[Savasung88]

Hello!

This fan-fic was inspired by the many others out there that I have been reading. All comments, critiques and criticism will be welcome.


Let's get this sucker started then!


Chapter 1 - What's next?

Chapter 2 - Isolation

Chapter 3 - Night Watch

Chapter 4 - The Trial

Chapter 5 - An Imminent Threat

Chapter 6 - Conversations with the Queen

Chapter 7 - The Lovers Last Night

Chapter 8 - Enemies from the Past

Chapter 9 - Nightmare

Chapter 10 - A Position of Power

Chapter 11 - Arrival of the Elves

Chapter 12 - Approach

Chapter 13 - The fight of brothers

Chapter 14 - Regret

Chapter 15 - Words of Wisdom

Chapter 16 - The Varden

Chapter 17 - A Disturbed Rider

Chapter 18 - Awakening

Chapter 19 - Travel Plans

Chapter 20 - A Womens Touch.

Chapter 21 - The Elves

Chapter 22 - Matters at Hand

Chapter 23 - Eka elrun ono Ebrithil.

Chapter 24 - Confessions

Chapter 25 - Good News or Bad?

Chapter 26 - Leading Again

Chapter 27 - A Change of Plans

Chapter 28 - A Plan Gone Wrong

Chapter 29 - A Dawning of Hope

Chapter 30 - Parting Ways


Edit: I have ditched the prologue guys. The way I want my story to go has changed so I will not be needing it anymore.

This post has been edited by Savasung88: 13 February 2010 - 05:50 AM

[bPhoenix]

It's certainly an interesting prologue. Reminds me heavily of the beginning of Brothers. However, if it's more for the sequel, then shouldn't you have left it for the sequel and done a different one for this book? Just a thought.

Anyway, only issue I got is you should have the mind talking in italics, not quotes.

[Fireball123]

wow, I'm impressed. Both original and well written, I can't wait to find out what will happen. I'm guessing that A) He will find the Alageasia at war and Eragon the second as the only free rider. or B) I'm wrong and it isn't A

[Timbowolf]

A very promising beginning. It was unique, well-written, and did echo of the beginning of Brothers. It was a strong start and I'm curious to read more.

But I do have to agree with bPhoenix; you might be getting a little ahead of yourself, setting up a sequel when you've just started your first book. It still works well in my opinion, but dude, one step at a time.

[Savasung88]

Chapter 1- What next?

"Our name is Varaug, fear us!"

Arya awoke with a jolt. She quickly took in her surroundings, she was in an emerald green coloured tent. The tent was bare, save for a table, a vase containing a blue lily on top of that table, two high-backed wooden chairs, a scrying mirror and the cot that she was lying in. She was in her tent.

She realised that it had just been a nightmare and was now awake, but there was still something bothering her.

Arya felt as though Saphira had stood on her head and though she had just woken up, her limbs and joints were aching and she felt as exhausted as she had felt when she had fallen into Eragon's arms, seemingly the night before after fighting Varaug.

Eragon she thought to herself.

He has grown since I first met him and he saved me from Durza. He has grown since when he lusted for my beauty in Ellesmera. He has grown since the trip back from Helgrind and now he is no longer the child that I used to perceive him as, he has grown into a man.

Arya was confused by her feelings for Eragon, the turmoil was building inside her but she dared not confide in anyone other than herself. When she first met Eragon she thought of him as a friend and it pained her immensely to hurt him the way she did in Ellesmera, but she convinced herself that it was for the good of Alagaesia and that she could not distract him from his duties as the tip of the spear pointed at Galbatorix's throat. But when she and Eragon had shared that time together at the campfire in the Empire, and when Eragon had given her the blue lily Arya grew warmer towards Eragon and the rest of the world. Then Eragon had comforted her after she had vanquished Varaug and learned of the deaths of Oromis and Glaedr.

Was it love?, Arya thought to herself. It couldn't be, she had loved Faolin and her feelings towards Eragon were not the same as those feelings but she was not sure.

