[dabenjita]

Chapter one: The Mourning Sage

No. I will not mourn. Not for the sake of my masters. They would not wish this. As Saphira sent Eragon comforting feelings to try and cheer him up, Eragon knew that a part of him would be damaged for ever. After the awe, dropping death of his masters, his ebrithrils, a sense of confusion had entered Eragon, a sense of abyss, of not knowing what to do next. With the careful instruction of Oromis and Glaedr, there was always something to be done. As another wave of nausea hit Eragon, he knew that he must not mourn them, for he must look ahead, not back, or otherwise he would never move forward.


Feeling peaceful now, rider Eragon Shadeslayer hopped up his dragon, Saphira Brightscale’s back, and took off with the resilient, powerful beats of wings. Climbing to prepare for a dive, Eragon could feel a sense of dread in Saphira, that which he had only felt in her when his father, unbeknownst to him at the time, Brom, had died. “Saphira are you all right?”

“Yes little one. I feel much like you. I don’t want to mourn them but I don’t want to forget them.”

“Yes Saphira, we must move on.” Catching him off guard, Saphira dived, and happiness filled Eragon for the first time in two days since his masters had died.

Wind whistling through his hair, Eragon saw hundreds of heads in the varden's camp, tents, and armor from the soldiers. Jumping off Saphira's back Eragon started walking back to his tent but with his improved vision, he saw a figure clothed in a green tunic hunched over, and heard a sound like muffled sobs. Trotting over to the figure with many jaw-dropping looks from the people of The Varden, he knew very well who it was.

Dropping to the ground, sitting in a cross-legged position, Eragon waited for Arya to talk to him, knowing she was in great pain. Finally acknowledging him, Arya said, “How are you Shadeslayer.”

Eragon replied, “I cannot say I am well, Arya svit-kona.” I have come to the conclusion I must look beyond my masters deaths, otherwise I will not be able to look forward and deal with all the other issues of Alagaesia.”

"I, I just can't believe they are gone."

"Everyone's life has a limit Arya, the elves, the riders, the dragon's, and must definetly, the humans." "We must all die sometime." "It is the nature of life." "It is not for us to decide who dies and who doesn't.""I know you don't believe in gods, but, it is up to someone or something greater."

"Yes Eragon, thank you for your support.""We must strengthen our will so that they, and all the others who have died fighting for freedom, do not die in vain."

"Yes Arya, that's the spirit." " I must get some rest."

"May the stars watch over you Eragon."

Passing by many startled humans, Eragon got many grins and slaps on the back, and lots of congratulations for the win at Feinster. Deciding to visit Nasuada before going back to his tent, he located the red pavilon that was Nasuada's headquarters. As the nighthawks announced Eragon's presence, and he entered, a droopy smile came to her lips.

"How are you Eragon."

"I am better than I could hope."" I have decided I need to focus on the problems of Alagaesia, and not let my masters die in vain."

"You are right as usual, shadeslayer." "Return to my tent tomorow morning." "I have plans for you."

Finally reaching his tent, he entered and layed down on his bed, and escaped into the dreamworld.
___________________________________________________

Chapters:
Chapter 1: The Mourning Sage
Chapter 2: Meeting
Chapter 3: Misery Through Another
Chapter 4: Surprise!
Chapter 5: Help...Or Not?
Chapter 6: Torture.. What a Surprise!
Chapter 7: Plans?
Chapter 8: New Torture?
Chapter 9: Visit
Chapter 10: Arrival
Chapter 11: Party
Chapter 12: Thoughts
Chapter 13: Battle
Chapter 14: Sparring Time.
Chapter 15: Battle of Belatona
Chapter 16: The Journey Begins
Chapter 17: Half Of the Journey Comes to an End
Chapter 18: Utgard
Chapter 19: Back on the Journey
Chapter 20: Enlightenment
Chapter 21: The Journey Continues

This post has been edited by dabenjita: 12 December 2009 - 07:34 PM

[Fredric 43]

One thing I don't like is Arya calling him shadeslayer, pretty sure his friends call him Eragon

[dabenjita]

One thing I don't like is Arya calling him shadeslayer, pretty sure his friends call him Eragon

Thanks, yay you have the first post. Sorry I accidently posted the first chapter twice.

[bPhoenix]

First off, space out your paragraphs. When each person speaks, have them on separate lines with double spaces. When he's thinking, or talking with Saphira, put it in italics, not quotes. That aside, I didn't really notice any grammar errors, which is pretty good considering a lot of people start off with a lot of those.

