[Alec]

Welcome to my poetry thread. I don't write much poetry and when I do it tends to be quite dark.

My original poem is currently being re-done.

Cold was for Halloween.

Chase, is when I went insane writing for a poetry competition.

The Digital Tragedy is me being moody for a poetry competition I'm slightly more prepared for.

Enjoy!

This post has been edited by eragon nerd: 21 January 2010 - 02:25 AM

[Alec]

Alright this is my first real poem. This was written for my school for a contest with the theme being the spirit of God and Man. (Yes my school is religious.) Please, any comments are appreciated!

Have You Seen My God?

All that I want is to be with you
Cause you’re the only one
That’s ever true. All that I need
Is your love, we agreed
That the two of us would never leave

With this dusty old rosary
I wished and prayed to thee
But now all I hear
Is my voice in the air
Was faith the first mistake?

When I despair
And you’re not there
Should I give up?
I know that believing
Is separate from receiving
But was it rude of me,
To hope you’d make me see?

On a good day I'm a good theist
On a bad day, a bad atheist
On average, am I fine?
I continue to walk the line
In between the life of a believer
And one with a eager fever
For the things of this world
Have you seen my God?

I am still undecided

I became a man
In your arms
And I'm still helpless
As a child
In my own

This post has been edited by eragon nerd: 31 October 2009 - 12:45 AM

[potter573]

I can't critique this one, man. Now don't think that its so because it's a religious poem. I suck at critiquing poems.

It was a decent poem. Though I don't get what you mean here :

We agreed
That the two of us
Would never leave

Just clear this up for me.

[Alec]

Uh, just an abstract way of phrasing the formation of a bond between man and God. Can be viewed as a reference to confirmation where you confirm your dedication to God and in return hope to receive renewed help.

Emo poem time! The theme for this contest was Gothic (For Halloween) mainly about struggling against a natural force.

Cold

The cold has returned.
From where it seeps, I do not know
Not confined to some dismal place
Ever present, trapping me in its deadly embrace
Not coming on some forsaken wind
Not sinking from above, after the day's decline
Must be in my mind
Mine to suffer, only mine
For the day is warm and I am cold.

Steals my life
Wrap myself in layers and layers
Does not care; stabs as knife
The sun won't help
I won't yelp
When the time finally comes

Cold everywhere
Cold inside
Cold outside
Time to despair

I've tried my best
Time to put to rest
The Cold

At last I am warm
As I burn

Again, any comments appreciated!

This post has been edited by eragon nerd: 31 October 2009 - 01:05 AM

[Alec]

So I've had a poetry competition for the past month, The Kenyon Review High School Poetry Contest. I started writing 30 minutes ago. It's due (And I just submitted it) right now.

Looking at winners of past contest; it's usually very abstract, aloof, and contemplative poems that demonstrate a mastery of the finest bits of the English language that win.

So I gave them this:

Chase

30 minutes says the clock
30 minutes till the final tock
And so the summit of my delays
Stands tall and does not sway

I shoot about like a rat
Picking up the worthless scat
That might land upon my view
To be repackaged and sent to you

It's not pretty, I'll admit
To give you such a piece of shit
But it's what fell into place
For this frustrating race

I probably screwed any minuscule hope I had of winning. ^^

This post has been edited by eragon nerd: 01 December 2009 - 01:18 AM

[FallOfTroy]

The CHASE poem is great. I actually chuckled halfway through it.
Shows what some people went through to enter the contest. Nice.

[witch168]

I like your first poem: Have you seen my God?
-Good tone, you express the emotion real well. As potter pointed out, some parts conflict with each other. But that's okay, just smooth it out and it'll be fine.
I didn't get 'Chase'. Perhaps I didn't read it well enough or something. The tone kinda changes midway.

Also, are you sure you spelled it right here?

On a good day I'm a good theist

or was it athiest? What's a theist, by the way?

The emo poem was quite emo. I like your rhyming scheme, though. And the content, even if I can't see a clear picture, that's fine. Some poems are abstract, and that one was really abstract.

Good job and keep it up!
-The Witch

This post has been edited by witch168: 29 December 2009 - 02:24 PM

[Artrain]

I liked the Cold best. It was very well written. About the last one though, Chase, I think you've put too much attention into making the lines rhyme, and it has stolen a bit of effect, but on the whole it was satisfactory...

[Blazing Elf]

I like Chase it was very fun to read but like Artrain said I think you are putting to much attention in rhyming the lines.

[EragonPwnsShades]

Like Artrain and BE said, don't put TO much attention in rhyming the lines, it makes it weird.



EPS

[giorgia]

I liked 'chase' the most!
The rhyming was good and the fact that you did it in a rush(am I right?) makes it better. It only means that you have a natural talent. Keep it up EN. And oh, the ending of this poem was very funny to read imo. hehe..

--gg

EDIT: I just realized this is considered a spam so I decided to put my critique on your previous poems.

This post has been edited by giorgia: 20 January 2010 - 01:19 PM

[Alec]

I didn't get 'Chase'. Perhaps I didn't read it well enough or something. The tone kinda changes midway.

It was a bit desperate and a bit spastic. I was thinking the fundamental thing was meeting a deadline with nothing to give.

or was it athiest? What's a theist, by the way?

I meant theist. Theist is a collective term for anyone believing in a god or gods.

To everyone, I do struggle with wanting to put in whatever "clever" rhyme I think of. I ditched using a thesaurus to come up with rhymes. That was just bad.

Here we go, another competition, another poem. Need opinions ASAP as this is due in 36 hours. Thank you. Thank you again in advance!

The Digital Tragedy

Everything you need
In a little plastic box

It’s all here
On this small screen
To serve you what you need

Close the library
Close the store
You don’t need them anymore

A good connection
Will find anything
It's there

As a string of numbers
For sale
For taking

You don’t want to own a real thing
This license will do
They’ve got a million more to screw
Behind the management wall

Who would have thought
In the digital age
It's all free

But not for you
Not for me

This post has been edited by eragon nerd: 20 January 2010 - 01:38 AM

[Artrain]

Interesting, this one. You've named it 'The Digital Tragedy' but to me at least it, contained and connected to much more than that. The ending was of the next level, which attributed greatly to the overall effect. Whoever's judging better give you good points for this one...

[potter573]

The name gives an image of coffee cups and the digital age. I don't why but it reminds me of Spinner's "Cloudnigh".

Interesting.I don't like the brazen austerity, though that's just me. The opening lines have been nicely put forth. I think you lose the rhythm somewhere in the middle. The ending, once again is very good. It is a good poem but just needs a bit of work, in my opinion. I will like a bit of metaphorical work or even a bit of allegory.

[Blazing Elf]

I thought it was good. Interesting title "The Digital Tragedy". I like the ending, too.