[MeltableFlames]

Hi guys. I'm new here and i haven't writtren before. Critique and comments welcome!
Here goes:

Chapter 1: The Dream
A boy of ten was standing next to his window. As he looked around his room, he saw a wood frame bed, a wooden nightstand and last of all: his window. It was his favourite thing in the room. This was because he had an excellent view of the city of Kavekas, and could often see Dragons with their Riders flying past. When he was younger, he used to wave at the Dragons, and the Riders would wave back.

This boy had shaggy brown hair and light brown eyes. He was of average build and complexion. He wore a brown tunic and light blue pants. This boys name was Brom.

He decided to go and lay on his bed, seeing as though there was nothing else to do. As soon as he was on it, new thoughts raced through his head. This morning, only this morning, he had talked to a Dragon. Broms uncle, Evan, was the dragons Rider, and had allowed him and his sister to talk to him. The dragons name was Ionun. They had just produced two eggs. One was sapphire, like Ionun’s mates colour, Vervada, and one was gold, like Ionun. Evan and his mate, Taldira were like parents to Brom and Evarya, whose parents had died in an explosion 5 years ago.

A rush of excitement came to Brom as he thought of the next day, when he would go and line up to see and touch the 4 dragon eggs that were being presented. 3 days ago, the 5th egg had hatched to a boy of 12, who went by the name of Morzan. The egg that had hatched was red, and its name was… was… Brom couldn’t remember the name, and was annoyed with himself for forgetting.
Soon, his eyes had closed, and he had drifted off to sleep.

Brom saw dragons fighting dragons, riders fighting riders. A huge black dragon was in the middle, fighting 2 enemies at once. His attention was taken to a red dragon on the edge of the fighting. The dragon was fending off a vicious light blue dragon, whom Brom seemed to be draw towards. He ran along the ground until he was underneath this beautiful blue dragon. He was mesmerized. Suddenly, the red dragon swiped a white, sharp claw along the side of the blue dragon. As red-hot blood fell down upon Brom, he heard a dragon roar in pain, a man scream “NO!” and an earth shattering THUD on the ground.
The scene changed.

A barren field and wasteland was before Broms eyes. It was littered with carcasses and dragon blood. He saw 14 victorious dragons flying away, though each had suffered sever injuries. On the far side of the field, a group of 5 were situated. He could hear one man sobbing uncontrollably, as the others tried to comfort him. There were two dragons, one white, one gold. The was both their riders, who appeared to be elven. A blue dragon lay on the ground, dying. The man sobbing was occasionally yelling, “NO, SAPHIRA!” and, “Saphira, please, don’t, go!”
Then the dragon opened its eyes, lifted its head, though he could see it cost the dragon much energy to do so, licked the mans armoured face. Then something in its eyes seemed to lose depth, and the head flopped back down, lifeless. The man screamed.
The scene changed again.

Brom woke up, startled and scared. He was covered in cold sweat. As he mulled over what he had seen, he decided to take a bath, as he had not had one in awhile. It would hopefully wash away some of the fear. As the cold water ran down his back, he could not help but recognise that scream. When he got bored, and was a bit more relaxed, he got out and went back to bed.



How was that? Too long, too short? Not descriptive enough? Tell me.
The next chapter will be when Brom touches the eggs.

This post has been edited by MeltableFlames: 23 September 2009 - 03:32 AM

[Hold Your Peace]

I like it alot

Your detail and description is well done, so is your dialouge. These are things many writers have probelms with when they begin, but you did it all very well. I liked the length, It was not short, yet not very long. Sometimes, updates that are too long can be boring, but usualy length never hurts so I suggest adding a little

Cheers!

Thorn Pwns

This post has been edited by Thorn Pwns: 04 September 2009 - 06:59 PM

[Burrosis]

Not bad at all. I think the chapter could have used some more length, but I don't know what you have planned out.

I will definitely keep on reading.

[darkone22]

Great chapter. I will keep reading. I love brom stories.

