[murtagh kicks ass]

I got annoyed with everyone using incorerect grammar, and making stories stupid and dodgy in my opinion,. So i created this story.
Let me know whay you think of it eh?

Chapter 1

Eragon gazed down at the Eldunarí that lay covered within his arms and felt a rush of sympathy and protectiveness towards the dragon who was trapped inside the heart of hearts. He hugged the stone closer to his chest and laid a hand upon Saphira, grateful for their companionship.

We can do this, he thought. Galbatorix isn’t invulnerable. He has a weakness, and we can use that weakness against him....We can do this.

We can and we must, said Saphira

For the sake of our friends and our family-

-and for the rest of Alagaësia-

-we must do this.Eragon lifted Glaedr’s Eldunarí over his head, presenting it to the sun and the new day, he smiled, eager for the battles yet to come, so that he and Saphira might finally confront Galbatorix and kill the dark king.

Come little one, we must get some rest.

Yes Saphira, we must agreed Eragon, they were going to have some hard battles ahead of them, and the next was rapidly approaching.


As Eragon and Saphira reached the Varden camp they were greeted by a very worried Katrina, who plied them with questions about Roran, Eragon simply raised his hands, to stop Katrina talking, and once she had simply stated:
"If that ring has not told you that he is dead or close to dying, then he is perfectly safe, and you should be able to find him in the city now that the battle is over, I am sure the both of you could use some rest, eh?"

"Thank you for that again Eragon, you don’t know how indebted to you we are, both of us, and yes, I think I will go and search for him."



Eragon bade her farewell and good luck and left for his tent in the Varden's camp. Once he had deposited Saphira's saddle bags in his tent, he went to the cook houses, where a man by the name of Aaron, met him and asked Eragon if he would like to place a request.

"The food is not for me, but for my dragon, she is too tired to hunt and could do with a meal. Oh, she would also rather something that is alive. What do you want Saphira?"
She sent him an image of a young stag who only had one antler. Eragon told the man and he and a few other stable hands brought the unwilling stag in to Saphira's path. She made short work of the beast, and both Eragon and Saphira made their way back to their tent and quickly fell asleep.




The next morning they were woken by a young boy who Eragon remembered went by the name of Jarsha. He was told to get to Nasuada's as soon as possible, there was some brilliant news to be heard. When he arrived Nasuada, Jeod, Roran, Arya and Blöhdgarm were there as well as some of the council of Elders. As they arrived at Nasuada's command pavilion she beamed "We have some brilliant news Eragon, Jeod here has found a passage that was built into Uru'Baen long before the king took power, we have guessed that not even the dark king himself knows of this. Now all we must do is infiltrate his castle and steal the last egg. The only problem is of who to send."

Eragon's mind was racing, this was what he and the Varden needed most. Still, he decided to confer with Saphira
Who do you think should go?

I think that you should not, because it would leave the Varden open to attack, but it should be an elf, perhaps Arya, but she may also need some security, she will need a travelling companion, what about Blöhdgarm?

They would get the task done very well, you are very wise Saphira.

He then told Nasuada that it would be a good idea if Arya and Blöhdgarm were too go together to retrieve the final egg. He got a look of annoyance from Arya that he had not warned her of her nomination. Blöhdgarm was just accepting the fact, and agreed that one elf was not enough and therefore to risky but two was just right to avoid detection from everything

This post has been edited by murtagh kicks ass: 08 December 2009 - 04:40 AM

[bPhoenix]

You should have double spaces between paragraphs and speeches. Makes it easier to read. Also, it lacks descriptions and emotions. Everything is going by too fast. Take your time to describe what's going on around them, how the area looks, facial expressions, etc. And it's spelled Blödhgarm, not Blöhdgarm.

I'm guessing this takes place immediately after the battle. Katrina doesn't strike me as the type of character that would run into a city while pregnant after a battle to search for her husband, especially since she's got Eragon's ring. She's a smart lady, she'll know that he's alive and well, and would wait at a safe distance for Roran.

Eragon is in love with Arya, or at least he was; I'm not sure how you plan to go about relationships in this story. However, he most definitely regards her as a good friend. I doubt he would so readily accept Saphira's suggestion to let Arya sneak into Uru'baen.

