could of gotten ready rather then falling there back first, she teased him while laughing. Eragon righted himelf and strapped into the saddle, at that time someone touched his mind gently, it was Arya, he let her in and asked What is it, Arya?

Eragon, Nasuada wishes an audience with you about the attack on Belatona.

I'll be there when I get back to camp. Eragon said in a bored tone.

Eragon I know you think this is nothing of importance, but it still for the Varden as well... Arya said with her impassive cold voice. Eragon didn't answer her, but was lost in his own thoughts of what she had said and how he could remove the cold, emotionless, shell.

Arya retreated from his mind as the minutes grew longer and he didn't answer. Eragon snapped back to reality when Saphira did a corkscrew. Eragon whooped but thier fun was not to last when they started to land at a clearing where Nasuada had set for Saphira as her landing spot. Saphira touched the ground with a loud 'Thud' from her massive sapphire bulk, Eesh Saphira lay off the dear. Eragon teased his partner-of-his-heart-and-mind, he unstrapped the saddle and came in contact with the grass covered ground, but he didn't notice Saphira getting ready to pounce on him from behind.

Saphira swung her tail from side to side, like a cat stalking its next prey. She jumped on pinned Eragon to the ground, when she had jumped he turned around and they were face to face. Saphira snorted and smoke came out of her snout, Now what did you tell me about dear... she huffed.

You know you can only pin me to the ground cause you're bigger then me. Eragon laughed, but he apoligized to Saphira, I'm sorry that I teased you about you're size and weight partner-of-my-heart-and-mind.

Saphira lifted her paw from him and unfurled her wings, I'll race you to Nasuada's pavilion and if you win I'll except you're apoligy! she got on her haunches and Eragon protested.

But nothing can out run or fly, a dragon unless its a dragon itself! How are you going to except my apoligy if you win?

We'll see about that... Saphira hefted herself into the sky, her scales glittering when the sun's rays hit them, no one could match her buety, she was Queen of the Sky.

Ergaon grinned. Cheater he grumbled and he heard Saphira's laugh like stones grinding against eachother. Eragon raced off into the Vardens camp and neared the tents of the villagers in Carvahall. He weaved through all the tents that were of a simple brown color, he almost crashed into Roran if he he didn't step aside.

"Hey, watch it Eragon! What are you doing anyway!?"

"I'm racing Saphira to Nasuada's tent!" Eragon called over his shoulder, Roran's booming laughter echoed across the tents and Roran ran after him. Eragon didn't know why Roran was coming with but he still wanted Saphira to except his apoligy so he increased his pace, as now he was a blur to only the eyes of a human. Eragon soon spotted Nasuada's red pavilion, he skidded to a halt infront of the Nighthawks and panted, leaning over and putting his hands on his knees. Eragon straightened himself and said "Eragon Shadeslayer, summoned by Nasuada." his voice hid all emotion as well as his face, he had practice since the Agaetí Blodhren, for elves commonly used it. The urgal Nighthawk stuck his head inside to tell Nasuada.

"Let him in!" shouted a voice inside the pavilion as Eragon recognized as Nausauda.

Eragon walked inside as a Nighthawk stepped aside to let him pass. "Good Eragon, you're here." He heard Nasuada say as the tent flap closed. Nasuada was looking at a map on a table, with the Council of Elders, some other nobles he didn't know, Lady Lorona, and Arya, his heart skipped at beat when he say Arya, his gaze lingered on Arya, no one noticed cause when Eragon looked at Arya a Nighthawk popped his head inside and said "Roran Stronghammer is here Lady Nightstalker."

"Let him in!" Nasuada said again but he atention was mainly on the map infront of her.

Eragon finally noticed the sapphire head of Saphira, who was looking intently at him. Eragon opened his mind to her.

You lose Little One

I know, but do you except my apoligy? Eragon asked as he sat in the vhair next to Arya, Saphira was behind them.

Didn't I say we'll see about that. Saphira started laughing witch got everbodys' attention, some looked at her like she was going to eat them. Silly humans Saphira thought and laughed harder.

Eragon started to laugh as well, mainly cause of Saphira's amusement by her emotions from there connections. A mind brushed against Eragon as he reconized as Arya, he let her in and got a mental shout,

Eragon, what do you think you're doing!

Its Saphira, shes laughing so hard cause of everybodys' reaction! Eragon shouted back but not harshly, but pain came to his leg when he felt some one kick him. Eragon stopped laughing and gritted his teeth, he glanced at Arya seeing her try to hide a smile. Eragon nodded his thanks but looked back at Saphira, Eragon tried to cut the connection as best as he could, so her amusement didn't effect him, Saphira stopped laughing when she relized what she had done. Eragon let her back in his mind and felt her embrassment.

Sorry. She snorted.

I'll only except you're apoligy if you except mine. Eragon said as he turned away from his partner.

Alright, I except you're apoligy... now do you except mine?

