[Shado]

Hey guys. This is my first story, so if I could, can I have some feedback. Here goes:


Chapter 1:The Sunrise

Eragon and Saphira looked out over the golden sunrise, and turned around. There was carnage, both in sight, and in Eragon's mind. The city was burning, Oromis and Glaedr were dead. They had to take over their positions. They were now the masters.

While the two of them had been surveying the sunrise, the rest of the Varden had been looting all they could for money, to help pay for the war. Why, oh why did they have to die, Saphira?

I don't know little one, I just don't know

'Eragon, we must go now,' Arya had snuck up on him, and without him knowing, had been gazing into the sunrise as well. Eragon then disappeared of the battlements, by jumping on to the stairs, only a few metres lower down than himself.

Saphira leaped into the sky, and glided lazily on to the ground, outside Feinster. As soon as Eragon had gotten down from the battlements, he jogged slowly back to the Varden camp site, Arya next to him the entire way.

It had been 30 minutes since Eragon had told Nasuada about Oromis and Glaedr. 1hour since their death. Eragon felt dead inside, but he knew that if the Varden were to survive, then he must keep his head high, and help.

He hurried to the healing tents to help the Du Vangr Gata, because he knew that they weren't too powerful, so he had to help. He went into the tent, and saw a huge amount of people in the tent, and not just the Varden, but the warriors from Feinster. He guessed that they were going to join the Varden, so they could win the fight against the Empire. He hoped.

After about 2 hours spent in the healing tent, he came out exhausted in magic. He had spent most of the time healing, though some spent in idle gossip and drinking from a wine skin to replenish lost energy. He had to use Waise heil he didn't know how many times. He had done about 150 people in the 2 hours he had been in there. When he had a full stock of energy, he would have to go back there and help a lot more.

He called Saphira with his mind, and she came quick and silently to him, over the tents. Can you take me to Nasuada's tent when we have gone to our own

Of course little one, of course

He leaped into Saphira's saddle, she powered into the air. She then turned west to get the direction of their tent. After a moment surveying the land, she winged her way towards their tent.

After about 5 minutes, the arrived at their tent. There, Eragon took of Saphira's armour, took of his own, but kept his sword. He knew that if he had his sword, nothing would happen, but if he didn't have it, another fight would break out. He then clambered on to the saddle, instead of jumping up there.

Saphira, when he had clambered on, leaped into the sky, and flew quickly to Nasuada's pavilion. When they got there, he dismounted from her, and the Nighthawks, as usual, asked Nasuada, 'Eragon Shadeslayer and Saphira Brightscales to see you, Lady Nightstalker.'

'Let them pass,' she replied. When they had entered, she called them to her and asked,

'Eragon, why are you here?'

'Nasuada, I have come to ask a favour of you. If you could, do you think I would be able to go to see the Elves in Gil'ead. I know that they have won, but lost in their own way. Because I count myself an elf, can I go there, to say a final farewell to Oromis and Glaedr. That is all I ask.'

'I will have to give it some thought, but right now, an immediate answer would be no,' she held her hand up, because Eragon was about to talk, 'Because right now, we have no idea where Murtagh or Thorn are. If we knew that they were so well away from us, then I would give an immeditate yes. You understand my reasoning, yes?'

'Yes Nasuada, I, we understand you.'

With that, they walked out of the tent, and away, to see Roran.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, Roran had returned to Katrina. 'It gets so annoying that we have to continue fighting,' he said, 'I know that it's the only way to end the war, but it still gets annoying.'

'I know Roran, I know. I still think that Nasuada is getting things right though. I still think that,' she replied. He then, after a few hours took off his armour. He had spent the time that Eragon had spent in the healing tents, out in Farinster, bringing water to everyone who asked for it. It took a lot out of him, seeing as the city was still quite big, but not that big, compared to Uru'baen.

While he was taking off his armour, Eragon had come to see him. 'Eragon, wha brings you here on this grim day?'

'Unfortunately, bad news,' Eragon started.

'Bad news,' Roran said,' What bad news?'

'It's alright. It is only bad if you had known who had died, but you didn't. I talk about my old masters. Oromis and Glaedr. They were another rider and dragon together. Together, they fought Murtagh and Thorn, and Oromis died. Glaedr, his dragon, in body died, but he lives on. I can't tell you how though. It is a secret they died with, and know I know it. They actually died at the hands of Galbatorix, weaving a spell through Murtagh and Thorn.'

'That is grave news. But why didn't they come forward to fight when Galbatorix took to the throne?'

'King Orik asked the very same question, and I give you Oromis's answer. He said that he stayed away from the fight because there always needed someone to train the next rider. And he was also crippled, as was Glaedr,' Eragon finished.

When Eragon had left the tent, Katrina, came back to Roran's side, and said, 'I heard all he said. I feel sorry for him, Saphira and the elves as much as you do. He had known them as a pupil, a star pupil, but a pupil none the less.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When Eragon had finished with Roran and Katrina,he strided away from their tent, towards the kitchen tent. As he got there, he heard a fight starting. He opened the tent flap and walked in. The was a kitchen staff member holding a knife. He shouted 'No, you are not allowed to go into the stores because you think you need the food. Nasuada decides how much everyone gets. NOT YOURSELF!!!'

'Well I think Nasuada's wrong. Let me in there NOW!'

'What's going on here?' Eragon said, looking intently on the scene before him, 'What is going on?'

Before the normal man got a chance to say anything, the kitchen staff said 'He tried to get into our stores, set aside for all of the important members of the Varden. That includes yourself, Lady Nasuada, King Orrin and the Council members. Tha is what he was trying to do.'