This post has been edited by darkone22: 04 September 2009 - 10:43 PM

[Aramus Shurtugal]

Nice with the preminotions at the end. What are you going to do next, besides Brom touching the eggs.

This is very interesting. Keep it up.

[MeltableFlames]

YAY! Finally, some readers!!!!! Thanks for the comments. I can't believe how hard it is to make lengthy chapters. I tried, but i had to get off the computer.
Next chapter:
Chapter 2:

A hard throbbing, dull throbbing woke Brom. He looked around his room, trying to ignore the pain, as well as trying to discern the reason for the throbbing.
He was lying on the floor, next to his bed. He appeared to be wet. A broken glass lay next to him.
I must have fallen out of bed, then hit my head on the nightstand, which caused the glass to fall off, it broke, then all of its water contents landed on me.

He got up and went out to the hall and then to the cupboard across the hall. It was a long hall, with a dusty red carpet on the floor. The walls were cream coloured, but were also dusty, which made them a light, ugly brown. The cupboard was small, and held towls, blankets and other things. He picked out a towl, then quietly tiptoed back to his room, so as not to wake Evarya.
When he got back to his room, he quickly cleaned up the mess and then changed into a blue outfit.

Brom could not remember the dream that he had had last night. He remembered something about a dragon, a scream and a huge black dragon. The more he tried to remember, the harder to it was to keep the bits he already had. It was like trying to cup water in your bare hands.
There was also another thought that came to mind. He would be touching the dragon eggs today. Excitement shot through him. He had only once before touched a dragon egg. That was three years ago. At the age of seven, he recalled, you touched onely one egg, to minimize chances, then at ten years, 4-5, depending if they had already hatched, twenty years, was 7 eggs, and it stayed from 1-7 from then on.

-flashback-

Brom was standing in a crowd. The town square was packed. The square was quite large, with the richest people living next door to it. The houses surrounding made a type of wall, with only a few entrances. A gold dragon roared to quieten the crowd. The town square became quiet, except for the occansional muttering.
"If you are 7 years of age, come foward." said a strange, kind vioce, yet it had something musical about it. He nervously stepped foward. Evan kept pushing him foward, and everytime he looked back at him, he nodded and said words of encourgement. Brom and Evarya went up to the line.
The kind voice said, "Evarya Kaiyasdaughter" Evarya stepped forward, away from her twin. She looked back at him with nervous eyes. He nodded and pushed her foward.

The kind-voiced rider smiled at what had passed between the children. He remembered that his own older brother had done the same with him.

Really, Oromis? What a coincidence. Ihadn't known that.

I suppose I haven't really told you much about my life before you, Glaedr. we have only been pared for ten years, and have only just graduated.

Evarya stepped towards the black egg, touched it and came back down.

"Brom Andraksson."
Brom stepped foward. He glanced at the rider and dragon for an instant, then laid his hand on the black egg. Nothing happened, so he came back down to Ionun and Evarya. It felt better to be out of the spotlight.

End flashback

Brom went to his window and looked at where the sun was in the sky. He guesstimated that it was an hour after dawn. They were due at the town square at two hours after dawn. So he padded gently down to Evaryas room and opened the door a crack. He saw Evarya in brown outfit and was just about to talk to her, when,
"Hi, Brom. I was wondering when to wake you."

"How did you know I was there?" Brom demanded.

"Even though you think you tred softly, its like an elephant out there."

"Oh. Well, are you ready?" Brom asked.

"I am. I will meet you at the town square in ten minutes." She said.

"Okay. See you."

