[Dragon eggs from the]

Chapter 1
Encounter


Eragon was walking through the Varden's camp. He was having a day of rest that Nasuada had granted him. The Varden were waiting to march because the battle had cost them 3000 men. They still had 35000 left in there Army but they had all wanted to grieve for those that they had lost.

Eragon walked through the crowd as the usual yells of requests were called out to him. He was going to see Angela, to find out more about Tenga. The man was fascinating and the scrolls he possessed were many.


Tenga might well be a very valuable ally thought Eragon
He may know quite a bit. He started that fire without the use of the Ancient Language. He would also be a very deadly enemy. After I see Angela. I will visit him and see what side of the war he will join. But I will need to get Nasuada's permission. Oh I wish Saphira was here. I need her opinion on the matter, and I need her to get to Tenga. Why did she have to hunt that far away Eragon was keeping his mind in contact to everyone else around him. ? Suddenly, he found a mind which was blocked to him. It was human but not a member of Du Vrangr Gata.

The Black Hand is here. Thought Eragon
He silently drew Brisingr and crept up on the man. He was headed towards Nasuada's tent and he then stopped outside of it. Suddenly he drew a dagger and asulted the Nighthawks. Eragon's eyes widened, because the man was as quick as an elf.

Eragon raced to the tent and burst inside the man saw him and tried to get away from Eragon before realising that escape was impossible and he drew his sword. He had no chance against Eragon. He was as strong as an elf and as quick as one, but Eragon was ten times better a swordsman as the unknown man was. within seconds the man was dead. Just before the man died Eragon broke into his mind and learnt the name of the existing members of the black hand. Once the man was dead eragon looked over to Nasuada to find her drenched in blood. Eragon groaned. Nasuada was stabbed 3 centimeters away from the heart. She was alive but Eragon had to heal the wound. He then found Blodhgarm's mind and told him to get the elf most skilled in healing and bring them to Nasuada's tent. He then heard Saphira land next to the tent.

Eragon took some energy from The belt of Beloth the Wise to regain his energy. Suddenly he heard a mighty roar from the North west. He went out of Nasuada's tent to see Murtagh and Thorn several miles away from camp. Saphira let out an equally load roar as Eragon jumped onto her. He located Arya and told her what was happening so that she could combine forces with the Elves and help him if necessary.

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well what do you think, a bit short but part two will be up later

This post has been edited by Dragon eggs from the: 27 December 2009 - 11:25 AM

[glaedrreincarnate]

Chapter 1
Encounter


Eragon was walking through the Varden's camp. He was having a day of rest that Nasuada had granted him. The Varden were waiting to march because the battle had cost them 3000 men. They still had 35000 left in there Army but they had all wanted to grieve for those that they had lost.

Eragon walked through the crowd as the usual yells of requests were called out to him. He was going to see Angela, to find out more about Tenga. The man was fascinating and the scrolls he possessed were many.


Tenga might well be a very valuable thought Eragon
He may know quite a bit. He started that fire without the use of the Ancient Language. He would also be a very deadly enemy. After I see Angela. I will visit him and see what side of the war he will join. But I will need to get Nasuada's permission. Oh I wish Saphira was here. I need her opinion on the matter, and I need her to get to Tenga. Eragon was keeping his mind in contact to everyone else around him. ? Suddenly, he found a mind which was blocked to him. It was human but not a member of Du Vrangr Gata.

The Black Hand is here. Thought Eragon
He silently drew Brisingr and crept up on the man. He was headed towards Nasuada's tent and he then stopped outside of it. Suddenly he drew a dagger and asulted the Nighthawks. Eragon's eyes widened, because the man was as quick as an elf.

Eragon raced to the tent and burst inside the man saw him and tried to get away ? You need to fix this . He had no chance against Eragon. He was as strong as an elf and as quick as one, but Eragon was ten times better a swordsman as the unknown man was. within seconds the man was dead. Just before the man died Eragon broke into his mind and learnt the name of the existing members of the black hand. Once the man was dead eragon looked over to Nasuada to find her drenched in blood. Eragon groaned. Nasuada was stabbed 3 centimeters away from the heart. She was alive but Eragon had to heal the wound. He then found Blodhgarm's mind and told him to get the elf most skilled in healing and bring them to Nasuada's tent. He then heard Saphira land next to the tent.