'So that is why you have a kitchen knife in your hand, is it?'

[indent]

Eragon then used some of the very little magic left, and held them in the air, as he walked to Lady Nasuada's pavilion. When he had got there, he called to Nasuada, 'I have people to come and sort out an arguement with you, but I've got to go. when he had finished, he looked ove the horizon. The sunrise had well the truly finished. It was day now.
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How's that for a first chapter. Can I have posts telling me good or bad, where to improve, and how to. Thanks. Shado

This post has been edited by Shado: 30 November 2009 - 12:35 PM

[bPhoenix]

Well, let's start with spacing out the paragraphs. Right now you got it as one big clump, it's kinda hard to read. Also you should italicize Saphira's and Eragon's conversation and have them on separate lines.

The city they just got a hold of is called Feinster, not Farinster. If this took place immediately after the battle, how did Saphira get her armor on? As I recall, Saphira and Eragon arrived during the middle of the fight, and as she was traveling, I don't believe she'd be wearing armor.

Also, it's Bjartskular, not Bjartscales. However, since it's an Urgal speaking (that's what I'm assuming since he called Nasuada, Nightstalker) then I don't think he would be using the AL in Eragon's and Saphira's name. Firesword and Flametongue, or simply just Eragon Shadeslayer and Saphira Brightscales. That would be a more fitting way for an Urgal to address them.

That whole Roran part seemed as though Eragon just went there to report and left. It didn't feel as though he was visiting his family at all.

You should try describing their emotions as well, right now it seems kind of bland.

This post has been edited by bPhoenix: 09 October 2009 - 02:08 PM

[Thunder Gulch]

I agree with bPhoenix. I was going to say the whole "you need to do this or that" speech but bPhoenix did it for me. (by the way thank you)

I am a little bothered about this part

'Nasuada, I have come to ask a favour of you. If you could, do you think I would be able to go to see the Elves in Gil'ead. I know that they have won, but lost in their own way. BecauseI count myself an elf, can I go there, to say a final farewell to Oromis and Glaedr. That is all I ask.'

'I will have to give it some thought, but right now, an immediate answer would be no,' she held her hand up, because Eragon was about to talk, 'Because right now, we have no idea where Murtagh or Thorn are. If we knew that they were so well away from us, then I would give an immeditate yes. You understand my reasoning, yes?'

'Yes Nasuada, I, we understand you.'

Eragon is the last free dragon rider, I understand that he is Nasuada's vassal but in this part you made him seems like a common solider. Technically he is more powerful than her not just physically but also politically.

Other than that hope you get all the technical parts sorted and continue this interesting story.

-OTF

[Emeraldscales]

How much critique do you want? I don't want to give you too much, but I don't want to hold back either, so do you want me to be nice, brutal, moderate...etc?

[Shado]

Hey guys, second chapter up, here goes:

Ok, second Chapter, here goes.

Chapter 2:To the elves;or not

Saphira

Yes little one?

I really need to go flying, to get away from all the the noise and people

Ok little one, just one moment, I'm talking

Who are you talking to?

You don't need to know, so I won't tell you. But you'll probably find out later

Ok, I can wait

After a while, Eragon came out of the tent to see a group of people walking off. Were they the people you were talking

Maybe she said, in an almost guilty voice. When Eragon had climbed on, she turned he head to look him in the eye What's wrong Eragon, you seem quite distracted lately? It had been a few days since the Battle of Feinster, but Eragon had seemed distracted, almost angry since he had talked to Nasuada about leaving to the elves.

I'll tell you later, alright, now please fly

As the master commands she said, slightly giggling. When she had gone about 1km upwards, Eragon started talking,

Why doesn't she just say yes, I mean, you can fly faster than Thorn

Yes, I can, but the point is that if Murtagh and Thorn attack the Varden when we weren't there, it would be total annihilation. Nothing would mater if Nasuada and the other leaders were killed. You understand?

Yes, I understand he said, but if we were gone for about 5 days, the Empire won't have enough time to think about, plan, and launch an attack

That's a good idea, why don't you tell Nasuada that

You understand that idea, she gave an understanding nod, Good, because I have already told Nasuada that idea

When did you do that, and what, more importantly was the answer?

Eragon didn't look happy at all. The answer was the same as the first time she had told us. No because we still don't know where Thorn and Murtagh, but this time, she showed the significance of me staying alive. As if I didn't know he said. Eragon was now really annoyed. I asked 2 days ago

I understand your anger against Nasuada, but don't hod it in. When you have finished being angry, I have something to tell you It took Eragon a few minutes, but when he was finished, he asked,

I'm alright now. You can tell me. What have you got to say? Probably something about wisdom

No, it isn't. You know the people who came to talk to me just know. Yes? he gave his content They were more ambassadors from the elves, to see if you can come to the funeral. I'm already going, so all it is now is that they have to Nasuada turn her way of thinking so you can go

Ok, that is interesting. You said they wanted to meet me, or I'd meet them sooner or later, correct?

Yes, that's right. Quickly, before Eragon said anything else, she said again Eragon, what are you planning

Absent mindedly, Eragon said, Oh, just nothing. Then he saw the look on Saphira's face as she turned around to look at him, I'm just thinking, if they don't manage to persuade Nasuada, then you could always think it was an event to important to miss or me, and take me against my will. How about that?

I don't know, but you know Nasuada, she's always got some sort of plan forming in her head, doesn't she? We could be attacking somewhere else quickly, that is just you and me, don't you think?