Brom walked down to the town square. All was quiet except for the racket that was coming from the town square. Brom walked slowly, so it took him ten whole minutes to reach it.
He could see a huge golden dragon and an elf next to it. There was a wooden platform in front of them. It did not hold the eggs yet. Brom stood amid the crowd for a few minutes, then Evarya joined him. The elf, for it was the same rider who watched Brom touch the black egg three years previously. Th kind-voiced elf said, with his voice enhanced by magic, "Settle!" The dragon roared to enphisize his point. The crowd quieted.
"Can all seven year olds come up here." The nervous children tripped and stumbled a bit, but made an orderly line. Everyones eyes were focused on one black egg, and it was the same black egg that Brom had previously touched. The children were all called up, yet no flash off light followed, so none were picked.
"Ten year olds, come up." the rider said. Brom and Evarya walked up. This line was much more organized, foreveryone had allready done this before. numerous names were called, until only Brom and another boy were left. Five eggs sat upon the table. One blue, one red, the black, and two purple.
The crowd had started to get bored. Some had already left.
"James Simonsson." said the kind voice. The other boy confidently stepped foward. He placed his hand on the blue egg, nothing happened, then the black, nothing, the purple, nothing (the boy was starting to get dissapointed, the crowd too) Then he put his hand upon the red. It started to rock back and forth. The boy, surprised, jumped put in alarm. The egg produced a clacking sound. Before thirty seconds was up, a tiny, blood red dragon could be seen. The crowd started clapping. Brom was absolutedly positive that no egg was going to hatch for him now.
The rider smiled at the boy, and led him to a room behind his dragon. The boy scooped up the tiny dragon, and hurried after the rider. But as soon as he touched it, he jumped back as if shocked, and yelped involuntory. A silvery mark appeared on his hand. He then touched the dragon, just to be sure that he would not be shocked agian, then took him to the room.
When the elf got back, he said,
"Brom Andraksson,please come foward." Brom stepped foward. He touched the black, then the blue. Just as he was about to touch the first of the purple eggs, he heard a huge CRACK behind him and turned to see a tiny light blue dragon. The first that hit him was shock. He had just become a rider. A dragon had hatched for him. !!!!!! He hesitantly touched the dragon. A bolt of energy was shot through his arm. It felt that whereever it touched was burnt. It went all the way to his fingertips and toes. It soon faded away, and even though it felt like an eternity to Brom, in reality it was only a few seconds.

The bolt left a ringing in Broms ears and a silvery marks on his left hand. His mind felt like a huge blanket had been lifted, and now he could stretch out of his mind, though he didn't like that new feeling. He sensed something close to him, though it was a very unusual and ancient mind. Brom guessed it was his dragon. My dragon. The Rider beckoned to him to go through the door to where "James" was. He entered, and saw a round, wooden table, which the red dragon was perched upon, gorging himself upon the pile of meat on the table. Morzan was sitting next to his dragon, smiling at him. Brom suddenly felt his dragon feel ravenous, and send him a picture of a second pile of meat, which was obviously for her. A female dragon! Brom had thought that if he ever had a dragon, it would be a boy. His dragon jumped off its perch on his shoulder, and dived toward the meat pile. He soon felt that the dragon was satified. He soon turned to the older rider.
"Who are you?" he asked politely.
"My name is Oromis and this is my dragon-"
I am Glaedr
Brom was awed. He had never felt such a powerful consiousness, for he had often felt dragons touch his mind. Ionun and Vervada, were the dragons names. Both were very proud. Brom wondered if all dragons were as such.
"Nice to meet you." said Brom. James then said,
"Where will you take us?"
"You, James, shall go to Ellesmera with Brom and I, but then we will part ways and you will go to a wonderful teacher named Illian and his dragon Frethre. You, Brom, shall accompany me and Glaedr to Ellesmera and you shall train with Morzan, with I and Glaedr being your teachers. Now, is getting late and I think that we all need rest."
H said some unfamiliar words and two double bed appeared on either side of the room.
"You shall each sleep here. Do not neglect your dragon." He turned to leave.
"Master Oromis?" asked Brom.
"Yes, Brom?"
"When will we leave?"
"Tomorrow. By the way, you have very good manners."
"Where are you going?" said James rudely.
"I am going to sleep outside the door with my dragon, who is far to big to fit inside this room."
Oromis then turned to leave and the door shut quietly behind him.
Brom and James quickly got into bed. Brom had forgoten all about his dragon until she poked him on the head and "eeped" loudly in his ear. He jumped and quickly let her into the bed. Soon they both fell asleep, so tired from the events of the day.


