[Future Quest]

INDEX OF POEMS AND SONGS:

-More Than Ever Before
-Where
-Little White Blood Soaked Door
-Deep
-With Love in the Rain
-Needles
-Reflections of a Mortal
-Leaping
-Attitude?
-Static Ocean


More Than Ever Before



Euphoria

Feel the sadness,
Smell the blood,
Taste the fear,
Hear the pain,
See the anguish,
Help the afflicted.
It's needed more than ever before.

Tip, Drag, Lose

Tip the glass again,
The room starts to swirl.
Take a drag once more,
The pain melts away.
Lose the rush and it all comes back,
More real than ever before.

The Fire Within

It's a fire that burns
Within your heart
Consuming you and never letting go.
It burns to embers but flashes back
More painful than ever before.

I Want To!

It tears me up inside
To see you falling like this
I want to save you,
But I just don't know how.
I want to help you!
Please believe me!
I want to help you more than ever before!

The Meeting

I feel the pain as you look at me
It sears me to the core
I don't even know her name
But, I can feel the shame, the guilt, the pain
She fears me, but knows I want to help.
I step toward her, more nervous than ever before.

Consolation

She tells me her blight
Of what she does at night
When nobody is there to watch
Of the things she does to take the pain
Far, far away.
She tells me that it never stays away,
It always comes back more real than ever before.
I tell her, "I know how it feels!"
"It hurts this time more than ever before,"
Comes her worried reply.
I embrace her as she shudders and cries
I cry too. I've been there.
But this time it will be gone forever
It will never come back, not like ever before.


Little, White, Blood-soaked Door
Is this how it ends?
Burning pictures, burning notes in a coffee can?
There's something that seemed so right
And another that seemed so wrong
It all turned into poison just before I walked away

I feel so broken
But I know that I'll one day be fixed.
I ruined myself the day that we kissed

You ripped my heart from me and I'm still broken
But I know that someday I'll be fixed.
My heart will be stitched up, with true love
I'll erase the scars
From when I was broken
Alone and scared
I'll soon be repaired
But now I lay shattered
In hundreds of pieces all over the floor
But I'm glad that you walked out the door.
I'm glad that you walked out that little white, blood spattered door.

Over the Edge
Why?
Why did I ever look at you?
Why did I talk to you?
It ruined me and now I'm torn in two!
It kills me slowly

I wish I could just forget,
That would solve all of my problems
These late nights sending a few fleeting messages
They almost seem like nothingness
I can't tell you how much I am cursed with the pain of you.

You are the worst thing to ever happen to me
I just want to erase the memory of you from my mind

Look at me with those chilling eyes
Your smile and your voice chill me to the bone,
Light me ablaze
Send me over the…
EDGE!

I just can't seem to forget you
My late nights are in vain
I feel so alone.
Nothing but you could make this better for me
So I swear I'll never forget you
I swear that I'll never forget you!
I could never forget you

Even as you tear me apart without knowledge of your deed
I must confess that you're hurting me.
You're the best thing to ever happen to me
And you're killing me.

This post has been edited by Future Quest: 02 February 2010 - 01:09 AM

[Emeraldscales]

There is a place
we all sink to
a place where we feel safe

There is a place
where we are untouchable
but where we are also untouched

There is a place
where we say we can stay forever
where we can pretend to ourselves that we don't care

But that is a place
where pain only multiplies
where nothing gets better

that is a place
where we only care more
where we search more desperately for the one who will care

But there is a place
a place where it isn't safe
a dangerous place

that is the place
where you get wounds
where you get scars

But that is also the place
where you where those wounds heal
where those scars fade

that is the place
where people will hate
where they will hurt

But that is also the place
where people love
where they will heal

That is the place
where dwells hate, hurt, and confusion
where night always follows day

But that is also the place
where dwells love, loyalty, and compassion
where the dawn always breaks the night

This is the place
where one can hope
and dare to dream

this is the place
where you can always stand again
where there is always someone to stand by you

This place is life.

***********************

Sorry for posting in your thread, but I thought you needed to hear that
god bless
emeraldscales

This post has been edited by Emeraldscales: 15 October 2009 - 04:16 PM

[Malus Rune]

I like "Tip, Drag, Lose" quite a lot, the first two lines with really impressed me, I really liked the whole alcoholism reference, tipping the glass makes the room swirl, like the liquid inside.

