[kivara]

Chapter 1 Old friend baring gifts.

Eragon, Saphira and some of the varden's main leaders were sitting in Nasuada's pavallion talking about there plans to the seige of belatona. " I say we send Eragon and Saphira and they can open the main gate for us." said Nasuada she was wearing a light blue dress and she looked very weary from the last battle in which they had seized Feinster and gained a new ally in lady lorana the monarch of Feinster and that is where arya gained the name 'shadeslayer'. Eragon had been trying his hardest to get his master Glaedr to speak to him because he needed his help to find a way in Galbatorix's castle. " he should be accompanied by someone otherwise he may fail" said King Orrin "i will accompany him" said arya. In the distance a horn blasted and a memeber of du Vrangr gata contacted Eragon and said " it's the dragon rider you fought on the burning plains" and with Eragon was gone he and Saphira were flying towards the source when he arrived he saw Murtagh and thorn on the ground and Eragon was surprised to see that Murtagh was flying a white flag. Eragon Asked saphira to land and as she hit the floor he said " why are you flying the white flag? " " because i have something the varden really need if they are to win this war and my true name has changed" Murtagh replied and Eragon uttered a spell that would ensure that Murtagh would not lie. "what is it ?" Eragon asked "i would rather take it to Nasuada as i wish to speak with her " replied Murtagh, Eragon thought on it and said " hold on i will contact her" and walked back to Saphira who had had her eyes on Thorn the whole time he delved into the saddlebags and pulled a bowl out and then he pulled a water skin and cast the spell he waited for thirty seconds before Nasuada said " why have you contacted me so soon ?" " when we arrived here it was Murtagh and he was flying the banner of truce and he claims he has something we need" said Eragon " and why should that concern me ?" said Nasuada "on second thoughts let me speak with him now" "of course" said Eragon and he let Murtagh came to the bowl and said " hello Nasuada how are you " he sounded worried " i am fine now why have you contacted me in this manner " said Nasuada. Then Murtagh got up and walked to Murtagh and walked back to Thorn started to rumage and pulled out a buldging package that was covered with white cloth and returned to the basin and asid "this" said Murtagh and with that he pulled the cloth off and it was a dragon egg adn he said " do i have safe passage to the varden because i wish to join you" " you have it but promise me you will stay with Eragon" " i promise" said Murtagh in the ancient language. " i will explain later how a got it" Eragon ended the spell and said " on the way i will examine your mind to make sure you will cause the varden no harm" " if that is the price that must be payed to prove i am free will do it" replied Murtagh and he walked to Thorn and got in the saddle and Eragon did the ame with Saphira and they were on their way to the varden.

This post has been edited by kivara: 08 January 2010 - 06:46 AM

[The Critic]

Check your capitals, double space your paragraphs, make new paragraphs when you change speakers. Your spelling is pretty good. The only error I'll point out is this: 'Old friend baring gifts' ought to be 'Old friend bearing gifts'. And don't worry if this critique is otherwise unhelpful. More constructive criticism will come as you progress into your storyline. However, I will say this: make sure you do have your story planned out in your head before you put it on paper. Don't worry about your posting speed just yet.

Critic 1

This post has been edited by The Critic: 03 November 2009 - 12:44 PM

[kivara]

Thanks critic i have six chapters already wrote out and i will post them if i get a few more comments kivara

[The Critic]

It might be better if you just post them. It will probably get you more comments; as I said in my first comment, no one can really critique you or even form a true opinion of your story without more chapters and detail to go on.

Critic 1

[kivara]

I don't know how to post my second chapter could u tell me please

[Sinitar]

A pretty interesting start.Please heed The critic's advice and use proper spacing, proper punctuation and get firefox if you don't have it already, it's really helpful to detect spelling mistakes.

What do you mean with ''I don't know how to posy my second chapter?''.I do not really understand what you need help with " border="0" alt="conf.gif" /> , otherwise I would do my best to help of course

[kivara]

i don't know what to do to update do i just click reply to topic

[The Critic]

Correct. For all subsequent posts to your first, use reply. And make sure that, if you use Microsoft Word or a similar program, that you edit what you have to fit IF's standard.

[Hazuki3]

Ouch. My head hurts from the big wall of text. Okay, so as critic 1 said, Double space your paragraphs. Wait no let me rephrase that and as something new altogether, MAKE paragraphs. I am stressing this because it will hurt people's head to see big walls of text like that-It is terribly annoying. Especially while talking.


-example- "Arya will you ever forgive me?"

"Yes, alright Eragon. I shall, but never, ever scare me like that again."

"Alright Arya, I won't."

See? As critic 1 said (again) you have alright spelling. But you ONLY capitalized
once. Grammer is terrible also, as is description. (I don't mean to be a downer, I am just trying to help.) Like explain what the background was like where Eragon met Murtagh.
I'm tired now so I post rest of critique later.