Anyway, like I said earlier, your story is going too fast. You just started the first chapter and you already have something major going on. You've got to slow it down.

[Thunder Gulch]

First of all you shouldn't talk about other people stories like this.

I got sick and tired of everyone using crappy grammar, and making stories all get stupid and therefore really dodgy.

It is their story, and they can make it how ever they want it.

As for your story. Could have done better. Put in some more descriptions. How was the city looking like, after the battle. Which part of the city were they in?

And could use bit of more emotions. Shouldn't Eragon be worried or something like about his only family left in the world.

And I agree with bPhoenix, I don't know the ExA standing in this book. But never-the-less he just won't let Arya go into the dark city.

Anyways good first chapter. Will be keeping an eye on this this.

-OTF

[murtagh kicks ass]

thanks alot for your comments and i will keep them in mind, i started writing this story only today and i am already up to about chapter 13 ish.
and this is also my first story of this kind, and i am tryting to make it tir book 3 into book 4 like it was a trilogy not a saga, Thanks again for recomendations and such
and i am one of those grammar nazi's
i make all my grammar as good as i can (which means to the best of my knowledge) i am only in Yr 9 at school so
and i apologise for any offense if you are not a grammar nazi

[murtagh kicks ass]

Alright chapter 2
hope Ive slowed down enough for all of you

Chapter 2

Three days had passed and the Varden were moving closer to Belatona with every passing day, they had had little news from Blöhdgarm, and Nasuada, Eragon and Roran were starting to get a bit worried, the two elves had left the same day that they had been assigned to the task and were most likely at the gates of Uru'Baen.
The Varden were packing up camp when they heard horns warning them of an attack, however, no army could be seen on the land, and it was not until they looked up that the cries of despair could be heard, because there sat Thorn and Murtagh.


Eragon was still in his armour, fearing that an attack like this would happen, so he jumped on Saphira and she took off to greet their guests. Thorn did not dive or try anything; they just sat there in midair. It was only then that Eragon realise that Murtagh was unarmed, Zar’roc was in the saddle bags, that was obvious enough, and Eragon realised they had not come to fight, but to join the Varden in their quest.
“The time has come where I can once again fight alongside my brother, even if he is only a half”

“I have looked forward to this day Murtagh, but I need your word, and I will also need to examine your mind”

Surprisingly, it was thorn who replied. When we land, this wound that your masters gave us is worse than I feared, the loss of the length of my tail limits my ability to hover and turn.


Saphira flew away from town and over the Jiet River to find a small clearing to land in, both Eragon and Murtagh landed unarmed, and met in the middle of the clearing, it eerily reminded Eragon of the battle of the Burning Plains, where the two brothers had met the first time after the their separation in Farthern Dûr.
Eragon asked Murtagh if he was ready to have his mind inspected, to which Eragon got an affirmative. Eragon exposed his mind and extended his mind out to engulf Murtagh’s. He then sifted through every last scrap of information and memories to find both his true name and if he was still under Galbatorix’s control. Murtagh was found clean and Eragon learned his true name, and made Murtagh swear to never again serve Galbatorix.
“As you are my brother, Murtagh, I have seen fit to forgive you of all your misdeeds, however, both the dwarves and the elves may not be so happy to do so, you killed the dwarven king and the elves last rider, Nasuada, may be just as lenient as me, as you have a thing for her, don’t you”

“I wish I could’ve hidden that from you at least, I don’t want Nasuada to know how I think of her. And I will ask you not to tell, anyone at all.”

In the ancient language Eragon stated, “I swear”

We need to head back to camp and alert Nasuada and Orik and then use the scrying glass to tell Islanzadi. He will also have to apologise and repent for his ways recently, to all three leaders.

This post has been edited by murtagh kicks ass: 27 October 2009 - 02:10 AM

[murtagh kicks ass]

I'm guessing this takes place immediately after the battle. Katrina doesn't strike me as the type of character that would run into a city while pregnant after a battle to search for her husband, especially since she's got Eragon's ring. She's a smart lady, she'll know that he's alive and well, and would wait at a safe distance for Roran.

Eragon is in love with Arya, or at least he was; I'm not sure how you plan to go about relationships in this story. However, he most definitely regards her as a good friend. I doubt he would so readily accept Saphira's suggestion to let Arya sneak into Uru'baen.

