[Sir Dystic]

Chapter One - Draumr Kópa (dream stare)


“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Eragon screamed as he watched the great black dragon, mammoth of the skies rip the partner of his life, heart and soul out of the sky. He poured his energy into her ruined form as she plummeted to the ground. The sky was on fire, the ground beneath them barren and black, it was a truly dead place but Eragon saw none of this. His world had condensed to a black cloud with only one feature: pain. Eragon gasped as another wave of Saphira's pain flew over the connection, tears poured down his face. ‘No, Saphira! Please, not like this! Please don’t die. We can’t die yet; we have so much to do, think of the dragons Saphira. They need you, please don’t die it will kill me as well and this world needs the both of us a while longer’. Saphira shook and tried to lift her long majestic neck stained in the gore of batter, the melted ruins of her armour and her own blood from the hundreds of deep gorges Shrukian had run over her body.

Eragon turned as Shrukian landed near to them and tried desperately to rise as the armour clad Galbatorix descended from his greatest, and yet most unloyal servant. Eragon focused on him through his pain filled, dimming vision but couldn’t see anything of Galbatorix anyway because he wore armour made from a metal as black as coal. Every inch of him was covered in plates of the metal, which was astoundingly thick. Eragon was able to register a dragon might not penetrate that armour. It was covered in ridges and spikes and made him look like some sort of demon from the stories his father had told as a child. “You see? It was futile to think you could beat me. Before I kill you. I want you to know what you have done. The great synopsis of your life!” his voice was a sneer made sound, like black honey. Silky smooth and black to the very core. It was a voice of arrogance and cruelty. Pain and madness.

“I want you to know that everything that has happened is YOUR fault! I do not know what it is about you Eragon, you have a gift. I openly acknowledge that you have a gift that I do not but I am glad I do not share this with you. For YOU, Eragon, have the power to make people so loyal to you they will gladly die. This gift is a curse and a misplaced one at that! From the moment Saphira hatched for you you have done nothing but use and abuse peoples trust in you. You could have joined me as my most powerful follower and together we could have rebuilt the race of dragons, sore to it that humans prosper under a single banner, befriended the elves, the dwarves and the Urgals. But no! YOU wanted power for yourself and you abused the trust people had in you to make not just individuals die for you, but for entire races to cast their lot with you. To die, just so you could have power over all. You tricked them into thinking you were powerful enough to overthrow me and rule yourself! To extinction you sent them! The Elves, the Dwarves, the Urgals, the Razac, the Dragons and the Varden! All of them extinct, all of them for you! Powerful? BAH!!! You know nothing of power young Eragon. Look at your partner now! Hah! You are too weak to save her from the looming void, we fought today not as equals, but you fought me as a disillusioned little boy with a pet who dared to challenge the all powerful, all knowing leader of the Empire. It is your wyrd not to fail as was your fathers, but to kill. How many lives have you and the innocent creature dying before you killed together? How many more have been killed by those fighting in your name? Let me tell you, ALL of them! All of the species or groups who fought for you are dead and those a little closer to perhaps as well yes? Roran and Katrina are dead. Nausda, Orrin and Orik are dead. Saphira is dying. Arya, she who spurned you for the boy you are, is dead. They are ALL dead Eragon and I name YOU, here and now, responsible. Go now to your death with your partner knowing that you are responsible for all of this! So much death for you and your corrupt little dreams Eragon. You are the cause of extinction Eragon and even in the act of death you will cause yet more. For as yours and Saphira’s spirits settle into the blackness of the void so too will the last hope of the dragons. You doom them to eventual extinction as well. I applaud your commitment.”

Galbatorix showed his insanity by speaking faster and faster, the words tumbling from his mouth, delighting in the reaction he was having as his words cut deeper than even the dying Saphira did. Eragon was whimpering and crying and groping the ground like a new born child. He rambled and spit frothed at his mouth at the words. “Go now”announced Galbatorix “Knowing your are the cause of all the misery in the world Eragon, and you and your failures will haunt this land forever more. Think on that for all eternity in the void. Now look upon thy fate.”