How was that? It was a bit longer and had more detail, i tried specifically on that.
Melts

This post has been edited by MeltableFlames: 23 September 2009 - 03:36 AM

[Aramus Shurtugal]

It was pretty good but what did the square look like?

You also need just a bit more emotion.

[MeltableFlames]

It was pretty good but what did the square look like?

You also need just a bit more emotion.

Thanks. I don't know how I can write emotion, though.
But I'll work on it.

Melts

[Aramus Shurtugal]

Brom felt the exitment fill him to the top he clenched his jaw together to keep from shouting out as the egg broke open....

Get it? Just take something like anger and make him experiance something because of it another example is this:

Dead? How could she be dead? Anger overpowered any greif that he previously had. He rose trailing his fingers along her scales as he walked. A red veil of mist fell over his vision...

Got it now?

[MeltableFlames]

Brom felt the exitment fill him to the top he clenched his jaw together to keep from shouting out as the egg broke open....

Get it? Just take something like anger and make him experiance something because of it another example is this:

Dead? How could she be dead? Anger overpowered any greif that he previously had. He rose trailing his fingers along her scales as he walked. A red veil of mist fell over his vision...

Got it now?

The first time I read your post, I'm like, WTH? But the second time: I get it. Its about making more emotion, right?

Okay. Guys I'm about halfway through the next chapter but its unlikely that it will be up tonight.
Melts

[MeltableFlames]

Okay, I tried to add some more emotion to the story. This chapter is sort of a filler. Here we go:
Chapter 3:

As Brom lay in his bed with his dragon snoring loudly next to him, he realised something. He would not see Evarya before he left for Ellesmera. The thought made waves of sadness to his heart and tears begin to make his vision fuzzy. This was the first time he had gone somewhere without saying goodbye. And even the first time away for more than a day or two. He added to his thought. Evarya was the closest person to him since his parents died.
He wondered if he should go and ask Oromis if they could spend tomorrow morning saying goodbye. If Oromis said no, his heart would wither up and die. He had to say goodbye.
Then again, should he wake Oromis? Would Oromis understand his need? Would he laugh, and tell him to suck it up? No, Oromis seemed to me the kindest person. He wouldn’t laugh. He would understand. thought Brom. But the nagging doubt still hung there, and Brom could not make it go. So Brom did not get up and go ask, he tried to get some sleep, for he would need it.




Meanwhile, Evarya lay awake, tears running down he cheeks. The tears came not because Brom was a rider now, but because Brom would be going away. He had had a huge smile on his face when he went to the hidden room. He would have forgotten all about me. she wailed in her mind. Brom was her best friend, her brother, and who she looked up to. Even though they were twins, she still thought of him as older than her.

Evarya looked a lot like Brom. She had dark, brown hair that hung in faint ringlets on her pillow. Even though her hair was wet from the tears, it still was very beautiful. Many boys admired her and some had the courage to ask her out, but she had turned them all down. They were only greedy and wanted her only for her beauty.

She wore ordinary clothes, a green top and pants. She lay in her woodframe bed that her father, Andrak had made for her, and another for Brom. Oh, how she missed her parents. She missed her dad stroking her cheeks at night, her mother singing in her beautiful voice while braiding Evarya’s hair for the upcoming festival, Suncall.
This festival was to celebrate the seasons, their coming and growing, and what each new season brought. There was much food and drinks and lovely music.

Evarya had stopped crying by now, caught up hers memories. When they stopped, her thoughts turned to Brom again. She began to think more logically about Brom, and their predicament. Evarya wondered if she would see Brom in the morning, but a voice inside her head said, Of course he won’t! Why would he come back for you?, then another voice said, He’ll come back. He loves me. He misses me right now. The two sides kept throwing different thoughts at each other until Evarya became dizzy and fell asleep.




