[coolguy]

Hi,

After reading many fan - fics, I decided to have a go on my own.

Please comment & critique.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Freohr abr Freohr

Chapter 1 Feinster and Gil’ead


Eragon sat on a small up jutting piece or rock on the sea shore sharing his mind and his grief with Saphira. It had been three days. Three days since the Varden had taken Feinster, three days since Arya had become a Shadeslayer. Three days since he had lost Oromis and Glaedr. “Little one, we are needed at Nasuada’s tent”, Saphira said. “Tell her I am coming”. Saphira quickly relayed the message.
Due to his grief, he had closed his mind to everyone except Saphira as closing his mind to Saphira was impossible.
Eragon took off with Saphira and within a short time, they had reached Nasuada’s red tent. The six guards outside Nasuada’s tent blocked Eragon from entering. One of them went inside. When he came out, Eragon was let in. Nasuada was wearing a white dress and seemed to be looking at a mirror in her pavilion. “Lady Nasuada” Eragon said. She started on hearing his voice. Eragon saw Queen Islanzadi’s face in the mirror. As he moved in front of the mirror, Queen Islanzadi spoke to him. Her eyes looked as if she were crying “Oromis and Glaedr died while fighting Murtagh and Thorn over Gil’ead. Their funeral is there in three days. The elves wish you to attend it. We do not know what happened to them as yet.” Saying this she severed the magic. Eragon noted the grimace on Nasuada’s face, “But, if you go, the Varden will be far too vulnerable. Murtagh & Thorn can attack any moment and we need you to protect the Varden. I don’t feel you should go.” Nasuada protested “That’s what we were arguing” Nasuada added looking at the mirror. “Nasuada, Murtagh and Thorn won’t attack. Master Glaedr had his tail cut off too short and I doubt he can even fly now. He will, eventually, but right now, I doubt it.” Eragon said. “And what if Galbatorix, with his dark magic, regrew his tail?” Nasuada asked. To this Saphira answered “Even if he does do that, Thorn will atleast need to wait for three weeks for his tail to grow”. Nasuada reluctantly agreed as Saphira said this. “So, when can we leave?” Eragon asked. “You may leave today or tomorrow” Nasuada answered.
From there, Eragon headed straight to the cook’s pavilion. He restored the energy as he had done before, in the Belt of Beloth the Wise. “I really feel sad for the deaths of Master Oromis and Glaedr.” Eragon said. “Yes. I too feel a lot of grief. We even have to take Arya to the funeral. Right?” “Yes. We will have to take her along. I hope you can carry her” Eragon said with a smirk on his face. Saphira growled and showed Eragon her long rows of white teeth. Eragon shrank.
They arrived at Arya’s tent and announced their arrival with Saphira roaring out loud. “Yes, Eragon?” Arya came out inquisitively. “We have to visit Oromis and Glaedr’s funeral.” Eragon said “I know. Mother just scried me and informed me about it. When do we leave?” She asked quickly. “Tomorrow morning.” As Eragon replied, his ears turned red at the thought of having to travel to Gil’ead with Arya. Eragon went back to his tent after visiting Roran and Katrina. He seemed concerned when Roran told him about Elain’s problems with her pregnancy. By the time he reached his tent it was night. He quickly snuggled into his bed and drifted off into his waking dreams.
The next day dawned bright with the sight of Eragon saddling Saphira, packing her saddlebags. He slid Aren onto his finger, buckled Brisingr, took Glaedr’s Eldunari and waited for Arya to come. She arrived soon. She was wearing golden coloured clothes looking a lot like Eragon’s. She had her slender sword on her hip. Both of them got into Saphira’s saddle and with a huge flap of her massive wings, they were off.
They flew high and fast to Gil’ead. They only stopped twice, to eat and replenish their waterskins. By nightfall they had already spotted Gil’ead on the horizon but they couldn’t travel any more as they were very tired from their long journey. They made camp by a small stream, Saphira ate 3 rabbits, while Eragon and Arya entirely depended on the provisions they bought earlier.
“Little one,” Saphira asked “Do you know anything about funerals of Elves or dragons?” “As Elves do not believe in afterlife, their funeral is a simple one. All they do is honour the Elves past, and burn his or her body. However, I do not know anything about funerals of dragons. Don’t you?” Eragon asked in return “No. Master did not tell me anything. Ask Arya. She would know.” Eragon, in response, rapped twice on the barriers of Arya’s mind and she let him in. “Arya, Do you know anything about dragons’ funerals?” “Yes. The dragon is first honoured. Then the dragon is burnt along with its’ Rider and the ashes of the dragon are taken to Du Fells Nangoroth. That is all I know. There may be more, but I do not know about it.” “Well.. Maybe we will have to ask the Queen about it. Good night, Little one.” Saphira said. “Good night” were Eragon’s last words before he went to sleep.
At dawn, Eragon was awoken by Saphira as they had decided to reach the Elven camp before sunrise. Eragon woke Arya up with many violent jerks much to her displeasure.
---
At the Elven camp the Elves were very quiet doing their chores, when suddenly, a loud roar of the mighty Dragoness, the queen of the skies, disturbed their silence.
---
Saphira landed heavily as the Elves came rushing to meet the trio. Queen Islanzadi was also with them.
“Greetings Eragon Shadeslayer and Arya.” Queen Islanzadi said. They exchanged the traditional greetings, and then the queen once again began to speak, “We all know of the mournful deaths of Oromis and Glaedr. But we do not know how this happened as both Murtagh and Thorn had taken them out of our eyesight.” Eragon suddenly interrupted her speech. “I know of what happened.” At this the queen looked at him with her slanted eyebrows raised “As Master Oromis was about to win against Murtagh, Galbatorix took control of their bodies and raised them very high. There, Galbatorix defeated Master in swordfight and knocked the sword out of his hand. Wards against Masters’ spasms were present in the jewel in the pommel of the sword. Without them, unfortunately at that moment, Master had one of his spasms and that was all that took Galbatorix to cleave him from shoulder to hip. Master lost a lot of blood and passed into the void. Ebrithil Glaedr tried to attack Thorn, but Thorn bit him at the base of his neck. Thus ended our masters.” “Eragon” “the queen asked “how do you know of this?” Eragon just said “When we left from Ellesmera, Master Oromis revealed us a great secret.
Revelation dawned upon the Queen as she realized what Eragon was talking about. “Well then, Shadeslayers, you may rest. At midday we shall have another ceremony. Before the funeral. You shall see.”
“Saphira, do you remember these barracks?” Eragon asked Saphira. “Ah, yes. Look there is the jail. Hey, they fixed the roof of that rotten building! They should have left it as it was as an antique”. Saphira said grinning wide. Both, Eragon and Saphira went laughing to their tents.

