[Behave Yourself]

I decided to write Inheritance the way I would have done it. Hopefully it's more interesting. xD. I'm only keeping the bare bones of the story and letting my imagination take me where it may, so this should be rather interesting.

Well, interesting, and probably very different from the original Inheritance

--

Sorrow
Prologue
Shadows

Arya and her two companions were trotting through the forest, going at a slow paced. Even though there was almost total darkness on this night, they thought nothing of it; elves could see in the dark much better than humans and the other creatures of the forest.

On most nights, this forest was safe. Nothing could kill these warriors here- nothing that would be here on a normal night. So they were Relaxed. Content. They road on, unaware of the grave danger they were in.

There was a creature of darkness in the forest. He was once a man, but he has turned into something much worse. For even evil men can do good, an evil being such as this could do nothing but evil.

He was a shade. He was the Nightstalker. He was Durza. And these creatures, these elves, had something he wanted. An object that would bring his master great power.

Durza did not have soldiers- tonight, there was nobody except himself on his side. He simply did not need them. He looked human, at a first glance- he sounded human in his voice. This being was a creature of the shadow, a creature of the darkness and the night. He was not true darkness, but a mere reflection of it.

The elves were coming closer every second to the tree he had been hiding in. The shade grinned madly, for this was the favorite part of his missions- to kill. Closer, closer until they had just past. That was when he jumped out of the tree, his superhuman reflexes moving him hundreds of feet to land right in front of the horsemen. "Jierda!" He whispered, crippling the rider's horses with merely a word.

One of the leader's bodyguards was the first to get up. The elf ran at the shade to strike the defenseless-looking creature with his sword.

Durza stopped the elven blade between his thumb and forefinger, swiftly taking it from the elf and stabbing him through the chest. He grinned more- these fools did not know what he was.

The second elf - he assumed these were the bodyguards, as the leader was a coward and would not attack - did not run at him, but took upon magic for his means of offense. He opened his mouth to speak the words of magic, words so ancient the very world listened and remembered when they were said. Words of power.

"Hljödhr," The shade spoke. Silence. "Jierda!" He broke the elf's neck, killing it instantly.

And then there was one; the coward, Arya. She did not fight, but merely lay there, paralyzed with fear. She was no fool, he realized- she knew what he was. He looked at her, and the moment he did, she realized the object he needed. The thing of his desires.

"Give it to me," He hissed. "Before you die." He held the sword up from one of the fallen elves and held it to her throat. "Hurry."

She moved slowly, careful not to make any sudden moves or to frighten the dark thing that had killed her bodyguards.

What she took out of her pack was blue, and it shone; it looked like crystal, but was a beacon of light. Holding it in her hands, she stared at the object. It was special. One of the most powerful objects in the world, and she was giving it to the hands of a devil. This was the moment when she made a decision.

Her final decision.

"Gánga!" She whispered to the glowing object as it disappeared in her hands. This was her last act, a desperate one. Not an act of fear- an act of desperate defiance, an act of freedom. "You will never keep me, Shade. If you trap me, I will kill you. If you enslave me, I will destroy you. You cannot kill me, for I am stronger than you are- stronger than you will ever be."

Durza gave her a last dark smile. "Brisingr," he whispered quietly as he she cried out from the pain. He had hamstringed her, unable to move as the forest burned aflame.

He disappeared in a rush of smoke and fire.

--

James

This post has been edited by LyriantheFirst: 07 November 2009 - 09:57 PM

[Shikhin]

It is a good fanfic, no speeling mistakes and no grammar mistakes. But I found only a little difference in it (from the original inheritance). But a good start. You are using the word jierda a lot. Try and reducing it and use other words of magic.

This post has been edited by Shikhin: 06 November 2009 - 11:36 AM

[Behave Yourself]

It's a bit different, but not much. I killed Arya by leaving her to die slowly, unable to move while a forest burns her to death. The shade is, consequently, just as powerful as before, but far more of a loaner.

This is more the seeds of a true beginning than a beginning. Through this one part, I've just changed a huge plot element (killing off Arya), that will affect the entire story as a whole from here on out.

Also, it's rather rude to ask others to read your fanfiction at random intervals- I already responded to a mass-PM you sent to me and at least one more editor asking to 'please edit your story', so at this rate it's doubtful I'm going to read it, no?