However, I felt that some of the later ones- the ones involving women- were a bit too whiney for me. One of the reasons why I don't write love poetry- or I do, but very rarely- is because it's really quite difficult to balance it. The tricky thing is that making a poem sadder doesn't stop it being whiney; lines like You are the worst thing to ever happen to me doesn't make the reader think "Ooh wow, he's serious about this, he can't be whining about something so firm with him!", at least, not in my case.

I'd like to say that there's an instant solution and that there's something easy to remember that, so long as you do remember, will stop your poetry being whiney, but it's a very multifaceted thing. What I can say is that when I listen to a sad song, if it's a song I listen to for the lyrics, I do so because I can relate to them, and I can because I think that it really understands where I've been at the low points of my life. Don't just say how sad this girl has made you, ask yourself- how has she made you sad? Why are you sad about it? Don't just tell us about your pain- that's whining- illustrate it; bring to life the more delicate machinations of love. You started on that with "The Fire Within", so that'd be a good point to base it on, although I feel you could've worked on making it a little less "blaytant", the meaning was still a little up-front for my liking

I know I'm being harsh here, but I did actually like some of your poetry so I think you do have the makings of a good poet, and I'd like to see you reach that potential Keep writing!

This post has been edited by Malus Rune: 28 October 2009 - 02:17 PM

[Future Quest]

"Where"

It tears me up inside

To see you like this

Inside you’re empty

Outside you’re begging

For the rest that you deserve!



It’s been so long since I saw you last.

I called you but there was no answer

There’s a message on your cell phone

Why haven’t you replied?



My hands are shaking

My heart is beating me senseless

I want to see you again

I feel so helpless



My heart is broken

My veins are severed

I feel so lonely

It lasts forever

Give me an answer

Where did you go?

I need to find you

I need to know



My friend

What have you done?

I cannot find you

This day

This night

Is finally done!



"Little White Blood-Soaked Door"



Is this how it ends?

Burning pictures, burning notes in a coffee can?

There’s something that seemed so right

And another that seemed so wrong

It all turned into poison just before I walked away



I feel so broken

But I know that I’ll one day be fixed.

I ruined myself the day that we kissed



You ripped my heart from me and I’m still broken

But I know that someday I’ll be fixed.

My heart will be stitched up, with true love

I’ll erase the scars



From when I was broken

Alone and scared

I’ll soon be repaired

But now I lay shattered

In hundreds of pieces all over the floor

But I’m glad that you walked out the door.

I’m glad that you walked out that little white, blood spattered door.

This post has been edited by Future Quest: 15 December 2009 - 09:36 PM

[Malus Rune]

Mmm. Improvement! Some lines in these got to me a fair bit.

"Where"

It tears me up inside

To see you like this

Inside you’re empty

Outside you’re begging

For the rest that you deserve!

Decent first stanza. Liked it.

It’s been so long since I saw you last.

I called you but there was no answer

There’s a message on your cell phone

Why haven’t you replied?

It goes just a little downhill from here. Maybe I shouldn't whine because I was going on in my earlier post about detail, but detail isn't the same thing as "trivial"; this is a poem, not a story. If this were the tale of a man with a broken heart, yeah it probably would be a good idea to mention the unanswered calls and all that; in a poem it's more about emotion then occurrence. Talking about action with no feeling worked in there doesn't really work for me.

My hands are shaking

My heart is beating me senseless

I want to see you again

I feel so helpless

This bit really impressed me. I really liked "My heart is beating me senseless"; it really got to me; with all the tie ins between hearts actually beating, hearts causing pain, hearts causing senselessness. That was good stuff.

My heart is broken

I found that a little jarring; it was kinda too blaytant for me. We sorta got that the guy's heart was broken

My veins are severed

Interesting. I liked the physical reference.

I feel so lonely

It lasts forever

Didn't really like these too lines. The first had the aforementioned issue of being kinda out there and obvious, with little deeper meaning, while the second just came across as whiney.

Give me an answer

Where did you go?

I need to find you

I need to know

Again, worked well. I liked the rhyme, it rung quite nicely.

My friend

What have you done?

I cannot find you

This day

This night

Is finally done!