Eragon looked through dull eyes, on this the worst day of his life. Tears poured down his face and misery squirmed through his body, sending it into spasm. He looked and said in naught but a whisper “Please!” Galbatorix laughed a cold chilling screech and said “My pleasure”. He raised his huge black blade high above his head and staring straight into Eragon’s eyes from the slits in his magnificent spiked helmet brought it down upon him.
Eragon watched without a care for self preservation, he only wanted a release form the mind numbing guilt .He watched as the blade came flashing down, he felt the pain and then saw the blackness but...NO!!! Even here the ghost of the dead haunted him “We blame you Eragon” they intoned. Oromis and Brom stood in the distance shaking their head but as Eragon watched they turned their back on him and marched off. “No...Please don’t leave me...I’m sorry... tried!!” Eragon cried and gasped but nothing changed. Eragon looked up into the nothingness and screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...



...OOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Eragon woke with a gasp, drenched in sweat and shaking with fear and shock in his tent.”A dream?” he asked himself before he fainted, collapsing on his cot and his scared and over stretched mind retreated into the black folds of a coma.

This post has been edited by Sir Dystic: 05 December 2009 - 02:15 PM

[Sir Dystic]

I haven't been a member and th moderators scare me so i decided to rate this story V for violence but it shouldn't be any more so than the books are. sorry if thats why you read but hope you'll stick with it anyways i decided to put V because i thouhgt it was better to be on the safe side.
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changed my mind and removed it if a chapter comes up i will add as and when i need

This post has been edited by Sir Dystic: 26 October 2009 - 04:14 PM

[Dempton]

Actually Eragon never knew Brom as his father while he was a baby.Apart from that,I can't spot mistakes yet.Keep going as it seems to be a promising fanfic.

[Pixel]

I try not to be scary.

Anyways, if you think there should be a violence tag on your story, go ahead and put one. Try not to double post unless you are adding another chapter, and also use correct grammar and punctuation.

As for critique:

...OOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Eragon woke with a gasp, drenched in sweat and shaking with fear and shock in his tent.”A dream?” he asked himself before he feinted, collapsing on his cot and his scared and over stretched mind retreated into the black folds of coma he just heard a distant roar...

I think that "feinted" should be "fainted".

There should be an "a" after "folds of". The sentence also seems to start running to long after you put in "he just heard a distant roar..."

[Sir Dystic]

I try not to be scary.

Anyways, if you think there should be a violence tag on your story, go ahead and put one. Try not to double post unless you are adding another chapter, and also use correct grammar and punctuation.

As for critique:

...OOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Eragon woke with a gasp, drenched in sweat and shaking with fear and shock in his tent.”A dream?” he asked himself before he feinted, collapsing on his cot and his scared and over stretched mind retreated into the black folds of coma he just heard a distant roar...

I think that "feinted" should be "fainted".

There should be an "a" after "folds of". The sentence also seems to start running to long after you put in "he just heard a distant roar..."

Thank you for your adivce i have done as you suggested. sorry about the double post as i said i'm new and it wont happen again.

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I have Chapter two ready to post but wont until i have a few comments because frankly i have no self confidence and dot want to right a fanfic if it is only for people to laugh at.

This post has been edited by Sir Dystic: 25 October 2009 - 10:06 AM

[Sir Dystic]

Chapter Two - Hljödhr (silence)

Saphira felt Eragon finally wake and as she had suspected the moment he was conscious the paralyzing effect he had been sub-consciously sending down their link lifted and she was able to move. She had no idea what had happened that made Eragon so distressed but she knew it was another dream even though it was worse than any he had ever had before. His mind had not been shielded but had simply been filled with so much pain that Saphira could find no way in to comfort him or gain any entrance into his thoughts. He had stopped caring, and that was more effective than any mental armour.

