[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

Ch.1 Rahim and Rahman

CH.2 Twins, Two men, and a dragon

Ch.3 Catching up

Ch.4 Bandits, Horses, and a Different Course

Ch.5 Inner Fury

Ch.6 The Tower of Light

Ch.7 Training

Ch.8 Explanations

Ch.9 Life or Death

Ch. 10 A Surprise

Ch.11 A Shade of Evil

Ch. 12 Death, Grief, and Hope

Ch. 13 The Separation

Ch. 14 In Hell

Ch. 15 The Green Hero has Come

Ch. 16 The Wardens

Ch. 17 Paragrind, The Gates of Paradise!

Ch. 18 The Sign

Ch. 19 Answers

Ch. 20 War Preparations Part 1

Ch. 20 War Preparations Part 2

Ch. 21 The Sand Dragon

Ch. 22 The Siege of Paragrind

Ch. 23 The Duel of the Century

Ch. 24 The Deserts Storm

Ch. 25 Conclusions

Ch. 26 Departing

Ch. 27 Among the Elite

Ch. 28 A Real Nightmare

Ch.29 A Damsel in Distress

Ch. 30 Sisters

Ch. 31 A Journey Complete

Ch. 32 The Forest of Stone

Ch. 33 Farthen Dur

Ch. 34 Vrangr


Ch. 35 Brom

Ch. 36 A Test of Strength

Ch. 37 A Brilliant Surprise

Ch. 38 Welcome to the Rangers

Ch. 39 The Queen Arrives

Ch. 40 Rebellion in the Surdan Peninsula

Ch. 41 Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Ch.42 The Frozen Beast

Ch. 43 The Truth of the Beast

Ch. 44 Peaceful Wings

ok I have come up with a awesome idea to write about how Surda was founded it gonna be
awesome!!! please rate and post .dammit the server upgrade ruined all my sh**!


Prologue

It was a dark night, a very dark night in Aberon. People were coming out of their houses and gathering in the streets. All of a sudden lights of all colors flashed in the sky. Then there was the crack of fireworks and their amazing glow. People were is celebrating, dancing,singing, and even crying. It was the fortieth year of independence from the terrible empire and it's evil king.

The atmosphere was happy and full of excitement, children played in the street, adults sang and danced, and then there was the parade through the center of town. The king himself was in the parade. People went crazy when they saw him, for he was their sign of hope and freedom. His name was King Orrin.

Everyone in Surda loved King Orrin he was their savior and guardian, they would do anything for him even fight the empire.

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A boy walked among the crowd. He was amazed at all the festive sights. He walked to the main road and saw the parade. What he saw there fascinated him. He saw rows of men with huge drums wearing golden and red outfits. Then he saw a float that looked like Galbatorix, the fascinating thing was that it was on fire, but not any normal fire. The fire was of every color of the rainbow. And then he saw the king of Surda. Everybody got on their knees and bowed as he passed by. It was an honor to be in his presence.

The boy walked home when all the festivities were done. When he got home his mom was there. His mom asked

"How was it sweetie?"

"It was great!"

" Do you know what they're celebrating?"

"No"

"They're celebrating the independence from the empire, do you want me to tell you the story about Rahim and Rahman?"

"Yes please"

"Okay it starts back fifty years ago in the empire.......


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what you think???

next chap begin the story

This post has been edited by Shadeslayer Asrafel: 10 March 2010 - 08:59 PM

[Dragon eggs from the]

... Ok, I noticed several things wrong with that such as capitalisation, grammer and many other things. Please correct it. Until then few people will post.
DFT

[Aramus Shurtugal]

My correrctions are in blue. My suggestions are in red. And my comments are in grean.

this is my fanfic it takes place 1 day after brisingr

Ch.1 Victory
Eragon awoke steadily How can you wake up steadily? from his cot. He shivered, it was cold in feinister Capitalize the F. He got dressed and as he was walking out of the tent saphira Capitalize the S said.
Space
"good Capitalize the G morning, mighty hero."
Space
"morning mighty dragon."
Space
eragon Capitalize the E said as he waqlked It's spelled walked outside of his tent . he Capitalize the H saw the 12 You aren't supposed to use numbers, it's spelled twelve elves that were sent to protect him and someone else, Arya. Okay, I'm confused, why in the world can you capitaliuze Arya only once? Names are supposed to be capitalized eragon Capitalize the E greeted them in the traditional ways of the elves

Oh, you mean these:

"Atra du evarinya ono varda, (Insert Name Here.)-vodhr(or vodh)."