------------------------------------------
As Chapter 1 was too short, I combined chapter 1 & 2.
C & C

This post has been edited by coolguy: 25 October 2009 - 06:50 AM

[Viva America]

Hi,

After reading many fan - fics, I decided to have a go on my own.

Please comment & critique.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1 Feinster and Gil’ead

Eragon sat on a small up jutting piece or rock on the sea shore sharing his mind and his grief with Saphira. It had been three days. Three days since the Varden had taken Feinster, three days since Arya had become a Shadeslayer. Three days since he had lost Oromis and Glaedr.

“Little one, we are needed at Nasuada’s tent”, Saphira said. “Tell her I am coming”. Saphira quickly relayed the message.

Due to his grief, he had closed his mind to everyone except Saphira as closing his mind to Saphira was impossible.

Eragon took off with Saphira and within a short time, they had reached Nasuada’s red tent. The six guards outside Nasuada’s tent blocked Eragon from entering. One of them went inside. When he came out, Eragon was let in. Nasuada was wearing a white dress and seemed to be looking at a mirror in her pavilion. “Lady Nasuada” Eragon said. She started on hearing his voice. Eragon saw Queen Islanzadi’s face in the mirror

“Oromis and Glaedr’s funeral is there in three days. The elves wish you to attend it” Eragon saw the grimace on Nasuada’s face, “But, if you go the Varden will be far too vulnerable. Murtagh & Thorn can attack any moment and we need you to protect the Varden. I don’t feel you should go.”

“Nasuada, Murtagh and Thorn won’t attack. Master Glaedr had his tail cut off too short and I doubt he can even fly now. He will, eventually, but right now, I doubt it.”

“And what if Galbatorix, with his dark magic, regrow his tail?” Nasuada asked.

To this Saphira answered “Even if he does do that, Thorn will atleast need to wait for three weeks for his tail to grow”. Nasuada reluctantly agreed as Saphira said this.

“So, when can we leave?” Eragon asked.

“You may leave today or tomorrow” Nasuada answered.