Arya scanned the Varden camp with her mind and to her surprise found the consciousness's of Eragon and the 12 Elven bodyguards, stationed outside her tent.

Arya nudged at the barriers surrounding Eragon's mind and found images of Oromis and Glaedr. This sent a pang to Arya's stomach as she remembered that the graceful dragon rider and the mighty dragon had perished to the sword of Morzan, weilded by Murtagh.

"Arya!" Arya heard Eragon exclaim into her mind and a great roar erupted out the front of her tent.

Within seconds, Eragon, Nasuada and Blodgharm were inside her tent with Saphira poking her head in through the entrance flap.

"You're awake!," Eragon and Nasuada said in unison.

"We were worried about you Emerald Eyes," Saphira added.

Arya looked at Eragon. Worry was etched all over his face, she found his eyes and their gazes were locked as she stared into the glossy, knowing eyes as they stared back at her. Arya and Eragon were drinking in each others features until Nasuada coughed to signal they were waiting for them.

"You are probably wondering what you are doing in your tent Arya." Nasuada said

Arya hadn't thought too much about but realised that the last thing she could remember was falling into Eragon's warm embrace after learning of Oromis' and Glaedr's deaths at the hands of Murtagh.

"Now that you mention it Nasuada, how did I get her? The last thing I remember was falling into Eragon's arms after I defeated Varaug..." Arya stopped as she realised she had said to much.

Eragon picked up the conversation. "You collapsed after defeating Varaug, Arya. I checked your pulse and barely found one. I rushed you back here to your tent and the elven healers and I have been looking after you until now."

"How long have I been unconscious" said Arya quietly, she was shocked that she had almost died defeating the Shade.

"Two weeks" Eragon said "I contacted your mother among the elves and she sent 30 more elves here to protect you and myself, she was uncontrollable when I told her that you had almost died and she wanted to feel more secure about your safety."

Arya was shocked at the reaction of her mother. Queen Islanzadi rarely showed any emotion at all. Arya wondered why her mother would be so protective all of a sudden but remembered that after her father died, Arya was all that the Queen had left of her family.

"When did the other Elves arrive here?" enquired Arya.

"A week ago Arya svit-kona." said Blodgharm, they are currently resting.

Arya was shocked at all that she had missed and she was wondering why Eragon and Nasuada had smiles on their faces. She deduced that they must be leaving something out.

"Is there something that you haven't told me that happened when I was unconscious?" Arya enquired further.

Nasuada's face broke into an uncontrollable grin and said just one word.

"Yes"

At that moment Murtagh entered the entrance flap of the tent that Saphira had temporarily vacated cradling a green dragon egg in his arms.

--

There you go, tell me what you think

This post has been edited by Savasung88: 07 December 2009 - 04:05 AM

[Fireball123]

awesome, although wasn't arya awake after they defeated varaug?

[bPhoenix]

It's an interesting beginning; the ending leaves plenty of questions to be answered.

Just one slight problem. In Brisingr, Arya did not faint after killing the Shade. She and Nasuada talked to Eragon privately, discussing the eldunari after the battle, and how Galbatorix killed Oromis and Glaedr. I'm aware this is a fanfic and you may have altered some of the information from the original books slightly, but I'm just saying. Perhaps it could've been Roran instead of Arya. I don't believe he was mentioned at all after the battle, and Eragon would certainly be worried enough to care for him.

[Shruikanisbeast]

Wow very interesting fanfic....

But really as bPhoenix said you messed up wtih a few things that are kind of crucial.

example:
Eragon had given her a gold lilly, not a blue one.
Arya did not faint after the battle with the shade.
30 Elves is total overkill.
Bid'Daum's fire should be plain white not silver.

[bPhoenix]

I'm pretty sure Eragon gave her a blue lily; it was the spirits that turned it gold. But when he gave her the lily, it was definitely a blue color.

