[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

Hello everyone! Here's a poem I wrote. It was inspired by a dream I had, where Paolini's characters showed up! Critique, of course is welcome


As darkness descends,
Shrouding the world in eerie silence
A lone candle smoulders
Long forgotten memories stir,
Seeking to conceal themselves in ever deeper recesses,
Like the shadows of a thief slinking away into the night
Awareness heightened by apprehension,
Everything seems bound in sharp obscurity
Warmth creeps away from my fingertips
I pull the shawl closer around myself and huddle up
My mind extends and takes flight
Unbidden memories fly to the surface of my consciousness,
Of how, that day, you strode into the midst of my dreams,
Black hair flying behind you,
Your features fierce and unyielding
Enthralled as I was by your impassioned eloquence,
I cannot bring to mind your words,
However hard I try
I will drift, haunted in the black confines of uncertainty, forever more
And with the knowledge that I may never be,
As intense, profound, compelling,
As effortless

This post has been edited by SnapeandMurtagh ROCK: 29 October 2009 - 04:03 AM

[Rachiepoo]

Wow, this is an awesome poem! It is really well written

This post has been edited by Rachiepoo: 30 October 2009 - 09:57 PM

[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

Thanks Rachiepoo!

[Byakko]

This is really good, you convey your emotions really well. I look forward to seeing anything else of yours

[giorgia]

I agree. So well-written and different from others I may say.

[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

I agree. So well-written and different from others I may say.

This is really good, you convey your emotions really well. I look forward to seeing anything else of yours

Thank you Here's another one then!
I got the idea for this one while reading ‘The White Birds’ by W. B. Yeats. It is one of my favourites, and brings me to tears each time I read it. If you’re interested, here it is.

I waited for the meteor,
On the hills I knew so well
By the scented woods that were my home
It came
Blazing across the sky,
Like an all-knowing entity,
Of endless wisdom
Laughing with twinkling eye,
At my ignorance,
My insignificance
It held the breadth of my dreams,
All I held dear
I looked at it with wonder,
With reverence
It was the embodiment of mystery
A glorious awakening
I rejoiced at its beauty,
Undying
Forever undiminished
Then it passed out of my field of vision,
Taking with it my essence,
Leaving me an empty shell
Devoid of meaning
Now I wander
Directionless
While my soul roams the universe
Imparting wonder,
To the millions,
Who gaze upon the mighty face,
Of the meteor

[giorgia]

I agree. So well-written and different from others I may say.

This is really good, you convey your emotions really well. I look forward to seeing anything else of yours

Thank you Here's another one then!
I got the idea for this one while reading 'The White Birds' by W. B. Yeats. It is one of my favourites, and brings me to tears each time I read it. If you're interested, here it is.

I waited for the meteor,
On the hills I knew so well
By the scented woods that were my home
It came
Blazing across the sky,
Like an all-knowing entity,
Of endless wisdom
Laughing with twinkling eye,
At my ignorance,
My insignificance
It held the breadth of my dreams,
All I held dear
I looked at it with wonder,
With reverence
It was the embodiment of mystery
A glorious awakening
I rejoiced at its beauty,
Undying
Forever undiminished
Then it passed out of my field of vision,
Taking with it my essence,
Leaving me an empty shell
Devoid of meaning
Now I wander
Directionless
While my soul roams the universe
Imparting wonder,
To the millions,
Who gaze upon the mighty face,
Of the meteor

Oh great!! I can feel the emotions!!! AWesome!!!..

--gg

P.S. My friends are late!!!..Oh they're so annoying!!!

[Arget Kveykva]

The poem was great, it didn't rhyme, but it had a flow that matched the topic well. everything seemed to fit right in together. The only thing that didn't make sense to me was the, "Sharp obscurity" , part. Obscurity is more like a blur, and clearness is sharp. Obscurity is often described as a haze, fog, cloud. Clarity is described as crystal, sharp and clear. Did you do this on purpose? In a way I think it adds to the poem, putting a little bit of a twist on things.

[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

Oh great!! I can feel the emotions!!! AWesome!!!..

--gg

Thank you!

The poem was great, it didn't rhyme, but it had a flow that matched the topic well. everything seemed to fit right in together. The only thing that didn't make sense to me was the, "Sharp obscurity" , part. Obscurity is more like a blur, and clearness is sharp. Obscurity is often described as a haze, fog, cloud. Clarity is described as crystal, sharp and clear. Did you do this on purpose? In a way I think it adds to the poem, putting a little bit of a twist on things.

Thanks! I'm glad you like it!

Oh I'm glad you brought that up. Yeah I know what they mean, I did do it on purpose

Ok, let me see if I can explain this... Have you ever been wide awake in the dark? You know where the furniture, objects, etc. around you are; not their exact positions, but a rough idea.

Also, have you ever walked around in the dark? You know how wary you get, trying not to bump into stuff?
Like, say you know that a wall or something is somewhere ahead of you, vaguely, but the knowledge that walking into it will really hurt, makes you all the more careful, making it all the more deserving of caution.

I saw that as making it sort of 'sharper', even though it was swathed in darkness.

Uh, does that make sense?!

And yeah, I can't rhyme for nuts. All my writing is in free verse. I've tried writing stuff that rhymes, but it turns out to be really cheesy and laughable

This post has been edited by SnapeandMurtagh ROCK: 19 November 2009 - 02:10 AM

[shenori]

I love it it is very depressing.

[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

I love it it is very depressing.

Thanks shenori!

[Blazing Elf]

I liked it. It was very deep, it had emotion good rhythm too.

~BE

[SnapeandMurtagh ROCK]

Thank you, Blazing Elf!