From there, Eragon headed straight to the cook’s pavilion. He restored the energy as he had done before, in the Belt of Beloth the Wise. “I really feel sad for the deaths of Master Oromis and Glaedr.” Eragon said. “Yes. I too feel a lot of grief. We even have to take Arya to the funeral. Right?”“Yes. We will have to take her along. I hope you can carry her” Eragon said with a smirk on his face. Saphira growled and showed Eragon her long rows of white teeth. Eragon shrank. They arrived at Arya’s tent and announced their arrival with Saphira roaring out loud.

“Yes, Eragon?” Arya came out inquisitively.

“We have to visit Oromis and Glaedr’s funeral.”

“Yes, I know. Mother just contacted me. When are we leaving?” She asked.

It often is a better pleasure to read, when you don't repeat the same things too quickly. But you can also change the way of saying 'yes'. For instance:

Arya nodded.“I know. I had been scried by my mother just a few moments ago. She told me that they were going to bury the wise one and the great one. Since you are all packed up, when are we leaving?” She asked.

“Tomorrow morning.” Eragon’s ears turned red at the thought of having to travel to Gil’ead with Arya. Eragon went back to his tent after visiting Roran and Katrina. He seemed concerned when Roran told him about Elain’s problems with her pregnancy. By the time he reached his tent it was night. He quickly snuggled into his bed and drifted off into his waking dreams.

The next day dawned bright with the sight of Eragon saddling Saphira, packing her saddlebags. He slid Aren onto his finger, buckled Brisingr, took Glaedr’s Eldunari and waited for Arya to come.

She arrived soon. She was wearing golden coloured clothed looking a lot like Eragon’s. She had her slender sword on her hip. Both of them got into Saphira’s saddle and with a huge flap of her massive wings, they were off.

I paragraphed it, but maybe it's just an error from Word-Internet.

Now, my comments.

It's short, and it seems a bit hasty sometimes.

Just think your plot out, and add more description, especially around the dialogue. You can also elaborate the dialogue more, and not just put 'yes', but something like that the character is thinking, and tries to counter the said statement, and then finally complies with the asked question.

Eager to see the next chapter, I hope this small critique helped you.

[coolguy]

Thank you Jesper.

I will do as you say. this small critique really will help

Coolguy

This post has been edited by coolguy: 13 October 2009 - 05:56 AM

[The Critic]

There are a few picky things: Double space your paragraphs, make a new paragraph when someone else starts speaking, check your punctuation, and you started with the [whatever number of days since Feinster]-not really a problem, I did too, but I didn't realize how many people have done the same. You do need a bit more description. You're doing pretty well, though, considering everything.

But the main thing that you and every other writer needs, as Jesper said, is to have your story in your head before you put it down on the internet. Have your ideas set in a timeline as well. It really helps to avoid confusion. You may already be doing this, or at least some part of this. Either way, it helps.

Other than that, this could be interesting. And as for a title, think down your timeline and you might come up with an idea, something that subtly alludes to the things down the road in your book.

Critics 1 and 2

This post has been edited by The Critic: 08 November 2009 - 01:51 AM

[warlordpaddy]

Not a bad chapter but there are problems in it, when they talk have it on seperate lines and when saphira is talking, have it in italics as she speaks with mind and do italics with at the times anyone is mind communicating and paragraph more in the length.

WaP

This post has been edited by warlordpaddy: 13 October 2009 - 01:32 PM

[coolguy]

Hey, I actually did put mind talkings in italics but it seems to not have appeared here. I'll change it.

[saphiraisscary]

This was an alright start considering your age and I'm guessing that English is not your first language. It was good but as other people have said you need to paragraph your work as it is quite hard to read. Anyway that's just me being picky. Your writing is good for a first time so keep it up. If you did the writing in Microsoft word then it probably won't have carried the italics through.

saphiraisscary

[coolguy]

Yes. You guessed right. English isn't my first language.
This is my first story in my life that I have written, and so I didn't expect me to become a superstar.
I noticed it too. Any italics I wrote in Word, were not visible in here.