The chapter itself is pretty short, and lacks a lot of descriptions and emotions. The conversations almost felt kinda robotic. Try showing their facial expressions, how their eyes twinkle, etc. When Eragon's flying, describe the land beneath him. When he walks back to his tent, describe the scene around him.

Right now, there doesn't seem to be anything really unique about your story. Nothing really draws me in. But don't let that discourage you; keep writing and you can only improve on that.

[dabenjita]

Thanks a lot. I should have put more effort into this one. I also realize i accidently posted it three times (yeah I know), how do you delete posts?

[Dempton]

I'll get a mod for the other two topics instead,since this one is better written.As for the story,nice start but there are a few problems.Instead of one big chunk,space it into paragraphs.Make your updates longer.And also post thoughts and mental converation IN ITALICS.That makes it easier to distinguish whether it's a thought,or conversation through the mouth.All in all, I'll be keeping an eye on this fic.

[dabenjita]

Thanks dempton. I have lots to work on later, and have edited this chapter a little.

This post has been edited by dabenjita: 24 October 2009 - 12:35 PM

[dabenjita]

Chapter 2: Meeting

Eragon saw many silver haired people boarding two ships, and two dragons flying above them, as well as a shedding tears on the shore, as well as a different, lighter haired man on a boat waving goodbye. At that point, he woke up, with the dream in his mind, with a sense of deja vu, and remembered having the dream a while ago.

Saphira, I am going to show you a dream I have had twice.

Okay partner of my mind.

I think it has to do with Angela's prophecy of you having to leave Alagaesia forever, Saphira replied with a sense of unease.

We must not worry about that. If it is to happen, it is for a reason, that which we will know at a different time.

Yes we must worry about the present problems. Let's see what Nasuada has planned for us.

Making his way to the red tent, that stood out like a sore thumb among all of the others, Eragon walked across the dead, dry grass that covered the expanse of the land, and snaked between tents to avoid too much attention.

As the nighthawks announced his presence, Eragon entered the tent with anticipation.

"Ah, Eragon, I have a few questions to ask." "First off, and I try not to insult you but, do you think that you have a chance against Galbatorix?

"To be honest, at the moment, no."

"Well, all that we have fought for will be lost." "What are your ideas of how to beat him."

"For I know not if I could beat him with my skill with a sword, but chances are very slim I would get that close to him." "All it really boils down to is magic." "But he would overpower me in an instant with his eldunarya. " "I need lots of eldunari to match his magical power, but chances are also minuscule of me finding Eldunari."

"When you say minuscule, do you mean you have any ideas where some could be?" "And, are we completely sure there are no riders and dragons left to help fight for our cause?"

"I know not." "Galbatorix's thirst for power most likely left no eldunari at sites he raided." "I wouldn't risk visiting these sites either for fear we could be attacked, and I couldn't help." "I also know not if there are any dragons or riders left, for there could be on other land masses on that elves and humans came from, but again if I left to search for them, we could be attacked, and who knows how long it would take to get to the other land masses.

"Yes, you are right." "Keep thinking about ways to beat that evil king." "You are free to do what you wish for the rest of the day." "I am thinking about sending you with a few groups of soldiers on missions, and I will let you know what I decide."

"Yes Nasuada," Eragon said as he stood up to leave.

Saphira

Yes little one?

After sharing his and Nasuada's conversation, Eragon asked, How are we going to defeat him Saphira? What if we don't?

What if Eragon? After all our hard work, no we are not as strong as Galbatorix. But we have hope. We have love. And we have the people of Alagaesia with us! The solution will be hard to find, yes, but it will be a mighty one indeed!

You always know how to cheer me up my partner of mind,body, and spirit.

Think fast, Saphira joked as she brought her wings to the side and released her hold on her flight, plummeting to the ground. Light sparkling off her scales into his eyes, Eragon could hardly grab onto Saphira's neck spike. Relieve, he laughed at Saphira's attempt to make him laugh, and truly felt happiness that she chose him to be her rider that eventful day in the Spine.

This post has been edited by dabenjita: 25 October 2009 - 02:38 PM

[Dempton]

First of all,it wasn't Solembum's prophecy that he would leave Alagaesia.It was Angela's.Also,dragons didn't originate from anywhere.They and the dwarves were the original,native inhabitants of Alagaesia until the other races came.