[Burrosis]

In my opinion you need to slow down. Already you have a Sequel story line 'ready', Arya figuring out her feelings toward Eragon, the Green Egg in the Varden's possession, Murtagh defecting, and another squad of bodyguards sent to the Varden.

That is a lot. Especially since you have only written 2 chapters total. Just slow down and let the writing flow. While I think that this is a really interesting way to start the book, I also think that you overdid the amount of things that Arya had missed in only a two week span.

Like others had said, the prologue reminded me very much of Brothers and in the prologue you had italics issues with thoughts. Also like others have pointed out, some of your facts are not straight, but I'm willing to let that go for this type of start.

You have me interested and I hope you can keep up this kind of work.

Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

[Savasung88]

Hey

I was a bit rusty on some of the facts so i will try to fix that up in later chapters.

I have plenty of chapters saved on word as I had trouble setting up my account, although they will be released systematically.

The next few chapters are filling in the two weeks Arya's been out .

Also as someone has stated, the prologue will catch up with us towards the end of the story, and I was also thinking it started like brothers but I couldn,t be bothered re-writing it.

Thanks for the advice guys, and im actually glad that you're reading.

30 elves is to show the over-reaction of Islanzadi, to Arya's ailment.

[Savasung88]

This chapter is chronologically before chapter 1

Just thought I'd let you know.

Chapter 2- Isolation

It was 2 days after the siege of Feinster. The Varden had achieved the impossible and had captured one of the Empires cities. The Varden had won a great battle but they had not won the war yet.

Eragon was sitting on a hill on the outskirts of Feinster. The hill was isolated- about 3 Kilometers from the varden camp- and covered in lush grass. It was the highest hill around, standing head and shoulders above the surrounding hills but a dwarf in comparison to the Beor mountains. The hill was overlooking the ocean which made it easy to forget the situation he was in.

Saphira was out hunting as she had not eaten since the siege of Feinster and the flight from Ellesmera had tired her greatly. Eragon could feel her adrenaline faintly through the bond which was stronger than any other.

Eragon preferred to be alone at this point, he was thinking and remembered Saphira's words before she left to hunt. The words echoing loudly in his mind.

"Do not think over this too heavily little one, do not let this eat you up on the inside. For the good of Alagaesia, you must be strong."

Eragon wanted to forget.

He wanted to forget that he had been thrown into this colossal struggle at the deep end without barely knowing how to swim.

He wanted to forget that he had caused so much pain and grief. The breaking up of families, taking children from fathers, husbands from wives.

He wanted to forget that he must be the one to overthrow the powerful tyrant king. Alone.
He could barely defeat Murtagh, and Galbatorix was probably hundreds, even thousands of times more powerful than him.

He wanted to forget that it was he who had caused the deaths of his masters, Oromis and Glaedr. If he hadn't opposed the Empire then they would not be dead.

But most of all he wanted to forget that he was alone.

"Alone!" An angy, yet majestic voice sounded deep within his mind. This was accompanied by a great roar about 500 meters to the north.

Eragon's head whipped around to see a majestic, sapphire blue dragon, the Queen of the skies, approaching him. Eragon scolded himself for severing his link with Saphira while he was brooding and knew that he was about to pay the price.

"How could you even let that word enter your mind little one? Do you forget that we are bonded deeper than anything could ever be bonded? As long as you have me Eragon, you shall never be alone."

"Further more little one, I chose you for a reason. I chose you for your courage, your strength and the hope that I knew that you could bring to Alagaesia. Also little one, I feel your loss and pain at all the people you, no we, have lost. Garrow, Brom, Ajihad, Oromis and Glaedr...."

Eragon felt a twinge of sadness at the mention of his masters names.

"But I also share your happiness and love for the people that we still have left, Roran, Katrina, Nasuada and Arya. So do not dwell over things in the past and things that you cannot change, focus on the task ahead of us, which is to kill this, oath-breakin, tyrant king."