Could be, but I just hope it isn't what I think it is.

You think you and me are going to attack Belatona, don't you?

Yes I do, but that's not the point, alright.

No, it's not alright. Nasuada isn't that stupid. We are strong together, yes, but I don't think we're strong enough to take on entire city, especially one the size of Belatona. Nasuada isn't stupid.

I was just thinking, I want to be down with the elves when they present their argument to Nasuada to persuade her to let me go to the elves. Can you take me down there now, please?

I'm going to take you down there, but then I'm going to go flying again. I do not want to be around for the squabble. You will have to make your way back to your tent by yourself.

She flew, circling, down to Nasuada's pavilion. Oh dear, Eragon thought, I forgot about the Nighthawks. Even so, Eragon saw that the elves were already in the tent.

'I have come to see Nasuada, so if you will please move out of the way.' While Eragon had been talking, he had started to hear raised voices.

'No, I will not let Eragon go. No, I have already been through this, HE CANNOT GO!' It was only Nasuada who was raising her voice. As per usual, the elves were keeping their voices down, just to show the difference.

'Lady Nasuada, is Eragon Shadeslayer allowed in?'

'Yes, he may.' Her voice seemed a lot tighter than usual. No surprises there, Eragon thought.

Eragon entered the pavilion. Standing to one side of tent were the elves, all very calm and peaceful, and standing up, in front of her chair, was Nasuada, red faced and angry. Eragon could see it. 'What is it Eragon?' she asked.

'I have come to see if you have made a decision about me going to the elves, and I have also come to greet this ambassadorial squad of elves. I see what your decision is, and I will listen to both your arguments and the elves. I would like to remain until you finish with these elves.'

'I see, well please, sit down.' She pulled out another chair from behind her desk, and Eragon sat down. 'Where is Saphira, Eragon?'

'She is still flying, because she doesn't want to come and listen to this squabble. I believe that is how she put it,' Eragon replied, 'In fact of that, I am sure of.' Then Eragon cut himself off, just looking and thinking.

'Ok, I have said no because of the reasons I have told you, and have told Eragon. I am holding back one reason. That reason, now that I know that I have almost no chance of persuading you is that I need him, because soon I will need a fast scout, who can see all of what is in front of us. That is my last reason. I already know your reasons, elves, but would you kindly state them again for Eragon's benefit.'

'Ok,' the elf's voice sounded almost lyrical, like most elves, except of course Arya, who had spent so much of her life with the Varden, that she had lost that ability. 'Our reasons are very simple. Reason 1: You know that he, that is you Eragon, knew Oromis and Glaedr quite well. They were your teachers. Reason 2: We knew that you would want to come to the funeral, to say your last teachers buried. The last reason is that you have Glaedr's eldunari, and we would like to see if he would open up to the queen, to see if he will talk.'

Quickly, before anyone else could speak, Eragon said 'I have to say, that is the best idea I have heard yet. I really want to go and see them as well. No matter what now, the queen will now want me with her. Yes, I know that I have to stay here, but I would like to go the funeral, and come back, without the queen knowing.'

'Very interesting,' Nasuada said, 'You, like me have kept one reason for when Eragon was here. And I wonder which is more important. I don't think that Glaedr will talk with your queen. I still want Eragon here.'

Eragon interjected before anyone said anything else. 'Nasuada, can't you let me go, and move up slowly to Belatona, or not at all? I know that the Varden will do whatever you say.'

'Now, with you saying that, the Council of Elders are becoming increasingly hard to control. It was also their idea for you to stay here. Because they knew that that would test your loyalty to me. That is why I want to keep you here. But if I say you can go, then the Council will be even harder to control, especially with you out of the way.'

Nasuada has one hell of a hard job doing this, Eragon thought.

'Eragon, you can go, but on one condition. You have to report to me every 3 hours on the hour. That includes during the night, except midnight. Is that alright?'she said, r asked, depending on how you look at it.

'It is fine by me. I thank you Nasuada. Without your consent, I could not have gone. Did you really plan for my to go on a mission?'

'Yes, I actually did, but I will stick with what you said, about not moving on until you return.'

Eragon left the tent with a look of utter joy upon his face. Finally, he could leave the Varden, even if was only for a matter of days. Saphira, he called out with his mind. When he felt her mind, he continued, I can go. I'm going to return back to our tent, then get ready, and leave as soon as possible. Is that alright with you?

Of course little one, of course, came the reply. The last thought Eragon had was he could finally go, before he hit the ground, asleep.

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Second chapter. Same again please. Bad or good comments. Thanks, Shado.

This post has been edited by Shado: 12 October 2009 - 12:54 PM

[bPhoenix]

A couple things about the story. How come the ambassadors knew of the eldunari? All things concerning the eldunari are considered top secret; only a select few would know of them. Arya didn't even know about them until Eragon had told her and Nasuada, so how then would a bunch of ambassadors know? Also, I thought Nasuada changed her mind far too easily.

That aside, the emotions still seem to be lacking. Try describing their facial reactions, or simply putting more voice into their speech. And be more descriptive. When they were flying, describe the surroundings or how the wind whips through his hair. When he enters the tent and saw everyone, describe how the elves looked. How many were there? Things like that.

[Thunder Gulch]

How did the ambassadors know of the Eldunarya. I thought it was a secrest between riders and Elvin royalty.

And I sorry to say this again, but you you are still trying to make Eragon look like a solider infront of Nasuada. I just don't get it. I not trying to bash you or anything , but you should do something about that.