"Atra esternni ono thelduin, (insert name here)."

"Arta gulia un ilian tauthr ono un atra ono waise skoliro fra rauthr."

and blodhgarm said. Welcome shadeslayer we awaited your awakining we were informed to call the queen with you and princess arya.Eragon and the elves walked to nasuada's tent in the middle of the camp. As they got to the camp the 6 guards told nasuada abot them vistiters they heard a voice say "come in". they entered and nasuada was standing there with a elegant blue dress with lady lorana. Welcome as i asked you brought eragon and arya . Nasuada walk to the basin and said some words on the acienet language eragon did not understand the then a giant mirror in nasuada's tent cleared and they saw someone in it, queen islandizi.they all greeted her elvishly and then she said ah shadeslayers welcome i have terrible news mast- she was cut off by eragon "we now about oramis and glaedr ill news it is indeed. How do you know do you posses glaedrs heart? she laughed eragon did not ."yes we do have his heart , her faced turned grim "realy? thats is ill tidings indeed , yes...indeed" "what is it mother arya said.
oramis knew he was gonna die if he didnt he wouldnt have given you glaedrs heart. a shock went throught the tent besides eragon and saphira. eragon looked down giving silent tears. he felt someones arms go around him it was arya. she said its ok to cry eragon your a heartless man.eragon look in her eyes they were filled with love and compasion. then saphira led out aloud roar that echoed throught out the vardens camp and beyond...


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------wat do yoyu think??

Okay, I'm not really sorry that I couldn't finish correcting it because of a headache caused by so many things to correct. I suggest that you have someone a friend, sibling, parent/gaurdian proof read it before you post. Because one paragragh with only one or two words capitalized is not only hard to read but it makes you look incompetent.

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

please read and reply and rate i would like to know how good it is


Note I'll have chapter one up by 6 tomorrow




please read and reply and rate i would like to know how good it is


Note I'll have chapter one up by 6 tomorrow

[Savasung88]

Okay I'm confused

How did Aramus critique the chapter when it isn't posted?

Like the others have said, work on puncuation but I would like to see where this one goes

Savasung

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

lol thats old not gonna say

This post has been edited by Shadeslayer Asrafel: 05 November 2009 - 05:34 PM

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

Okay here is next chapter hope you like it and action will must likely be in next chapter (hint hint)involves to favorites EPIC FORESHADOWING

Ch.1 Rahim and Rahman

"You always have each other"

This is something heard by everybody in the village of Maela Adurna, in which if you were to translate into the ancient language it would mean Quiet Water.Maela Adurna is a small farming village. If you were to make a triangle from Gil ead, Bullridge, and Uru baen, Maela Adurna would be in the middle. A famous event happened here that was very important to later history.

On February forth two boy's were born in Maela Adurna. Each very similar, brown hair, brown eyes, slanted nose and slanted eyebrows. One might say they are perfect matches, but that's not the word. The word is twins. These boy are twins even when they don't know it.

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Rahim crept stealthily besides a trunk of a tree. The tree was covered in poison ivy, but he didn't notice. His eyes were on his prey, deer. Meat in Maela Adurna was rare, because many did not hunt, but instead farm. A ounce of meat is worth ten silver coins or more. Rahim took out his bow slowly and knotted an arrow; he was in his hunter mode now. He took aim at the deer’s neck,

'Its weak point" he thought to himself

Just before he released the arrow he felt a tickle all other his right side, then it evolved into a horrible pain. He let an loud squeal and fell back, releasing the arrow but scaring the deer away.

"Blast it, I failed again, Father not going to be happy about this"

Rahim walked a mile from where he failed to kill a deer back to the village. As he approached the bridge that went over the extender of the Ramr River. It was a enormous bridge that was mile long It was said to be made by the riders as a fast way for people to cross the river. The rider's named it Garjzla Adurna or Light Water.

For three hours Rahim walked stopping once in awhile. Finally after fours hours of walking he reached the end. He was so tired he was ready to drop dead. As he approached he saw someone walk into a storage hut filled with food for winter. The man looked very suspicious, he looked like he had something in his coat.Rahim want to follow him in but he didn't have the energy, and his poison ivy rash was getting worse.