Thank you very much for reading my fan-fic

Coolguy

[coolguy]

Chapter 2 is up. You'll like it. [sp](I hope)[/sp]
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Chapter 2 A Rider anew

“You are summoned to the throne room at once” Tyrnek said with a sneer on his face. “The king is really angry with you!” He added. “Yes. I know. I’ll go there at once.” It had been 5 days that Murtagh had returned from Gil’ead, but surprisingly, Galbatorix had not even summoned him once. Murtagh told Thorn “I had sensed this coming Thorn. I’d have preferred the king summoning me the day I had come, but he didn’t. Now his wrath will have increased a lot during the time he didn’t torture me, and it will come out today, in its’ full magnitude.”
“Normal humans’ anger cools down due to waiting. But this king is not a human, he is a devil. Well, we will have to go. We don’t have any choice.”
“Ah. Yes. But this time the king will get a surprise!”
“Murtagh!! What are you thinking of doing??”
“Oh. Nothing much. But I shall tell you one thing. Due to this, we will not be hurt to that extent. Try saying my true name” Murtagh replied. To this, Thorn, with great caution, shielding his mind, said “Shurtugal abr freohr” (Rider of death) and flinched while saying so. To his enormous surprise, he did not feel the usual pain coming from his partner-of-heart-and-soul. It came, but it wasn’t the usual amount of agony. Surprised, Thorn asked “Murtagh, how did this happen??”
“You remember the rider and dragon we had to kill over Gil’ead?”
“Yes. I do. And that was all because of Galbatorix. I didn’t want to kill him. He looked very old and must have been very powerful in his youth. He could even have been one of the elders. He must have been teaching Eragon and Saphira.” Mixed emotions suddenly came through the link between Murtagh and Thorn and overwhelmed Murtagh’s mind. Murtagh suddenly got confused. He at once began to think of Nasuada. He couldn’t think why, but all his thoughts were focused on Nasuada. From Thorn, came only one thought, Blue. Murtagh was totally bewildered. He did get a few explanations, but due to the continuous stream of emotions coming from Thorn, he could hardly think. Finally, he blocked his mind and smoothed Thorn’s snout. After this, Thorn cooled down.
“Now, Thorn, may I continue?” Murtagh asked
“Yes.” Thorn replied breathing heavily.
“Alright. Now, if you have searched my memories thoroughly enough, you may have seen the part where I and Eragon” Murtagh saddened while saying the name. “were caught surrounded by some slavers. Eragon was against me killing the leader, Torkenbrand, but I did not listen to him and separated his head and body. Later, due to the oaths Galbatorix made me swear, I had to kill the Dwarf king, Hrothgar. But because Galbatorix did not know the existence of the rider and dragon, he could not force me to kill him. Though we did kill them, the mind was Galbatorix’s. So when we hesitated in killing, our true names must have changed”
“So this means that my true name too must have changed?”
“Let me try. Skulblaka abr freohr (Dragon of death).” Nothing happened.
“Murtagh, I had no feeling. That means your name has changed partially, while mine has changed completely. But then, though the reason of the change of our names is the same, why has this happened?” Thorn questioned Murtagh, but before he could say a word, Thorn said “Maybe… because you killed Torkenbrand and you do not regret his death. Do you?”
“No. I still feel that he was a threat and so I killed him.” Suddenly he felt remorse replace the thoughts of Torkenbrand. Thorn was erasing his emotions of Torkenbrand’s and replacing them with regret. Then he said, “Shurtugal abr freohr.” Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No pain. No feeling of yourself being controlled by someone else. Murtagh was delighted. “Thank you Thorn. Thank you so much.”
“Huh. Will you a dragon one of it cannot do such a small thing for its riders? Disgusting.”
“Oh! Come on Thorn. We are finally free. Aren’t you happy? But Galbatorix still has your Eldunari. Fine. Come on. We’ll get it. Ready Thorn?”
“Ready.” Thorn said with a fierce gleam in his eyes.
“Watch out Galbatorix, here we come.” Murtagh shouted to Thorn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From there, Murtagh sent Thorn to Galbatorix’s Eldunari chambers, and he went to the throne room. He approached Galbatorix stealthily as he used to do every time Galbatorix demanded an audience with Murtagh. Murtagh bowed.
“Welcome rider Murtagh.” The evil king said with much distaste. He wore robes that were completely black, matching the colour of Shruikan’s scales. Though he called himself a king, he wore not many ornaments. All he wore was a bracelet, made of polished brass and painted black. The only thing that was not black that he wore on his body was a shining purple sword on his waist. He just kept it there and used another black blade, for battle, but mostly he used it for beheading servants, soldiers of the Varden, and disobediers. “You were incapable of killing Oromis and Glaedr. I, had to assist you in that. What you have done has angered me greatly, Shurtugal abr freohr.” Murtagh acted as if uttering his true name had taken the usual effect it had on him. He howled in misery and began to plead. “Well, you have to suffer the consequences.” Galbatorix said pleased with the pain he could see Murtagh was in.
“Yes master.”