For the first time in 2 days Eragon smiled. His verbal lashing from Saphira had cheered him up. As always, her logic was impregnable and she always knew what to say to Eragon.

"Thank you Saphira, I don't know what I'd do without you." He let his feelings of gratitude flow through their connection, speaking louder than words ever could.

Eragon and Saphira sat in silence for the next few hours, hardly focusing on anything, just enjoying each others presence and letting their thoughts intertwine, until he felt a familiar presence touch his mind.

"Shadeslayer?"

"Yes Blodgharm?" came Eragons reply.

"It is time for your's and Saphira's watch over Arya as you told me to remind you."

"Thank you Blodgharm, I will be there in 10 minutes." Eragon finished severing the connection

"Let us be off Saphira, Blodgharm has just reminded me that it is our turn to watch over Arya." said Eragon, breaking the monotony.

"Ok little one, I hope you are alright now."

"As long as I have you the-partner-of-my-heart-and-mind."

With that they were winging their way back to the Varden camp.

--

Slowing it down a little I hope?

I had to re-think my storyline after the comments.

Comments & Criticism

Savasung88

This post has been edited by Savasung88: 07 December 2009 - 04:04 AM

[bPhoenix]

A few things. It was kind of a sudden jump from chapter 1 in the present to chapter 2 in the past. You need some kind of transition. Something along the lines of Eragon walking into the tent and sitting besides Arya to tell her of past events, then the scene fading out.

Don't use numerals in your chapters. Instead of '2 days', type 'two days'. Sure, it's a bit longer, but it seems more professional that way.

I can't see why Eragon would blame himself for Oromis's and Glaedr's deaths. Their deaths were in no way his fault, and there was nothing he could've done to prevent it, unlike Garrow's and Brom's deaths.

That aside, it's not a bad chapter. Keep it up.

[Savasung88]

Il just try to clarify this up a little bit as I seem to be confusing people a bit.

Think the Odyssey where Odysseus tells his tale to alcinuos.

Also any tips on how to improve my length? I feel as though they are too short.

[Savasung88]

Chapter 3- Night Watch

Saphira and Eragon were approaching the Varden camp. The camp was situated outside the walls of the city of Feinster, and the tents had been set up in a helter-skelter fashion with no order to the chaos. Sounds of laughter and merriment were drifting up from the camp as people celebrated the Vardens victory, even though the fires that had erupted in Feinster during the siege had long since burnt out, and the final resistance of the city had been crushed. Eragon, with his elven eyesight soon found Arya's tent among the camp even though it was dark. Arya's tent was surrounded by tents, with no place for Saphira to land, unlike Eragons tent. This writhing sea of pale canvas tents presented a problem to the mighty dragoness and her rider.

"I don't think that we can land in that mess Saphira" sighed Eragon, "If you landed in the middle of the camp, you would undoubtedly crush a few tents."

"I will circle the camp little one. You can contact Blodhgarm and ask him to clear a space for me to land." Saphira said in reply.

Eragon reached out with his mind towards Arya's tent and found Blodhgarms mind he nudged the animalistic mind of the elf-wolf to let him know it was him.

"Yes Shadeslayer?" purred Blodhgarm

"I need you to clear a space for Saphira to land, Blodhgarm. I do not want people of the Varden to turn against me for crushing their tents."

Eragon and Saphira were circling the camp while they were waiting for Blodhgarm to clear a space for them to land. Eragon scanned the colossal mass of tents and found the blood-red command pavilion. Eragon sighed as he remembered that he would be required to join in the politics of the Varden tomorrow when Lady Lorana would be put on trial.

Eragon snapped out of his thoughts as an animal, yet strangely familiar consciousness touched his mind. At first he had thought that it was Blodhgarm but the consciousness had pulled away as soon as it had noticed that Eragon was aware of it. Eragon searched for the mind, when he couldn't place the feeling, but could not find it. He decided to ask Saphira about it and if she had also felt it but was beaten to it when Saphira contacted him through their bond.