Like Islanzadi making him the head rider so that he has to break up his position of vassal to Nasuada or something like that.

But interested to see your good start and will be looking for more updates.

-OTF

[Shado]

This is the next chapter, coming right up. Same again. Comments, good or bad.
This is an Arya PoV, so tell me if I need to add or take anything please.

Chapter 3:Time to go

Saphira, do you know where Eragon is? Because I can't find him anywhere. He seems to have disappeared. One moment he's there walking away. I turn away for a second. Then I turn back to tell him something, and he's disappeared from sight,Arya asked, as she found Saphira's mind with her own.

No, I'm sorry, but he was talking to me about being able to go to the elves for Oromis and Glaedr's funeral, then he broke contact. I'm searching for his conciousness. He just seems to have disappeared, Saphira paused, then came back quickly, He seems to have gone to the Council of Elders tent. Wait, no he hasn't gone there of his own accord, he was taken. The reason I can tell is because he's unconscious.

Oh damn. Meet me outside of the tent. I'm taking him back. Contact me if he's moved anywhere. Either way, Eragon is going to go to that funeral, whether they Council wants it or not, Arya replied, her face almost grave with annoyance.

Arya then broke of contact with Saphira, all except to see if Eragon was being moved. It seemed like the Council weren't afraid of him being found, but they didn't know about magic. How wrong they were, they were about to find out.

When Arya got to the Council's tent, she demanded straight away that they take her to Eragon's unconscious body, with a face like thunder. They knew straight away that they had been rumbled, and Jormundor said quickly, before any of the other Council members could respond 'I'll take you to him on one condition, you make him swear allegiance to us in the ancient language. Only on that condition. Ok?'

'Ok, I will,' Arya replied, with no intention of doing it. She had said ok in the human runic language, not in the Ancient Language, and she started to form a plan in her mind.

'Now now, you have to say that in the ancient language, or the deals off,' Jormundor said, almost like he knew what Arya was thinking, but he had forgotten one thing. If she fought, then she could fight one hell of a lot better than any human swordsman. Arya thought for less than a second, calculating how long it would take to cross the tent with her extraordinary speed.

'You try it, and you will go flying. Only myself and the spell caster under my command know what the wards are. You will never find out what they are. You can't hope to prevail against the might of the Council of Elders.' A smile was starting to form slowly on his face.

'Yes, yes, blah de blah de blah. You have forgotten one thing. How did I find out that Eragon was here. You forgot about dragons.' Just as she was speaking out loud to the Council she was saying to Saphira As soon as I have finished speaking, land and roar, that'll frighten the hell out of them. Saphira had heard the entire conversation. She had already searched Jormundor's head for the answer to his wards, and projected them into Arya's head. She could feel another concious in his head as well.

Saphira landed, and roared so loudly, that the tent started to shake, and everyone inside the tent had to put their hands over their ears. As soon as Saphira had started roaring, though, Arya, still with her hands over her ears, started casting a spell to stop the wards that had been put up. Straight away, she could feel the drain on her energy, but Saphira suddenly gave her a huge boost of energy, and the wards broke through.

'You won't be able to get to him. You have forgotten the wards,' Jormundor said, seeing that Arya had suddenly started running towards the back of the tent, the smile on his face turning to a frown.

'The only problem here is that I can still get through. I just stopped all of your wards, so bye bye. Oh, and shut up,' Arya replied. Once Arya had said that, she spoke a spell that made him easily able to faint, but not just that, and Jormundor's tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He was so surprised by the spell, he fell, unconscious on to the floor. By now, the rest of the Council had fled. Only Jormundor stayed there, because he was unconscious.

Saphira, Arya said, using her mind, Guard Eragon's body while I check around in the tent to see any of their plans. I won't be a few minutes. Then, she cut off the connection.

After a little while, she found a secret box, with spells of protection and vanishing. It was only by using a spell that could trace any magic in the room. Saphira, I need some more of your energy. I'm almost finished in here. Arya felt a sudden surge of energy. She cast a quick spell over the box, and it opened slightly. Arya couldn't see what was inside it, but she knew that it would be easier to take it with her, so she used magic, to make the box small, but the inside bigger. Perfect. She snuck it under her tunic, and walked out.

As soon as she had walked out, she saw that people hadn't heard anything from the inside of the tent. Arya then hurried round to the back of the tent. There was Eragon, in a dreamless, fake sleep.

Arya hurried forwards, and looked at him quickly. He seemed unhurt on the outside, but when she checked his mind, she could feel pain emanating from his thighs. She looked quickly down qt his thighs, and sure enough, there were cuts and bruises galore. She had only looked at his face, chest and back. She healed them with a quick Waise heil. when she had finished, she tried using Vakna, but it didn't work. Maybe it's just that he needs time to sleep now. He had seemed a little tight before. Maybe the sleep will do him good, Arya thought.

Arya then hurried, and was struggling so much to get him strapped on to Saphira, that she didn't notice that he had stirred and sad 'Arya, I feel sick.' it was only when he vomited, that she saw he was awake.

'Oh my,' she said, ' Can you stay very still while I get you on to Saphira. When she gets you to my tent, I'll help you.' She then used magic to make sure the straps were on tightly enough, and bade farewell to Saphira and Eragon, and hurried away.

Only when she was sure that Saphira had gotten Eragon back to her tent, that she left. She started jogging, but thinking the entire time. What was wrong with Eragon? Why had he been sick? Had it all been a one off, or was he seriously ill? These were all the thoughts going through her mind as she ran on. After about 10 minutes, she arrived at her tent, and hurried inside, where Eragon was lying on her bed. 'What's wrong with me Arya?' he asked, still seeming unsure of his speech. His face was green and it had sick around his mouth still. Poor boy, she thought.