Now she reached for him with her mind whilst she leapt to her feet and charges towards the tent. His mental defences were once again up as normal but she could sense so much pain in him. That was when she felt his mind slip away as if it wasn’t there. There was a hole in the world where Eragon was supposed to be. She pushed her head through the material-for-warmth and saw Eragon lying on his cot-for-sleeping-on-made-from-wood and immediately she noticed the problem, Eragon wasn’t moving whatsoever. He was deathly still. Saphira raised her head and roared her anguish and confusion to the skies. The pointed-ears-two-legs came running to her while she shouted with her mind for Arya. The elves saw Eragon lying so still and rushed around him. The next five minutes passed as they rushed around him, conferring with each other. Saphira cared little, her thoughts were all on Eragon and she nearly attacked the pointed-ears-two-legs for not returning Eragon’s mind to his body. Arya sprinted through the flap of the tent at the other side of the tent as Saphira’s head was through the other flap. She rushed to Eragon’s form and began questioning his guards. Eventually she turned to Eragon, laid her hand on his head with her back to Saphira, nodded once and turned and walked over to Saphira. Laying her hand on her nose Arya allowed Saphira into her mind, what Saphira found was far from encouraging. She didn’t delve deeper but waited for Arya to tell her.

“What happened to him Saphira? He has regressed into a self educed coma! And because he did it to himself, even if only subconsciously, there’s nothing we can do. I feel so helpless! We need him Saphira.”She frowned at Saphira making her funny-but-must-not-tell-her-so eyebrows touch in the middle but Saphira was too worried to find that amusing, she said “A dream, I don’t know what, his mind was so filled with pain I could not enter and when I probed it his mind froze me in place and contained my mind by smothering it with his. It was like drowning. Will he wake up?” She was barely able to contain her worry. “I don’t know! There are no answers in this extreme branch of injuries; all cases are unique in their own right. We need to talk to him and hope he wakes up, for without him all is lost.”

Saphira sensed something wrong within Arya and used it to pull herself out of her despair. Quietly, stealthily as a mouse she slipped through Arya’s mind and examined this rogue thought. “Arya!!!” she exclaimed “How long have you felt like this about Eragon?” Arya stammered “Not long! I don’t know! I Don’t! My feelings towards Eragon are of that of a friend and nothing more! He is a child! He wrongly perused me! He is a friend and barely that! Nay, he is an annoyance with power so I am forced to spend time with him.’ Something about Arya obviously lying angered Saphira “Arya my rider, partner of my heart and soul, is lying in a coma in a cot a few feet from me. The Varden’s prospects have never looked bleaker and rather than coming up with a good excuse I could have let drop you instead make no effort to lie convincingly and then insult him. I see your feelings, snake tongue! You can’t hide from me, you love him accept it or remove yourself from him. I was not content with you being friends when he still loves you so but it made him happy. Now I find you love him but whether it be because you cannot get over your grief from the death of other previous lovers or simply because you can’t bear to give up your hard exterior and loose your political edge with your mother with the ‘suffer in silence, I’m risking my life for humans’ edge you refuse to tell him and insult him! You are using him like some sick joke! Taking what you want, using him as a shoulder to cry on. Well he has enough of his own problems and having learnt what I learnt today you would do well to avoid him and myself. Leave now, Snake!” Arya first look hurt then shamed as Saphira revealed her secrets but finally anger crossed her face “So what Saphira! I use him as a friend would and he uses me as a friend would, the fact I am not his friend but love him is irrelevant, also you had no right to go wondering in my head!”

