[darkangel447]

Waiting

Silence. Blackness.
The cool emptyness of being alone.
Peacefulness pervades the air.
A wall. Luke-warm, almost cold.
Apply pressure. Don't apply pressure,
Not yet. Waiting,
For him, for her,
Waiting.
Patience prevails as always.
Waiting for one day past infinity.
Waiting that long if he had to.


-----------------------------------------
Ok, first stab at poetry. And I'm kinda pleased
Intepretations anyone?
C&C always welcome

Dark

This post has been edited by darkangel447: 07 September 2009 - 12:38 PM

[gabriella]

hello

MKAY.

1. Peacefullness < forgot your e.
2. I find this interesting, however im not finding your elongated metaphor? Care to elaborate on what it is?
3.

Patience prevails as always.

hmm, this is interesting, because usually patience fails. and we see that the person will lose their patience. but for you its the opposite. I like this.bravo.

This is indeed a first stab.
Your a newby at this so you still require alot of work, but im gonna say that as a first stab. Its good.

Write more so that analysing your process can be easier

This post has been edited by gabriella: 07 September 2009 - 10:09 AM

[darkangel447]

1. Peacefullness < forgot your e.

Ok sorted that out with the blue 'e'

2. I find this interesting, however im not finding your elongated metaphor? Care to elaborate on what it is?

Its a dragon hatchling inside an egg

This is indeed a first stab.
Your a newby at this so you still require alot of work, but im gonna say that as a first stab. Its good.

Write more so that analysing your process can be easier

Aww, ty
And I intend to, just as soon as I've finished my ExA

[gabriella]

Lol ,very nice...

WOAH, a dragon hatchling. oof. I was a bit off : / lol.



Ahh, I understadn now, it alll makes sense.

Your very welcome

Mkay, well when you write another, ill be waiting, let me know when you update, thanks!

[Kari]

I was thinking something more dirty, but it makes sense, now. XD

I like it as well! You might want to make it a bit more obvious, though, if your metaphor's going to be so far-off. XD

[gabriella]

LOL, im thinking you and I might have thought the same thing, because I was thinking a bit dirty too

And agreed. You should try to hint a bit more to the mataphor (Y)

[Kari]

Add pressure, don't add pressure.. XD Yeah....

Something I'd like to add is that I like how you phrase it. It's simple and neat. Like..

Not yet. Waiting,
For him, for her,
Waiting.

It's nice and simple, but at the same time, it gives me everything I need.

[gabriella]

Mmm, agreed :thumbsuo:
Simple is good, poems dont always have to be huge complicated phrases for it to be elegant to ears.....

I really cant wait for the next

[darkangel447]

Eeee you dirty people

I'm shocked!

Lol, yeah now I re-read it, i can see where you got the whole dirty thing from