“It shall be more terrifying than usual eh, Murtagh?” He said with a wide grin on his face. It was a grin of the madness in him. “Let’s see… TIRKEN.” He shouted. A man with a burly body came stumbling through the door. He was clean shaven but he was a servant of Galbatorix who served him very willingly. He had smooth hands, and pouting lips. He was sent on a mission to make people join the Empire in the north near the spine. He had only just returned. Otherwise he was the person who used to torture the captives. “Come here.” The king shouted, from the throne. It took the man five minutes to reach Galbatorix due to the size of the throne room, and his burly weight. The king whispered to him in the ear something Murtagh could not catch, but he knew that it was a new and more painful way of torturing him. Tirken listened carefully, nodded, came to Murtagh, snatched his arm, and let him to the dungeons. Murtagh went quietly, without protest, as he knew that Tirken was about to see a surprise in the form of Murtagh the great rider of Thorn bloodscales. Tirken took Murtagh to a cell, tied him to the iron chains on the wall and began to speak “So, what did you do this time. Huh?” He said with a huge smirk on his fat face. “It must be something big, because, the punishment the king has declared, is that cuts to be made on your back with Zar’roc and then pour seithr oil along with a lot of salt in it. Hope it pains.” He took Zar’roc out of it’s sheath, took a bucket of seithr oil, and poured salt in it. As he was stirring it, suddenly his fists clenched, neck muscles bulged, and his entire body became rigid. Then his arms flailed, and he body loosened. Then Murtagh whispered “Deyja” and Tirken collapsed to the floor, dead. Then he muttered “Jierda” and the iron chains broke into pieces. He stood there, and called to Thorn to meet him half a league outside the gate of the city, away from the castle and dashed to the place decided. He crossed the walls with magic, all he needed to do was raise himself above the ground, and lower himself on the other side of the wall. He ran to the spot decided, and sat on a rock, waiting for Thorn to come.
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When Murtagh left Thorn, he at first, went to the kitchen. The cook, a fat haughty man, gave all the food required for himself and Murtagh. Though he served Galbatorix, he too was a name slave. Ten years back, Galbatorix heard of a cook living in Teirm, who was considered as the greatest cook of Alagaesia. Galbatorix sent for this cook immediately and after tasting his food, called the former cook, beheaded him, store his remaining energy in the pommel of his sword, and tossed his remnants to Shruikan to eat. He found out the true name of this new man, made him swear oaths that he will cook whatever Galbatorix wanted, whenever he wanted and as much he wanted. He could not leave the palace, but was well kept due to some reason not even he knew. But since he was a slave, he was very kind to Murtagh and Thorn. “Hello Comel. How are you?” Thorn asked him pleasantly.
“I’m fine Thorn. But as usual, wishing for my freedom, which I know I will never get.” He replied with a sad smile on his face.
“Well, we wanted supplies, Comel”
“Sure. What and how much did you want?”
“Give us meat, bread and fruits to last us for a week. Oh, and could you possibly give me some of your special chicken? Murtagh adores it.”
“Hmmmm …Let’s see…” He rummaged about a bit, brought the needed things and stuffed them in Thorn’s saddlebags. “There you go. Hope it is enough!”
“Aye. It will be. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
From there, Thorn headed straight to the Eldunari chambers. Just as he was about to enter, a huge black dragon foot stopped him. As he gazed above, he saw the looming figure of Shruikan. “Where were you headed off to hatchling?” Shruikan asked Thorn rather sadly. “Has Galbatorix sent you off on a mission again?”
“Erm…Yes. We were headed for Dras-Leona. The erm… Priests have started a bit too much of ‘Sacrifice’ and so we were about to depart.”
“Ugh. I never did like those priests. Well, good luck and favorable winds to you Thorn bloodscales.”
“Thank you master.”
“Well, I have to go. I am as hungry as a dragon that were starved for weeks.” Shruikan said with very sad expression on his face. Thorn watched him go and then ran to the chambers.
The chambers, weren’t actually chambers, but tunnels, that were deep below the ground. They were so deep, that even if Shruikan bashed the walls of these and tried to come out of Urubaen hitting the ground with his head, no one would know. There were eight tunnels in total, and were filled with loads of Eldunari, Galbatorix had collected in the war. Thorn went to the one where the last dragon egg was kept, hidden in the shadows. The keeper of this tunnel, a burly man capable to wield a spear and a sword at the same time, was asleep. Thorn extended his mind towards him, and at once, without notice, took control over the body of the man. Then he erased all his memories, and along with him, went inside the tunnel. The man, now controlled by Thorn, started to fill his saddlebags with Eldunari. He put the egg first, and then put all the Eldunari in his bags. Luckily, Thorn’s Eldunari, too was present in the same tunnel. As the last Eldunari was being stacked, Thorn put a claw through his heart, and the man collapsed. Thorn quickly came out of the tunnel, and once he was on land, he took off. He flew very high, and rushed to the place where his partner-of-heart-and-mind was waiting for him.
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Murtagh was getting bored and called out to Thorn to hurry up. “I have reached small one. I am above you!”
Murtagh looked up and saw with pure joy, a red streak hurrying towards him. “Did you get the Eldunari Thorn?” Murtagh asked Thorn as he landed.
“Yes. And good old Comel packed your favorite chicken”
“Yeah …Are you ready, Thorn?” Murtagh asked happily. Finally, they were free!
“I am small one.” Thorn replied as Murtagh got onto Thorn. “Hold on!!!” he added as he soared into the sky with a roar.
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C&C