[dabenjita]

Chapter 3: Misery through Another

As Galbatorix held them in place and moved Thorn and Murtagh at high speeds back to the castle with the use of their true name, Murtagh treasured the moments before his anticipated torture, enjoying his time without misery, and could feel similar emotions from Thorn through their mental link.

Flying by hundreds of soldiers marching South to help defend Belatona, Murtagh had a good guess where he was going next.

Thorn, when Galbatorix tortures us for being incompetent again, we must not give him the satisfaction.

Yes, my rider. I hate it as much as you, but alas, there is nothing we can do when he tortures us by the use of our true names.

What if we could find a way around that? Remember what Eragon said? That true names change when a personality changes, that they aren't cast in iron?

I have thought about this. If we continue to be the same incompetent riders, then how will our personality change? We cannot do this by following Galbatorix, for we are against him. Neither can we oppose him, for we will be tortured.

Thorn? What if we did nothing? What if we neither helped or hindered him? We would not be incompetent, for yes we would not follow his wishes, but we wouldn't do anything. What if we completely ignored him, to the extent that we would not be incompetent, but not against him?

Hmmm. We must try it. The dragon hold draws near, and I see Galbatorix pacing. Shruikan looks bored as usual. Making the best out of the last moments with each other, Galbatorix seperated them with a few inaudible words, sending Murtagh to the dungeon, where there was a post, that Galbatorix would bind Murtagh to, while he tortured Thorn, paining him through their mental link.

[i]Good luck Thorn.

With you too, we will need it.

Uttering their true name inaudibly, which was still unknown to Thorn and Murtagh, he threw Thorn threw the air to a wall covered in nails, while Murtagh was forced to watch, as he was bound in the direction of the wall.

Pain exploded into his conciousness. He could feel absolute hatred in Thorn, who was doing a great job of not roaring.

Biting his lip, Murtagh forced his mouth to stay shut, so that he would not scream.

Dismayed, Galbatorix's face fell, and then he got a devilish gleam in his eye, and said,"Ahh, getting better at holding in your emotions now aren't you?" "Let's try something new."
"Kveykva abr skullblaka," the man from hell shouted.

Engulfing Thorn in a bright haze, that was attracted to the metal nails in the wall, made their pain even worse, making Thorn's body writh and twist, as well as Murtagh. Again, Galbatorix was furious, for the pair had not uttered a sound of pain. But he very well knew they felt it.

As Thorn's numbed body came back to feeling, the pain from the nails came back, and he felt pain, but it felt different. He was used to the feeling of someone walking upon his grave, but now he felt little of that and a lot of pain from the nails.

It's working Murtagh! Can you mostly just feel my pain from the nails? Not of my true name?

Yes Thorn. We must keep this up. Galbatorix is getting frustrated.

"Risa," Galbatorix said, after saying a few other words Murtagh knew were Thorn's true name, which released his beloved dragon from the wall, making Murtagh sigh with relief.

Then healing Thorn from the many small holes left from the nails so that they would be fit for Belatona, Murtagh felt the first surge of hope for a while.

"That will be enough for today," the black eyed devil with a wispy beard stated.

Thorn you did such a good job.

As well as you my rider. That is the first time I have seen Galbatorix frustrated, and Shruikan smile.

Heading back to their quarters, that were held just next to the fifth stair case of the castle, Thorn layed down, very sore.

Murtagh, Thorn?

Quickly shielding their minds, a familiar presense brushed against the barriers of their minds.

Relax, it's me, Shruikan.

Yes Shruikan?

Galbatorix is asleep. He exhausted himself thinking of ways to torture you. You did a great job today, he was very frustrated. It is the first sign of hope I have seen from you.

Ummm, Shruikan, aren't you supposed to be loyal to Galbatorix?

Let me tell you a story.. This is the last moment I was with my original rider, Likorau.

Likorau? Yes Shruikan? I hear someone approching from the right side of the forest. As do I. Stand very still, and do not attack unless they are hostile. It was several minutes before the sound grew very close, and it seemed to be a wandering human. "Letta," another voice muttered from the opposite side of the forest, holding the pair in place. Revealing themselves, the rider and dragon recognized one of the figures to be Galbatorix, a rider on the run, but could not recall who the very pale, red-headed figure was next to him.

"Ahh, Likorau and Shruikan," Galbatorix sputtered. "As you know, my beloved dragon was killed, and the council of elders has denied me another egg. I will kill you, Likorau, and will twist your dragon with the help of this shade, into being an almost exact pair of dragon and rider with me.