When she looked at him again, he seemed to be getting worse and worse. 'Saphira, can you contact Blohgarm and my brethren, and get them here, and get them here right now. Tell them that Eragon needs them.' She seemed very tight and almost too close to loving.

They are coming as fast as they can, Saphira replied. After about 5 minutes, they were there, running up to the entrance of the tent, and calling to Arya, 'Why does Eragon need us?' When Arya had explained the situation, a few of them rushed inside to start to try healing Eragon.

The only problem was that they didn't know what they were trying to stop, or get out of his body, that it would take quite a long time to heal him. Arya had already tried most of the simple stuff, but the most it did would make Eragon start coughing. Why does this have to happen now, Arya thought. Just after she had thought the thought, Saphira appeared in her head. Are you alright Arya?

Oh, I just don't know how this could all happen, even under the eyes of Nasuada. The Black Hand are meant to have gone. So who else could it have been? As she finished the thought, she started sobbing. 'Why, oh why does this have to happen?' she said, through her sobs.

It's all to do with the Council of Elders, isn't it. Think about it. They were surprised when you knew, but then Jormundor had taken control of the scene and tried to make sure that everything was going to his plan. Think about it.

I know, I know. I was just being stupid. Arya was drying away her tears, when Saphira, thinking about things that she had done before, asked quietly,

Arya, what I it that you see in Eragon? Is it that you want his love, his heart? I mean not to be mean, but do you see part of Faolin in him?

How do you know about that? Arya asked, then quickly remembered what she had told Eragon before. No need to answer that, she then said quickly again, before Saphira replied.

'Blodgarm,' Arya called, 'Eragon, Saphira and myself shall be leaving soon. Can you ask our brethren to try everything they can do quickly, because I think it best that if I take him to our Queen and the army, they could help him. I would suggest that you all help. Use all of your reserves, seeing as your job was to protect Eragon,' Arya said thinking hard.

Arya then hurried off to Eragon's tent, and packed all of his elven tunics, his armour, his sleeping roll, and his blade, Brisingr, and put them all in the small pack Eragon had made. She had to make it bigger, so she used some magic quickly, and it grew bigger, until she stemmed her flow of magic, and cut off from her power. It was about one and half times the size of it before. She hurriedly put everything into it, slung it over one shoulder, and jogged off to the kitchens.

As she arrived there, she heard some people discussing what had happened in the Council of Elders tent. How could they have known? she wondered. She carried on past, and into the kitchen tent. She went up to the head chef, and asked for vegetables, such as carrots and the like.

When she had got all the food, she put it into Eragon's pack again, then hurried back to her own tent, where she could sort out her own things, and get ready to leave.

When she arrived at her tent, she hurried inside. Eragon was looking slightly better. She passed him quickly, and went straight to a chest in the back of the tent where she kept all her things. She spoke a few words in the Ancient Language, and then approached it, opened it and pulled out her elven tunics. She placed them carefully on top of Eragon's things, making sure his armour was between the clothing, to stop them getting mixed up clothing, and then did the same with her sleeping roll, except, she wrapped her sleeping roll around the box she had found in the Elders tent. She then put the food on top of everything else.

She then grabbed a small item and carefully put it in Eragon's things. She then went back to Eragon. He was starting to look better. She walked to the best healer of the group, and whispered in her ear, 'What is it the ails him, and have you found out how to make him better?'

'Yes, he had almost the same disease as you, but his was unique. Every hour, you have to use a spell that keeps his mind and body together. If the ailment finishes it's job, then Eragon won't die, but he won't be able to fight because he will be blank. His mind will have disappeared. That's how serious it is. Get him to the elves. Only they have the cure,' she replied.

Arya was about to hurry away, when the head healer called her back. 'The spell you need is this.' She then whispered about 10 words in her ear, but these words were more than words, they weren't even part of any language used. They were from the Old Language. The Old Language was the language that was used in Alagaesia before King Palancar had come. There were only a select few who could speak it, and all of them elves. But there was no one alive who had been in the time of King Palancar, except Rhunon.

By the time Arya had finished memorising the words, she had already gotten Eragon on to Saphira, strapped the pack to Saphira's saddle, and then mounted Saphira herself. Saphira then leaped into the sky, and into the air currents. Before they had gone a mile, Eragon woke, to find himself strapped into Saphira's saddle with Arya holding him tightly.

He smiled weakly, and said rather slowly, 'Arya, you don't have to hold on quite so tightly to me.' Arya, surprised that he had said something, let go too quickly. She had to grab on to him again almost as soon as she had let go, because there was a huge amount or air buffeting them. So much so that they had to keep their heads down, and had to hold on to each other.

After about 10 minutes, Arya entered Saphira's mind and said, Saphira, every hour, we need to go down to the ground, or Eragon will lose his mind forever, ok?

That is alright, but we have to hurry, seeing as an hour had already almost finished since the last time the spell had been preformed. Saphira landed in a small clearing, in the middle of a small wood. It was so small that Saphira could have burnt the place in a few minutes.

As soon as they had landed, Arya jumped off, and then carefully helped Eragon get off. She then told him to sit on a clear patch of ground and take off his shirt. He did so. Arya then walked round behind him, and placed her right hand over his back, and her left over his head, and spoke the words, Doth Goran Buyit Zoplanc Joplink Hutry Kanola Opdan Sarzta Monploce. as Arya said the words, she felt so much power, that her entire body began to shake.

