[Squirtle Squirt]

I am not really very good at writing so give me a leg up if you see my standard dropping please and I'm just getting into year 8 so h/w may get in the way of updates also... First chapter up, may be a bit short, as I have typed it into Notepad and I do not have pages to work with.

______________________________________________________________________
Brisingr, Deloi, Vindr, Kveyka, un Adurna

Chapter One- Revealing the Past

Angmar looked up at the sun, it's light glaring in his face, from his carefully placed
crops on his father's farm. He saw it was a few hours till sunset and he still had time
to finish his last few crops. He heard someone trudging up the path as his brother, Ankhun, arrived from his visit to Carvahall for supplies and said,
"Need a hand with that?"
<i>Strange... he never offers to help...</i> thought Angmar. <i>It's either a trick or he's having a good day. </i>
"Sure! It's almost done- but I'll get something to eat first." Angmar walked inside his family's great house- it filled the greater part of two thousand square feet, though in these days it was often empty, as his father, Nangur, was a Rider, and was often on missions to some place or another.

Ever since the great war with Galbatorix four hundred and nine nine years, three hundred and fifty-six days ago, Angmar's whole family had been riders...<i>What is it that causes us all to become riders?</i> Maybe we are descended from one of the original riders... All but Ankhun, himself and their sister had been tested before the eggs and dragons had hatched for them. Ankhun was Angmar's twin brother, and in nine days they would be tested- one day after the anniversary of the Ragnarök- 'Doom of the Gods.' Though is wasn't the doom of the gods, exactly, it was the doom of a very god-like figure- Galbatorix. Angmar's great-uncle, Eragon himself had vanquished the dark king with a blazing sword- Brisingr. Angmar's grandfather Roran, who had not become a rider himself, had told Angmar's mother Isolde, who later became Rider to the dragon Brisingr-Garjzla, that Eragon's first spell had been Brisingr, killing two savage Urgals controlled by the dark shade Durza with a flaming blue arrow, and nearly killed himself doing it. In nine days Angmar would undergo his first test at the capital city of the riders- Carvahall- where he would be put before a clutch of dragon eggs to see if they hatched for him.

Angmar walked into his room with a piece of sourdough bread and looked above his bed and saw a fairth that had not been there before. <i>How did that get there? Is that one of those examples of magic that cannot be explained?</i> The fairth was of his mother and father balancing atop the highest branch of the highest tree in the clearing surrounding their house, situated several miles from Carvahall. <i>I miss them... </i> thought Angmar. Ankhun came in and said,
"Don't worry, brother, we shall see them at our tests."
<i> Why is he acting so wierdly today? He seems out of sorts... he hasn't talked about the tests in the past month...</i> thought Angmar. This was true, but what was going on in his brother's head he had no idea.
"Let's go finish those last few crops."
"Aye, the sooner done the sooner we can get supper sorted. Elerna has gone to get some ingredients for stew, she just told me now."
Angmar bristled with anger as he thought of his sister. Elerna had learned to stretch out her conciousness <i>and</i> touch other's minds, well before he could even block his- and she was two years younger than him! She seemed to be the wisest and smartest of the children for her age, and she could cook, clean, write, read, ride a horse, hunt and paint unexplainably good pictures, all by herself and she was barely
twelve years of age! Angvar joined his brother walking out of the hall to the farm and took his scythe to harvest the last few golden-browncrops, smelling of hot summers spent with family, before most of them had become high-ranked riders with many missions to complete.

______________________________________________________________________

Sorry about the length, a bit difficult to think of much for the first chapter.... any suggestions for the storyline are welcome. No update till atleast two comments WITH CRITICISM OR PRAISE and please add any suggestions I have an idea of what I'm doing for Chapter Two: Forgetting Differences

This post has been edited by Squirtle Squirt: 06 March 2010 - 09:45 PM

[PMoore]

Not bad considering your age, I take it that was UK year 8. Anyway its good, maybe make the next chapter a bit longer does notepad have a word count? I generally aim for 2-3000 words (ish) for a chapter.