"Little one, did you feel that? It felt as though an animal touched my mind but it was unlike any other animal I have felt before."

"Aye Saphira, I felt it. At first I thought it was Blodhgarm, but now I am not so sure."

"We will find out in due course little one, do not let this worry you when more important issues are at hand."

Eragon and Saphira's conversation was cut short when Blodhgarm's wolf-like consciousness touched their minds.

"You can land now Shadeslayer and Brightscales," he purred "Sorry it took so long, these humans have no idea how to order their tents, and they seemed to be a bit fearful of me, nevertheless, it has been done."

Saphira spiralled down towards where she was going to land. The tight circlular descent would have unnerved Eragon a few months ago, but now it was nothing to him. When Saphira landed on the dusty, fire blackened, blood-stained ground, Eragon leaped off Saphira and with his elven grace, landed lightly on his feet without the jarring sensation a human would have felt. Eragon felt his waist to make sure his rider sword, Brisingr, was there. Satisfied that all was in place he carried on his way.

Eragon walked over to the emerald coloured tent and pulled apart the tents entrance flaps to reveal the inside of Arya's tent. Blodhgarm was sitting in one of the hard, high-backed chairs, waiting for him.

"Any change?" Eragon enquired to Blodhgarm, referring to Arya's condition.

"Her pulse is stronger but she does not respond when someone talks to her." Blodhgarn replied impassively

"Has anyone tried contacting her through her mind?" Eragon asked, thinking of when He, Saphira and Murtagh had rescued Arya from Durza in Gil'ead and Eragon had contacted Arya through her mind.

"We have tried all that we know Shadeslayer. Only time can heal some wounds." Blodhgarm said in reply.

Eragon tried to enter Arya's mind but was unable to gain access, even when Saphira added her own mental javelins to the assualt they were unable to break through the solid barrier around Arya's mind.

"I take my leave now Shadeslayer, the other elven guards will still be stationed outside the tent. If the situation changes then call us immediately." With these words Blodhgarm left Arya's tent.

Eragon watched Arya, her chest rising and falling as though she was sleeping, Her dark raven hair was splayed across the end of the cot and her honey coloured limbs as still as the limbs of a tree. To someone who didn't know, it would seem as though Arya was sleeping but Eragon knew better, he knew the real situation behind Arya's prolonged slumber.

I hope she makes it through this. I have lost so much in this war already that I do not think I could stand it if I lost Arya, she is the closest person to me save for Roran, but she is the only person that truly understands the position that I am in. She is also one of the only people who know me as Eragon, not Eragon the Rider or Eragon Shadeslayer.

"Fear not little one, Arya is strong and if anyone can make it through this then it his her. You should be thinking about the task ahead of us. We must find a way to separate Galbatorix from his hoard of Eldunari and somehow stealing the final dragon egg from his foul, oath-breaking clutches."

Saphira melded her mind with Eragons and let her feelings of peace flow through their connection, calming Eragon.

"Thank you Saphira, I have been at a crossroads these last few days, trying to figure out where we should go from here. Being the tip or a spear is a very hard job."

"Was that supposed to be a joke? You would have to come up with better than that to make the queen of the skies laugh."

Eragon chuckled to himself as he ran over Saphira's final comment in his mind and resumed his silent vigil at the bedside of the sleeping princess.

Eragon remained this way for the next few hours. Eragon started when Arya's hand moved but it turned out that it was-from what he had learned in his studies- just the nerves firing randomly. Then Eragon felt the animal consciousness again, he tried to contact Saphira but she was asleep. The consciousness was close so Eragon ran silently towards the Entrance flap of Arya's tent. He pulled the flaps back just in time to see a large furry tail swish out of sight behind one of the tents.

Solembum? Eragon thought to himself confused.

--

This post has been edited by Savasung88: 07 December 2009 - 04:04 AM