Brom had finally fallen asleep and was having unpleasant dreams. In one, Evarya was screaming his name and begging for him to come back and help her. In another, Brom was upon a light sapphire dragon, with other dragons next to him. He only caught a few seconds of each before they flicked to a different picture. Afew times he woke up sweating, then falling asleep again, and the dreams continued.

The first thing Brom saw when he woke up was something blue all around him. At first he was amazed yet confused as to what the blue was. He reached up and felt something velvet and soft covering his eyes.

He pinched the unusual substance. Something jumped and eeped loudly next to his ear Brom realised that the blue stuff was actually his dragons wing. Suddenly, all his thoughts from the previous night came crashing down upon him. He sat bolt upright, barely noting that James’s bed was empty, jumped out of bed (with an annoyed “eep” from the dragon) got dressed and ran out to where Oromis sat, smiling while he meditated.

“Oromis, can we please visit our families before we leave? Please?” he practically yelled. Quite a few eyes turn to him from the square. Oromis smile turned to a frown. Dread began to boil up inside Brom.

“Please don’t say no.”

“I’m afraid so. We are supposed to be due in Ellesmera tomorrow, but we will definitely take longer, seeing as though Glaedr is carrying two young dragons and 2 extra passengers, and we are o a very, very tight schedule. I am very sorry Brom, but you may still be able to talk to Evarya.”
Brom could feel many emotions all at once. Anger, happiness, confusion and disparities.
“Wha- How do you know my sisters name?” Brom questioned, annoyed and curious at the same time. Oromis smiled.

“I knew your father, Andrak, we were best friends. He was so overjoyed with having twins. I barely recognised you and Evarya when you stepped up.”
“Now, you can contact Evarya with a mirror. Do you know if she usually caries one on her personnel?”

“What? Contact through a mirror? I- Um- I don’t know. How did you know my father?”

“Oh. No matter. Well, theres less chance of talking to her if she doesn’t, but, we’ll try. I knew your father because he lived in Ellesmera for a time. We kept in contact. Drauma Kopa.”

Brom hadn’t noticed that Oromis had been holding a mirrow until it started glowing and then Eavaryas face appeared.



Evarya was doing her hair. It was all wet and sticky from the tears last night. She had had a shower and washed it, then had started to braid it as her mother had taught her.

She had the biggest fright when her twins face and the elf’s face appeared in her mirror in the bathroom.


How was that? was it too boring? hmm? Did I have pathetic emotion? Do you think that Brom would cry? Should broms saphira have a mate?

All in all, did you like my newest chapter?

Melts

This post has been edited by MeltableFlames: 11 September 2009 - 09:24 PM

[Slytha Tieneun]

This is very good. I have never even seen a Brom story, (which meade me sad, since Brom is one of my favorite Characters) and I think your doing great! I can't wait for your next post!

~S.T.~

[Aramus Shurtugal]

Good job! The emotions were better than on your last one. I love the little snippit at the end with Evarya in the bathroom.

[ptcruiser]

Ok, here I go. I read it, here is my critique. First off, before the chapters, I like that you have paragraphs and you hit enter every time a new speaker starts talking. However, it would be easier to read if you started a new paragraph each time a new speaker starts. As in:

"Guess what! A dragon egg hatched for me!" Brom yelled.

"Wonderful, Brom!" Oromis replied.

It just makes it easier to read. Now for the individual chapters.

Chapter 1:

He decided to go and lay on his bed, seeing as though there was nothing else to do. As soon as he was on it, new thoughts raced through his head. This morning, only this morning, he had talked to a Dragon. Broms uncle, Evan, was the dragons Rider, and had allowed him and his sister to talk to him. The dragons name was Ionun. They had just produced two eggs. One was sapphire, like Ionun’s mates colour, Vervada, and one was gold, like Ionun. Evan and his mate, Taldira were like parents to Brom and Evarya, whose parents had died in an explosion 5 years ago.