Eragon took some energy from The belt of Beloth the Wise to regain his energy. Suddenly he heard a mighty roar from the North west. He went out of Nasuada's tent to see Murtagh and Thorn several miles away from camp. Saphira let out an equally load roar as Eragon jumped onto her. He located Arya and told her what was happening so that she could combine forces with the Elves and help him if necessary.

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well what do you think, a bit short but part two will be up later

I have to keep it short, you need to add more description and emotion. That will lengthen it. Also you need to fix several capitalization errors. Hope you continue writing.
Your reader,
-GRI

[darkangel447]

Chapter 1
Encounter

Eragon was walking through the Varden camps. He was having a day of rest that Nasuada had granted him. The Varden were waiting to march because the battle had cost them 3000 men. They still had 35000 left in there Army but they had all wanted to grieve for those that they had lost.

Ok, this is a nice opening, but it lacks any detail, it reads more like a list of facts to me. Maybe you could describe what Eragon was seeing while he was walking through the camp, or how he was walking (quickly, slowly, etc.) And personally, I prefer to write the numbers with words, rather than using actually digits, but that’s personal choice.

Eragon walked through the crowd as usual yells of requests were called out to him. He was going to see Angela, to find out more about Tenga. The man was fascinating and the scrolls he possessed were many.

Again, just more description needed here. Did Eragon reply to any of the requests? Did he not?
And just a grammar point, you need an 'and' in the first sentence; so it would be
'Eragon walked through the crowd and, as usual, yells of requests were called out to him.'
You could even remove the 'yells of' as we get the gist with the 'called out to him.'

Tenga might well be a very valuable thought Eragon

I’m not sure if you're missing a word here, or if the a needs to be removed?
So it could be
'Tenga might well be a very valuble source of information'
or
'Tenga might well be a very valuble'

He knows a lot as well. He started that fire without the use of the Ancient Language. He would also be a very deadly enemy. After i see Angela I will visit him and see what side of the war he will join. But i will need to get Nasuada's permission. Oh i wish Saphira was here. I need her opinion on the matter, and i need her to get to Tenga Eragon was keeping his mind in contact to everyone else around him. Suddenly he found a mind which was blocked to him and it was Human but not a member of Du Vrangr Gata.

This is also good, but again, lacks description. Where has Saphira gone? What is she up too?
And 'Human' should be 'human'

The Black Hand is here. thought Eragon
He silently drew Brisingr and crept up on the man. He was headed towards Nasuada's tent and he then stopped outside it. Suddenly he drew a dagger and asulted the Nighthawks. Eragon's eyes widened because the man was as quick as an elf.

This is nice, but you would have thought that the Nighthawks would have seen him, as this man was standing right outside Nasuada’s tent. If you meant him to be around the side of the tent, then you need specifically say that. Adding description here will make it clearer

Eragon raced to the tent and burst inside the man saw him and tried to get away.

This should maybe read
'Eragon raced to the tent and burst inside. The man saw him and tried to get away'

He had no chance against Eragon. He was as strong as an elf and as quick as one, but Eragon was 10 times the better swordsman as the unknown man was. Within seconds the man was dead.

This is again nice, but what about trying to put a bit more of the fight in? It would fit in nicely here, and would allow you to pad out this chapter a bit with some more description.

Just before the man died Eragon broke into his mind and learnt the names of the existing members of the Black Hand. Once the man was dead Eragon looked over to Nasuada to find her drenched in blood. Eragon groaned. Nasuada was stabbed 3 centimeters away from the heart. She was alive but Eragon had to heal the wound. He then found Blodhgarm's mind and told him to get the elf most skilled in healing and bring them to Nasuada's tent. He then heard Saphira land next to the tent.