Saphira I can never stay mad at you, yes I except. Eragon heard Saphira grunt then he payed attention to Nasuada as she looked at Eragon with a raised eye brow. Eragon waved his hands saying they didn't mean to talk about it. Nasuada nodded and began talking.

"Belatona is gaurded by stone walls, I thought if Eragon and Saphira can destroy the archer out post and them help bring down the gate, we can enter and head are way down to the keep, but there may be some magiacians with Belatona that Galbatorix had sent to destroy the Varden and capture Eragon and Saphira, but Murtagh could be there as well, waiting for a perfect time to attack when Eragon and Spahira are weakened..." Nasuada went on about her plan to attack Belatona. Eragon sensed another presence in his mind, besides Saphira, that had confusion coming from it. Eragon thought it didn't even know it was in his mind. Eragon tapped at the mind just to see who t was. It opened up and let him in freely but Eragon just said.

What are you doing in the corners of my mind Arya?

I'm not in-! Arya started to say but relized that she was and retreated in her own mind away from Eragon's. Eragon glanced at Arya and thought he saw the tips of her ears red, but before he could look again, Arya's raven hair covered them. He pondered at it until Nasuada tunred to him and asked "Eragon, what do you think of sending a group to Belatona to attack and then if anything a miss happens or we've waited to long that we send another group to acompany them?" Eragon thought for a moment then asked Saphira.

What do you think?

Even thought I would love to stretch my wings in a battle, I agree.

"I agree with sending one group to Belatona then sending a second afterwards." Eragon said to Nasuada, after nodding to Spahira. Nasuada stood up and called "You are all dismissed!" And turned heading to her private courters that were connected to the council area. Eragon saw Saphira yawn, she had fell asleep during the meeting but Eragon had woken her up by asking her Nasuada's question, she retreated her head out of the pavilion her scales reflecting off of the light made buetiful reflection's on the tent walls. Eragon was the last to exit but colided with some one who was going back in to enter. "Sorry" Eragon said hurriedly rubbing his head from thier contact, he looked to see who it was, to his surprise it was Arya.

"No I'm the one whos sorry Eragon. Now I have to speak to Nasuada about somthing." Arya nodded to Nasuada's private area. Eragon stepped aside and let her in witch then he continued on his way to his tent.

When Eragon arived he could see Saphira curled up next to his tent sleeping, whenever she breathed out of her nose a foot long of fire came out and charred the grass leaving smoke to rise from it. Eragon greeted his gaurds that surrounded his tent and stepped inside. It was simple a table, two chairs, his packs that kept Glaedr's Eldurnari, the Domia Abr Wydra, and his armor. Thier was also a place for his close in a wooden cabnet, and three fairths that Eragon had truned invisible for he didn't want anyone to see them but him. The first was of Saphira, she was flying with the horizon behind her, and her scales shining, nothing could match her bueaty. The seconf was of Oromis and Glaedr, his masters, they were with eachother, Glaedr standing proud by the cliff that was by the hut, with the moon behind them as with the mountains Eragon had seen when he was being taught his lessons, Oromis was looking up at the moon with Naegling, witch shimmered in the moonlight, Glaedr scales were bathed in the bright whitness form the moon up above in the star covered sky as was Oromis's silver hiar, Oromis was wearing golden tunic that match Glaedr's golden scales on his massive bulk, and brown leggings. The third was of Arya sitting on a branch in the Meano Tree, her impassive mask gone, she was smiling and had a happy expression, her raven hair waved behind and her emerald eyes fix up at the cloudy blue sky. The forest around her a lush green. Eragon looked away from them and layed down on his cot, he took off his tunic and layed down, closing his eyes he entered his waking dreams.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Not much of a good writer, but it'll do! Give me any critque and comment thx you! And the next chapter will be here in... I don't really know yet.

Blue=no letter or letters in wrong spot.
Red=wrong spelling
Green=punctuation

Great story I love it. Just don't leave a cliff or Saphira will be

Thanks you and sorry that at some points I will leave a cliffy, I find it enjoyable to leave one! Though there might be spoilers on the way, right now i'm stuck on the second chapter cause I don't know witch POV I should do. And ty again for the crit.

Thank you Burrosis! And I don't know what a C level even is...?

This post has been edited by StarSapphireWolf: 29 August 2009 - 07:24 PM

[Burrosis]

C levels range from C-1 where you want basically only happy thoughts about your story.

C-2 is you want grammar and spelling help with a little plot advise.

C-3 is that you want more help with plot and a little bit of a deeper critique.

C-4 is a step up from C-3

C-5 is story slaughter, it would be read and critiqued as if you were going to publish it.

Sorry mods if I got that a little off but I am going off of memory. I know there is a link to the official list somewhere but I can't find it.

[StarSapphireWolf]

C levels range from C-1 where you want basically only happy thoughts about your story.

C-2 is you want grammar and spelling help with a little plot advise.

C-3 is that you want more help with plot and a little bit of a deeper critique.