Umm... I didn't spot any mistakes but I suck at spotting them.

Its an interesting premise, I'll be watching to see how it goes.

[Fighting Archer]

I like it keep it going It sounds intresting

[RenegadeShroom]

Great chapter, although I can't spot any mistakes, it seems like there are several. Hmm.
I suppose:

"Aye, the sooner done the sooner we can get supper sorted. Sister has gone to get some ingredients for stew, she just told me now."

Why is he calling her, sister? Shouldn't he be calling her by her name? So I think it would be better off as:

"Aye, the sooner done the sooner we can get supper sorted. Elerna has gone to get some ingredients for stew, she just told me now."

Also, try to use less exclamation marks. You only need one after somebody yells, or is thinking angrily. Other than that, it's fine! As far as I can tell, anyway.

Good luck with the story!

[Hold Your Peace]

Spelling and grammar error's in red.
Comment's and thought's in blue.

I am not really very good at writing so give me a leg up if you see my standard dropping please and I'm just getting into year 8 so h/w may get in the way of updates also... First chapter up, may be a bit short, as I have typed it into Notepad and I do not have pages to work with.

______________________________________________________________________
Adurna, Deloi, Vindr, Kveyka, abr Brisingr

Chapter One- Revealing the Past

Angmar looked up at the sun, it's light glaring in his face, from his carefully placed
crops on his father's farm. Replace the comma after face with a period, then replace the period after farm with a comma. It's both better grammar and it help's make the story flow better. He saw it was a few hours till sunset and he still had time
to finish his last few crops. His brother, Ankhun, arrived from his visit to Carvahall for supplies and said,
I felt like the arrival of Ankhun was a bit bare, try adding another sentence. For example; Angmar heard a set of familiar footseps, he twisted around and spotted his grinning brother, Ankhun. He had just arrived from Carvahall with supplie's.
"Need a hand with that?"
Strange... he never offers to help... thought Angmar. It's either a trick or he's having a good day.
"Sure!!" ( The extra ! mark is unessacary) It's almost done- but I'll get something to eat first." Angmar walked inside his family's great house- it filled the greater part of two thousand square feet, though in these days it was often empty, as his father, Nangur, was a Rider, and was often on missions to some place or another.

Ever since the great war with Galbatorix four hundred and twenty four years, three hundred and fifty-seven days ago, Angmar's whole family had been riders...What is it that causes us all to become riders? Again I feel like you need to add a few word's here, the prose seem's a bit akward. For example, instead of having him think "What is the cause..." Something along the line's of; "Angmar's whole family had been rider's, a mystery he never stopped pondering. There was no logical reason why, but if there was, Angmar would find it." All but Ankhun, himself and their sister had been tested before the eggs and dragons had hatched for them. Ankhun was Angmar's twin brother, and in nine days they would be tested- one day after the anniversary of the Ragnarök- 'Doom of the Gods.' Though is wasn't the doom of the gods, exactly, Period after exatly, not comma. it was the doom of a very god-like figure- Galbatorix. Angmar's great-uncle, Eragon himself had vanquished the dark king with a blazing sword- Brisingr. Angmar's grandfather Roran, who had not become a rider himself (You dont't need the himself, it sort of cut's off the flow), had told Angmar's mother Isolde, who later became Rider to the dragon Brisingr-Garjzla, that Eragon's first spell had been Brisingr, Period after Brisingr. It had killed, instead of killing. killing two savage Urgals controlled by the dark shade Durza with a flaming blue arrow, and -had- nearly killed himself doing it. In nine days Angmar would under go his first test at the capital city of the riders- Carvahall- where he would be put before a clutch of dragon eggs to see if they hatched for him.