Ok a lot happens in this small paragraph. The man dies; Eragon breaks into his mind; Eragon learns the name of the existing Black Hand; Nasuada is stabbed; Eragon realises that Nusuada is still alive; Eragon realises he has to heal the wound; Eragon contacts Blodhgarm; Eragon tell Blodhgarm to bring help, and then Saphira lands.

You need to slow down here. I understand that you have a really great story line, and you really want to tell people about it, but you can extend this with description. You could possibly get two chapters from all of that information, maybe even three.

Eragon took some energy from The belt of Beloth the Wise to regain his energy. Suddenly he heard a mighty roar from the North west. He went out of Nasuada's tent to see Murtagh and Thorn several miles away from camp. Saphira let out an equally load roar as Eragon jumped onto her. He located Arya and told her what was happening so that she could combine forces with the Elves and help him if necessary.

Ok. Again, you have a lot going on, and you need to slow down. It's all go at the Varden encampment at the moment! And just a thought, one of the Varden would have seen Murtagh and Thorn approaching, unless Murtagh had made them both invisible - you could talk about that maybe, just to add extra depth.

I'm really interested to see how this is going to turn out, and I can't wait for the next chapter.
My one main piece of advice is to slow down. We all do it; we all want to tell everyone our latest twist, but you need to have a balance between action and emotion/description. I really like the fact that you haven't started with Eragon grieving, or an Eragon/Arya moment!

Keep it up!
Your new reader
Dark
(Oh, and don't take this post personally! It's how I'm starting to critique every story I read )

[Dragon eggs from the]

Ok u will change that when my dad gets off the computer. I am posting on my iPod so i cannot change it right now
For all that would stop reading otherwise Arya will become a dragon rider but not Greeni's Dragon Rider
EDIT: dark i have just edited it to say were saphira is, i missed out the word ally in the tenga line and Eragon could only see thorn thanks to his elven eyesight

This post has been edited by Dragon eggs from the: 26 September 2009 - 03:57 PM

[darkangel447]

Ok u will change that when my dad gets off the computer. I am posting on my iPod so i cannot change it right now
For all that would stop reading otherwise Arya will become a dragon rider but not Greeni's Dragon Rider

Humm, interesting! So I'm guessing there are going to be more eggs from somewhere?

[Dragon eggs from the]

Ok u will change that when my dad gets off the computer. I am posting on my iPod so i cannot change it right now
For all that would stop reading otherwise Arya will become a dragon rider but not Greeni's Dragon Rider

Humm, interesting! So I'm guessing there are going to be more eggs from somewhere?

Yes and if anyone guesses were it will be found i will send them V.important chappy

[rose dragomir]

pretty good so far

[Alexanderthorn]

I really like, please update!

I really like, please update!

[glaedrreincarnate]

Remember to use proper capitalization, it is against forum rules not to.

[Dragon eggs from the]

Chapter 2
Fight


Murtagh drew Zar'roc as Eragon flew nearer to him. Fear was in his eyes when he saw Brisingr in Eragon's hand

"So you decided to come here again Murtagh" said Eragon "Didn't you learn last time that I am more powerful then you, even if you do have more Erlunadi then last time. I didn't even use the extent of my power last time we fought."

"Well i do have more Erlunadi then last, i now have 21 Eldunari. Last time I had 6." stated Murtagh "That should show you how much more powerful I am then you. And even so, i have another 10 near me in case I need them. But Galbatorix still has another 600 Eldunari. Even if you could beat me here today you would have no chance against him. He still has 20 times the power I have. Which is probably why he gave me them."


Eragon paled in the apprehension of his power, and the fact that Galbatorix was over 100 times more powerful then when Murtagh faced him last. He and Murtagh were equal in swordsmanship while Murtagh more powerful in magic. But Saphira was always better then Thorn in flight. If he and Murtagh fought alone then Saphira would overpower Thorn without trouble. Especially since Thorn had lost most of his tail now.