This post has been edited by Hazuki3: 03 November 2009 - 02:57 PM

[kivara]

I will post the second chapter tomorrow and i will try your tips

[Sir Dystic]

its looking good but you need to make paragrpahs, re read your work to make sure it reads propely
for example
'it's the dragon rider you fought on the burning plains" and with Eragon was gone he and... '


also capitals capitals capitals. also dotn you think the mgaiicna who contacted him might show some emotion like
'Shadeslayer! Come quickly, the red dragon and its rider who you fought in the battle of the burning plains. Come quikcly if they attack us before you arrive many thousands will perish!' Or soemthing like that. I'm in the process of writing my own fanfic and have three bits of general advice 1)Listen to peoples critiques 2)Post any chapter as soon as you have it up becasue as more and more chpaters are added more people will be tempted to read it and 3) slow it down abit-I know you want to get on-so do I but describe sights smells sounds were Eragon is who else is therewhat can he hear. For each point add at least some description to it and keep things slow. I didn't want to do many development chapters because it is my first fanfic and i wanted soemthing to happen in each chapter but i urge you to add soem summary/developemtn chapters.

i will check back soon and would like to see all six chapters you have wrte posted up.
hope i helped
Regards
Sir dystic

[kivara]

You have helped alot if u PM me i will give you a spoiler of the next chapter

[kivara]

Chapter two : The new rider

On the flight back to the varden Murtagh allowed Eragon into his mind so that Eragon could discover his true intentions. The Eragon learned everything about what had happened since thorn had hatched and Murtagh's lessosn with galbatorix. Eragon had been formulating a plan so that Murtagh would not get ttacked by anyone in the varden he would keep Murtagh next to him at all times. "stay close to me and start to go down as we are above the varden they have area for dragons to land" said Eragon to Murtagh through his mind and Saphira started the decent to the varden Thorn followed suit.

As they made there way to Nasuada's pavallion Murtagh kept as close to Eragon as he could when they entered the pavallion there were some people in there it was Arya, Nasuada, king Orrin and king Orik. "what is he doing here" said orik with a look of utmost fury on his face " he is here it my invitation as are you Orik so please calm down" said Nasuada calmly.Orik looked like he was going to say more but decided not to. " Now Murtagh may we please see the egg" said Nasuada with a look of glee on her face. Murtagh was about to when he said " i think we should have the elevs touch it first becasue i read somewhere in Galbatorix's notes bout dragonriders that green eggs will most probably hatch for an elf so will you all the elves here please" Arya stepped forward while Eragon called all the other elves and Murtagh thrust the egg into her arms when it started glowing and rocking and squeaking and the little emerald dragon hatched and it looked truely magnificent and it jumped from Arya's arms and looked at her and arya placed her hand out and screamed as the dragon made contact with her.

Eragon and Murtagh both looked the happiest they had in their entire lives " well Arya i guess this belongs to you" said Murtagh as he produced an emerald sword the same length of Zar'roc and the same colour as the dragon, Arya looked dumfounded and said " thank you Murtagh you honour me with these gifts. " neigh it was not me but fate that provided these gifts" replied Murtagh " you will have to name him" Eragon butted in " i have already decided to call him Evander after my father" said Arya

hope you enjoy

[The Critic]

Glad you posted. But be careful, you might be rushing things here. You don't have to put something pivotal in every chapter; this is a mistake many writers make. Take your time, and get ideas for somewhat smaller scenes in your book. If you do that, you can make your story more unique in the fact that your smaller ideas would be your own. I liked the idea that green eggs most often hatch for elves, that was good. Do more things like that. Check your periods. And also, critiquing others is an excellent way to get good at spotting your own mistakes. Oh, and in order to use the size tools, as well as italicss and several others, select the text and then click the size button or whatever you're trying to use.

Critic 1

This post has been edited by The Critic: 04 November 2009 - 09:36 AM

[Sir Dystic]

glad you listen to my advie and found it helpful Your first chapter was to be brutually honest a 2 out of 10. there is a definte increase in this chapter. Be careful things like 'i' are actually 'I' and check that you think the last sentance of the second chapter makes sense because you need to alter words or add grammar i believe.

Like others have said in two chapters you have befreinded murtagh and hatched the dragon egg slow down and add development chapters but i undertsand this might be the unwillingness to re write the six chapters i eblieev you have said you have already written.

If your interested in general critique for first tiem fanficers chekc out my story linked in my signature because the comments not the chapters all have advice and lots of it would be relevant for any fanfic, just a suggestion.


but its good i will be staying with this rest assure and i will not rate it for a while so you have chance to come into your own.

This post has been edited by Sir Dystic: 04 November 2009 - 03:06 PM