To answer you Pheonix, he is sending arya because he trusts her and he does not want the egg getting stolen and then the theif running off with it like it did for Saphira.

and katrina is only aobut a months pregnant at this time, so it is not so bad going into the city ber herself, so yes she is intelligent.

and maybe my story isnt as well thought as i thought it was, but still, i like it

[murtagh kicks ass]

Chapter 3

Later that night Arya was sitting next to Eragon watching Murtagh closely. They were sitting around a large fire, and Murtagh was apologising to Nasuada and swearing his fealty to her.


The Varden were ten leagues away from Belatona. They were set to travel most of the way, set up camp, and wait until night fall. Eragon spontaneously decided he would try to scry Arya, and found that they were only a league away with a very heavy pack in tow, as well as a few hundred horsemen pursuing them and gaining. Eragon yelled at Murtagh to get up and on Thorn. There was a fight to be had. Eragon and Saphira were in the air seconds before Murtagh and Thorn. They quickly made their way to the eastern gate and dropped down just in front of Arya and Blöhdgarm, who sprinted between the two dragons, and into the safety of camp, jumping over the trench that had been dug around the camp like only elves could.



Murtagh and Eragon jumped down and drew their swords.

“For those of you who don’t know, this, is Murtagh and Zar’roc, and I am Eragon Shadeslayer, and this, my beautiful sword, is Brisingr,” and with that last word, his sword caught fire. The two riders made short work of the men darting from one to the other, constantly covering each other’s backs. All the horses were captured for King Orrin’s cavalry, which would need a clean from the blood that was spurting from severed limbs and heads and necks. It wasn’t so much a fair fight as a massacre.

"Did you enjoy that dance, brother"

"Yes Murtagh, I did"
Eragon contacted Arya and was told to meet her at Nasuada’s tent at midday.


When Eragon arrived at Nasuada’s tent, all those who she deemed worthy of a dragon were there, Roran, Horst, Jeod, Birgit and others. They were all told to place a hand on the egg for ten minutes each, if the egg hatched, they would fly into the spine with Murtagh and Eragon to begin training immediately.
It lay on the table emitting a profound lack of action for anyone.
Arya and Blöhdgarm had a turn each.
It again denied both a dragon.
Then Eragon had a brilliant idea, he called for Orik and some of his most decent dwarfs.
Again, the egg did not hatch for any of the dwaves.

[i]Attempting to make the dragon hatch for a dwarf was a smart move, though they werent included in the pact. the dwarves here just are not right for it. We should get an egg to hatch for a dwarf in the future. i can feel it that it will[/u]

This post has been edited by murtagh kicks ass: 27 October 2009 - 02:16 AM

[Dragon eggs from the]

1) There are several fanfics, such as mine and ESB's where Murtagh survives so you might want to change your title so it doesn't say (Original eh)
2) It is a bit short, try to include detail so that it is longer
3) Something interesting seems to happen in all the chapters, chapter 1 They find a way to enter Uru'baen, chapter 2, Murtagh joins the Varden, Chapter 3 Arya and Blodhgarm get back with the egg and Murtagh + Eragon kill of loads of Solders, the egg denies Arya and Blodhgarm and the dwarves arrive.
4) Dwarves could never be Riders as they were never included in the pack between Dragons, Elves and Humans.

Plot is quite good however, keep writing, DFT

[Burrosis]

Like Orik said you really shouldn't talk about people's writing like this.

I got sick and tired of everyone using crappy grammar, and making stories all get stupid and therefore really dodgy. so i created this story
let me know whay you think of it

Also, if you don't like other's grammar, maybe you should fix your own opening statement. You are missing three capitalizations and two periods, on top of the first sentence really not being coherent.

This post has been edited by Burrosis: 26 October 2009 - 08:19 AM

[murtagh kicks ass]

1) There are several fanfics, such as mine and ESB's where Murtagh survives so you might want to change your title so it doesn't say (Original eh)

Sorry but i dont know how to change the title. As you can see i have only been a member for a few days, so my apologies. But all the ones that i read killed off murtagh in a not-too-glamourous way, where it went, Murtagh saved someone, and died.
No further mention of the pair.

That just did not cut it for me, so i started writing. And for everyone who reads this and thinks it is going a bit TOO fast, that unfortunately is basically me writing style. A lot happens in not much time, and i try to make it as exciting as possible.