Nice tie in with what we learned in Eldest. However, an explosion? An explosion of what? Remember, this is like Middle Ages here. It would be helpful to expand upon that, perhaps even with a short flashback?

I think that the dreams are interesting, but it is a little to much foreshadowing for my likings. Half the chapter is dreams. If these were spread out over the course of the book to give Brom foreboding, that would be better. Never just write something that sounds cool. It should be incorparated into the plot to make it better, or to build character. You could introduce a whole subplot with a few dreams scattered around the book, but here they are, all in the first chapter.

Brom woke up, startled and scared. He was covered in cold sweat. As he mulled over what he had seen, he decided to take a shower. As the cold water ran down his back, he could not help but recognise that scream.

A shower? In Alagaesia? Explain please! Something about how it worked? Perhaps that it was a luxury? As I said earlier, this is Middle Ages kind of setting. Explain any and all modern conviniences.

Chapter 2:

A hard throbbing, dull throbbing woke Brom. He looked around his room, trying to ignore the pain, as well as trying to discern the reason for the throbbing.
He was lying on the floor, next to his bed. He appeared to be wet. A broken glass lay next to him.
I must have fallen out of bed, then hit my head on the nightstand, which caused the glass to fall off, it broke, then all of its water contents landed on me.

Hmm. So our hero wakes up? Huh? Last time I checked he was taking a shower.

Really, Oromis? What a coincidence. Ihadn't known that.

I suppose I haven't really told you much about my life before you, Glaedr. we have only been pared for ten years, and have only just graduated.

This is kinda confusing. In Eldest, Oromis and Glaedr were ancient, hundreds or perhaps thousands of years old. They had been trained, fought, and trained others. Plus, a dragon and rider's bond is so great that after ten years, they would definitely know all about each other.

The bolt left a ringing in Broms ears and a silvery marks on his left hand. His mind felt like a huge blanket had been lifted, and now he could stretch out of his mind, though he didn't like that new feeling. He sensed something close to him, though it was a very unusual and ancient mind. Brom guessed it was his dragon. My dragon. The Rider beckoned to him to go through the door to where "James" was. He entered, and saw a round, wooden table, which the red dragon was perched upon, gorging himself upon the pile of meat on the table. Morzan was sitting next to his dragon, smiling at him.

Wait a second... Where did Morzan come from? James is not Morzan, so who all is in the room? Maybe try describing the room and those in it briefly so that we have an idea of where people are.

Chapter 3:

That was pretty good. The emotion was better. However, I want to know how Oromis knew Brom's father. How?

Another thing, Brom and the rest are not supposed to know about magic yet, so I doubt that Oromis would use it right then. Remember, they didn't know about it until the discovered it on their own.

Also, here comes that shower again. I really want to know how that works and what it is doing there.


All in all, this is a good start, and I like it. This story has quite a bit of potential. Keep working at it. If you want any critique of a chapter before you post it, PM me.

By the way, I hope you wanted this much critique. If you want me to scale back, tell me. I don't want to come across as a know it all or as a brutal critiquer. This kind has helped me in my book from better writers than I, so I think it will help you.

[MeltableFlames]

Ok, here I go. I read it, here is my critique. First off, before the chapters, I like that you have paragraphs and you hit enter every time a new speaker starts talking. However, it would be easier to read if you started a new paragraph each time a new speaker starts. As in:

"Guess what! A dragon egg hatched for me!" Brom yelled.

"Wonderful, Brom!" Oromis replied.

It just makes it easier to read. Now for the individual chapters.