He made his way home, a large hut bigger than all the others in the center of the town, his dad was the leader of the town, he took care of everything. Rahim thinks he is like the king of the town.

As he walked in he was greeted by his friend Rahman. Rahman was his best friend from birth. Rahman's parents died in a fire that drunken soldiers started. Ever since then he was living with Rahim. He moved in with us as if he was my brother and my parents son. He said with a grin,

" What happened to you ?"

"You know. The usual poison ivy" I replied

“You really got to take care of yourself"

I tried to smile but I the last thing i remember was hitting the floor.

----------------------------------------Rahman--------------------------------------------------------------

Rahman saw Rahim half smile but just fall on the floor unconscious.

"What a fool" he thought to himself, but couldn't help smile.

He took Rahim's unconscious body to the medic in village Halima. Halima was a mysterious lady she had come to the village when Rahman moved in with Rahim. She is very kind to the boys and always happy to see them. Some boys make fun of her because she has the smallest hut in the village. Rahman thinks of her as a mother, when ever he gets hurt or sick she cares for him more than Rahim’s parents. She asked

“What happened this time?”

“The usual”

“Okay, you can leave him here for now”

Rahman walked back to the house. He did his normal agenda and chores. After sun he had supper and went to sleep.
-----------------------NEXT DAY-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rahman woke up and took a bath , when he cam e out he found a newly sewed clothes from his other mother as Rahman refers to her as. He put them on they were a blue tunic and pants with a brown vest and a blue cloak. Cloaks were only for workers on Rahim’s dad’s farm. Working on his farm was an honor. As Rahman walked out of his room he saw Rahim in similar clothing but in green. Rahman then remembered they shared a birthday and they both were fifteen. Fifteen was the age of passage when a boy becomes a man. As Rahman and Rahim walked at of the house expecting to be greeted by everybody in the village, they were greeted by nobody. As they kept walking they found their horror. On the floor was burn bodies and burning huts, he spotted Rahim’s parents . They both let out a cry of anguish.What could have happened????
As they boys began to cry their question was answered, they saw a humongous red dragon fly above the village. There was a man on top with a red sword , charging towards a man on a horse with a blue sword in hand. The to boys watched in wounder. This is where there story of Rahim and Rahman begins.
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What did you think to long?? 923words



:thumbup:EDIT: CH 2 most likely by Wednesday

EDIT edited

This post has been edited by Shadeslayer Asrafel: 12 December 2009 - 02:30 PM

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

IF you can't guess the two people at the end


then you fail at life and shouldn't be on this forum

major action is going to happen
guess who is going to win

This post has been edited by Shadeslayer Asrafel: 03 November 2009 - 06:35 PM

[phoenix81]

i'm impressed by your grasp of creating the scenery. keep it up practice makes perfect, or close to it!

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

thank you very much

[giorgia]

WOW! that's a good start. I'll try to make my critique maybe after a coupe of chapters.
I can guess it's.., well, I think everybody knew already.


Awaits the next chappy.

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

thank you Okay next chapter think you guessed right well lets see btw PoV not the boys.

CH.2 Twins, Two men, and a dragon

The horsemen with the blue sword rode on towards the red dragon and its rider. As he got close enough for the dragons to hit him with his fire, the red dragon released a burst of ruby red flames. The horsemen with the blue sword jumped off his horse and rolled on the floor. He quickly got up and dived for a rock. The dragon took no notice of the rock and kept a constant flow a red flames coming out of his mouth, he was planning to melt the rock. The dragon in less than a minute he shrank the rock to a pebble, but the man with the blue sword wasn't there.

Suddenly the man with the blue sword popped out of the ground on the side of the dragon's neck, he did a somersault out of the hole he made with magic, and brought his blue blade on the dragons neck, slicing it in two. The dragon let out a half roar and landed on the floor. Before it died it let out an burst of fire making a ring of fire around both warriors.

" This is harder than I expected, maybe I under estimated you, eh Brom?"

" Maybe I over estimated you, eh Morzan?"

“No, you under estimated me!"

As he said that a bolt of lighting was sent straight at Brom's heart. Brom did not panic; he simply said seven words of protection. As soon as he said those words a ring of protection went around Brom. The ring gave of a blue glow. The lightning struck the ring and stopped and turned into energy that went into Brom.

