[13Angela13]

Hi! I am really new here! Anyway I have been reading some books here and thought I'd put some of my writing here. Hope you enjoy it!


Aldwin

Part 1
In a world full of light and beauty
And such brilliant light,

An Elf walks under the forest canopy,
Through the night.

His hair as dark as the night sky,
His eyes of the deepest blue,
Alin, born of the ocean.

He walks toward his lover,
The fair Aldwin, she born of
The stars.

As he walks through the
Forest; toward the mountain
Where Aldwin lives,
He meets the creatures of the forest,
Who love him as they love his race,
Provide him company toward the
Mountain where Aldwin and her sisters
Live.




But at the mountain Alin’s guard stops
And goes no further;

For on the mountain
Lives Eon, the great dragon.
He hunts everything that comes his way,
Burns anything that stands in his way.

He once terrized everything;
From his mountain to the ocean
And Beyond,

But Now,
He grows old,
Though he stills has energy,
To hunt everything in his way,

His terrizom ends at the
Mountain,
But no further.

The creatures and elves
Still fear him,
And never go near the mountain,

Except for Alin,
To see his lover.



Alone Alin walks toward the home
Of Aldwin.

He walks up the weathered path
Toward the clearing where Aldwin lives.

But first he must pass
The dragon’s cave.

He drew nearer and nearer
Toward the one obstacle
Between him and Aldwin

He treads the ground
Softly; toward his
Destination.

He hurries toward
Aldwin’s clearing,

As the Yellow Face
Starts to show
His Face.

As Alin comes toward
The clearing,

He hears soft motions
Around him,


In the clearing,
He finds no Aldwin,
Nor in her dwelling.

He worries not,
For Aldwin is not
Often found in her home
When the bright jewels of the sky
Are found.

Alin goes toward the hut,
Intending to rest
When he realizes what the
Motions are
That he hears.

He looks up,
And there, to his fear,
He saw the outline of a dragon!

Then, he sees a burst
Of glowing silver fire,

And he saw black.
_________________________________________

That is only the first part. I would like to see comments, good or bad.
I would like at least 3 comments before I post the next parts.

This post has been edited by 13Angela13: 12 November 2009 - 08:13 PM

[Hold Your Peace]

This is posted in the wrong section, it should be in the Poetry Cafe. I reported the thread, so I mod should move it anytime soon.

On the subject of the poem however, I liked it. The words flowed quite well and I liked the descrpitive prose.

Thorn Pwns

Edit: Welcome to If!

This post has been edited by Thorn Pwns: 16 October 2009 - 05:55 PM

[Blazing Elf]

Very good same thing that Thorn Pws said the words flowed very nicely.
people please comment!

This post has been edited by Blazing Elf: 17 October 2009 - 10:24 AM

[13Angela13]

Thank you Thorn Pwns and Blazing Elf!
Again I will put up the next part as soon as 1 more person comments!

[13Angela13]

Okay I lied. Here's part 2!


Part 2
Aldwin came joyously
Into her clearing.

As the Sun
Climbed higher in the sky,

She thought lovingly
Of the stars of the previous
Night.

Their beauty extended
And shone more brightly,
Then in her memory.

She thought,
Too,
Of Alin,
Her lover.

She would
See him
That day.

But where
Was he?



She searched the
Clearing, her hut,
And the pool,
Where often went.

Alas! She could
Not find him!

The inhabitants of the forest
Told he came.

At last, she saw
The scorch marks by
Her hut.

She knew then,
What happened.

Of how Eon came,
And stole her lover
From her midst.

She made a resolve then
To bring back her love,
Even if it meant
She would meet Death.
______________________________________
Again I would like to see some comments!

[Blazing Elf]

Wow, very nice! Please update soon.

[13Angela13]

I would like some more comments please! I am all more finished with the next parts. I will probaly update tomorrow if I have a chance.

This post has been edited by 13Angela13: 20 October 2009 - 05:43 PM

[13Angela13]

I finished!

Part 3
Aldwin swept
Toward the home
Of her bravest sister,

Near a waterfall.

She plead for
Her help,

And she received
It.

Together they
Clad themselves
In their fine elven armor.

They took their shields
And swords,
One white, the other silver.

They marched toward
Eon’s cave
Through the dusk.




Part 4
Alin looked
Around him
As he regained consciousness.

He was in the
Dragon’s lair,
Chained to a wall.

He could see
Eon’s hoard of treasure,
Of shining gold.

And in
The midst of
All this,

Stood the great silver dragon,
Eon.

“Too long have you
Wandered through
My mountain freely,”
Said Eon.

And then the legendary
Flame came.

--------------------------------------------
Lucky you! 2 more parts! Now I am serious. I would like some comments
before I post the final part and won't until I see some!

[MurtaghNasuada]

I like this poem; it's well put together and the words flow well.
There's a few bits of redundancy in the first part of the poem, such as:

"As the Yellow Face
Starts to show
His Face."

I suggest changing the ending to something different, as in the first line you've already stated that his yellow face has started to show.

[13Angela13]

I didn't say that! The first line of the poem was referring to the battle between light vs. dark etc., etc. not that the sun was rising. Thank you for the comment, MurtaghNasuada. I'm glad you liked it. a few more comments and I'll post the final part. I just want to know if it feels like the ending is predictable maybe?

This post has been edited by 13Angela13: 03 November 2009 - 09:28 AM

[MurtaghNasuada]

Well, the fact that I haven't predicted it yet means that no, it doesn't have an easily predictable ending.

[13Angela13]

At last the final part to Aldwin!!!

Part 5

At last
The long march came
To an end.

They had arrived
At the dragon’s lair.

Aldwin and her sister
Drew their swords
And entered cautiously.

They could see
Great silver flame
Pointed toward something
On a wall.

Aldwin could see
Who was on the wall.

Alin looked at
Her,
And with his dying breath
Said his love for her,

And Alin was no more.

Aldwin looked
At Alin franticly,
He could not be dead!

She lunged
Toward Eon with sword
In hand.

She managed
To stab Eon’s wing
Before he saw
Her.

Eon turned
And their battle began.

Such a battle
Was theirs,

Claw against
Sword,

And the terrible
Flame,

Aldwin fought
With all her
Might and magic,


To avenge the
Death of Alin!

Eon, the silver dragon,
Fought viscously,
For if she died too,
He would be able
To take her sisters’
From this world,

And have the
Mountain to himself.

The silver flame and claw
Danced around Eon,
Finally piercing him
Through his twisted
Heart.

Fatally wounded,
Eon,
Managed his final
Deed.


He pierced Aldwin
Through her stomach,
Until it seemed
She would die from
Loss of blood
With his claw.

Then Eon was nothing.

Aldwin’s sister
Gaped at the deed,

No one had been
Able to kill Eon
Before!

She was happy and excited
For she had not seen
That Aldwin had been
Pierced also.

Aldwin made her way
Toward the corpse of Alin,
Despite the blood flowing
Freely from her stomach.





She was aware
That she was going
To die.

She reached
Alin;

She reached for
His body,
Saw his charred
Face,

And tenderly
Stroked his cheek,

And she departed
This world forever.

____________________
I had a lot of fun
writing it. I hope you enjoyed it.

This post has been edited by 13Angela13: 07 November 2009 - 02:50 PM

[Blazing Elf]

Hmm I think it was very good ...but I realized something that I should've realized a long time ago, your poems are like a story....but they are still good.

This post has been edited by Blazing Elf: 10 November 2009 - 06:10 PM

[13Angela13]

It's a narrative poem....
I'm glad you liked it Blazing Elf.