"Then let us finish this on the ground instead of up here. No magic at all just a fight of blades. Or are you too scared? If I win then you shall hand over the Eldunari, if you win I shall hand over mine and all the other power that I have, and I will go with you to Uru'baen" Eragon gambled. If he won then he would be a lot stronger, but if he lost he would be in Uru'baen and have no power left at all. Eragon linked minds with the other Elves. He would need all of them to help him if he were to win.

"Very well Brother, I consent" stated Murtagh

And he jumped off Thorn, stopping himself with magic just before he landed. Eragon then did the same. They started to circle each other getting ready for the other to make the first move. Murtagh did, moving at elven speed and started with an upwards slash quickly followed by a thrust. Eragon parried the slash and ducked underneath the thrust. He then rolled to the left so Murtagh did not have the time to bring his sword down. Eragon then launched himself into a massive counter-attack. He brought his sword towards Murtagh's head. At the last second he stopped and went for Murtagh's sword hand. He succeeded in catching Murtagh's hand but he wasn't thinking about what would happen next. Murtagh yelled in pain but managed to cut Eragon's leg as Eragon had not put himself into a defensive position.

After 20 minutes of this Eragon and Murtagh were panting. Eragon had given Murtagh several wounds and also given a deep wound on the leg. Murtagh had given Eragon a cut on his face. Eragon was winning but was not overpowering Murtagh. They were also both faint from the blood loss but neither would heal themselves out of the oath taken before the fight that they would not use magic so they could not heal themselves. Eragon went on the offensive again and fought harder then before. Murtagh was growing weaker and weaker. Eragon stabbed at him and when that was blocked he slashed with all his strength. Zar'roc flew through the air and Brisingr was at Murtagh's neck. At the same time Thorn was on the floor with Saphira at his neck with her claws at his wings with large cuts all over his body.

"Well done Eragon. You defeated me. But do not kill me yet please" Murtagh announced while grimacing in pain from both his wounds and the pain coming over from his link with Thorn. He then murmured an unintelligible word and 30 erlunadi appeared around them. "Now I will tell you this. I brought the last dragon egg here with me as well. It is hidden with light bent around it three meters to the left of us. Galbatorix also told me return with you or don't return at all. This means I am free to do what I want but I cannot go to the Varden or Elves. Galbatorix still knows my true name so it is too risky. I will go to the Spine and try and change my true name. Once I do I will come to you. I am only keeping one Eldunari for myself, and that is Thorns. You can scry me whenever you want and I will keep a mirror so we can talk but I will only contact you once a month or if my name changes." Eragon lowered Brisingr and with that Murtagh got up and walked over to Thorn. Saphira let Thorn up and Murtagh jumped onto him. Thorn took off towards the North as Murtagh yelled out
"Until next time Brother."
"Aye until next time" Eragon yelled back. looking around him at the Eldunari.
"Unbend the light" said Eragon in the Ancient Language, directed at were Murtagh said the egg was.
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Well what do you think of that.
I know I could have done more on the fight scene but I am an amateur and only 13 years old

This post has been edited by Dragon eggs from the: 29 September 2009 - 11:43 AM

[darkangel447]

Chapter 2
Fight

Murtagh drew Zar'roc as Eragon flew nearer to him. Fear was in his eyes when he saw Brisingr in Eragon's hand.

"So you decided to come here again Murtagh, Thorn?" said Eragon "Didn't you learn last time that I am more powerful then you, even if you do have more Erlunadi then last time. I didn't even use the extent of my power last time we fought."

"Well I do have more Erlunadi then last, I now have 21 Erlunadi Eldunari. Last time i had 6." stated Murtagh "That should show you how much more powerful I am then you. And even so, I have another 10 near me in case I need them. But Galbatorix still has another 600 ErlunadiEldunari. Even if you could beat me here today you would have no chance against him. He still has 10 times the power I have. Which is probably why he gave me them."

This is definatly getting better. You have put more description in, but you still have a problem with capital letters. Also, while you have put more description in, it's not enough to really give life to your story, in my opinion. My view is that you can never have to much description; its easier for your readers to say 'Thats to much description' than it is when we say 'Thats too little.'