I really appreciate all your comments and feedback and i hope you enjoy my story.

This post has been edited by murtagh kicks ass: 26 October 2009 - 04:33 PM

[murtagh kicks ass]

Alright. Next chapter is here. NO idea what you guys are going to think, but those E+A fans should be excited.

Chapter 4

Nasuada dismissed everyone from her tent so she could converse with King Orrin to help him choose some men who would be well suited to become the next Dragon Rider. That trial would be carried out the next day, in the meantime, Arya asked Eragon to meet her in her tent at dusk. She said that she had something for him.


Arriving at Arya's tent Eragon went inside and was surprised to find the place much bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. The tent was huge. Saphira could almost fit inside completely; it was by far bigger than Nasuada's tent.

“I have placed wards around this tent so that none may hear what happens in here.”
She took a step towards him

“And what exactly, happens in her?”

“That will come later, but first, do you know why I kept rejecting you? Wether you think you do or you don’t, I am going to have to explain it, so either way i need to tell you. When we first met in Gil’ead, I was still mourning after my soul mate, Faolin. I knew that he had been slain and that I was almost completely responsible. So I was feeling guilty and heartbroken. Once you came and rescued me, I appreciated your help, at least that’s what I thought, I later realised, with some assistance, that you reminded me much of Faolin. So I didn’t want you to get in harms way, much like you tried to do at Farthern Dûr. It was only until recently that gentle coaxing from my mother, and some wise words form Blöhdgarm, and others in whom I trust that I realised that we felt similarly towards you.”

He took a step towards her and gave her a warm embrace, showing his empathy towards her.
“Thats not all that happens in here is it Arya? Just you apologising?”

“No it isn't. Tonight I make amends for the past.”
She released him and took off his tunic, and then he took off hers very slowly. They were standing so close they could feel the warmth of each others breath on their exposed chests.

She leaned in and kissed him passionately. The kiss lasted a long time for Eragon, though it was not longer than five or so seconds, they broke apart and stared lovingly into each other’s eyes. He held her cheek in his hand and wiped away her tears with his thumb. “No more of that now Arya. Live in the present not the past, remember so that you can learn in the future.”

“Is that wisdom I hear from you Eragon?”

“I have absolutely no idea”

Saphira then cast her thoughts to the both of them Yes, it most certainly is Arya. Enjoy yourselves!
They stared into each others eyes once more before their lips joined again, only coming up for air when absolutely needed.

****

Outside the tent, Murtagh was on his way to Nasuada's tent, to conduct some unofficial business talking to the queen of the elves, when he noticed that Arya’s tent just two blocks away, was silent, despite two people being inside. That is incredibly strange. Both Arya and Eragon are in there. I should probably check if they are alright, shouldn’t I Thorn? With a sigh thorn just replied Yes, Murtagh you probably should. But be prepared to leave.
Investigating, he walked in and found Eragon and Arya, sprawled over the bed, fiercely enjoying each other.
He took Thorns advice and walked out smiling to himself as he went.

****

Arya woke up the next morning earlier than she ever had and felt cold. She felt sick. She got up, ran across the room and had a spew in the corner.

This post has been edited by murtagh kicks ass: 27 October 2009 - 02:18 AM

[Alexanderthorn]

Yes, good start!

And ok. Everything seems like it's flying by really quick. Try to slow down a little just as the others have said.
But I do like the events that have taken place so far.

Oh and whenever there's dialogue, double space when people are talking so the reader doesn't get confused.

Keep it up

AT

[murtagh kicks ass]

Keep it up

AT

Do not mind if i do at all. I am currently in the process of writing chapter 13 and that should be posted by sometime next week, if not earlier.
thanks AT

[Dragon eggs from the]

Lol. I like the way Murtagh walks in on them. Still, you still need more emotions.
You can edit the title and put in polls and stuff by clicking Edit on your first post and then doing full edit. Hope this help, DFT

[murtagh kicks ass]

Ok

@DFT apparently i have trouble putting emotion in to my writing. I was re writing that scene for an hour and a half,
ROFLMAO

And i just couldnt resist making someone walk in on them. Wouldve been boring eh?
i also intended for a lack of description so the reader can imagine anything they would wish in there.