Saphira entered her head and said in a strange kind of way, Those words were words of power f I've ever heard them. She then left Arya alone to get Eragon on to her, and to get Arya as well on to her. It took a few minutes, seeing as Eragon's body had suddenly become really heavy. It would have taken forever if Saphira had snaked her head round to them and grabbed Eragon with her jaws, and dropped him into the saddle.

Arya then used magic to secure him on to the saddle, and jumped on herself. After a few minutes of fiddling, Saphira left the clearing, frightening a few of the local birds around the area. After another hour they had to do the same thing. They only covered about three quarters of the usual distance then because of the stopping and starting. They had only got to about in line with Belatona by the time they had to land for the last time that day. It had been an overall uneventful journey, but what they didn't know was that someone was waiting for them to pass over him. It had only just started.

Arya found a secluded spot, and summoned the water to the surface. She then said the words Draumr kopa and more, so she could talk to the Queen of the elves. When she had finished telling her of what had happening and what was happening, she then did the same thing for Nasuada, and told her where they were, and what happened. Nasuada made Arya promise to contact her every day, during the night, unless it put Eragon in danger. Arya promised, and then cut of the magic. She then went and saw Eragon practising his swordplay. He would need more practice before he was up to his usual standard, be he was trying.

The day had taken a lot out of her. She welcomed the energy that she knew sleep would bring. It would help.

[indent]

Once again, for the few times she wanted to, he went into a proper sleep, to replenish energy quickly. She had been told that she didn't need to do it if Eragon was sleeping. She had told Eragon that if he woke, then he had to wake her as well. It was all over for now, and Arya fell into a deep dreamless sleep.
-----------------------------------
So how was that for an Arya PoV. Once again, criticisms or complements. I hope you liked it and it wasn't too long. Shado

This post has been edited by Shado: 29 October 2009 - 10:59 AM

[Dempton]

First of all,I doubt Eragon would say "One hell of a job",nor would Arya say "Damn".Fix those.Also,if Eragon was unconscious,how was he practicing his swordplay?And Arya's voice is musical as well,at least as far as I remember.Plus I also doubt that the elves and Nasuada would have an argument,because the elves are very important to dethroning Galbatorix.

Positive:The storyline is original and the kitchen incident was funny.And adding Rhunon as an important figure is also original.Nice capturing of emotions

Negative:Not as much description as I would like.The Arya POV was a bit rushed and also look at the top of the post.

Keep going fprward and you shall improve with time.Hope my critique wasn't too harsh.

Your Reader
Dempton

[Dragon eggs from the]

How will Eragon live if Arya is asleep? She needs to get to him every hour.
I agree with Dempton. You might want to change the poll as all those events have happened but The Counsel of Elders were the ones that knocked him out right?
DFT

This post has been edited by Dragon eggs from the: 28 October 2009 - 03:40 PM

[Shado]

Hey guys, Shado here. I've changed the polls now so now there are some more questions
Thanks for reading,

Shado

This post has been edited by Shado: 06 November 2009 - 12:37 PM

[Shado]

Next chapter here will be Saphira PoV. Hope you like it. Comments positive or negative please.

Chapter 4:The Journey Onwards

[/indent]Eragon had seemed very sick back at the Varden camp, but now he seems to be getting better, Saphira thought, looking at Eragon pacing around there camp in the edge of the Spine. I wonder why that is? she thought. The day before had been uneventful, and now all Eragon wanted to do was practice his swordplay. It was understandable.

Arya was in a small secluded spot, talking, seemingly to herself or the ground. Both Eragon and Saphira knew she was talking to either Queen Islanzadi or Nasuada. Eragon jogged over to his now larger pack, and took his sword from the outside of where it was strapped. He slowly attached the belt of Beloth the Wise and Brisingr's sheath to his waist, and drew Brisingr. His blade, though named after fire, was actually blue. The exact colouring of Saphira's scales.

he stayed a moment, just admiring the blade, but then his face turned fro imagination, to a hardened battle-worn face. He is changing more than I, or he knows, Saphira thought, all the time watching Eragon. It would be while before he would be up to his usual battle form from the illness, but he was trying, and that, in Saphira's mind, showed determination, one of the aspects of why she had chosen him. He would probably try and fight Arya if she wasn't talking to Islanzadi or Nasuada.

he took a few deep breaths, and stepped forward, lunging, as if an imaginary foe was standing arms distance away. He drew back his arm, and swirled it back around his head, and back to the front, where, he started parrying, lunging, slicing and going over his usual techniques. After a little while Arya came to watch him practice his swordplay.

Saphira caught Arya's eye, and she entered her mind and said, I feel sorry for him because he can't fight that well now, and it would be hard to practice with his illness. At least he shows he has determination. He could distract the enemy, while we grab it from behind and kill it.

Yes, that is always true, though I think right now, even though he's not at his best, he could still defeat normal humans in combat. I still think he's a superb swordsmen and dragon rider, and of course, you're a brilliant dragon.

I thank you Arya, that is very kind of you.

a few minutes later, Arya said, 'Eragon, I would like to go to sleep, but I can't if you stay up and practice, but remember that if you wake up and can't back to sleep, you have to wake me up for the ritual. By the ritual, I mean the healing process. Ok?'

'Ok Arya, I will try, but if I wake up, will it matter what I do, so long as your awake?' Eragon replied, asking a question at the same time.

'Yes, so long as I'm awake, you can do whatever you like, except disappear off. It has to be done in this clearing,' Arya replied, pulling out her and Eragon's sleeping rolls. She threw Eragon's over to him, and then clambered into her own. They can argue for along time, those pointed-ears can Saphira thought.