Eragon paled in the apprehension of his power, and the fact that Galbatorix was over 100 times more powerful then when Murtagh faced him last. He and Murtagh were equal in swordsmanship while Murtagh more powerful in magic. But Saphira was always better then Thorn in flight. If he and Murtagh fought alone then Saphira would overpower Thorn without trouble. Especially since Thorn had lost most of his tail now.

"Then let us finish this on the ground instead of up here. No magic just a fight of blades. Or are you too scared? If I win then you shall hand over the Erlunadi Eldunari, if youwin, I will shall(You don't need both will and shall, one or the other will do) hand over mine and all the other power that I have, and I will go with you to Uru'baen" Eragon gambled. If he won then he would be a lot stronger, but if he lost he would be in Uru'baen and have no power left at all. Eragon linked minds with the other Elves. He would need all of them to help him if he were to win.

"Very well Brother, I consent" stated Murtagh

And he jumped off Thorn, stopping himself with magic just before he landed. Eragon then did the same. They started to circle each other getting ready for the other to make the first move. Murtagh did, moving at elven speed and started with an upwards slash quickly followed by a thrust. Eragon parried the slash and ducked underneath the thrust. He then rolled to the left so Murtagh did not have the time to bring his sword down. Eragon then launched himself into a massive counter-attack. He brought his sword towards Murtagh's head. At the last second he stopped and went for Murtagh's sword hand. He succeeded in catching Murtagh's(Either use 'Murtagh's arm' or 'Murtagh', it gets a little confusing when you refer backwards to a sentence) and but(Again, you don't need the 'and', keep the 'but') he wasn't thinking about what would happen next. Murtagh yelled in pain but managed to cut Eragon's leg as Eragon had not put himself into a defensive position.

This is a fine fight scene! For a first attempt, well done! Again, its just adding description to each attack.

After 20 minutes of this Eragon and Murtagh were panting. Eragon had given Murtagh several wounds and also given him a wound to the leg(Ok, this is just confusing. Who has given who a wound here? You could say something like; 'Eragon had given Murtagh several wounds, including a deep gash to his right leg.'. Murtagh had given Eragon a cut on his face. Eragon was winning but was not overpowering Murtagh. They were also both faint from the blood loss but neither would heal themselves out of the oath taken before the fight. (Ok, I know you said 'no magic' at the start of the fight, but you really need to make the whole 'non-healing' thing much more obvious) Eragon went on the offensive again and fought harder then before Murtagh was growing weaker and weaker. Eragon stabbed at him and when that was blocked, he slashed with all his strength. Zar'roc flew through the air and Brisingr was at Murtagh's neck. At the same time Thorn was on the floor with Saphira at his neck with her claws at his wings.

There are some clumsy sentences in here, but other than that, it worked really well. I really liked the sentence 'Eragon was winning but was not overpowering Murtagh.' It worked really well in this paragraph.

" Well done Eragon. You defeated me. But do not kill me yet please" Murtagh stated.(You use 'stated' alot in this chapter, try using different words, they add more description) He then murmured an unintelligible word and 30 erlunadiEldunari appeared around them. "Now I will tell you this. I brought the last dragon egg here with me as well. It is hidden with light bent around it three meters to the left. Galbatorix also told me return with you or don't return at all. This means I am free to do what I want but I cannot go to the Varden or Elves. Galbatorix still knows my true name so it is too risky. I will go to the Spine and try and change my true name. Once I do I will gocome to you. I am only keeping one ErlunadiEldunari for myself, and that is Thorns. You can scry me whenever you want and I will keep a mirror so we can talk, but I will only contact you once a month or if my name changes." Eragon lowered Brisingr and with that Murtagh got up and walked over to Thorn. Saphira let Thorn up and Murtagh jumped onto him. Thorn took off towards the North as Murtagh yelled out
"Until next time Brother."
"Aye until next time" Eragon yelled back. looking around him at the Erlunadi.
"Unbend the light" said Eragon in the Ancient Language, directed at were Murtagh said the egg was.
(Murtagh never told Eragon where the egg was hidden, he only said 'I brought it with me.')