Angmar walked into his room with a piece of sourdough bread and looked above his bed and saw a fairth that had not been there before. How did that get there? Is that one of those examples of magic that cannot be explained? The fairth was of his mother and father balancing ontop of the topmost branch of the highest tree in the clearing surrounding their house, situated several miles from Carvahall. I miss them... thought Angmar. Ankhun came in and said,
"Don't worry, brother, we shall see them at our tests."
Why is he acting so wierdly today? He seems out of sorts... he hasn't talked about the tests in the past month... thought Angmar. This was true, but what was going on in his brother's head he had no idea.
"Let's go finish those last few crops."
"Aye, the sooner done the sooner we can get supper sorted. Sister has gone to get some ingredients for stew, she just told me now."

You need to work on you dialouge a bit. Try spacing thing's more out. Press enter after each sentence that someone says.

Angmar bristled with anger as he thought of his sister. Elerna had learned to stretch out her conciousness and touch other's minds, well before he could even block his- and she was two years younger than him!!! (Again you only need one ! mark) She seemed to be the wisest and smartest of the children for her age, and she could cook, clean, write, read, ride a horse, hunt and paint unexplainably good pictures, all by herself and she was barely
twelve years of age!!! (Same thing as above, only one) Angvar joined his brother walking out of the hall to the farm and took his scythe to harvest the last few golden-browncrops, smelling of hot summers spent with family, before most of them had become high-ranked riders with many missions to complete.

______________________________________________________________________

Sorry about the length, a bit difficult to think of much for the first chapter.... any suggestions for the storyline are welcome. No update till atleast two comments WITH CRITICISM OR PRAISE and please add any suggestions I have an idea of what I'm doing for Chapter Two: Forgetting Differences

Well that's my crituqe, now on the positive side of thing's. Your overall plot and concept is very intresting. Their are not many Fan Fic's that take place after the war. Good job. I also like the idea of having Carvahall the home of the riders. Your description's and detail's are fairly well done, although you may want to add some of them. And you might want to try spacing out your paragraph's more and work on your dialouge. Also remember to develop your character's! Im going to be keeping my eye on this, I hope you continue.

Your intrested reader,

Thorn Pwns.

P.s. Please don't take this crituqe the wrong way, I'm only trying to help you improve.

This post has been edited by Thorn Pwns: 08 September 2009 - 02:37 PM

[golden glaedr]

This story is very interesting, I like how you have Eragon's family turning into dragon riders. I wonder if Angmar will get a dragon? Anyway, update soon!

[Squirtle Squirt]

Sorry guys I won't have another post till later today, as I have school... Thanks for comments I'll check up on that when I have time--- by the way I am Australian year 8 and what is a period? Is that a full stop?

[PMoore]

Yeah a period is a full stop.

Yeah a period is a full stop.

[Squirtle Squirt]

2nd chapter this is all about character building!!!

________________________________________________________________________

Brisingr, Deloi, Vindr, Kveyka un Adurna

Chapter Two: Forgetting Differences

Angmar was sitting in his room and practising his mental defences and attempting to stretch out his surroundings. He felt someone probe his mind and immediately threw up battalions of memories to guard himself. He focused only on this one thought and kept completely still, worried that a noise might destroy his concentration.

Elerna was in the great hall- where the villagers often came to eat, the only building around Carvahall that could fit several hundred people inside- attempting to immerse herself in the flow of magic, when she felt someone touch her mind. She attacked their mind back and felt it was shielded by battallions of memories of her parents, Isolde and Nangur. Angmar? thought Elerna. How can he do this? Before he couldn't even shield his mind properly! Now he can shield his mind, stretch out his consciousness, and return to his mind to defend it?

Angmar suddenly lost focus because he had sneezed, and he could tell someone had slipped through his guard because he heard someone say,
Angmar! You can shield your mind!
I know I'm so glad- but how did I do that? I just started using my mind- shielding it, stretching it out, returning back... It's like I've just instantly gained the ability... maybe it's a change of my future!
Maybe you're just becoming wise- I've noticed we are all changing, like when Ankhun helped you-
There was a pause for several seconds and then...
He wants to see you.
Angmar felt Elerna leave his mind and thought, Ankhun!? Ankhun wants to see me? What is the world coming to!