Saphira then curled up into a ball, and slowly went to sleep. It was long coming, and full of dreams of herself waking up to Eragon walking around the camp with no eyes, not stop blabbering. The dreams were scary, and they all seemed very real.

when she finally woke up, there was Eragon, up and about, once again, he seemed to be getting better and better each day. He was practising swordplay again. This time he had a fast rhythm, going lunge, slice, parry, step back, step forward, lunge, slice, parry and so on and so on. Every now and again, he added an extra move so the rhythm changed each time. A twirl around his head here, a head splitter there and so on.

After about 10 minutes, Arya walked back into the clearing. Saphira hadn't been watching Arya, just Eragon, and that was probably the reason why she had seen Arya leave. Arya had probably only been away for about 10 or 15 minutes. 'Eragon,' she called softly, 'I need you to come here for a moment. Please.'

'Won't be a moment,' he replied, slowly stopping, and sheathing his blade. He then hurried over to her. 'What is it you want?' Eragon asked.

'I-i-i I wish you be well.' Eragon knew that that was not what she had meant to say, because it wasn't in the Ancient Language.

'What is it that you really wanted to tell me, or for me to do? And why didn't you answer me truthfully the first time I asked you?' Eragon asked, with an almost commanding, almost understanding tone. 'Why Arya?'

She couldn't answer, but Eragon seemed to understand what she meant, because he then kept his time within reach of her. Eragon, do you know what she meant, and that she has already said no. Why, now would she say yes to you?

Because that was when I needed to concentrate on my training. Right now, we both need comforting, seeing as what has happened. She knew him quite well, better than me, but I still knew him. We all need comforting. That's why I do this, Eragon replied.

That is such wisdom Eragon, that I can't think of what to reply, Saphira replied. As soon as she had finished, Eragon, knelt down on the floor, and pulled off Aren.

'Arya, I now know what I have to do. I need you here now. I know how to help me. You had forgotten Aren, my ring.' Even when he was saying my ring, he was thinking of Brom, and the cave, and his last moments of life and the tomb, the diamond tomb. Then started to cry, for reasons that didn't seem apparent at first.

Arya hurried to his side, to comfort him. 'Eragon, I know your feeling sad, but can't you me about Aren, and what you you wanted to tell me,' she said.

'Oh, yeah, one moment,' he replied. He stopped himself crying, then carried on, 'Think about it. Aren has got a huge amount of energy in it. If there was any way to stop me losing my mind using magic, then there is such an amount of energy in it, that if you needed to do it, then there is more than enough energy to do it.'

'Good point. I didn't think about that, but I don't know the words I should use to heal you. If only I did,' she replied, concentrating in her mind to think of a spell to heal him.

Arya, why don't you contact the elves, or the elven healer with the Varden. It's smart thing to do, Saphira thought.

I'll do that. Thank you Saphira, you have a good mind, Arya replied.

Saphira then excited from Arya's mind and kept looking on the small scene. Arya then hurried to spot where she had gone the night before to contact Nasuada and Islanzadi.

***********

Arya hurried over to the spot she had used the night before, and used the same spell to get to Nasuada, so she could ask the elven healer.

'Yes Arya, what do you want?' Nasuada asked.

'Is it possible for you to get the elven healer, the best healer the elves have? Her name is Lorielle. Can you get her please, and say that I need to talk to her about the illness, and what happened before we set off. Please, hurry Nasuada,' Arya asked, speaking quickly, to make sure her point got through. Her face seemed to be anxious.

Arya watched Nasuada hurry off. About 5 minutes later, in came Nasuada and Lorielle. 'Yes Arya, what is it that you want to talk about, about the illness?' Lorraine asked.

'Lady Nasuada, can you please leave us, only because what we are about to talk about may be too much for you to hear, and also because we don't want anyone else knowing about what we are about to talk about. So for all of our goods, can you please leave?' Arya asked.

Nasuada, looking a bit disgruntled, left, but was waiting a bit further out of the tent; to wait for them to be finished. 'Lorielle, can you please tell me if there is any way to save Eragon from the illness by using the Ancient Language? Only because Eragon has got Aren on him, and the amount of energy in it is quite formidable, and I'm pretty sure that if there is a spell in the Ancient Language that can heal him, that Aren will be able to help.'

'Yes there is a spell, but I hadn't thought about using it, because it uses a huge amount of energy. The spell is the incantation Waise heill getr liskense, meaning 'Be healed of all your sicknesses.'

'Thank you Lorielle, for your help is this matter. Tell Nasuada that she can come back in now, but I have to go and report to the Queen about this matter. As you were, Lorielle.'

As soon as Arya had finished talking to Lorraine, Arya hurried back over to Eragon, and told Eragon,' Eragon, I know how to help you using the Ancient Language, but I will have to use quite a lot of Aren's energy, but I would rather you be totally healed, and Aren's energy depleted, than Aren have a huge amount of energy, and you still be very ill. I need you to lie down, just where you are, and take off your shirt. I know how to help you.'

Eragon did as Arya said, then said quickly, 'Do you think this will hurt or not?' he asked, feeling slightly like a child even as he asked it.

'I don't know, it could or couldn't. It's a fifty-fifty chance Eragon, and as I said, it's either it hurts or it doesn't. I just don't know,' she replied.

***********

as Eragon lay down, a small glint appeared near his head, where he was about to put it. Quick as a flash, Saphira saw it and said Eragon STOP! he had stopped, just as the glint seemed to go upwards. MOVE!