Ok, there were a few mistakes I spotted; biggest of all was the constant mis-spelling of Eldunari, and the use of 'i' instead of 'I'
Other than that, I can see a definate improvement, but you can still get more description in there.

Your reader
Dark

This post has been edited by darkangel447: 27 September 2009 - 05:40 AM

[Dragon eggs from the]

First of all could whoever voted "Other" in the poll please post who you want to be a rider or what other v. powerful thing you want

Chapter 2
Fight

Murtagh drew Zar'roc as Eragon flew nearer to him. Fear was in his eyes when he saw Brisingr in Eragon's hand.

"So you decided to come here again Murtagh, Thorn?" said Eragon "Didn't you learn last time that I am more powerful then you, even if you do have more Erlunadi then last time. I didn't even use the extent of my power last time we fought."

"Well I do have more Erlunadi then last, I now have 21 Erlunadi Eldunari. Last time i had 6." stated Murtagh "That should show you how much more powerful I am then you. And even so, I have another 10 near me in case I need them. But Galbatorix still has another 600 ErlunadiEldunari. Even if you could beat me here today you would have no chance against him. He still has 10 times the power I have. Which is probably why he gave me them."

This is definatly getting better. You have put more description in, but you still have a problem with capital letters. Also, while you have put more description in, it's not enough to really give life to your story, in my opinion. My view is that you can never have to much description; its easier for your readers to say 'Thats to much description' than it is when we say 'Thats too little.'

Eragon paled in the apprehension of his power, and the fact that Galbatorix was over 100 times more powerful then when Murtagh faced him last. He and Murtagh were equal in swordsmanship while Murtagh more powerful in magic. But Saphira was always better then Thorn in flight. If he and Murtagh fought alone then Saphira would overpower Thorn without trouble. Especially since Thorn had lost most of his tail now.

"Then let us finish this on the ground instead of up here. No magic just a fight of blades. Or are you too scared? If I win then you shall hand over the Erlunadi Eldunari, if youwin, I will shall(You don't need both will and shall, one or the other will do) hand over mine and all the other power that I have, and I will go with you to Uru'baen" Eragon gambled. If he won then he would be a lot stronger, but if he lost he would be in Uru'baen and have no power left at all. Eragon linked minds with the other Elves. He would need all of them to help him if he were to win.

"Very well Brother, I consent" stated Murtagh

And he jumped off Thorn, stopping himself with magic just before he landed. Eragon then did the same. They started to circle each other getting ready for the other to make the first move. Murtagh did, moving at elven speed and started with an upwards slash quickly followed by a thrust. Eragon parried the slash and ducked underneath the thrust. He then rolled to the left so Murtagh did not have the time to bring his sword down. Eragon then launched himself into a massive counter-attack. He brought his sword towards Murtagh's head. At the last second he stopped and went for Murtagh's sword hand. He succeeded in catching Murtagh's(Either use 'Murtagh's arm' or 'Murtagh', it gets a little confusing when you refer backwards to a sentence) and but(Again, you don't need the 'and', keep the 'but') he wasn't thinking about what would happen next. Murtagh yelled in pain but managed to cut Eragon's leg as Eragon had not put himself into a defensive position.

This is a fine fight scene! For a first attempt, well done! Again, its just adding description to each attack.

After 20 minutes of this Eragon and Murtagh were panting. Eragon had given Murtagh several wounds and also given him a wound to the leg(Ok, this is just confusing. Who has given who a wound here? You could say something like; 'Eragon had given Murtagh several wounds, including a deep gash to his right leg.'. Murtagh had given Eragon a cut on his face. Eragon was winning but was not overpowering Murtagh. They were also both faint from the blood loss but neither would heal themselves out of the oath taken before the fight. (Ok, I know you said 'no magic' at the start of the fight, but you really need to make the whole 'non-healing' thing much more obvious) Eragon went on the offensive again and fought harder then before Murtagh was growing weaker and weaker. Eragon stabbed at him and when that was blocked, he slashed with all his strength. Zar'roc flew through the air and Brisingr was at Murtagh's neck. At the same time Thorn was on the floor with Saphira at his neck with her claws at his wings.