Arya turned on her heel and was halfway to the tent flap when a mental blow from Saphira sent her reeling. “How dare you!!!” Saphira’s vast consciousness rolled through Arya’s head.”You love him but won’t tell him because it would make you normal and you can’t stand that can you youngling? Be gone, As head dragon of the new riders I herby declare you enemy of the order of the riders and tell you we shall work with you for the good of the Varden but from now on you should consider no dragon rider or dragon your friend for we are neither friends nor enemies. We are above you Snake! Now be gone! My rider is sick and I whish to tend to him without being chocked by snake!” Arya looked up at Saphira from the floor. Saphira had declared she was an enemy of the order to the entire room; luckily she had not projected the first sentence to all. Let them draw their own conclusion. Arya stood tall and said “As you wish O-Dragon. You will take away that which I want because I abuse it? Very well. Watch me regress back to before Eragon new me O-Dragon. Good day” with that she left the tent with her head held high and it wasn’t until she reached her own tent and was safely inside she allowed the tears to fall. “Eragon” she whispered through the tears “I use
you, yes. But how can I live without that which I now depend on”

Saphira was furious, she knew she couldn’t tell Eragon the truth but he would want a very good excuse why she had declared Arya and enemy of himself. She called Nausda and informed her of what had happened who spent the rest of the afternoon fussing over Eragon. Only when she had left did she call Angela and inform her of what had happened. As she had expected Angela insisted on seeing Eragon and soon arrived at the tent. After getting past the tent she immediately rushed to Eragon and examined him, muttering phrases in the ancient language over him. “I know this!” she exclaimed. “Can you heal him?” Saphira practically begged. Angela nodded once then set to work, mixing potions, grinding herbs and pulping strange looking fruits.

Finally she had a drink and dropped a small bit down Eragon’s through. He suddenly coughed and leapt up away from everyone. He looked liked a spooked rabbit in front of Saphira, but when he saw Saphira he relaxed and rushed to her. They spent some time just with each other but eventually Eragon returned to bed and told Saphira and Angela about his dream. Eragon felt immensely weak and tired and Saphira noticed that his eyes were different. Older somehow, immensely sad. He had seen too much for anyone regardless of their age. His consciousness had become bigger after the dragons had worked their change in him but now it was bigger again as it seemed the dream had matured his mind and made his consciousness more powerful in the process. The increased knowledge and wisdom meant his conscious was now bigger than any she had ever encountered; such was the amount of responsibility, knowledge and wisdom found in it. It was even bigger than Oromis’s had been. Saphira was horrified and started trying to comfort Eragon but Angela just nodded and said “I wouldn’t worry about it Eragon, what you saw were the effects of a spell. It’s a horrible spell used to make people see the worst possible interpretation of their lives, indeed the few times I saw it in use the victims either died or entered coma’s.

“How did you know the spell then? If it’s so horrible who would use it?” Eragon asked his eyes filled with pain and some relief that it was a spell not premonition. Angela looked sadly into something very far away. “I know because my son invented it in front of me to use against the riders.” When Eragon and Saphira looked at her, Eragon’s face showing more comprehensible confusion but both of them immensely curious she added in a quiet voice whilst looking at her feet “My son... Galbatorix”

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my mistake last time was i wrote chpater two immeditly after chapter one so sorry but im not writing chapter three until after i have had soem comments be they praise or contructive i dont mind. hope u enjoyed it anyway.

This post has been edited by Sir Dystic: 25 October 2009 - 10:53 AM

[Fireball123]

wow, what a twist. Soon we'll find everyone is related to each other in a big family tree.

[Lemon Drop Kid]

I agree with Fireball123, maybe in the end we'll find out that Angela was somehow Oromis' daughter or something.
Man, you really are one unorthodox writer. Of all the fanfics that I've read, there's only one which has Saphira hating Arya, but even that was just disapproval, if I remember correctly. And you did really well on making Arya an extraordinarily ungrateful character even though she is your favourite character.

The twist of Angela's ... well, sure didn't see that one coming!
Just curious, but is this an ExA fic?
Your reader, eraphira

[Sir Dystic]

I agree with Fireball123, maybe in the end we'll find out that Angela was somehow Oromis' daughter or something.
Man, you really are one unorthodox writer. Of all the fanfics that I've read, there's only one which has Saphira hating Arya, but even that was just disapproval, if I remember correctly. And you did really well on making Arya an extraordinarily ungrateful character even though she is your favourite character.