James

[Shikhin]

It's a bit different, but not much. I killed Arya by leaving her to die slowly, unable to move while a forest burns her to death. The shade is, consequently, just as powerful as before, but far more of a loaner.

This is more the seeds of a true beginning than a beginning. Through this one part, I've just changed a huge plot element (killing off Arya), that will affect the entire story as a whole from here on out.

Also, it's rather rude to ask others to read your fanfiction at random intervals- I already responded to a mass-PM you sent to me and at least one more editor asking to 'please edit your story', so at this rate it's doubtful I'm going to read it, no?

James

Killing Arya was a major change. I wonder did you also change the rider (to become i.e. Eragon). I think managing the story ahead will be really difficult. Best Of luck

[Behave Yourself]

Sorrow
Chapter One
Disaster

Eragon, a fifteen year old farm boy, had been hunting in the spine when the accident happened.

The Spine was a forest, yes- but one more magical than most. It had creatures beyond imagining - some were forces of good, others forces of evil - as well as creatures that you or I would see every day. If you ventured too far into the Spine, there were two things that could happen: You could die slowly, or you could die fast. Magic of all kinds were attracted to this place, as well as creatures of magic .

Eragon had been hunting a deer when he had gone, as the stories say, maybe just a step too far.

Him and his older cousin, Roran - the only person he had left in his orphan life - were desperately in need of food. Roran was young and fit, but nobody would hire him. The young man had a curse on him, it was said. He was unlucky; and in the small village of Carvahall, the only place Eragon could call home, that was enough for the people to let you starve to death.

The boy nocked his bow, aiming the arrow right at the creature's head. The deer stood there, oblivious of the arrow rushing toward it- oblivious of it's all-too-certain death.

The arrow flew from the bow as if from it's own accord, defying gravity itself as it hit the deer with a sudden crack, piercing the skull and killing it instantly. Eragon felt the adrenaline rush through him- the thrill of the kill, the glorious excitement of death.

As quickly as dominance had come, of victory and death, the feeling ended for Eragon just a he went to collect his kill.

The forest, before that moment, had been quiet. Nothing lived except creatures of magic- nothing lived here, for Eragon, but death.

The once-quiet forest erupted in sound as Eragon's chest erupted in pain. A split second of torture, of terror, of more pain than the boy had ever felt throughout his life- before it ended, his body exploding across the forest.

–

Roran had gone with his younger cousin, but they had split up, to track different kills. He had come back with nothing – for it was all just good fun – and he had expected Eragon to do the same. Most of the animals here were just spirits, leading you so deep into the forest that you never come out again. Killing them was something the locals did for pleasure and sport; the way they saw it, it just had one less evil spirit in the world, after all.

“Eragon?” Roran called into forest. “Eragon? Can you hear me?” He heard no answer as he ventured deeper and deeper into the forest, hoping to the gods that Eragon had not gone so deep that he would never come back.

He panicked. He didn't know what the people of Carvahall might do to him if they discovered that he had let Eragon roam into the forest by himself. They would blame him for Eragon's death- he couldn't afford that. He couldn't take the law coming on his head.

“Erago-” Roran was interrupted in his call as a blue fire erupted farther into the woods than he had ever been, lighting up the sky and the forest like a beacon. The forest shook, the animals ran, and all that was left was Roran. Roran and whatever had created this disaster.

He stood in shock for a moment, but quickly managed to recover and ran farther into the forest. “Eragon!” He kept calling and kept running, dreading what he would find as he ventured farther.

Eventually, he came into a clearing. The ground was littered with ash and blood and bone. There was no body, only ash. This place smells of nothing but death, he thought. He looked around, gagging, searching for what had done this. He threw up violently on the grass just before blacking out, fainting from fear and shock at what he had seen there.

--

James

This post has been edited by LyriantheFirst: 07 November 2009 - 10:00 PM

[Arthryn]

I thought I told you you didn't have enough time to write this. Go do your goddamn late homework.

[Thunder Gulch]

That was indeed a good start to a new fanfic. .

And you killed off Arya, indeed a major plot change. And your Roran and Eragon seem a lot difference as well.

Didn't spot any mistakes and I doubt I will.

PS: Correct me if I am wrong, did the egg just teleport into Eragon's chest.

-OTF

[giorgia]

WoW!! that's a very NEW version fanfic I've read so far.

Am I thinking right ATM? Did the egg just went through Eragon's chest?
And BTW, I like your version of ROran.

I'm gonna keep an eye on this one though.


-->GG