There are some clumsy sentences in here, but other than that, it worked really well. I really liked the sentence 'Eragon was winning but was not overpowering Murtagh.' It worked really well in this paragraph.

" Well done Eragon. You defeated me. But do not kill me yet please" Murtagh stated.(You use 'stated' alot in this chapter, try using different words, they add more description) He then murmured an unintelligible word and 30 erlunadiEldunari appeared around them. "Now I will tell you this. I brought the last dragon egg here with me as well. It is hidden with light bent around it three meters to the left. Galbatorix also told me return with you or don't return at all. This means I am free to do what I want but I cannot go to the Varden or Elves. Galbatorix still knows my true name so it is too risky. I will go to the Spine and try and change my true name. Once I do I will gocome to you. I am only keeping one ErlunadiEldunari for myself, and that is Thorns. You can scry me whenever you want and I will keep a mirror so we can talk, but I will only contact you once a month or if my name changes." Eragon lowered Brisingr and with that Murtagh got up and walked over to Thorn. Saphira let Thorn up and Murtagh jumped onto him. Thorn took off towards the North as Murtagh yelled out
"Until next time Brother."
"Aye until next time" Eragon yelled back. looking around him at the Erlunadi.
"Unbend the light" said Eragon in the Ancient Language, directed at were Murtagh said the egg was.
(Murtagh never told Eragon where the egg was hidden, he only said 'I brought it with me.')

Ok, there were a few mistakes I spotted; biggest of all was the constant mis-spelling of Eldunari, and the use of 'i' instead of 'I'
Other than that, I can see a definate improvement, but you can still get more description in there.

Your reader
Dark

Ok I have changed those mistakes and I said "The egg is three meters to the left of us"

Next update will be either tonight or tomorrow

This post has been edited by Dragon eggs from the: 27 September 2009 - 06:09 AM

[Eragon S Bromsson]

Not too shabby!

Actually, its really great but as darkangel447 has already said and has already pointed out mostly all the mistakes, I will only say you heed his advice.

On a happier note, your story is entrancing, and I read the spooiler part which you covered up, and I am wondering from where will those things come? I think from Doru Araeba, Utgard or...Du Fells Nangoroth.

Anyway, I say, in the last two chapters you really do need a little more description. In the first, you can describe the people who are calling out to him, or the tents he passes by. And the fight with that man of the Black Hand. You should have described his clothes, or his weapons. You could have even included a fight...but I forget that you are just beginning the story.

No problem, you will get better as you write more (trust me, when I began I look back at the first chapter I wrote, I began to laugh).

About the second chapter, you can describe the surroundings. You see, it is rather difficult to get an image of the fight in the minds eye if we don't know where the fight is happening. When I read it, I just saw those two fighting in a white background.

Not meaning to be harsh friend, even I am a recent author.

Your faithful reader,

ESb

[Polynesian]

Nice two chapters. However, I feel that you lack a lot of facial expression and description. For example, when Eragon defeated Murtagh, you didn't say anything about him grimacing, for example. I also felt that you really neglected the aerial battle of Thorn and Saphira.

I assume that Murtagh accepted Eragon's fight because he wanted to be defeated. Am I by any chance wrong?

There's also one thing that's bothering me. First, Eragon says that Saphira is hunting far away, and next he's just there when Murtagh and Thorn come. How is that possible?

Keep on writing. I think this really could become a great story, if not else then because you didn't start with this "It had been three days since Feinster. Even Then, Eragon mourned his fallen masters" pooop

[Aramus Shurtugal]

It is pretty good. But you don't have enough emotion, if any. And you also need description. If you don't know how to do this, some people don't, then I can post again telling you how.