"Unable to move his mouth, Likorau, my rider, could not cast magic with the use of the ancient language, but forced all his love for me into one word in his mind. Fram(forward).
As he shot forward at Galbatorix and the shade, he pulled out his sword, stenr, and swung it in a half circle, trying to sever both of the pairs heads.

With lightning fast speed, the shade jutted out his hand and grabbed my riders neck. Choking him, Galbatorix pulled out his sword, and as he was swinging, I concentrated my will for my rider to live into a burst of magic, as I pushed away the invisible wall holding me in place, I lunged at the pair.

And with astounding power I did not think Galbatorix was capable of, he said,"Letta," and as I was held, unable to help my rider, I could not close my eyes, and watched that bastard cut off my riders head right in front of me.

You could only imagine how much pain I felt, compared to yours from torture.

Do you think I would be completely loyal to him, even after he twisted my mind with dark magic? Know, I am not. He cannot ever destroy the love I had for my rider. That is why I am here to help you defeat him, but I didn't want to tell you all of this to him when you were still vulnerable to his torture, where you could tell him all I have told you.

You cannot hope to escape, but with my help, we can slowly siphon off Eldunari to you, and then to Eragon. Yes, I know it is crazy, but maybe Eragon will have more to contribute to our plan. You must speak with him about this at the battle of Belatona. Galbatorix will not waste energy controlling your mind from that distance, especially after he thinks you won't be incompetent from the torture.

Warn Eragon just in case he does.

Yes Shruikan. You have no idea how much we are grateful for your help, Murtagh and Thorn said together.

This post has been edited by dabenjita: 31 October 2009 - 07:27 PM

[dabenjita]

Chapter 4: Surprise!

Good morning little one. Have any bad dreams?

No, I was fine. I was just thinking about Solembum's prophecy. What do you think the Rock of Kuthian could be?

Ahhh. I have pondered the subject before.

Umm... excuse me. Lady Nasuada requests your presence immediately.

Saphira, we should go.

Tell her we will be there shortly, Eragon said to the messenger as he left in haste.

Throwing on a clean, blue tunic with green leggings, Eragon exited the tent with Saphira flying closely above. A small crowd had gathered outside of his tent, and he caught lots of smiles. The crowd soon gained more people and was much larger, but scattered with a few growls from Saphira.

Saphira, you are so loving to me. Do you not like attention from these curious people?

No little one, I was concerned for your safety. Any of those people could have been assassins. You never know these days.

Chuckling, Eragon saw a few kids gazing wide-eyed at Saphira, who didn't seem to notice them.

Approaching Nasuada's bright red pavilion, the nighthawks announced his presence and he entered.

Ahh, Eragon, remember two days ago...

Dong. Dong. Dong.

Scrambling to her feet, the sound kicked Nasuada into routine, but it took Eragon a few seconds to register the drums of war.

Barking orders to the nighthawks to fetch Jormundr and Orrin, Nasuada grew very tense.

Bursting in to the tent with Orrin close behind, Jormundr panted, "A force of around 400 men approaches from the north, towards the Jiet River. They could be painless.

"Aye." "Send a force of 250 men to guard north of the camp, with your cavalry in front, follwed by spearmen and archers." "Send two other forces of 125 men each to the northeast and west flank, and tell them to draw the enemy to the middle, and then attack when the cavalry does. Feel free to make adjustments, but we must flank them."

"Yes, my lady," Jormundr responded, running off to give orders.

Eragon, you will need to close the gap if they are painless, for we will be at a disatvantage, even though they will be outnumbered, but do not tire yourself too much.

Sprinting to his tent with the speed of an elf, Eragon caught a flash of bright red on the horizon, and then realized he was in for a battle.

With haste, Eragon reached out with his mind to Glaedr's eldunari, and said, Ebrithril, I need your help.

Feeling a vast conciousness stir as if it was coming from a slumber, Glaedr spoke for the first time since Oromis' death.

Yes, Eragon. What is it?

Thorn and Murtagh approach for a battle, will you support us with your power?

Yes. They draw near. Make haste.

Throwing on his armor, Eragon said to Saphira..

We don't have time to put on your armor. My wards should be enough. Be really cafeful, he doesn't have it either.

"Eragon," Murtagh's voice boomed, reinforced with magic.
"We need to talk, I promise peace, he said with an oath in the ancient language.

Leaping up Saphira's back, she climbed until there was ten yards of space between the dragons, and then hovered, as well as Thorn.