Eragon moved without a seconds thought, just as a knife sliced into the space his head had been in less than a second ago. Arya, quick as an elf, sprinted forwards, and just before the knife was about to disappear underground, grabbed it, and pulled it upwards. It didn't budge, so she said a few words of magic, and the area on which Eragon had been lying on rose steadily, then cracked open.

Inside of it were a few men, who looked like slavers. Eragon, almost as quick as he usually was, drew Brisingr, and leaped towards the men. One by one, the men all drew their blades. The first 2 weren't quick enough, and Eragon cut through them, but the rest of them had got time to draw their blades, and slowly advanced on Eragon. The man at the back was holding a small knife.

Arya, at the same time Eragon had drawn his blade, leaped to the back of the group, and drew her sword. She quickly cut through 3 men before the rest of them realised that they were getting attack from both the back and the front. Eragon came forwards, and cut through another 2 men. He then quickly yelled 'brisingr,' and his sword caught alight. He then yelled, 'Run, or face the wrath of me Eragon Shadeslayer and Saphira Brightscales!!'

About 5 men fled, but the rest of them stayed. By the time the people had fled, there was only 5 men left. They all ran at Eragon, but they weren't quick enough. He lunged forwards, and decapitated one man, and spun round, and sliced another man.

Arya brought her arms together, and smashed down on one man, and then leaped forwards, to Eragon's side, and smashed another one on the helm. The force of he smash broke the helm, and split the man's head in half. She then brought her blade round to cut the last man, but Eragon was already there, stabbing the man straight through the centre of his body. He crumpled on to the floor.

Saphira had stood watching the entire thing, just thinking, If it gets out of hand I will join in, but if it doesn't, I'll leave them to it. Just as she said it, some more men poured out of the forest. She spun around, breathed liquid fire into her mouth, then it ignited with the air, and she breathed it out of her mouth straight at men. The men at the front were burnt to a cinder, while the very last 2 men ran as fast as they could in the other direction. She leaped in front of them, and whipped her tail around.

it hit them both. They both went flying, at hit different trees. One slumped down with a broken skull, the other tried getting up, but then fainted. She went straight up to him and bit his head off. She looked around. They were all surrounded. There was about a battalion of men surrounding them.

She watched Arya and Eragon creep closer together. She also watched Eragon whisper something into into Arya's ear. Then suddenly, coming from both Eragon and Arya, not words, but energy. Such an amount of energy, that if it was unleashed... Eragon spoke so quietly, that Saphira almost didn't hear him. 'Deyja.' None of the men heard what Eragon had said, but all of a sudden they just fell to the ground, unmarked, in death.

All of the men had got armour on, but they weren't part of King Galbatorix's army. Eragon went up to one of the men, and looked at him. They all seemed familiar to Eragon, but he couldn't place their faces. They all also seemed smaller than him. Then he thought of it. Saphira, these people look like dwarves. They've got to be. They're too small to be humans.

You're right, they are dwarves. But the men from the building underground are just that, human me, look. Eragon looked. Saphira was right. They were just men. He went right up to them and searched them. They were all under one command. Just they didn't know who's command they were under.

As soon as the dwarves had died, Arya hurried over to the edge of the clearing and looked around, to see if anyone else was coming to kill them. 'Arya,' Eragon yelled to her, 'Do you think you could do the spell now please? I still wasn't as fast as I usually am.'

'Sure thing,' Arya replied, as she hurried over to Eragon. 'Remember what I told you before. Take of your shirt and lie on the ground.' He did as she said, and then, with second thoughts, took off Aren as well. 'You're going to need Aren if you want to do the spell.'

'Arya took a bit of time remembering the spell, but when she remembered, she spoke slowly and clearly, Waise heill getr liskense. as soon as she said the words, she could feel the drain of her energy. She accessed Aren, but the drain was huge. As suddenly as the drain started, it stopped. Aren had been depleted quite a lot, but you could still easily feel the energy in it. It still contained quite a lot.

'Eragon, are you alright?' Arya asked.

'Yeah, I'm alright, in fact, I'm better than alright. I feel normal again. I think it should be time to leave this spot. Saphira, can you still fly?'

[indent]

Of course little one, I can still fly.

'Perfect, Arya get everything into my pack except some food to eat for breakfast. Saphira, get ready to fly.'

[indent]

Five minutes after Eragon had told them to get ready to fly, they were off, flying again. They covered more leagues that day than they had the day before because they didn't have to keep stopping to heal Eragon. 'We should reach the elves in Gil'ead in about 4 days,' Eragon said after they had stopped for the night. They had made camp next to Leona Lake and the Spine. After about 10 minutes after eating a small meal, they all together went to sleep.
---------------------
This chapter is the same length as the last chapter, so if the last chapter's too long, then this will be too. Please give feedback. Thanks again.
Shado

This post has been edited by Shado: 10 November 2009 - 01:33 PM

[Shado]

Hey guys, you know that I'm never going to give you the next chapter untill I get some coments for the last chapter.

[Shado]

Can any one tell me why no one is reading my story? Why can't anyone comment on it?

If not, I might as well leave the story as it is, unfinished.

Shado

[HBomb]

It's against the rules to complain about comments, and it's quite annoying.

People read your story, most of them are probably guests. Remember that there are way more guests than actual members and guests can't comment. You tend to get more comments after you write for a bit longer and have a few more chapters up. If you are only writing for attention then why do it anyway? You should be writing because you want to, not because you want comments from people.

-HBomb