C-4 is a step up from C-3

C-5 is story slaughter, it would be read and critiqued as if you were going to publish it.

Sorry mods if I got that a little off but I am going off of memory. I know there is a link to the official list somewhere but I can't find it.

I think thats information enough, though I saw it too as a guest but I can't remember where and I'll think about witch one its kinda difficult for me to choose between things.

Chapter 2 is an Arya POV! thats for you Burrosis!

~ You're Thankful Friend, SSW

[Timbowolf]

A pretty good first chapter. Your Eragon and Saphira interactions were nice; very light and friendly, and it was funny how they raced each other. The Belatona idea was interesting and your depictions of the other characters were okay, though their roles in this chapter were pretty small.

In the end, there is only so much I can say based off of one chapter. But I can say you've got a good start. Keep it up.

One other thing: I also put up a poll for asessment of the story when I started my fanfic. And I will pas on to you but someone told me: it's kind of early to be asking for a vote on how good the story is. Keep it up if you want, but I'm just giving some advice I was given when I started.

This post has been edited by Timbowolf: 29 August 2009 - 07:51 PM

[StarSapphireWolf]

A pretty good first chapter. Your Eragon and Saphira interactions were nice; very light and friendly, and it was funny how they raced each other. The Belatona idea was interesting and your depictions of the other characters were okay, though their roles in this chapter were pretty small.

In the end, there is only so much I can say based off of one chapter. But I can say you've got a good start. Keep it up.

One other thing: I also put up a poll for asessment of the story when I started my fanfic. And I will pas on to you but someone told me: it's kind of early to be asking for a vote on how good the story is. Keep it up if you want, but I'm just giving some advice I was given when I started.

I've siad before, I haven't been writing very long so yes it will be a little... not good... but eka elrun ono Timbowolf, I await seeing you're advice and I'm working on the second chapter now. I have read you're 'Dawn' fanfic as well and you are one wonderful writer Timbowolf! And for the poll, I just wanted to put it up *Shrugs*

~ You're Writer, SSW

[ShadowFire44]

Your chapter is good in most ways. I like the dialogue and the length. I saw quite a few spelling and other grammar mistakes. Work on you length and grammar, and your story will be almost perfect. I will be back to read more!

But before I leave, I must ask. Is this story EragonxArya (Probaly), SaphiraxThorn, SaphiraxGreenie, and so on?

[StarSapphireWolf]

Your chapter is good in most ways. I like the dialogue and the length. I saw quite a few spelling and other grammar mistakes. Work on you length and grammar, and your story will be almost perfect. I will be back to read more!

But before I leave, I must ask. Is this story EragonxArya (Probaly), SaphiraxThorn, SaphiraxGreenie, and so on?

Thx you and I'm working on the second chapter wich will may be up in two or one hour. Its going to be ExA, and possibly SxT or SxG I just don't know which one to choose yet

~ You're Writer, SSW

[Eleria]

Well, well,well, what have we here?

SSW starts a fanfic and doesn't tell me?!? How could you? (Don't answer that.)

Critique: Your begining was fairly generic, and the spelling has lots of room for improvement, but the characters aren't very OOC like most are in a first-time fanfic.

Also, your last paragraph could have been broken into several, one for each fairth. It would make reading it a lot easier.

On a positive note, I like it!

Your delighted reader,

Eleria

[StarSapphireWolf]

Well, well,well, what have we here?

SSW starts a fanfic and doesn't tell me?!? How could you? (Don't answer that.)

Critique: Your begining was fairly generic, and the spelling has lots of room for improvement, but the characters aren't very OOC like most are in a first-time fanfic.

Also, your last paragraph could have been broken into several, one for each fairth. It would make reading it a lot easier.

On a positive note, I like it!

Your delighted reader,

Eleria

I'm sorry I didn't tell you Eleria, I thought you would have figured out sooner or later! But I know there not much of OOC but at least I could put out all I could muster, struggling out of a writers block of the first chappy! Well I'm not a good paragragh person but I'll try.

~ You're Excited Writer, SSW

[Eleria]

Well, well,well, what have we here?

SSW starts a fanfic and doesn't tell me?!? How could you? (Don't answer that.)

Critique: Your begining was fairly generic, and the spelling has lots of room for improvement, but the characters aren't very OOC like most are in a first-time fanfic.

Also, your last paragraph could have been broken into several, one for each fairth. It would make reading it a lot easier.

On a positive note, I like it!

Your delighted reader,

Eleria

I'm sorry I didn't tell you Eleria, I thought you would have figured out sooner or later! But I know there not much of OOC but at least I could put out all I could muster, struggling out of a writers block of the first chappy! Well I'm not a good paragragh person but I'll try.

~ You're Excited Writer, SSW

Ermm...SSW, OOC means out of charcter you don't want it.

And the mods got rid of C-levels months ago! the topic was called 'C-LEVELS NO MORE!!!!!!!!', so it was kinda hard to miss.