I felt that this was a good bit, but it might have been more appropriate for another poem "This Day, this Night, Is finally done!" rings to me of an ambivolent ending to a relationship; there's pain but also knowledge that it's for the best (hence the "this night" in addition to "this day", although that's just my interpretation), whereas this poem seemed mostly about pain. But overall it was a good, dramatic ending.

Overall I'd say that what that poem really could benefit from is some ruthless clipping. You spend too many lines just stating your emotions; show don't tell. As I said, a really masterful poet can tell a great deal in very few words. I'd cut out the "I'm so lonely" bits and all that; that's taken as standard, and it doesn't really challenge the reader to look into it. But there really were some gems in that, so my outlook overall is positive

"Little White Blood-Soaked Door"



Is this how it ends?

Burning pictures, burning notes in a coffee can?

There’s something that seemed so right

And another that seemed so wrong

It all turned into poison just before I walked away



I feel so broken

But I know that I’ll one day be fixed.

I ruined myself the day that we kissed



You ripped my heart from me and I’m still broken

But I know that someday I’ll be fixed.

My heart will be stitched up, with true love

I’ll erase the scars



From when I was broken

Alone and scared

I’ll soon be repaired

But now I lay shattered

In hundreds of pieces all over the floor

But I’m glad that you walked out the door.

I’m glad that you walked out that little white, blood spattered door.

Now THAT was excellent I really liked the last bit, with the whole contrast between glad/blood splattered, and I really enjoyed the first stanza. The only problem with that was that I felt the repeated use of the word "broken" was kinda jarring, and it didn't have the kind of repetition that hammers in meanings. Other then that, very nice work!

[Future Quest]

Wahoo! New ones!

Deep



Cut it deep and it starts to bleed…

Is it really what you need?

Searching for answers and finding nothing

Collapsing before me!



We all fall apart at the seams

And we just want to scream

But the words won’t come and we’re left silent

And then we cut it deep and it starts to…

Bleed!



Spilling our hearts

To each other

Hoping to find Sanctuary

In this dismal place!

And soon we’re gone with out a trace



What will come of us tomorrow?

What will come of us tonight?

What will come of us when we crumble?



Search for the thing that we need

Nothing’s solved when we start to bleed

Bind up our wounds and vow this to me

Give up the pain and say that you love me!



Cut it deep and it starts to bleed.

Is it really what you need?

Searching for answers

We have to find something…



With Love in the Rain



The splash of rain

The joy of it all

Cannot be expressed in words on their own

Splashing about with the person you love

It has to be felt

It’s bliss above all

The other good in the world

Oh, the simple rain that we share



Our voices in the air

Dancing and shouting, at the tops of our lungs

Oh, the bliss of it all

The beauty in your eyes

Makes me wonder why I don’t cry

Then I remember that I’m with you

And tears and pain have melted away

With the rain that pours down on our heads



Once again we start to dance

The water that falls keeping a beat

I look in your eyes and see no pain

All was erased by our dance in the rain

We are together with love in the rain

This post has been edited by Future Quest: 11 December 2009 - 04:29 PM

[Artrain]

Amazing compositions Future Quest. Deep was fantastic! I have nothing to critique, only to admire...

[thesadisticdragon]

I am a creature of shadow and darkness, the light pains me, but here, in the world of your poetry is a place i can thrive. The darkness of your poetry is perfect for me, what others call whiney, is the emotion you felt at the time, so give credence not to those who critisize, but those who empathize. It ALL made mefeel soo...ALIVE, so full of energy, and pain, and sadness, but also the fellings of hope and awaiting happiness somewhere in the distance. It's an easy thing to be in love, a much harder thing to endure the pain that follows a broken relationship, and therein lies true beuty.

[Future Quest]

Needles



I am dreaming

Black needles through my skin

Blood flowing ‘cross my skin

Crimson glow bathing me

The only feeling is pain

And then I am delivered

From the trap of needles

To the heights of the pit I rise

Only to be cast back down

To the needles once again

To share with them my blood

The only thing that keeps me alive

In the crimson night



Reflections of a Mortal



Decipher the depths of my heart now

And gaze into years gone by and forgotten

What is it that you will find?

Joy and bliss?

Pain and agony?

Love or hatred?



