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Maria If it needs a C level its C-2 Rate Topic: ***** 1 Votes

Poll: Maria (1 member(s) have cast votes)

What do you think of it

  1. Great only a few minor mistakes (1 votes [100.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 100.00%

  2. Good but couldt have been better (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  3. A waste of everyones time (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

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#1 User is offline   Sapira120296 Icon

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Posted 31 August 2009 - 10:49 AM

Please don't be too harsh, this is my first time to write anything that is NOT a response.

Everytime I look into her deep sapphire eyes I'm feeling like my knees are made of jelly
And everytime I see her I'm stuck to the place
Everytime I smell her scent my head gets dim
And everytime I touch her I feel like I've run a thousand miles
Everytime I feel her silky blond hair I wonder if is made out of gold
And everytime I kiss her I'm in heaven
Everytime i think of her I miss her
When i said "Goodbye" my heart shattered into a thousand pieces
Oh Maria I miss you



Well what do you think?

This post has been edited by Sapira120296: 02 September 2009 - 02:53 PM

I'm an ExA MxN Sx? fan

I'm crazy, I know it and im proud of it

My first poem called Maria

#2 User is offline   Malus Rune Icon

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Posted 31 August 2009 - 11:58 AM

Your imagry skills are good, definately better then mine when I first started poetry, and the passion inside it is good/ However you could definately work on metre. I mean, I'm hardly one to talk- I'm none too god with it myself- but "Everytime I look into her deep sapphire blue eyes I'm feeling like my knees are made of jelly" really doesn't scan. I think that the problem here is that you're overdescribing it. Off the top of my head, the word "blue" in the first line is pretty much unessecary, it's taken as standard that sapphires are blue. The line about the hair could use some cleaning up as well. Try to work on using the least number of words to describe it. A really good poet can achieve a huge amount of imagry in very few words; that's a very valuable skill to help it fit.

Keep writing! ).gif
Don't get philosophical on me here either, that's the cowards way out - Mtbanger

9 O'clock, and you paint the skies gray, it's not your fault, we're the ones who betray
But how can you say with such ease, want to take a stand, or you just want to please?
Your bedtime story is scaring everyone. You help me understand the evil that men do.

#3 User is offline   Sapira120296 Icon

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Posted 31 August 2009 - 12:20 PM

Thank you. Honestly I'm not good at writing this stuff normally.

This post has been edited by Sapira120296: 04 September 2009 - 06:23 AM

I'm an ExA MxN Sx? fan

I'm crazy, I know it and im proud of it

My first poem called Maria

#4 User is offline   Blazing Elf Icon

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Posted 01 September 2009 - 07:41 PM

I think your poetry is very good. please keep writing. yes.gif
*If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees*
~Beauty is not so much what you see as what you dream.~
*Don't follow your dreams; chase them.*
With all the pain and suffering you eventually become numb -CC
~Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future~
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