[baneofdurza]

It's good for your first attempt and English isn't your first language so that is good as well
BOD

[Savasung88]

I liked it a little.

I noticed that you spelled Tyrnek's name two different ways in the second chapter. Try to proof read your chapters a bit more.

Also as others have said, try to double space the talking sections from the others.

Also try to add more descriptions to peoples faces of looks, like with Galby you got half-way their, just highlight the features of his face so people don't imagine John Malkovich

Savasung.

[coolguy]

I liked it a little.

I noticed that you spelled Tyrnek's name two different ways in the second chapter. Try to proof read your chapters a bit more.

Also as others have said, try to double space the talking sections from the others.

Also try to add more descriptions to peoples faces of looks, like with Galby you got half-way their, just highlight the features of his face so people don't imagine John Malkovich

Savasung.

No. actually, Tyrken and Tirnek are two different people. You could call them brothers, but they aren't the same person. I'll add it.

About the discriptions about Galbatorix, I thought that the chapter might become way too long, but when I posted it here, I can see that it is quite short. I'll write more here onwards.

Thank you so much for your comments,
Coolguy

[Burrosis]

If you are writing on MS word or whatever, try to make your chapters around 3 pages. It's usually a good cut off point. However if it is a special part when you pass three pages then keep going and finish at the logical closure point.

Anyway keep up the story.

[Timbowolf]

I just started reading this. Not too bad; your first chapter wasn't all that great, but chapter 2 was a significant improvement. The emotion between Murtagh and Thorn in that chapter was good. My only complaints so far are:

1. Your story is pretty generic. Immediately after Feinster, funeral for Oromis and Glaedr, Murtagh and Thorn changing their true names and stealing the egg and some eldunari...it's been said and donw so many times it feels very stale. Your writing wasn't too bad, but I beleive that your more original touch on a book 4 fic is what will make it enjoyable. There are so many out there, competition is fierce,cand when you read one with a plot that's been said and done so many times the reader gets bored quickly. This is only the beginning, but keep that in mind as you write more.

2. Your fomat of writing is very confusing. Your have some absurdly long paragraphs and have no spaces between any of your lines. I format my fic liek this: paragraphs with no indent (they don't work here anyway) and a space between each one. I also signify a PoV change wiht a * between the spaces. Do what you feel looks good, but do something to make the story easier to read.

So in conclusion, not a bad start. Keep it up.

[dutch Eragon fan]

I just started reading this. Not too bad; your first chapter wasn't all that great, but chapter 2 was a significant improvement. The emotion between Murtagh and Thorn in that chapter was good. My only complaints so far are:

1. Your story is pretty generic. Immediately after Feinster, funeral for Oromis and Glaedr, Murtagh and Thorn changing their true names and stealing the egg and some eldunari...it's been said and donw so many times it feels very stale. Your writing wasn't too bad, but I beleive that your more original touch on a book 4 fic is what will make it enjoyable. There are so many out there, competition is fierce,cand when you read one with a plot that's been said and done so many times the reader gets bored quickly. This is only the beginning, but keep that in mind as you write more.

2. Your fomat of writing is very confusing. Your have some absurdly long paragraphs and have no spaces between any of your lines. I format my fic liek this: paragraphs with no indent (they don't work here anyway) and a space between each one. I also signify a PoV change wiht a * between the spaces. Do what you feel looks good, but do something to make the story easier to read.

So in conclusion, not a bad start. Keep it up.

I agree with timbowolf


but it were preddy good chapters for the begin. hope you update soon


your new reader DEF