"Ahh, my half-brother," Eragon said.

"Half-brother?" "You must explain later." " I have many things to tell you."

"Go on."

"First off, your suggestion that if we changed our personalites, than our true-names would change, making us invulnerable to Galbatorix's will, has been successful, so far.
"We feel a different pain, the pain of the body, not of the true name now, but has not completely happened." "Also, Shruikan approached us with his mind, telling us he is against Galbatorix, that he has never forgiven him all these years after he killed his original rider." "He plans to slowly siphon eldunari from the king's stash to me, and then from me to you.

"How does Galbatorix not know of this?" "How do I know if Shruikan and you are telling the truth?"

Murtagh then made an oath in the ancient language, but said, "I cannot speak for Shruikan, but I felt such a hate in his mind when he told us the story of his original rider's death, which I will show to you at another time."" Galbatorix's will not waste energy controlling mine and Thorn's mind from here, that which Shruikan informed me, but his generals will report to him our battle.

As Eragon looked at all the soldiers lined up for battle, he realized. I have no other hope. I will find a way to contact Shruikan, perhaps through his eldunari.

What say you on this matter, ebrithril?

Ask Murtagh to show you a memory of his chat with Shruikan. Then we might be persuaded. It might be our only hope.

Murtagh, will you show me a memory of your chat?

"Yes, you may enter my, mind, promise peace in the ancient language first."

Eragon made his oath, and saw the memory. He felt a fury of hatred that he had never seen before. Even more than Glaedr's after his masters death.

Glaedr, I believe him for those reasons. What say you Saphira.

I have been conversing with stunted-thoughts-red scales and he seems to speak the truth. What say you Glaedr?

I believe him, but be weary. Ask for Shruikan to send his eldunari next time, that way we will have more proof.

"Murtagh, I believe you on the conditions that you bring us Shruikan's eldunari."

"Eragon, I accept, I will try to do this, but Galbatorix may find out that his dragons eldunari is missing. If I think it will hinder the mission I cannot do this. We must make haste, otherwise Galbatorix's generals will get suspicious. "We cannot injure each other too bad, but we must make it look realistic." "Here are the eldunari Shruikan has given us so far."

As the dragons drew back a fair distance from each other, Saphira was still talking to Thorn.

I will do a maneuver from the right. Fly under me, and then I will scratch you a little. This has to end with you retreating.

Doing just as she said, Thorn got a fair scratch but not lethal. Climbing above Saphira, Murtagh clashed swords with Eragon, who scratched Murtagh a little.

"Was that neccesary??"

Chuckling, Saphira flew forward again but Thorn managed to stay above her. Now Murtagh cutting Eragon on the thigh, he said, "Now were even!"

Thorn, I am going to injure your wing. After will be a good time to retreat.

Now climbing in a circular motion, and cutting to the right of Thorn, Saphira cut his wing with her claw.

Looking to be injured from below, Eragon glanced down and saw the armies clashing, with Thorn retreating in the distance.

"Good luck half-brother," Eragon yelled.

"To you too."

Bye Saphira, Thorn said.

Descending down, the Varden's soldiers looked to be winning the fight, but heard demonic laughter from below, and knew the Empire's soldiers were painless.

Flying below, Saphira torched half of the painless soldiers, while the Varden managed to kill the others.

You have accomplished much today, Eragon and Saphira, I hope Shruikan remains true to his word.

This post has been edited by dabenjita: 26 October 2009 - 11:21 PM

[Dragon eggs from the]

Good chapter, How many Eldunarya does Eragon have after getting those from Murtagh. You never said how many there were.
How could you people rate this story 2*??? I had to rate it 5* to bring it up to 3. He deserves at least 4 for the following reasons:
Originality-He has several interesting plot ideas thus far.
Lenght- Not the longest but a while ago two paragraphs was considered a chapter (opening twenty or so in tom1's)
Pace- He is going a slight bit fast but at least he doesn't have three chapters based on torcher by Galby or politics by the Varden.

[dabenjita]

@Dragon Eggs From The- Can I just call you like, DEFT? Thanks for the comment. That's just the pick-me-up I needed. My first two Chapters were not good, and I did some revising. That is why maybe I got low stars...

Thanks!

[Dragon eggs from the]

You are welcome. It is a good story though. I prefer DFT if you dont mind. The E just looks odd.
Your Reader
DFT

[dabenjita]

I'll keep that in mind..