Ankhun was waiting outside for Angmar for only a few seconds before he came running out of the house.
"In a rush much?"joked Ankhun.
"What in Alagaesia is up with you today? Normally you're trying to kill me with pranks or traps!"
"Well... I just want to clean the slate because if I'm a horrible person a dragon will be less likely to hatch me, and you are such a good person so you will likely be a rider and you will be so powerful- can't you see why I wouldn't want you as an enemy?" Ankhun's new joking demeanour had vanished by the end of his speech.
"Aye, I suppose you're right. Well I won't hold any grudges against you. Brothers then?" Angmar said, holding out his hand and arm.
"Aye, brothers," replied Ankhun, grasping his hand in return.
Little did they know, that was exactly what their grandfather and great-uncle had said over five hundred years before. It was the symbol of family and unity- the two interlocked arms. They released the hold and Angmar said,
"Want to go hunting in the Spine?"
"Sure. Best catch gets let off chores for a week and the other person has do them."
Angmar was surprised. Normally he was a much better shot with the bow, so he had a good chance of winning.
"Well looks like you're stuck with my chores for a while then!"
"We'll see about that..."
The laughing pair walked back up the paved path towards their huge house to get their bows, arrows, and elven-made hunting knives.

**********************************************************************

Angmar peeked around the corner of the huge tree he was hiding behind. He nocked two arrows- he was an expert archer and could shoot two or even three arrows at once- and sighted down the top arrow at a large buck, pulled back the bowstring and released in a single, smooth movement. His aim was true and both arrows soared through the air and impaled the buck through the heart. He heard Ankhun groan, as this was the biggest of all the deer in the herd. He ran in through the stampeding herd as gracefully as a leopard andpicked up the deer. He walked across the meadow where Ankhun was collecting two smaller *does (sp) and said,
"Well looks like you lost, brother. Pay up!"
Ankhun hesitated, then gave in and said,
"I swear by the soul of my mother that I will fulfill the task of completing Angmar's chores for the next week."
"Then, brother, you can carry my catch home as your first chore."
Angmar laughed as Ankhun staggered forward with his already heavy load and picked up the buck, groaning from the weight. They then began the long trek home from the Spine.

______________________________________________________________________

*does- is that the plural for doe?

Spoiler: i dont know how do the black thing where you cant see the writing unless mouse is over it but in the next chapter Angmar will have a premonition/sleep scrying

This post has been edited by sapheragon: 03 December 2009 - 09:09 AM

[Squirtle Squirt]

Chapter Three: Dreams and Whispers

Angmar was flying in the sky, on what he did not know, but below him he saw a vast expanse of blue. He flew lower and saw there were ships. Hundreds of ships, even thousands. They looked tattered and in bad condition but looked like they were once fine, elegant warships. He saw hundreds of men on each ship and they all were fully armed with swords, bows, spears, hûthvirs and other strange ones he had never seen before. They had sharp, defined armor and animalistic helms. Flying even closer Angmar saw they had slanted eyes, but unlike elves they had round ears. They must have been humans from some foreign country. Huge war machines started being carted out of the holds of ships, and boulders placed in dips on the machines. Alcohol was poured on the boulders, and lit. They suddenly got shot out and Angmar saw them flying straight towards him. He felt himself getting pulled to the side and watched the flaming boulder go flying past and
hit a castle, and many more followed it. The invaders drew swords, picked up spears, fit the blades onto their hûthvirs, and their other strange blades, and screamed out a battle roar. They jumped off their ships and landed on Alagaesian soil, killing all in their path.