I have lived a hard life

My skin is cracked from the wear it has caused

Always tearing at me

It seeks to rip me to shreds

But I will not allow it

I am stronger than life

And stronger than death

Though it seems that they seek to destroy me yet



When will my veins grow dry

Of the very essence of my life

And leave me to become ashes in the wind

Of death and life in this scarred world?

Only time may answer my enigma



If such were revealed to me

Would I lack the will to live?

Or would I live my life to the fullest

Doing things, which I would have never dared to prior?

Such things do not concern us mortals I suppose

The Heaven above commands my breath

I am not the one to choose

What should happen to myself

In the end of my life

And when the existence of all things has ceased to be.

[Future Quest]

I wrote these for my creative writing exam and accidentally printed them out, so I brought 'em home and I think I'll share them.

Leaping

I will cast myself over the edge
And will not look back
To see the pain that you've caused
To others in your wake

On the asphalt I am walking
To the edge I am creeping
With a sudden acto of leaping
I cast myself from this ledge
And fall to blissful death below

My body shatters
My mind is free
From all the guilt and suffering
I am released from your grip
The end of life
Has caused me bliss

Attitude? (Please excuse the over-used theme; my teacher required that I use it and I censored it for the assignment; this is the uncensored version though)

Attitude?
What attitude?
The one I get when you're breathing down my neck
After I've been to hell and back?
What are you talking about attitude for?
I've never heard such foolishness
You say, "Attitude determines altitude"
But you've never flown
So yours must be fairly low.
Don't give me a lecture about "attitude"
You don't know what it means
You say it is the way I am and that one is always sour
You say I give you an attitude
And yeah, I'm sure as hell I do
you prompt me with your idiotic ramblings
To fight against the storm
The storm that brews inside your mind
Of how to get me to not succeed
You say it is my attitude, I must say it's not
I would say it's you
Attitude determines altitude
And your flight is grounded.

[witch168]

I was very impressed with "Tip, Drag, Lose" as well. "Attitude" was better, though.
If you could fix this part:

you prompt me with your idiotic ramblings
To fight against the storm
The storm that brews inside your mind
Of how to get me to not succeed

it would be great. I think you went over on the metaphor part, because you lost me. Try to clear it up a bit, but keep the storm part. It fits in really well, since you're making the thing about a flight and all.
Maybe something like:

You say I'm in a storm full of
turbulence and mood swings
But what you say shows that it's all in your head
Cause you just don't want me to suceed

or something like that.

Other than that, you're pretty good at getting the emotion across in your poems. (And you do it without using that many spaces as well! Bang goes that theory)
-Note: stay away from love poems, you can't quite pull it off just yet.

Keep it up and good luck!
-The Witch

[Future Quest]

"Static Ocean"

I let the static ocean sweep over me
And I drift away.
I’m in the place between here and there
Between the beginning and the end
Stuck betwixt the pen and the page
In this dark age

I let the static ocean sweep over me!
I let its gentle waves carry me deep into the sea
Where I’m lost in its waves,
Among the depraved

I rise to the surface of the static ocean
I let the static ocean sweep over me
The morality has faded away
And I am lost in my own wake

The pain drags me down
To the sea’s very depths
I’m lost in this static ocean
Never moving, deprived of life itself!

Oh, I’m lost in the waves of an endless silence
Lost in the waves of an ocean of motionlessness
Oh, I’m lost in the wake
Lost in the wake
Lost in the wake of my own...
Static Ocean

[Blazing Elf]

Ooo nice poem! Never knew you wrote poetry/songs. Like your word choice and the theme of the poem..though what does betwixt mean??

~BE

This post has been edited by Blazing Elf: 05 February 2010 - 06:43 PM

[witch168]

I'm under the impression that "Static Ocean" is a metaphor for Writer's Block, because of the line 'betwixt the pen and page'
-that was good alliteration, by the way. And the way you used static ocean over and over really stressed the irony. I'm not sure if you meant to do that, because I can't see Writer's Block as ironic. Depressing, maybe,...
Static, to my mind, conjures up an image of stillness. When you say something like a 'still ocean'
Okay, never mind. Actually, that kind of works.
-Also, that exclamation mark....not quite, well, common in poems. It drew me up short.
Otherwise, great! i'm glad you're posting poems again.

Sincerely,
-The Witch

This post has been edited by witch168: 05 February 2010 - 10:30 PM