The twist of Angela's ... well, sure didn't see that one coming!
Just curious, but is this an ExA fic?
Your reader, eraphira

Begging you forgivness but as i have said i'm new and despite trying i dont actually know what all of these obreviations actually mean? ExA??? sorry.
Is unorthodox good? i pride myself on being different from the other fanfics that are all the same.

[Savasung88]

Wow

This is surely is one interesting fan-fic.

Only problems that I spotted were small spelling errors and maybe put a little more emotion into your charachters.

Oh yeah i forgot, try and make new paragraphs for your talking or mind talking. It makes it easier to understand if someone said it and who said it.

But other than that it is a very promising fanfic and I promise to keep reading.

Ps. ExA means that eragon and arya will get together, just like TxS means thorn and saphira and MxN means Murtagh and Nasuada.

[Dragonlord01]

I agree with Fireball123, maybe in the end we'll find out that Angela was somehow Oromis' daughter or something.
Man, you really are one unorthodox writer. Of all the fanfics that I've read, there's only one which has Saphira hating Arya, but even that was just disapproval, if I remember correctly. And you did really well on making Arya an extraordinarily ungrateful character even though she is your favourite character.

The twist of Angela's ... well, sure didn't see that one coming!
Just curious, but is this an ExA fic?
Your reader, eraphira

Begging you forgivness but as i have said i'm new and despite trying i dont actually know what all of these obreviations actually mean? ExA??? sorry.
Is unorthodox good? i pride myself on being different from the other fanfics that are all the same.

ExA means Eragon X Arya, and is when Eragon and Arya fall in love.
MxN means Murtagh X Nasuada, for the same reason as above.
SxT is Saphira X Thorn, and SxS is Saphira X Shiruken(spelling?)
Being unorthodox is a compliment in this case, as he is using it to discribe how different your story is from most others. I like the story so far; the part with Saphira angry at Arya was well written and unexpected. Hopefully they both can reconcile their feelings, but I'm worried about how this will turn out as everyone knows about Saphira's proclaimation.
If I missed any abbreviations(again, sp?) just let me know and I will try to explain them.
Oh, in other topics Galby refers to Galbatorix, but most people don't use the abbreviations in stories.


Oh man, someone posted before me. Oh well.

This post has been edited by Dragonlord01: 25 October 2009 - 03:10 PM

[Burrosis]

Wow. You have a great story here. That was definitely a different way to make Eragon stronger.

ExA is an abbreviation for a story that uses the Eragon and Arya story line that ends up with them together.
Same concept for SxT (Saphira and Thorn) SxG (Saphira and Greenie) et cetera.

Yes you definitely do have something that is very different from the other stories and that is a good thing. It is refreshing to read something this original.

Keep it up and I hope you get your next chapter up soon.

[bPhoenix]

The story itself is very interesting. However, I think you're telling it too fast, especially in chapter two. In just one chapter, you found out Arya's in love with Eragon but not willing to admit it, Saphira declaring Arya an enemy of Riders and dragons, Eragon gains more knowledge than Oromis through a dream (that in itself was probably the least realistic thing; no way he can gain more than Oromis's hundreds of years worth of knowledge through just one dream), and Angela is Galbatorix's mother. You gotta slow it down. A lot.

Also, you got to work on descriptions. Some parts were really rushed, such as the part where Arya went back to her tent. She barely cried over her loss of Eragon and she notified both Nasuada and Angela of the situation, all in two paragraphs.

And you had no indications at all when you switched from the Saphira PoV to the Arya PoV, then back.

But like I said earlier, your story is most definitely a unique one. Far different than any other that I've read, and that's a good thing. Hope to read the next chapter soon.

This post has been edited by bPhoenix: 25 October 2009 - 03:44 PM

[Sir Dystic]

I need to know the next chapter is quite long and is Angelas description adn then another event. i could split it but it would make the Angela chapter informative but a bit lacking in anything happening.
?????????????//thoughts???????????????????????

[Burrosis]

Do what you need to do, man. Whichever way you choose you will have plenty of people reading it. I just hope you get it out soon.