“Morzan I have admired you for so long, I wanted to be just like you, but instead you join that black king and traitor. You burned down this small village and killed innocent’s lives just to get one dragon egg. You will die now!"

Morzan didn't like that he whispered “brisingr" and throw a fireball at Brom. Again Brom didn't flinch or panic, as the fireball hit Brom, it looked like Brom got stronger got bigger and less weary.

“This shield will absorb any magic and turn it into energy for me, so magic is useless, let us finish this the old way, blade versus blade!"

Morzan smiled he liked that, he was one of the best sword fighters of the riders. For several minutes their swords clashed. Both with inhuman speed, to a normal person this would look like a blur of blue and red. Finally a burst of blue crystal from Brom's sword exploded out and impaled Morzan.

"My sword is broken, it was worth it" Brom thought

Morzan sat there on his knees breathing heavily. Brom took Zar'roc from his hand and said,

“I here end your misery, Morzan!"

“Brom, wait Selena please go safe her that is my last request"

With that he decapitated Morzan. Brom looked through Morzan's bags he found a sapphire colored stone, Zar'roc (which he took), and Morzan's diary. He took all of these and quickly mounted his stead and road off as fast as the wind.

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Rahim and Rahman watched the entire battle. As Brom road away they were still shocked. Then when Brom was out of sight they became aware of their situation.

Their village burned down, everybody was dead, crops burned, bridge destroyed. They were going to be left here all alone, stranded and hungry. They had always left the village through the bridge, but now that was destroyed.

They looked around the burned village; they found a rusty sword, a loaf of bread, and an old half burned book in a foreign language.

As they looked around town and they found someone. Halima. Not the same healer from their village but a magician. They walked by the river and found her there with her hand on her arm. The unusually thing was that her hand was glowing a deep purple, and even more unusual was that the burn mark on her arm was healing extremely fast.
They approached her and said,

“Halima! You’re alive; we thought we were the only ones alive here!”

“Oh, I’m alive and fine.”

“We saw who did this and we saw your hand glowing purp-

“Happy birthday guys” she said interrupting them

“You two are old enough to know now, you both are brot-

“What are we old enough to know?”

She took a big sigh and said,

“You two are both brothers, in fact twins.” She said it with a smile.

The two boys jaw dropped. They couldn’t imagine themselves brothers. After a hour of thinking to themselves the to brothers came to accept this news. They were brothers now they had to look out for each other more than before. Rahman and Rahim slept in Halima’s half rebuild hut that night.
-----------------------------Next day----------------------------------------------------
Rahim woke up in the morning. He saw Rahman still asleep.

“Sleep tight brother”

He got up and walked out of the half hut. He noticed all the fires were out and that the debris was all gone.

“Where did all that debris go? It’s not like it just disappears.”

He was proven wrong when he saw Halima whispering something and then the debris would instantly disappear. Rahim walked up to Halima and said,

“Hey, was happening?”

“Oh, you saw that, well I can explain”

“I know you’re a magician”

“How do you know?”

“We saw you healing yourself”

“Ah, so you do know”

Just then Rahman came running towards them yelling

“We have to get out here, King Galbatorix and one hundred men are coming to get what ever those to guys were fighting about!”

“Well my friends let get going we have a lot to do.”

With that they packed their things and left heading for the spine.
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Very nice high five 994 words !!

edited

This post has been edited by Shadeslayer Asrafel: 12 December 2009 - 02:32 PM

[phoenix81]

very nice it's getting quite exciting , i'm going to have to read the book now

This post has been edited by phoenix81: 04 November 2009 - 04:36 PM

[Shadeslayer Asrafel]

thank you ,

chapter three will be up either later today or tomorrow after school

This post has been edited by Shadeslayer Asrafel: 04 November 2009 - 04:50 PM

[giorgia]

Oi!!..It's getting exciting now.

Ooopss!! I guess I'm wrong. Actually, I thought it's
Eragon and Murtagh. Stupid of me.

Anyway, I found some grammatical errors and wrong spellings but hey it's just a start.
I hope you do better next time. Just more work on the descriptions, emotions and also, punctuation marks specially period.

Waiting for the next chapter.

You reader and friend,
Giorgia