Angmar woke from his terrifying dream covered in sweat, and saw Ankhun and Elerna standing above him, worried looks on their faces. Ankhun seemed to recover and said,
"It's time to leave for Carvahall- the tests, Angmar."
"Wow! Is it our birthday? Amazing the last week went by so quickly."
"Probably because you didn't have any chores," grumbled Ankhun.
"Well can you guys leave, I have to get ready."
They obeyed and Angmar packed; seeing as if a dragon hatched for him he would begin training immediately, he packed all the essentials, clothes, his tinderbox, a whetstone, his hunting knife, and he took his bow and quiver off the wall and slung them over his back. He took one last look around the house, and took some things to help him remember his home. He took a sliver of wood which had fallen off and looked at it, when to his shock it turned to silver in his hand. What the... thought Angmar. This house must be imbued with amazingly strong magic! He left and searched the other bedrooms. Finally he came to his parents room. In the corner he saw a sword with a sheath of dark rich green, the colour of grass in spring, and he was dumbfounded- his fathers dragon was gold and his mother's was white! He picked it up and it felt like it was made for him, it fit his hand perfectly. Suddenly a shield materialised infront of him, and grabbed it incase it fell down and dented on the floor. This house is giving me too many surprises... Angmar thought. Time to go and meet the others. He hung his sword on his hip and slung the shield on his back with his bow and quiver.

"Where'd you get that?" asked Ankhun, pointing at the blade on Angmar's hip.
"I don't know where it came from, it was in the corner of mother and father's room, then this shield materialised somehow."
"It's beautiful!" exclaimed Elerna gazing at it as if it were her baby.
"Well we better go then, Fate has some doors for us to open."
They started the long trek down to the village, where the rest of their lives would be decided.

********************************************************************************


The trio arrived at the village of Carvahall, the command center of the Riders, and immediately set off for the Tower of the Fang, where the Riders held meetings, kept the dragon eggs, and recieved mission briefings. On the way they saw a streetside market, with stalls and shows, like men juggling swords, fire-eating men, bearded women, and in a huge cage Angmar saw a Shrrg- a huge wolf native to the Beor Mountains. When they arrived at the tower they saw a troop of guards keeping sentry outside the keep, who instantly split to make way for the newcomers, because though they hadn't seen the trio before they saw the rider blade on Angmar's hip. They climbed the keep- there were thousands of stairs, and they saw dozens of rooms for the riders to sleep in, with a hole in the wall big enough for a huge dragon to fit through. Eventually they reached the top where there was four rooms- one a hall with a dragons head symbol on a wall at the end- a meeting hall evidently- a smaller room with it's door closed but it had a symbol of a flame adorned with a crown-
The lead rider's bedroom! thought Angmar. Seeing as the door is closed Eragon must be in there!
Suddenly the door opened and a handsome, but grim looking... something came out.
AH! That must be Eragon! Why does he look so strange? He looks half elf half human-
"Hello Angmar, I am your great-uncle."

________________________________________________________________________________

Fun chapter for me to write- I just had to have a dramatic ending!!!

This post has been edited by sapheragon: 10 September 2009 - 03:12 AM

[Aramus Shurtugal]

"I'm your great-uncle."

Its almost as good as:

"Luke I am your father."

Good chapter. But you needed some more desctiption like, what did the street look like?

[Eleria]

"I'm your great-uncle."

Its almost as good as:

"Luke I am your father."

Good chapter. But you needed some more desctiption like, what did the street look like?

indeed.

The line it reminded me of was "I'm your grandma!"

It was said by The Wolf (Patrick Warburton) in Hoodwinked, which made it very memorable, because he tried to sound like a female!

[Squirtle Squirt]

Actually I mentioned he was his great uncle earlier, in chapter one

@ Aramus thanks I'll do that later

[Aramus Shurtugal]

Your welcome.

[RenegadeShroom]

I just realized... this story is 500 years after the downfall of Galbatorix (which could have taken several years, which we don't know yet.) But let's assume that the Inheritance Cycle is set in the approximate time frame of the Medieval Ages. Five hundred years later, wouldn't they have better technology? Yes, I realize that you aren't very far into your fanfiction, and yes, I realize this is you're story, but you do need to think about it logically. Even if the technology is more like machine+magic, it's still technological advancement. I'm just pointing this out, before you get too far and make a large logical error, sorry if I offended you in any way.

And yes, I think the story is good so far, keep up the good work!

- Shroom