Chapter 1:

He decided to go and lay on his bed, seeing as though there was nothing else to do. As soon as he was on it, new thoughts raced through his head. This morning, only this morning, he had talked to a Dragon. Broms uncle, Evan, was the dragons Rider, and had allowed him and his sister to talk to him. The dragons name was Ionun. They had just produced two eggs. One was sapphire, like Ionun’s mates colour, Vervada, and one was gold, like Ionun. Evan and his mate, Taldira were like parents to Brom and Evarya, whose parents had died in an explosion 5 years ago.

Nice tie in with what we learned in Eldest. However, an explosion? An explosion of what? Remember, this is like Middle Ages here. It would be helpful to expand upon that, perhaps even with a short flashback?

I think that the dreams are interesting, but it is a little to much foreshadowing for my likings. Half the chapter is dreams. If these were spread out over the course of the book to give Brom foreboding, that would be better. Never just write something that sounds cool. It should be incorparated into the plot to make it better, or to build character. You could introduce a whole subplot with a few dreams scattered around the book, but here they are, all in the first chapter.

Brom woke up, startled and scared. He was covered in cold sweat. As he mulled over what he had seen, he decided to take a shower. As the cold water ran down his back, he could not help but recognise that scream.

A shower? In Alagaesia? Explain please! Something about how it worked? Perhaps that it was a luxury? As I said earlier, this is Middle Ages kind of setting. Explain any and all modern conviniences.

Chapter 2:

A hard throbbing, dull throbbing woke Brom. He looked around his room, trying to ignore the pain, as well as trying to discern the reason for the throbbing.
He was lying on the floor, next to his bed. He appeared to be wet. A broken glass lay next to him.
I must have fallen out of bed, then hit my head on the nightstand, which caused the glass to fall off, it broke, then all of its water contents landed on me.

Hmm. So our hero wakes up? Huh? Last time I checked he was taking a shower.

Really, Oromis? What a coincidence. Ihadn't known that.

I suppose I haven't really told you much about my life before you, Glaedr. we have only been pared for ten years, and have only just graduated.

This is kinda confusing. In Eldest, Oromis and Glaedr were ancient, hundreds or perhaps thousands of years old. They had been trained, fought, and trained others. Plus, a dragon and rider's bond is so great that after ten years, they would definitely know all about each other.

The bolt left a ringing in Broms ears and a silvery marks on his left hand. His mind felt like a huge blanket had been lifted, and now he could stretch out of his mind, though he didn't like that new feeling. He sensed something close to him, though it was a very unusual and ancient mind. Brom guessed it was his dragon. My dragon. The Rider beckoned to him to go through the door to where "James" was. He entered, and saw a round, wooden table, which the red dragon was perched upon, gorging himself upon the pile of meat on the table. Morzan was sitting next to his dragon, smiling at him.

Wait a second... Where did Morzan come from? James is not Morzan, so who all is in the room? Maybe try describing the room and those in it briefly so that we have an idea of where people are.

Chapter 3:

That was pretty good. The emotion was better. However, I want to know how Oromis knew Brom's father. How?

Another thing, Brom and the rest are not supposed to know about magic yet, so I doubt that Oromis would use it right then. Remember, they didn't know about it until the discovered it on their own.

Also, here comes that shower again. I really want to know how that works and what it is doing there.


All in all, this is a good start, and I like it. This story has quite a bit of potential. Keep working at it. If you want any critique of a chapter before you post it, PM me.

By the way, I hope you wanted this much critique. If you want me to scale back, tell me. I don't want to come across as a know it all or as a brutal critiquer. This kind has helped me in my book from better writers than I, so I think it will help you.

Oops. Looks like I made alot of mistakes. I'll edit it okay. James and Brom became rider on the same day. Morzan, however, became a rider three days before. I accidently put morzans name where james was supposed to be. OOPS! Sorry if my chappies are confusing.

Thanks for the critique, ptcruiser, it is much appreciated but just turn it down a notch. I meant bath not shower. Ishould have added that he hadn't had a bath in quite awhile. Sorry.

Melts

This post has been edited by MeltableFlames: 23 September 2009 - 02:34 AM